


Bucky Barnes: Intelligence Nerd

by LilyInTheSnow



Series: The Intelligence Nerd and The Avengers [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: A Pinch of Salt, Accidental Marriage, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Captain America Steve Rogers/Modern Bucky Barnes, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Giant Alligator, I guess its an Avengers AU?, Jealous Bucky Barnes, Jealous Steve Rogers, M/M, Matchmaker Thor, Morons, Non-Graphic Violence, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Shrunkyclunks, Slow Burn, Smut, Steve Rogers & Thor Friendship, Steve and Bucky are stubborn assholes, Thor knows how you feel about each other, Top Steve Rogers, actual talking about things like adults, cause it was sort of an accident, eventually, guess that tag shoulda been used a while ago, i dunno, man-eating pandas, oh noes, probably, sorta - Freeform, terrible puns, there's only one bed, whatever will they do
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-02-03 00:38:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 96,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12737532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyInTheSnow/pseuds/LilyInTheSnow
Summary: How Bucky Barnes accidently became an Avenger and married Steve Rogers. Or some shit like that.(Coincidentally, or not, the summary was also the working title.)





	1. Why Me?

**Author's Note:**

> This is entirely self indulgent fluff with possible future smut and a teeny tiny hint of crack. Like, the crack is negligible so yeah.
> 
> I'll update tags if/when I get to the smut.

Bucky rolled his eyes when the alarms blared through the tower lobby. Everyone else tucked tail and ran, used to having to run at any time, but he only made his way to the stairwell knowing that the elevators were automatically disabled any time the alarms went off. Only Stark or the other Avengers could override the security on the elevators. Bucky groaned and began to trudge his way up the forty flights of stairs to his cubicle. Well, technically it was an office, but it was barely larger than a supply closet so he called it his cubicle.

Fucking Avengers! Every other week the alarms blared and he had to use the stairs to get to his office. He had work he needed to do, damn it! And a bunch of assholes weren’t going to stop him. Sure he could work somewhere else, definitely somewhere safer that didn’t get attacks aimed at it every few days, but he liked his job. He was good at it. And trudging up the stairs had made his already fantastic ass even more amazing than it had been. His thighs were great now too. So there was that. 

Taking forty flights of stairs really had done wonders for him. If he was less stubborn he wouldn’t have the best ass out of all the Intelligence nerds. He’d won Best Ass at their Christmas party the last three years in a row. He’d lost the first year, but only because they’d included Captain America in the Best Ass category. Bucky had protested because his was natural and Captain Rogers’ had been made in a beefcake machine. Bucky honestly hadn’t minded losing to him, because Holy Fuck Yes Please, but it wasn’t fair that he’d been included. No one was going to win against Steve Rogers in the Best Ass category.

Twenty floors up, halfway to his floor, he heard the pounding of footsteps running down the stairs. That was odd. Usually everyone just headed toward the safe room on whatever floor they were on. He made sure the clip on his backpack was done up across his chest and shifted his shoulders to adjust the weight of his notebooks, file folders, and laptop. Whoever was coming down the stairs was most likely not an employee. Everyone knew the drill. Newbs were trained in the safety drills before they even started working. That shit was the very first thing you learned. It was all a huge pain in the ass, but also worth the huge paychecks you earned by putting up with it.

Bucky didn’t bother trying to slip through one of the doors in the stairwell. He walked up the next flight of stairs and plastered himself to the wall where he wouldn’t be seen by whoever was making their way down toward him. A couple minutes later a pair of black combat boots came into his sight, followed by black BDUs, a heavily armored vest with enough straps and buckles to make a dominatrix squeamish and loaded for bear with several guns and knives and possibly a mini rocket launcher. Cute, Bucky had always wanted a mini rocket launcher. 

Dude’s face finally showed and Bucky raised a brow. Dude was fine. Like…Bucky wanted to revert to his kindergarten days of chasing him down and tackling him to give him kisses fine. He’d been an adventurous kindergartener and hadn’t been at all selective about the gender of the cute kids he’d tackled and given kisses to. Turned out he’d been an adventurous teen and young adult too. His adventurous side had taken a break lately though because the only person of any gender he wanted to tackle and kiss was Steve Rogers and he kind of liked his job too much for that because he was sure he’d get fired if he did that. Or he’d get arrested.

But fine as hell dude walking down the steps? Bucky could tackle him because he definitely didn’t work for Stark. Bucky had memorized every face that was part of the tower security and every face that worked with the Avengers. Dude was almost Captain America fine, Bucky kind of hated that he wouldn’t get to kiss him. Or climb him like a tree because seriously, so fine. The guy ran right up to him without even seeing him and Bucky stuck his left arm out, clotheslining the dude and knocking him on his fine ass. The dude gagged and groaned as he rolled on the floor and Bucky ducked down and pulled one of the guy’s guns from a thigh holster then bobbed his head side to side in thought before taking the mini rocket launcher off of the guy and swinging it over his shoulder. It’d make a pretty neat souvenir if he got to keep it.

Bucky trained the handgun on the guy’s chest after flicking the safety off and leaned one shoulder against the wall, getting comfortable. There was no telling how long he’d have to wait until someone came to pick him up. 

“What the fuck,” the guy groaned rubbing at his throat and coughed. “The hell’s that arm made out of?”

Bucky grinned and reached over to pull his shirt sleeve up enough to let the guy see the glint of metal in the lights of the stairwell. “Stark Special. So, you wanna tell me what you’re doing here?”

“Not really.”

“Okay.” Bucky raised his aim to the guy’s forehead, and put his finger on the trigger instead of resting on the trigger guard. He wouldn’t actually shoot him, not unless he gave him a good reason, but still. It wouldn’t hurt to let him think he would.

“Whoa! Shit, what the hell?”

“What are you doing here?”

“I was testing the security.”

Bucky raised a brow and shift his aim back to his chest. “Why?” Security at the tower wasn’t something people generally fucked around with, well…they did but they usually didn’t get past it.

“It was a job interview. Mr. Stark told me if I made it out after lockdown I’d get a job.”

“Doing what?”

“I’d be working security and maybe something else later on.”

“Sure, okay.” Bucky switched hands holding the gun and reached back with his left to grip the doorknob. A sharp twist had it breaking and red lights flashed in the stairwell, alarms blaring closer. In a few minutes they’d find out for sure. Besides, who needed that many weapons to test security features? “We’ll see.”

Less than five minutes later Iron Man opened the door and thunked his way over to them with a hand? gauntlet? Raised in front of him and pointing at the dude on the floor.

“Barnes.”

“Mr. Stark.”

“Good job, kid.”

Kid? Bucky was like ten years younger than Stark. How’d that make him a kid? “Uh, thank you, Mr. Stark.”

A security team came in with guns sweeping through the increasingly cramped space of the stairwell and Bucky started to slink away as two of them grabbed the hot dude and pulled him up off of his fine ass and began stripping his weapons off of him. He wanted to go to his office and start the work he should have finished last night but didn’t because he’d been watching a Captain America documentary on History Channel. And then a show on the Science Channel about Captain America’s shield and how it didn’t make physics.

“Hold up a minute Barnes,” Iron Man turned toward him and held one hand out and made a grabby hand at him. “Gimme.”

Bucky pouted as he flicked the safety back on and then handed over the pistol. He edged toward the door and Stark made grabby hands at him again, wiggling his fingers this time and Bucky sighed then held out his third most prized possession. The first and second most prized possessions were not something anyone he worked with could find out about. Because he definitely did not own and treasure the expensive as hell replicas of Iron Man’s helmet and Captain America’s shield from Toys R Us. And he certainly did not have the shield in a place of honor hanging on the wall above his fake fireplace and the Iron Man helmet was absolutely not resting on the palm of the first prosthetic arm that Stark had given him like some fucked up modern version of Hamlet. 

He let the mini rocket launcher go with an even worse pout when Stark tugged on it to get it out of his grip. Bucky’s pout turned into a glare when the Stark giggled at him. Giggles that sounded evil as fuck through the Iron Man armor. Creepy.

“Whatever. I’m going to go do my job now.”

“Debrief, kid.”

“Watch the security feed.”

“Rude.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and squeezed past security and started making his way up the stairs.

“Hey, kid?”

“Huh?” He turned back toward Stark with a raised brow wondering what the mad genius wanted now. Bucky just wanted to go to his office and finish the work he should have done yesterday instead of watching the documentaries he’d already seen twice and maybe owned DVDs of. No one could prove he actually owned them. No one was allowed in his place except his sister who shared his awkward no-chill crush on Steve Rogers and even she didn’t know he had them.

“Want a lift?”

“Oh, uh…no, thank you though.” 

“Okay.”  Iron Man shrugged and popped the faceplate of his helmet up to give Bucky a leer. “Gotta keep that Best Ass title somehow, huh?”

Bucky fought a blush even as he smirked and gave Stark a snappy salute then turned on his heels and made his way up the stairs with the sounds of Stark’s giggles following him. This was so fucking weird.

***

Bucky groaned when his phone rang, staring at the caller ID that let him know it was Stark calling him again. He’d already spoken to him on the phone and in person six times in the past few days. Once after Stark had called him laughing his ass off after he’d watched the security footage of Bucky clotheslining the hot evil douchebag in the stairwell. The second and third times was when Stark had him go to his not really evil, but kind of evil lair to check on the arm. Apparently Bucky had left an imprint of the plates in bruise form on the guy's throat even through Bucky’s shirt and the guy’s armor that had covered his neck. The fourth and fifth had been nonsensical ramblings about science that was so far above Bucky’s pay grade and he was an Intelligence nerd anyway so he didn’t even know what the fuck was going on with those conversations. 

The sixth was the worst. Stark had come barging into Bucky’s office with his flamboyant self and brought Bucky a bribe in the form of coffee that could have peeled the paint from the walls with its fumes alone. It was exactly the way he liked his coffee with enough cream and sugar to send him into a diabetic coma and he didn’t even have diabetes. It was creepy that Stark knew how Bucky took his coffee.

He’d wanted to tinker on Bucky instead of letting him do what he was actually paying him to do. Things like gathering intelligence and parsing through it to find out what was legit and what was just noise. Important things. Not…tinkering on the arm that Stark had already tinkered to Hell and back anyways. Were he and Stark supposed to be besties now? Were they BFFs just because Bucky was tired of people’s shit and clotheslined a guy? Bucky just wanted to work in his tiny office and be left alone. Bucky’s phone answered on its own and he glared at the stupid thing.

“Hey, kid. I know you’re here. I can see you glaring at me through the phone.” 

Was he stalking him now? Shit, he’d put himself on Stark’s radar with his doneness. Why fucking him? Why the hell was Stark all up in Bucky’s Kool-Aid now? Did he have invisible Iron Man milkshakes in his yard that only Stark could see? Were they in his office? He couldn’t help but reach out and sweep his hand through the supposedly empty space on his desk just to check.

“What do you want? How am I supposed to do what you’re paying me to do if you keep bugging me?”

“You say that like you don’t appreciate the things I do for you, kid. I might work on being offended and then who will bring you your Death Coffee?”

“I’ll get it myself, like I usually do.” Bucky hit the button on the phone to hang up on Stark and his eyes narrowed to slits when it stayed lit up.

“I need you, kid.”

“For what?” Bucky wondered if Stark would laugh or wonder what the fuck if he started banging his head on his desk.

“Come up to the lab and see what’s on the slab.”

“Rocky Horror? Thought your pops was the only one that made buff blonde dudes in a lab?”

“Ha! Come on, kid.”

“If I come see you will you leave me alone and actually let me do my job?”

“Sure.” Stark answered too quickly to be believable and Bucky groaned. Why him?

“Fine.” He said it with a heavy sigh and another groan when Stark whooped and hung up on him. Bucky frowned down at the phone wondering what wild hair had gotten up Stark’s ass this time. Only one way to find out. He left his office and headed toward the elevators then grinned and turned back. Maybe he’d take the stairs.

When he got to the lab Stark was pacing and rambling to himself or his AI. Bucky could never be sure who or what Stark was actually talking to. Even when Stark was looking right at Bucky when he spoke, Bucky was never quite sure if he was being talked to or just there to witness the madness that was Tony Stark.

The door slid open as Bucky stepped up to it and Stark whirled toward him. “You spent ten years in the Army.”

“Yeah.”

“You got blown up. I gave you a couple arms.”

“Yes.”

“Why the fuck did you come to work here? I mean, intelligence gathering? You should have applied for security.”

“I don’t do that anymore. What did you want to show me?”

Stark grinned then picked up a glass of green sludge and took a drink of it as he led Bucky through the room to an actual slab where another version of Bucky’s arm lay. Stark sat his cup down next to it then picked up the arm and pressed his thumb to a spot on the wrist. A panel slid open on the forearm and a tiny rocket popped up. Bucky absolutely did not fucking squeal when he saw it.

“There’s a tiny rocket launcher in the arm!”

“Yup. Your arm.”

“Huh?”

“If you take a spot on my security team I’ll give you this bad boy.” He waved the arm at Bucky and grinned when Bucky put his hands behind his back to keep from reaching for it. “It’s not going to cause a lot of structural damage or kill someone unless you aim just right, but it’s enough to get your point across.”

Bucky almost whimpered, torn with indecision. He really, really, wanted the arm with a tiny rocket launcher and tiny rockets. He also really, really did not want a security gig. That meant dealing with Stark even more than he already was and possibly dealing with the rest of the Avengers and Bucky just wasn’t sure he was capable of being near Steve Rogers without checking him out and/or tackling him and kissing him. 

He was better off stuck in his office combing through the files and intel that got shoved his way. He liked his office job. He liked going through all the information that got passed to him. He’d also liked being in the Army until he’d gotten blown the fuck up too. Was he ready for something like that again? 

He knew if he joined Stark’s security and made his way up the echelon, which he undoubtedly would because of ten years of military experience, he’d eventually have to start working with the Avengers. He wasn’t sure that was something he wanted to do much less was ready for. It had only been two years since he’d left the Army.

He wound up shaking his head and dropping his hands to his sides. “I can’t. I mean, not that I’m not grateful for the offer, but I’m better off in my office.”

Stark nodded like he’d expected the answer. “Sure, kid. Offer still stands if you change your mind though.”

Bucky nodded with a weak smile and a murmured thank you then left the lab, snorting when Tony waved goodbye with what could have been Bucky’s new arm.

***

A week of relative peace later, relative because Bucky had had two more conversations with Stark, he was walking through the tower lobby there was a loud crackling of electricity, an even louder explosion, the sound of glass shattering, and then running and screaming in the dark when the power shut off. He only groaned as he made sure his backpack was clipped on properly. Why the fuck people who had worked at the tower for so long would run and scream and panic when something like this happened he had no freaking idea. He walked over to a support pillar and stepped behind it as the alarms blared in his poor abused ears. He peeked around the edge of it and sighed when he saw some moron standing in the middle of the chaos looking like Iron Man had had an illegitimate baby with a vampire.

Their suit looked like a cheap knockoff of Stark’s done in all black save for a few blood red embellishments. The eyes on the helmet glowed red and Bucky rolled his own eyes. Their eyes probably matched. Bucky was sleep deprived and his eyes burned from it. They were definitely bloodshot. He was too tired to deal with this shit and definitely too fucking tired to walk up forty flights of stairs. His work toward claiming Best Ass for the fourth year in a row be damned. He unclipped his backpack, vaguely wondering where the fuck security and/or an Avenger type person was as he sat the bag at his feet. Yeah, the power was out, which, first time ever so he was kind of impressed with the vampire/Iron Man hybrid, but still he’d have thought the backup power would have come on quicker than this. 

Fuck it. He just wanted to get to his office and drink three cups of his Death Coffee so he could stay awake long enough to do his fucking job. He kept an eye on the Iron Vampire? Vampire Man? as he slinked his away around the lobby, using the few remaining people and more pillars as cover. He kind of wished he had taken Stark up on his offer and gotten his new arm with the tiny rocket launcher built in. But that meant dealing with assholes like this full time and Bucky was too fucking old and tired for this kind of shit anymore. Hey, thirty was old if you'd been through as much shit as he had. Fuck these assholes.

Stark’s illegitimate offspring raised a gauntleted hand, aimed at a few stragglers, and Bucky swore then ran and jumped on their back holding on with flesh fingers and his legs around the waist of the stupid suit as he dug his metal fingers in between the metal plating on the back of the suit’s neck. He finally got them pried up while being flung around like a drunk riding a mechanical bull at a Western bar and snagged a couple wires, jerking them out of the ports and throwing himself away from the vampire person suit thingy when sparks started flying. When he rolled to his feet he saw them twitch a couple times before pitching forward and falling facedown with a loud clang and a groan.

A slow clanging started and Bucky spun toward the sound to see Stark and half of the tower security standing by the bank of elevators. Stark was clapping while wearing his Iron Man suit and grinning at Bucky.

“Fuck.” He’d done it again. He was never getting rid of Stark now. Dear God, why him?

“Good job, kid.”

“Whatever.” Bucky strode away from them and went to pick up his backpack, slinging it over one shoulder and then trudging his tired ass toward the elevators. He grunted at the doors when they refused to open.

“You’re sure you don’t want that job, Barnes?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.”

Stark laughed and did some weird hand wavy gesture that somehow got the elevator doors to open. Bucky stumbled into it, falling against the wall and slapping his hand over the button for his floor as he closed his eyes.


	2. Inundated With Weirdos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After turning Stark down a few of the other Avengers come out to play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished this the other day, but was too lazy to post it, then I felt bad for not posting it. So here it is.
> 
> And omg thank you for all the kudos and comments and subscriptions! Where did you all come from??? <3

“Hey, Barnes!”

Bucky turned toward the voice yelling at him from across the lobby and frowned. What did Barton want with him? Bucky didn’t exist in their circle. He fed them intelligence through a couple other people, but that was it. Bucky did his job and passed it on to his higher ups and went about his day while the higher ups gave the intel to Stark and his ragtag crew of misfits. All of them unfairly hot. Had anyone even noticed how nice Barton’s arms were? Natasha was tiny and gorgeous and deadly. Sam had an adorable smile that sorta made Bucky weak in his old tired knees. Stark was kinda hot in this weird older guy way. Even Bruce was hot in that adorkable geek way that made Bucky want to snuggle him and comb his fingers through his messy hair. None of them beat Rogers though, because well…Beefcake Machine. Though sometimes Bucky suspected that Rogers had that perfect little ass when he’d been teeny too.

Barton jogged over to him with a grin that turned to a slight grimace when it stretched the cut on his busted lip. “Stark showed us the video of what you did. Both times. That was pretty metal.”

“Oh. Uh…thanks I guess.”

“Welcome. So why don’t you work security if you’re that badass? I mean, the moron in the suit could have ended a lot worse than it did.”

“I like my cushy office job. I had my fill of being badass when I was in the Army.”

“Tony said as much.”

“Then why ask?”

Barton shrugged. “Hey, you want pizza?”

“It’s not even nine in the morning yet.”

“They make breakfast pizza.”

“The fuck is breakfast pizza?”

“Were you with Cap under the ice? It’s the best breakfast food ever.”

Bucky didn’t have time for breakfast foods. “I have to get to work.”

“I’ll buy you a coffee. Tony said your coffee has dangerous levels of caffeine and I want some. Sounds like my kind of coffee.”

Bucky laughed. “I need to get to work. I was supposed to finish this last night and didn’t do it.” He shifted his backpack thinking that he’d been doing that a lot lately, putting his work off instead of finishing it on time and avoiding it as much as possible before doubling down and getting it done at last minute. He hadn’t figured out why yet.

Barton nodded. “I’ll bring coffee and breakfast pizza to your office. Where do you get your Death Coffee?”

Bucky laughed again shaking his head and then told Barton where the little hole in the wall place where he got his coffee was. “Just tell them you’re picking up a coffee for me. They know how I take it.” Barton nodded then turned and jogged toward the doors, sending a whistle over his shoulder. A golden retriever that Bucky had only just noticed stood and hobbled to Barton on three legs. Bucky pouted a bit at the poor pup wondering what had happened to him. The dog seemed like it was used to only having three legs, moved around pretty good despite it, but Bucky wanted to pick up the dog and carry him everywhere. Or maybe get him one of those doggy wheelchair things. Those were neat.

He spent his elevator ride and trek to his office contemplating dogs and puppies and doggy wheelchairs and wondering what the hell Barton actually wanted. The Avengers didn’t usually mess with people beyond their circle. He could just have been impressed with Bucky’s almost accidental day saving, but there could be something else too. Something he wanted. Something Stark had put in his mind and convinced him of. Mother fuck.

By the time Barton came to his office loaded up with two boxes of pizza, four cups of coffee in a drink carrier, and his dog, Bucky had decided that Tony had sent Barton to try to talk him into joining Stark’s security team. Or at the very least befriend him and then gently nudge him that direction. He didn’t want to do security. Did he? No. He didn’t want to have to put up with Stark poking at him continuously.

Barton sat the food on the corner of Bucky’s desk on a pile of papers that had been there for months that he probably needed to do something with at some point and then pulled two of the coffee cups from the carrier and sat them in front of Bucky. He produced napkins from some unknown place; Bucky was too scared to find out where, and dropped them on the desk then opened one of the boxes of pizza and sat it on the floor for the dog. Bucky watched the pitiful thing begin to scarf down the pizza only turning away when Barton nudged him with a slice of greasy breakfast pizza.

“Eat up, dude.”

“I’m not doing it.”

“It’s just pizza?” Barton looked confused, but Bucky knew that look. Bucky had perfected that fake weirdly adorable look of confusion in his youth.

“Isn’t it illegal to bribe people?”

“Only if you’re a cop or a politician.”

“I’ll take your bribery pizza and coffee, but I’m not doing whatever it is that Stark sent you down here for.”

“Aw, I thought I was doing pretty good with it. I even brought Lucky III.”

“This is the third dog you’ve had named Lucky?”

“Easy to remember.” Barton shrugged then shoved half his slice of pizza in his mouth.

Bucky bobbed his head in a nod then took a bite of his own pizza. It was cheesy and weird with eggs, sausage, bacon, onions, jalapeno, and bell peppers on it, but it wasn’t entirely gross. He’d most likely never eat it again, but it wasn’t bad. Thank the pizza gods that it didn’t have red sauce on it. And where the fuck was he when this shit was invented? Why had no one told him there was breakfast pizza? Why had he not known about this during his teenage years? The fuck kind of rock was he hiding under? Did Rogers know they had breakfast pizza? He’d been under the ice longer than Bucky had been alive. Surely he didn’t know about breakfast pizza either.

“So, I kind of told Stark that I could convince you to join up in like ten minutes. So if you could at least pretend to have a vague interest in that it’d be great.”

Bucky snorted a laugh then took a drink of his Death Coffee.

“Nah, I’m good. Thanks for the offer though.”

***

Wilson showed up the next day, bringing another bribery coffee with him. Bucky had only accepted the cup of coffee with narrowed eyes as Wilson had introduced himself. Wilson had rolled his own eyes then grinned.

“We both know why I’m here. You’re pretty badass and we could use you, but I understand if it’s not something you want to do. Especially after what happened before.” He nodded toward Bucky’s arm as if he didn’t realize that his arm was on like Mark VI by now.

“I like my office.” But did he really? He looked around the tiny room while taking a sip of his coffee. He took in the white walls that were nearly completely covered with bad Sci-Fi movie posters and a single Captain America poster that was mostly hidden by papers he’d tacked up on the walls for whatever reason and then never looked at again. Probably they had been important at some point. Yeah, he did like his office. When it wasn’t inundated with weirdos. Well, the weirdos he didn’t normally work with. He actually kind of liked his weirdos. His Intelligence Nerd family. 

“Fair enough. It was nice to meet you.”

“You too.” Bucky shook Wilson’s hand and held back a weary sigh until he was sure he was really gone. 

***

He had two blessed days of quite in his office before tragedy struck. The file he’d been typing up disappeared with a blip as the lights went dark and he heard a muffled explosion. He stayed put, hoping that the autosave function on the program actually worked this time because it fucking hated him and never had before, and listened to the rest of the Intelligence Nerds coming out of their cubicles slowly, like wary cats, and then the screaming began. And why knock everything out? 99% of everything he and the rest of the Nerds had was digital. That was only because they scanned everything in as soon as they got it and shredded the paper copies. Nothing particularly important had come across Bucky’s desk recently, but that didn’t mean none of the other Nerds had gotten something that someone else wanted.

He stood up and stretched, working his back loose from having leaned over his desk for hours on end then made his way to his office door. He cracked it open, pulling his shirt over his nose and mouth when he saw the smoke, and then stepped out into the hallway. He was glad he wore all black most of the time; it would make him harder to see. Unless whichever douchebag was here this time had night vision goggles. And why the fuck did people keep doing this? How the hell did they even get into the damn building? Bucky had practically had to do everything but give a sperm sample when he’d signed on. So how were these dumb fucks getting in? Stark really needed to work on his shit. This was supposed to be one of the most secure buildings in the world. Was he bored is why so many of them got in? Was he just testing the security by seeing how far they could get? Where the fuck was security anyway?

He stood in the hallway for close to five minutes before giving up and going on the search for whoever it was that had probably caused him to lose six hours of work. He was gonna beat their ass. As soon as he found them. Pretending that he was an evil douchebag intent on ruining the day of innocent Intelligence Nerds that just wanted to finish their work damn it, he went the first place he’d have gone after managing to disable every-fucking-thing. The supercomputer none of them were technically allowed to touch but that they all used to play blindingly fast levels of Tetris on a laptop someone, no one knew who or if they did they weren’t talking, had hidden in the room.

The door was open and Bucky shivered at the blast of chilly air as he walked inside. All the lights were blinking like they were supposed to be and he raised a brow wondering what kind of tech they had that had managed to shut down the power to everything on the floor except the super computer. He rounded a corner silently and saw someone sat in the floor with a weirdly large laptop. Was it that ancient or was it that advanced?

“All Stark Industries employees are supposed to report to their safe rooms in the event of an emergency.” God, he sounded like such a fucking tool. The figure on the floor jerked in surprise and Bucky lifted his left arm blocking bullets with it when the tech-douche picked up a gun and started shooting at him while one hand kept typing.

He waited until the shots ended then grabbed their Tetris laptop and chunked it at the dude’s head. The laptop bounced off his head as he fell then landed in the floor with a clatter and the bottom case popped off. Oops. He winced then rushed over and grabbed the gun, tossing it behind him over his head then looked down at the laptop that had been perched on the dude’s lap and was now sitting on the floor haphazardly. Figures were scrolling up the screen like that trippy Matrix shit and he grabbed the cord that was connecting it to the supercomputer and jerked it out of its port. The main lights immediately flickered back on and the laptop screen paused. He scanned over the words not understanding much of it; he was in Intelligence, not Tech.

“If you’re going to do my security team’s job for them why don’t you just sign up?”

Why the fuck did this always happen to him? He groaned sitting the laptop back on the floor. “Why don’t you let them handle it,” he asked, nodding toward the security team that was looking a little bit sheepish. He’d done their jobs three fucking times in the past several days. “And if they actually showed up quickly they could do their jobs and I wouldn’t fuckin’ have to. Now. If you’ll excuse me I need to see if that crappy autosave shit actually saved the files I’ve just spent six hours putting together and was almost done with.” He stood and stomped past Stark who was smiling at him. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I like my fucking office.”

“Mmm.”

God, Stark was fucking creepypasta sometimes. He made his way back to his office, the other Nerds still in hiding, and turned his computer back on. He logged in and forced himself not to start sobbing hysterically when he saw that he’d just wasted six hours he would never be getting back. There was a knock on the door and he looked up hoping he didn’t look as pitiful as he felt when Stark stepped out of his hideous red and gold suit. He’d for sure never get rid of the man now. Technically he’d saved the day three times in less than two weeks. He didn’t know why it kept happening or why the fuck Stark and his security team were so fucking slow, but he was tired of this shit already. Why did Stark keep trying to get him to take it up full time? Did he not know how done Bucky was with this?

“The fuck have I done?”

“The job of six other people.”

“Who are slow as shit. I waited five minutes for your guys to show up and that was a fucking rhetorical question.”

“Go home, Barnes. You look like you need a break.”

Bucky snorted. “If only. I have to start completely over on this shit. Have the IT Nerds or whoever handles this shit fix the fucking autosave, please. For my sanity if nothing else. I just lost six hours of work.”

“Okay. If you go home. Leave your work. It can wait.”

Bucky nodded grabbing his cup of lukewarm Death Coffee then shut down his computer and walked out of his office. He was going to go home, nuke a TV dinner, drink a beer, and then pass the fuck out for the next 12 hours like he deserved.

***

The next day he’d rushed straight through the lobby and to the bank of elevators. He didn’t want to take the stairs just in case some moron was going to try to take over the tower in them again. So far as he was concerned that shit could just not happen again. He was done being an accidental on purpose day saver. From now on Stark and his apparently shitty security team and the rest of the Avengers could handle shit on their own. He was so done.

He walked into his office flicking the light on as he swung the door shut and barely managed to keep from jumping and screaming in a very manly not at all scared six year old girl way. Military training at its best. Fucking Black Widow was sitting in his extra chair where she’d cleaned the books off it and dragged it against the wall instead of near his desk where he usually kept it.

“Stark finally give up?”

“No.”

“He send you to get rid of me because I know too much?”

She snorted indelicately. “If he was going to do that he would have done it a long time ago.”

Bucky shrugged then went to sit at his desk and boot up his computer. “Well, you can tell him the same thing Barton and Wilson already did. I’m not signing up with security.”

“It’s not about security anymore.”

Do what? He nearly pulled a move from The Exorcist when he jerked his head up from his screen and turned his head to look at her. He barely stopped his head from doing a 360. “The fuck you say.”

“Fuck.”

“Absolutely not. Go tell Stark I’m not interested in joining his group of weirdos. I have my own weirdos.” The fuck was he thinking? If Bucky didn’t want to join his security team why the hell would he want to enter ground zero of weirdness?

“Okay.” She shrugged but instead of leaving seemed to settle more comfortably in the chair without actually moving anything other than her arms as she reached over to pick up a book and opened the front cover.

“Um…I have to work now so…”

“It’s okay. I’m fine.”

He rolled his eyes at her tiny smirk then sighed and turned back to his computer. If she thought she was going to wait him out she was severely mistaken. He was a sniper. He was pretty sure he could outwait the Widow.

Three days. Three fucking days she sat in his extra chair taking turns reading his books or staring at him silently while he worked. After their first brief conversation she hadn’t said another word. It was weirding him out, but her presence was also kind of comforting in a way. 

After he’d gone in on the second day to find her there he’d left almost immediately figuring he’d just work through lunch and went after coffee. He got his usual and grabbed her the whitest white girl coffee they had on the menu. The barista had stared at him like he was crazy when he’d ordered the white chocolate raspberry Frappuccino, but it had been worth the look when he had gone back into his office and handed the drink to Romanov. She’d stared unblinking at the cup for a long moment before taking a sip of it and humming thoughtfully and taking a longer drink. She’d nodded then picked up her book and started reading again.

On day three he’d ordered two of his usual figuring she might like real coffee instead of the weird fruit and not-real-chocolate thing he’d gotten her the day before. She had taken one sip of it and choked then sat it aside while wrinkling her nose at the apparently offending drink. He had left during lunch to get her another white chocolate raspberry whatever-the-fuck and she’d smiled thankfully.

“This isn’t Stockholm Syndrome just so you know,” he’d murmured on his way past. She had only grinned then gone back to her book. He was pretty sure it was the beginnings of Stockholm Syndrome or something.

The next day he’d walked into his office with his regular coffee and some kind of weird green tea thing (who the hell actually drank tea?) only to find that Romanov was gone. He would be lying if he said he hadn’t been a little bit disappointed. Definitely Stockholm Syndrome. He sat at his desk sitting her tea on the corner where he wouldn’t accidently knock it off and booted his computer.

He’d only been working about ten minutes when there was a hesitant knock on the doorjamb. He looked away from his computer, blinking his eyes to get them to adjust and saw a slightly rumpled looking Dr. Banner standing in the doorway holding a wicked looking laptop.

“Mr. Stark send you?”

“Yes.”

Bucky sighed heavily with a roll of his eyes.

“Is that a bribe?”

“Tony said to bring it to you to replace the one you all think no one knows about. Something about using it to play Tetris on the supercomputer? He said you brained a guy with the other one and broke it.”

“Yeah, asshole caused me to lose six hours of work.” Dr. Banner looked mildly impressed as he walked into the office and Bucky grinned as the laptop was sat on an empty spot on his desk. “Tell Stark I don’t take bribes and that I’m not interested, please.”

Dr. Banner nodded. “Tony’s…well, Tony. He likes to collect new and shiny things.”

“He ain’t gettin’ my arm back, pal.” He was kind of attached to it.

“He doesn’t just want your arm.”

“He ain’t getting the rest of me either.”

“I know. I told him. We’ve all told him. He’s stubborn though.”

Bucky snorted. “No shit.” The man just didn’t know how to give the fuck up did he? Well, Bucky was gonna have to figure out a way to get him to give up. He couldn’t keep doing this. He was so far behind with work he was on the verge of just giving up all together. Maybe he’d finally take his vacation days like his higher ups kept harping about. For some reason they thought he looked stressed lately and needed to take a week or two off work. Gee, he wondered why.

“I’ll just go tell him you said no.”

“Yeah. Thanks. Sorry you have to put up with him.”

He shrugged his shoulders and stepped back from the desk. “He’s not so bad. Takes a little bit to get used to him.”

Bucky didn’t want to get used to him. He wanted to be far, far away from him. “It must.” Dr. Banner laughed quietly and Bucky sighed, dropping his gaze back to his desk where the cup of green tea whatever was sitting and going to waste. “Hey, Dr. Banner?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you drink green tea?”

“Yeah.” 

Bucky nodded as he reached for the cup then handed it to him. “It’s green tea something or other. I got it for Romanov but she didn’t show today. Don’t want it to go to waste.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem. Good luck with Stark.”

Dr. Banner chuckled and saluted him with the cup then turned and left. Bucky sighed as he stared at the shiny new Tetris laptop on his desk hoping that Dr. Banner would be able to talk Stark out of his weird fascination with him. The dude just needed to give the fuck up already. 

He finally grabbed the laptop and carried it out of his office and into the larger room full of actual cubicles. Gary, one the few people on Bucky’s list of potential bringers of the first Tetris laptop, was sitting at his desk spinning around in his chair with two pencils stuck up his nose and quarter sized googly eyes stuck to his eyelids. Ah, the exciting life of an Intelligence Nerd. Bucky had enjoyed that life once. He hoped he got to enjoy it again at some point. Though without the pencils shoved up his nose eraser first. He’d never been quite that bored. He may have once been bored enough to stick googly eyes to himself. You couldn’t prove it though.

“Gary, I got us a new Tetris laptop.”

Gary opened his eyes, the googlies falling to his chest as he blinked and pulled the pencils from his nose. “Huh?”

“New Tetris laptop.”

“Oh, sweet.” Bucky handed it to him with a grin. He would definitely take credit for getting the laptop. Technically it was his anyway. Dr. Banner had left it on his desk instead of returning it to Stark. “Holy, shit Barnes! How did you get ahold of this,” Gary squealed as he booted up the laptop. “This isn’t even due out until next year. What the fuck?” Bucky shrugged. The laptop he carried around and worked from home with was the same one he’d been using for the last four years. It worked and handled their system updates so he kept it. “Holy fuck.” Bucky looked down at the screen and saw Gary staring in awe at the system information. It just looked like a bunch of random numbers and letters to him.

“Is that good?” 

“This is the best laptop anyone could ever buy. It’s Stark.”

Of course it was. “Good. Well, stick it in the old one’s hiding place when you’re done feeling it up.”

“Sure thing.”

Bucky chuckled to himself and went back to his office to return to work. Maybe he could finish the day without any further interruptions. After nearly two weeks of disasters he should have realized it wouldn’t be that easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve shows up in the next chapter.


	3. Now Isn't a Good Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A wild Steve appears!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This hasn't been edited very much, I did a cursory glance over it, and will do again when I'm not so tired, but I wanted to get this posted tonight.

Not even two hours after dropping off the new Tetris laptop he heard another knock at his door and growled. He just wanted to fucking work! What the fuck was he going to have to fucking to do get Stark to remove the target from his ass?

“I swear to God if you don’t leave me the hell alone I’m going to rip my arm off and throw it at you. I have to fucking work and I can’t do it if you keep sending your minions in here to beg me to work with you!”

“I take it now isn’t a good time.” A voice that sounded half amused, half shocked filled the room.

Bucky jerked his head up only to flail and fall out of his chair when his eyes confirmed what his ears already knew. “Ow.” Holy shit! Holy shit he was so fired. He’d just cussed out Captain America. 

He was going to die of embarrassment. Since he was already so close he crawled the rest of the way under his desk hoping the blonde would leave before the manners drilled into him by his mother and later the Army kicked in and he tried apologized for being rude. He knew he’d only wind up making a fool of himself if he tried to talk to him. More of a fool anyway. “Fuck.” He whimpered and slumped against the underside of the desk thunking his head with a quiet whimper. Holy shit.

“Sergeant Barnes?”

Shit. He was going to have to try to talk to him wasn’t he? Rogers wasn’t going to leave until he did was he?

“Are you all right?”

Bucky thunked his head again then started messing with the cords and cables he was fixing to tangle himself up in so he’d have an excuse to hang out under his desk. “Yeah. Sorry. Thanks. I’m busy so bye now.” He winced, hoping that the obnoxious squeak in his voice was only in his head. He sounded like he’d just started to hit puberty. 

“All right.” Was that laughter in his voice? “I guess I’ll try again later.”

“Okay.” What the hell? Was there a mouse in his damn office? His voice hadn’t been that damn squeaky since he was fifteen. It had to be a mouse running around his office and squeaking annoyingly while he was trying to speak. Probably Stark had people that took care of errant rodents. He’d have to check into it.

He waited until he heard Rogers leave to crawl part way out from under his desk and peek around it to make sure he was actually gone and then crawled back under it and waited five more minutes just to be on the safe side. All the while freaking out about having cussed out the man of his many, many, fantasies. Not all of them were pervy though so he thought he should get brownie points for those ones. The ones where it was frighteningly romantic and they went on dates to fancy restaurants and went back to his place and drank a couple beers or some wine and made out on the couch all soft and slow, trading kisses that didn’t necessarily lead anywhere. Something domestic and cozy. 

Not at all like the ones where Bucky tackled him and kissed him and then they ripped each other’s clothes off and went at it and it got all sweaty and sort of violent but in a good way and a little bit kinky and unf. He probably didn’t get brownie points for those ones. What was the opposite of brownie points? Pervy points? Man, he had to come up with a better point system.

When he finally crawled out from under his desk he screamed in a totally manly and not at all mouse like squeaky way and nearly ducked back under when he found the Widow sitting in his desk chair. How the fuck had she even gotten there without him noticing?

“Are you all right, Barnes?”

“Um…yeah?”

“What are pervy points?”

“How much did you hear?” If she heard him he wanted to die. He also wanted his headstone to read ‘I definitely did not strangle myself with my computer cords’. Just in case someone asked how he died. All anyone would have to do is point to his headstone.

She snorted indelicately and grinned. “The mutterings of a madman, I’m guessing. I got here in time to hear you say unf and mumble something about pervy points.”

“Is there something I can help you with?”

“Take me to your coffee shop. We should talk.”

“About? And how do I know you’re not just leading me to my death?”

“You don’t,” she said with a tiny smirk that was somehow evil as shit and adorable at the same time. 

The way she stared at him made him reevaluate the mouse in his office thing and start thinking that he was most definitely the mouse. She reminded him of a cat watching the adorable mouse run around nibbling on things before it pounced and played with it to death. Probably he should actually answer her at some point. But eep. On one hand; she was probably taking him off site to kill him. On the other hand; coffee. He had priorities, okay? Maybe she’d let him have one last cup of Death Coffee before she killed him and stuffed his body into a freezer somewhere.

“Yeah, okay.” He crawled the rest of the way out from under his desk and stood then turned and saved what he’d been working on before he forgot to and lost it all. He may or may not have learned his lesson about autosave finally.

“Let’s go.”

***

He opened the door to the coffee shop, holding it for Romanov. His ingrained politeness may have been too terrified by nerves to apologize to Rogers, but it was even more terrified to not hold the door open for Natasha. She gave him a small smile as she walked in and raised a brow when she saw the dingy shop.

The tile floor used to be white as evidenced by the stark white rectangle where the counter had one once sat. Three walls were exposed brick and a fourth was drywall that had been painted a horrible greyish brown color they must have gotten out of the fuck up bin at the store because it was cheap. Bucky couldn’t see anyone purposely picking out the color. Generic mass produced coffee art was hung on the walls. The tables and chairs didn’t match each other much less anything else in the place and had probably gotten picked up from the curb. But it worked. So long as you didn’t want a table that sat flat on the floor or a chair that didn’t stab you somewhere delicate.

He walked with her to the counter, smiling to himself when she ordered the white chocolate raspberry Frappuccino he’d gotten for her before and a cream cheese danish. He ordered his usual and a chocolate cupcake with coffee buttercream icing and chocolate covered espresso beans sprinkled on top to hold him over until he managed to go home and nuke a TV dinner or order a pizza. 

His culinary skills sucked, okay? He could nuke a TV dinner, open a box of macaroni and cheese, make ants on a log, or he could order out and not have to eat around the burned macaroni that inevitably stuck to the bottom of the pan.

He walked Natasha to the best table in the place which also happened to be the one with the best sightlines and switched out chairs so she’d get the good one. After a little bit of maneuvering and getting jabbed in the inner thigh with a piece of broken chair that he finished breaking off and tossed under the table they managed to sit.

“Why are we here?”

“Enjoying the coffee. Although I would probably enjoy it more not knowing where it came from.”

He rolled his eyes. “You said you wanted to talk.” He peeled the paper off of his cupcake and broke it in half then handed her one of the halves. She took a dainty bite and wrinkled her nose in thought then hummed and took another bite.

“Did Rogers talk to you?”

“Uh, he came by but I was busy so he left. Said he’d try again later. Why?”

“Just wondering.” She shrugged and tore her danish in half and handed a piece to him.

“Yeah huh. I’m not doing it. You need to tell him to give up, okay? I like my office. I like my job. It’s quiet. Or used to be before you guys started stalking me.”

“What happened that’s got you so against working security?”

Yeah, like he was going to answer that question. His reasons were his own. He just wanted to sit in his office, go through whatever information got passed to him, and then go home at the end of the day knowing that he’d helped in whatever way he could without having to pick up a gun again. “Thought you said it wasn’t about security anymore? Stark wants me to join up with you guys.”

“We thought security might be the better option for now. Just until you get your feet wet.”

“The better option is me staying in my office. I appreciate that you guys think I’m cut out for avenging, really, but I’m not. I’m not cut out for security either. I had my fill of all of this when I was in the Army.”

“I don’t think so. If you had then you’d have run like everyone else. Like you’re supposed to.”

“What, I was supposed to run and hide when Stark’s security team was busy with their thumbs up their asses? Fuck that. Besides, two out of the three was because I just happened to be in the right place.”

“What about training security? You know the building inside and out. You know what they should be doing. How fast their reaction times should be.”

“So do you. So why don’t you do it?”

“We can’t afford to break in a new team.”

“Then you can’t afford me.” 

He took a drink of his coffee to hide his smirk and tensed when he realized they were being watched. He frowned slightly as he lowered his cup. They’d barely been there for fifteen minutes. Did she know? Who was watching them anyway? There were only a few other people in the coffee shop. It was out of the way enough that not many people frequented it after the morning rush. He downed the last few drinks of his coffee then stood and made his way back to the counter, ignoring the warning bells in his head that told him he was never to drink two cups of Death Coffee in such close succession, and glanced around carefully. He spotted some douchey looking guys that looked like crosses between dudebros and corporate drones, which weird combination but whatever, that were suddenly extremely interested in their phones and he sighed despondently.

One day. Just one freaking day without a disaster or embarrassing himself would be so awesome. He really was going to put in for his vacation days. As soon as they got back to the tower. He’d probably even take the full two weeks like they’d been trying to get him to do. He ordered another cup of his coffee from the cute guy behind the counter and pasted a flirty smile on his face that earned him a phone number and the name Sean written on his cup. Too bad, Coffee Boy Sean. Bucky refused to get involved with anyone that made his coffee. If it went sideways he’d have to find a new coffee shop and he doubted he’d find one as good as the one he was standing in.

The two douchey guys stood up as he walked back toward the table where Natasha was seemingly interested in a gossip rag were Stark’s ass was probably once again brilliantly shining. Bucky took a sip of his coffee as he stepped up the table. Thankfully the table was in the back corner, angled between the two walls. He handed the Widow his coffee when the guys got close, one of them reaching inside their jacket, then grabbed the table with his left hand and flipped it on its side then flung it hard enough that it took the two men with it as it flew and embedded all three and a half legs into the wall, smooshing them between hardwood and plaster.

He sighed again then took his coffee back from Natasha and sat in his chair, eyeballing the two men. Coffee Boy Sean began screeching and Romanov went to speak to him while Bucky kept sitting and drinking his coffee. If this was his last cup of Death Coffee because he was most definitely going to have to find a new coffee shop now he was damn well going to enjoy it while interrogating some douchey weird guys.

“Why were you watching us?” When they only groaned he rolled his eyes and slouched in his chair. Fuck it. He’d let Romanov handle it. She could probably skewer them with one of those tiny coffee stirrer straw thingies if they didn’t answer her. 

And what the fuck were people doing invading his coffee shop now? It was like they were waiting for him and Natasha to show up. Had they been watching him? Or had they been watching the Widow? In which case she knew they’d be there and had brought him along for backup she didn’t need because he’d seen video of her taking on ten guys almost his size on her own before so either way it didn’t make sense. Okay, he was intelligence, so there was that if people decided to stalk him, but even so it wasn’t like he actually knew anything important.  

Yeah, that was a lie; he was three of the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon away from the Avengers and fed them a lot of the intel they needed to Get Shit Done™, but how did people know about him now? Was there a mole at the tower? Did someone see all the Avengers paying special attention to him and be all like ‘oh, hey, let’s ruin Bucky’s life ‘cause he’s close to the Avengers’? Man, fuck people. He was definitely putting in for his vacation days. In fact his vacation days were going to start now. Okay, tomorrow because he had to finish this day of Hell first, but tomorrow he was definitely going to be on vacation. He pulled his cell out and texted his bosses to tell them he was taking his vacation then sighed dramatically and finished his coffee while watching Romanov interrogate the douchey guys and pretending that Coffee Boy Sean wasn’t glaring daggers at him from across the shop.

Stark and Barton walked in about the time he finished his coffee, took one look at the table still embedded in the wall and pinning the guys, whistled slow and drawn out, and then walked to the counter to order coffee from Coffee Boy Sean.

“Go home, Barnes. You look like hell.”

“Thank you. You’re so kind.”

“Seriously, kid.” Stark walked over carrying his own cup of Death Coffee. “Don’t you have vacation days or something lined up?”

“Starting tomorrow.”

“How about starting now? You’re looking kind of frazzled around the edges.”

“This is my natural state lately.”

“Go home, Barnes. We’ll handle this,” Barton murmured as he walked over carrying a cup of coffee and one of the cupcakes Bucky had gotten earlier. He licked icing off of his thumb and turned to watch Romanov with a sappy smile.

“Yeah, okay.” 

He was going to go home, eat dinner of some sort and sleep for the next two days.

***

Unfortunately when he got home his baby sister was waiting to ambush him as soon as he walked in the door. He heard a screeching war cry and felt skinny arms wrap around him as he turned to lock the door.

“Bucky!”

“Oh, God. Why me?” He thunked his head against the door then winced with a yelp when sharp nails pinched the back of his arm.

“Dick!”

“Whaaat,” he whined, rubbing his arm as he turned around.

“Jesus, Buck. When’s the last time you slept?”

Did he actually look as exhausted as he felt? He must look like a complete nightmare. “Last night.”

“Why do you look like shit then?” She gave him a slow once over, checking for injuries he knew, and then shook her head disappointedly. “You’ve been fighting again.”

“Nope.” She glared and he threw his hands up. It technically wasn’t lying because he definitely had not signed on to be security or to join Stark’s trippy family of weirdos and he hadn’t actually gotten hit by any of the douchebags he’d been dealing with lately. “I haven’t! I’d have told you if I was. I’m an office drone now. I’m perfectly content sitting in my crappy chair at my crappy desk in my crappy office.”

“Uh huh. You enjoy it, yet it’s all crappy.”

“I’m tired, Becca. I spent twelve hours digging through papers and typing up files and clearing information and dealing with some people at work that have decided to adopt me for some reason and I just wanted to come home and eat dinner and then go to bed and sleep for the next two days before I get to enjoy my vacation.” He whimpered pitifully, hoping she’d put off whatever it was she’d come over for and she pouted slightly and patted him on the arm.

“Poor baby. But this is actually kind of perfect.”

“Rude, Becca!” The fuck? His misery was perfect? Did she not understand what he had to deal with now? No, of course not because he hadn’t told her because she’d try to kill him and/or cry and he just couldn’t deal with that right now.

“No, I brought the stuff for frozen mudslides.”

“It’s Wednesday.”

“Dude, you just said you were on vacation. We’re having mudslides and burgers.”

“You cookin’? Cause I honestly don’t feel like it.”

“Cooking’s ass. Fuck that shit. I’ll run down to that craptastic diner you love so much and get our burgers and while I do that you can take a shower and then work on the mudslides.”

“You love it too.”

“Eh.” She shrugged then kissed his cheek and flounced her way out of his apartment after shoving him aside. 

He rolled his eyes locking the door, not that it would keep her out since she had a key. Even if she didn’t have a key a locked door wouldn’t keep her out. He’d done his duty as an older brother and mild delinquent and taught her a little bit about breaking and entering. She could pick any lock in about five seconds flat. He pretended it didn’t worry him that she was so good at it. She’d never stolen anything that he was aware of but they had run around breaking into their friend’s apartments and moving all the furniture to different spots, rearranged their movie collections, put diaper rash cream in their toothpaste tubes, and cream cheese in their deodorant. Shit like that. It had been fun. It had stopped being so much fun when they’d gotten busted and almost sent to juvenile hall. Fun times.

He took the fastest shower his tired old bones were capable of then dressed in his Captain America pajama pants that were navy blue with little shields all over them, pretending he wasn’t blushing over the fact that the man himself had been in his office and seen him act like a crazy person, and a white t-shirt and then made his way into the kitchen where a paper bag sat on the counter. He pulled out the Kahlua, vodka, and Irish cream liqueur, and cracked them open to pour into the blender. Next was ice and a few scoops of vanilla ice cream. He blended it and taste tested then added more Kahlua before pulling a jar of hot fudge sauce out of the fridge and heating it in the microwave for a few seconds so it would be easier to pour. He grabbed two glasses and swirled the fudge around the inside of them then poured the frozen mudslide and topped it with whipped cream and more fudge sauce. They were missing something, he thought as he stared at the cups. Duh. He turned and dug through the junk drawer pulling out two crazy straws that had little Captain Americas hanging off of them and jabbed them into the drinks.

***

An hour later he and his sister were sat on the couch having finished the entire pitcher of frozen mudslides and their burgers, whined about their current love lives or lack thereof, and were now working on not-frozen mudslides and watching the Captain America documentary he pretended he didn’t own a copy of. Becca was three sheets to the wind and he was well on his way to joining her.

“Oh my God! Bucky look!”

“I’m lookin’.” He was looking so hard. He literally could not be looking any harder than he already was.

Rogers was on the screen dressed in his gaudy uniform and not the badass stealth one. He was still hot in it though so it was okay. He was talking about his time in basic training, about some douchecanoe that had tortured him the entire time and how hard he had worked to get through it. How he wouldn’t have been able to if not for the few people who had actually believed in him. So sweet.

“I’d climb that man like a tree,” Becca said with a lusty sigh. Amen sister.

“Same.” A picture of Rogers from when he’d been a teeny tiny twink flashed up as he spoke and Bucky sighed. “I’d have boned him even when he was teeny. If I wouldn’t have been worried about breaking him in half.”

Becca nodded slowly with a contemplative look on her face. “Same.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Steve isn't in this chapter a whole lot but he will be in the next one more.
> 
> For anyone that may not know, ants on a log is you take a stalk of celery smear peanut butter on it and line up raisins down the peanut butter. You can also use cream cheese, but I prefer peanut butter. It's a cute snack for the kiddos and gets them to eat good for you things. 
> 
> Frozen Mudslide  
> 1 part Kahlua  
> 1 part vodka  
> 1 part Irish cream liqueur  
> 3 scoops vanilla ice cream  
> 1 cup ice  
> Throw it in a blender until blended  
> Whipped cream and fudge sauce are optional


	4. Vacation? Who Needs a Vacation?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky ain't cut out for this vacation shit, okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may have accidentally lied about Steve being in this chapter more. I had to change stuff around. Next chapter for sure though.
> 
> Also I haven't replied to comments yet, but I read them all and love them. I'll do it soon. <3

 

Five days into his vacation Bucky was already going stir crazy. He’d spent the first day with a hangover and made a vow to never drink that many mudslides at one time ever again. He was pretty sure it was bad for him. He’d be doing extra work at the gym when he went back to make up for it. He had to work out like mad anyway because of all the junk food he ate. He did substitute with vile tasting protein shakes like once a week though. And his pizza had vegetables on it so that counted for something right? He was getting his basic food groups so that’s what mattered.

The second day he’d spent lying on his couch in his pajamas playing Tetris on the Facebook messenger app and competing with Gary to see how many levels they could get to and who got the farthest. After they’d gotten tired of competitive Tetris they’d switched over to Galaga which Bucky hated because it had been so much easier to play on an actual gaming console or computer than it was on his cellphone. After that had been Space Invaders; Bucky had always loved to play it when they got computer time in elementary school. Back in the day when everything was run on DOS and you had to use gigantic floppy disks. And then there was Battleship, but one thing Bucky wanted to know was when the hell Facebook was going to get Oregon Trail. He’d always died of dysentery about five minutes in, but he still had loved the game. And where the shit was Pipe Dream? He and Gary had played games for hours in between Gary actually working. Bucky had beaten him by a few levels in all the games except one. PAC-MAN. Seriously. Fuck PAC-Man okay. He’d always sucked at that stupid ass game with its creepy yellow circle guy that ran around popping pills and eating ghosts. Freaky.

Day three he’d finally dragged his ass off of his couch and taken a shower. After his shower he’d nuked a frozen pizza, those little nasty ones that used to be round but were now slightly rectangular. He’d lived on them from the ages of 11 to 16. Well, he guessed technically he’d lived on them all his life because he was still eating the things. And he liked putting them in the microwave because the cheese burned and the pizza got hard around the edges and they got crunchier than in his oven for some reason. He spent the rest of the day watching Torchwood on Netflix. Except for seasons three and four because Children of Earth and Miracle Day ruined everything. And those fuckers had killed off Ianto. He absolutely had not cried the only two times he had watched Children of Earth okay? He just always happened to get a twig or a branch or something in his eye when Ianto died in Jack’s arms and Jack was all weepy.

On day four he’d reached his limit for lying on the couch and watching shows on Netflix and had spent the day reading and catching up on the sleep he’d lost while watching Netflix. He’d even spent an hour in a hot bubble bath with his shoulder length hair pinned up on top of his head and draining and refilling the tub when the water got tepid. He got out smelling like the wild honeysuckle shower gel from Bath and Bodyworks and then slathered himself in the matching body cream. It was good to pamper yourself sometimes okay?

Day five he was bored out of his fucking mind and almost wished he was back at work. Except for the random Avengers showing up in his office and trying to talk him into joining security and/or their team of superheroes. Oh, and the bad guys that somehow kept showing up even though the tower was supposed to be one of the most secure buildings on the planet. Stark really needed to get that shit figured out. Like soon. He was tired of that shit. He was almost tired enough of it to take the security position so long as Stark put him in charge of the whole thing just so he could handle it all himself. He wasn’t quite that desperate though and hoped he never would be.

When he’d gotten tired of being bored he’d opened his laptop to work on the last files he’d been given. It was the biggest mistake he ever could have made. For some fucking reason Stark apparently got a ping whenever Bucky logged in because not even thirty seconds after he’d opened the files his cell phone started to ring from somewhere in the couch cushions. He ignored it hoping whoever it was would just leave him a voicemail and go away then groaned when he heard Stark’s muffled voice. How the shit did he do that? Did Stark just hack his fucking phone to answer it?

“Hey kid! You’re supposed to be on vacation.” His voice sounded small and far away while being muffled in the cushions and Bucky sighed digging around for his phone.

“What do you want,” he asked after finally finding his phone between the cushion and armrest. He raised a brow at the speakerphone icon lit up and then tossed his phone on the coffee table.

“You’re supposed to be on vacation. Vacation means not working.”

“Eh.”

“You’re that bored already?”

“Maybe. How’d you know anyway?”

“I have my ways.”

“You stalking me? What am I wearing right now?”

“Black boxer briefs and a grimace.”

Bucky jolted looking down at himself to confirm that yes his boxer briefs were actually black and poked his face to check for the grimace. Yep. It was there. What the fuck? “What the fuck?”

“I may or may not be using the webcam on your laptop to spy on you right now.”

Bucky didn’t bother putting his thumb over the tiny lense for the camera. Stark had already seen everything. “Pretty sure that’s illegal. Not to mention a huge violation of my privacy.”

“I like your privacy. Jeez, you give Cap a run for his money in the muscle bound hunk territory. How the hell? All you eat is crap.” Stark mumbled quietly. Bucky thought the man had meant to whisper and had failed dramatically. “Anyway, I’m booting you from the system until your vacation days are over. Go to the park or something.”

“What? You can’t do that!” What the hell would he do for the rest of his vacation?

“Uh…yeah, I can. Technically I’m your boss.”

“You’re my boss like five times removed. It’s not the same thing.”

“Close enough. Oh! Before I go, what did you say to Cap when he went to your office?”

“Just told him I was busy, why?”

“No reason.” Stark answered too quickly to be believed and Bucky glared at his laptop. “No working on vacation!” He hung up before Bucky could say another word and the brunette pouted at his laptop when a message popped up on the screen that told him his access was denied.

“Well, shit.”

He spent ten minutes staring at the blinking message before growling and flipping the screen down so he wouldn’t have to see it anymore. He was bored as hell and going to have to do something. Something crazy. Something like leaving his apartment. Ugh.

Although, if he left his apartment he could go buy coffee. If Coffee Boy Sean even let him in the door of the coffee shop. If not he’d have to hunt down a new coffee shop, but he didn’t want to. The one he had was so perfect for him. Maybe Stark would buy it but keep it exactly like it was and never show up and then Bucky could still get his coffee there. Or…instead of something that insane, he could flirt with Coffee Boy Sean and hope he got him to forgive him that way. If he was going to flirt he’d have to get dressed in real clothes and do his hair. Ugh. Why was everything so hard?

An hour later, because you couldn’t rush perfection, Bucky not so enthusiastically trudged out of his apartment wearing date clothes that consisted of a blue long sleeved button up that matched his eyes almost exactly and with the sleeves rolled to his forearms, black super skinnies that hugged his thighs and ass, and his black patent leather Doc Marten’s with ribbon laces. He’d put his hair up in an almost messy bun, wisps curling along his cheekbones and jaw. Was it too much work for a cup of coffee? Probably. Was it worth it? Definitely. Still, it didn’t help him be any more enthusiastic about having to trudge out of his apartment, out of his building, to the subway, and then to the coffee shop where he may or may not wind up getting his Death Coffee.

He wished he’d stayed home in the end.

He’d walked in the door slowly, trying not to be noticed but was immediately set upon by Coffee Boy Sean. The guy practically leaped the counter and ran to him. Bucky sighed figuring he was going to get torn a new one but Sean only wrapped him in a hug rambling on and on about something Bucky couldn’t quite understand what with the way the guy was tangled up in him and talking into Bucky’s shoulder, mumbling something that sounded like ‘god you smell good’. His wild honeysuckle stuff was pretty awesome.

“Do what now?” Bucky carefully extracted himself from the hug and Sean giggled.

“I got a fucking promotion because of what you did! When my boss showed up after you left the other day and saw the Avengers here he went crazy. Like good crazy, but still crazy. He was so excited. Look!” Sean turned Bucky toward the back corner where he usually sat and Bucky’s jaw dropped. His table, the one he’d thrown into the wall and pinned the douchebags with was still embedded into the wall. The broken plaster had been swept from the floor and the chairs still sat in their usual places. On the old table signed in gold metallic permanent marker were Barton, Romanov, and Stark’s signatures. It didn’t help the peeling veneer or the chipped away particle board any, but there they were. For all the world to see.

“Will you sign it too? I’ll get the marker!”

“What? Why?”

“It’s not every day we have Avengers in a dump like this.” Sean was already off and running back to the counter and Bucky could only stand there blinking dumbly. What?

“I…am not an Avenger?”

“You were with them though! Are you dating Black Widow?”

Bucky almost snorted. No. She was gorgeous as hell, but Bucky was pretty sure she and Barton had a thing. Had to have what with the way Barton had been staring all dopey eyed at her the other day. Besides, he was more into blondes these days. “No. I’m not.”

“Then what were you doing with her?”

“Having coffee with an acquaintance.”

“Yeah, you share your cupcake with an acquaintance. I believe that one.” Sean rolled his eyes coming back around with the marker. “You’re either fixing to be an Avenger or you’re dating Black Widow.”

“Neither.”

“Fine. Don’t tell me. Sign the table though. Please.”

What the hell? He wasn’t an Avenger. He was a boring paper pusher. A corporate drone. Yeah, he was an Intelligence Nerd, but there wasn’t anything that exciting about it. Usually the most exciting thing that happened was finally beating level 99 of Tetris and even doing that they’d still never beaten their highest score and they’d certainly never reached the World Record score of 999,999. And they sure as hell had never gotten anything close the record score with only 207 lines. Of course the record had been on an NES console without using cheats or glitches, which made it even more amazing, but Bucky and the rest of the Nerds were playing on a laptop.

“Dude, it’ll make my boss happy. I’ll start on your coffee while you sign it. Thanks.” Sean shoved the marker into Bucky’s hand then ran back behind the counter.

Bucky sighed as he wondered, yet again, what his life had become. What had he done to bring this mess into it? He sighed again and then walked to the table as he uncapped the marker. He signed his initials, J.B., because he didn’t want anyone having his full name. He didn’t even want anything close to his name on the stupid table, but he doubted anyone would be able to find him with only two out of three initials.

He shook his head at his initials up there with Tony, Clint, and Natasha’s signatures then walked to the counter to get his coffee and give Sean the marker back. When he tried to pay for it Sean refused to take his money and Bucky shoved it in the tip jar instead then picked up his cup and turned to walk out of the shop. He tripped over his own feet, almost fell on his face, and wound up dropping his cup on the grungy tiled floor with a yelp when he saw a familiar figure standing just outside the door. Party foul.

“Shit!” He spun around and rushed toward the back, hoping to avoid his stupid crush with all those stupid muscles and those stupid blue eyes and stupid kissable lips and the stupidly adorable frowny eyebrow thing he’d had going on when he’d seen Bucky almost fall on his face. Awesome. “Sorry about the mess! I gotta go!” He ran behind the counter and back to the little kitchen where they made the cupcakes and danishes and then ran out the backdoor and into the filthy alley. 

He only slowed when he thought he was far enough away from the unexpected arrival of Steve Freaking Rogers. He’d just wanted a cup of coffee damn it. Instead, he’d wasted a perfectly good hour getting all dolled up and then close to another hour getting to the damn coffee shop for nothing aside from writing his initials on the table he’d embedded into the wall. Fuck his life.

He spent the next few days of his vacation deprived of Death Coffee just in case Rogers happened to be at the coffee shop again and was forced to make do with his backups of Cyclone and Brooklyn Bridge Blend made by Brooklyn Bean Roastery. If he drank like three cups of Cyclone with creamer and sugar followed by one cup of Brooklyn Bridge it almost replicated his Death Coffee. Almost.

He’d managed to get Gary to give him his login information so he could at least do some work to keep himself occupied, but apparently his clearance level was far above Gary’s and he couldn’t even get close to any of his files with Gary’s clearance. He’d tried a few of the other Nerd’s logins and couldn’t get anything done with theirs either.

In the end someone must have tipped off Stark somehow because Bucky’d gotten completely locked out of their system no matter whose login he used and then his laptop kept getting shut down remotely every time he tried to turn it on. Not knowing anything other than how to run a virus scan or work on his files Bucky didn’t know the first thing about being able to push Stark out. He knew it was Stark. He just didn’t know how to make the maniac stop. There were lots of things he didn’t know how to get Stark to stop. Well, a few things anyway. Like annoying him, having the rest of his team stalk him, making his phone answer itself when he wanted to ignore it, and locking him out of the system completely when he wanted to work on his vacation because he was bored out of his skull.

“Hey, kid. Don’t you have any hobbies?”

Bucky damn near jumped off of his couch when he heard Stark’s voice coming from his phone then rolled his eyes at himself and at Stark.

“I read.”

“Reading is not a hobby. Is that why you like your job so much? Because you like to read?”

“No. I like my job because it was quiet. Because it was a way for me to help again without…anyway what do you want this time?”

“By now you may have noticed that I locked you out and have been having J shut down your laptop when you try to use it.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve been informed by a very reliable source that I may have gone overboard.”

Wasn’t overboard Stark’s natural state? “Ms. Potts yell at you?”

“Maybe. After a certain blonde told her that I’d been torturing the employees again.”

Bucky snorted. “No shit.”

“Shit. So I uh…you can use your laptop again, but you’re still locked out until your vacation days are up.”

“I’m coming back on Monday. I can’t handle this not having anything to do shit. I can handle assholes that bust into the tower like dumbasses because they think they’re smart enough to get away with it as long as I don’t have to deal with them. I maybe can even sort of handle assholes barging into my office and begging me to join their super-secret cult, but what I can’t handle is not working. I thought I needed a break and I was so very wrong. What I need is to be doing something.”

“I’ve also been informed by a usually reliable blonde, the same blonde that told on me, that you looked stressed and jittery when he saw you the other day at the coffee shop and that you probably needed to come back to work. He gets jittery when he doesn’t have anything to do either. And apparently neither one of you knows what a vacation is.”

“Rogers said he saw me?” Wow, what a thing to focus on, Barnes.

“Yep.” Did Stark sound amused or was Bucky projecting? “Said you tripped over your own feet, almost fell on your face, dropped your coffee, and then ran like hell.” Definitely amused, Bucky thought with a glare when Stark giggled like a five year old. “Why did you run away?”

“I uh…was in a hurry.”

“Uh huh.”

“Leave me alone.” Bucky picked up his phone, popped the back cover off, and then pulled the battery out. The last thing he needed was Stark figuring out Bucky’s stupid crush. He’d definitely exploit it. Probably it was already too late. Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, the Brooklyn Beans coffee is pretty decent coffee. Cyclone and Express-O are awesome. The Corner Donut Shop is good, but too weak for me. Brooklyn Bridge Blend is pretty good too.
> 
> And Children of Earth and Miracle Day totally ruined Torchwood. Just so you know.


	5. Steve Rogers: Pied Piper of Bucky Barnes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You get 6k+ of Idek what I'm doing at this point. :D
> 
> I think I finally got caught up on replying to all the comments? If I missed one I'm sorry and I totally read it, but missed it when replying. <3

“Hey, asshole!”

Bucky groaned looking up at the door from the pages of his book. It was just getting good too. Raze and Slake were finally fixing to bone. But Fayle, a bitchy, super possessive succubus, was going to have to get involved so Raze could get off.

The door opened after a few seconds of quiet tampering and he rolled his eyes. Why the shit didn’t Becca just use her damn key?

“What do you want?”

“It’s Saturday.”

“Uh huh.”

“You were supposed to meet me for lunch.”

“Oh. Oops.” He sat his book down on the coffee table after marking his page and Becca rolled her eyes when she saw which book it was. He mouthed along with her as she muttered.

“Romance again?”

“It’s got demons and stuff,” he defended weakly. He had a secret love of super awesome demonic romance novels. “It’s not a bodice ripper.”

“Close enough.”

“If you’d read them you’d understand,” he pouted as he picked up his phone to see what time it was. Close to two. He was supposed to have met her an hour ago. Double oops. He’d spent the last two days reading his demon romance novels and planned on spending the rest of the day reading more of the novellas that went with the Demonica series. Base Instincts was his favorite one because it was the first one that was about two men. Slake was an assassin (of currently unknown species because while Bucky had read the book before it had been a while and he’d forgotten what kind of demon he was) and Raze was a Seminus demon that worked as a medic at Underworld General and a vampire nightclub.

“Uh huh.”

Bucky glared at her as she sat down and she grinned. “Don’t trash my books!”

“I’m not.”

“You are!” He stood then walked to the almost full bookshelf by the window and grabbed the first book in the Demonica series. _Pleasure Unbound_. He stomped back to his sister and slapped the paperback down in front of her. “Read it while I’m getting dressed and shut up.” She sighed then gave him a snappy salute and he glared at her once more for good measure as she picked up the book and then left the room.

He dressed quickly, picking a pair of blue jeans, a faded t-shirt that had been baggy on him once upon his High School days, and pair of black combat boots. He pulled his hair into a ponytail then sat on his bed for twenty minutes, picking at the loose threads on his comforter. He wanted to make sure Becca had actually read some of the book before they left the apartment. She’d see how good they were and then he could tease the shit out of her for ignoring him so much when he’d tried to get her to read them before. It was like that thing when you tried to get someone to watch a television show you knew they’d like and they resisted for years before finally giving in out of boredom and then they fell in love with it and binge watched like six of the thirteen seasons in less than a week. Yeah, he was betting Becca would do some binge reading before Monday.

After finally getting impatient to see if she’d actually read anything about Tayla and Eidolon, where there might actually be bodice ripping because he was pretty sure he remembered Eidolon ripping Tayla’s clothes off at some point, he walked into the living room to see his sister sprawled on the couch with her feet up on the coffee table and the book an inch away from her nose.

“You ready to stop trashing my paranormal romances,” he asked after sneaking up on her. She flailed with a yelp, quite similar to the yelp he’d made when he’d seen Captain Rogers standing in the door of his office, and he laughed.

“Stop fucking doing that!”

“Not my fault you’re so unobservant.”

“Wasn’t in the Army, jackass.” She stood and slipped the book in her back pocket when he leaned down to pick up his phone and he grinned to himself. He fuckin’ knew it. “Come on, it’s your turn to pay since you skipped out on me to read gay porn.”

“If I pay we’re going to the shitty diner and getting burgers and milkshakes again.”

“Don’t care.”

He nodded and pocketed his own book then followed his baby sister out of the apartment, locking the door behind them.

***

He already had his nose buried back in his book as they walked into the diner, Becca leading him along by tugging on his shirt sleeve when he started to wander. She finally sat him at a booth and he sat the book aside as a waitress came up to the table. He and Becca ordered their milkshakes, chocolate and peanut butter for him and vanilla for her because she was boring, and then ordered their usual burgers and fries without glancing at the menu. He got a cheeseburger with everything and mustard because he was boring and Becca ordered some weird thing with chipotle ranch and shredded cabbage instead of lettuce. Eww.

“How’s the vacation working out,” Becca asked after their waitress left.

“It’s not. I hate it. I’m going back Monday.”

“Buck, you haven’t had a vacation since you started working there.”

“I know.”

She stared at him for a long moment and he wondered what exactly she was looking for so he could give it to her. “You don’t look any better for having taken it though. You’re sure you’re not fighting again?”

“I’m sure, Becks. I’d tell you if I was even thinking about it. I promised you I wouldn’t do anything.”

“I know. I know you did.” She sighed and reached across the table to grip his left hand tightly. “I shouldn’t have made you promise, Buck. I was just so fucking terrified of losing you. You’re the only family I got.” He turned his hand over and grasped hers just as tightly as she’d held his.

“I don’t want to fight anymore. Not really. I like my job.”

“But you miss it,” she murmured.

“Sometimes,” he admitted quietly after a long moment. He didn’t miss it enough to go back though. Not really.

“I know you can take care of yourself, but I worry. After what happened…” she trailed off shaking her head and he nodded.

“I know, but I work in an office. How dangerous could it get?” She rolled her eyes at him and he grinned. “Seriously, it’s okay.”

He’d have to tell her about what had happened before. She’d find out one way or another, but he didn’t want her to know that he’d accidently saved the day a couple times while working at his supposedly boring as shit office job. Hell, he’d have to tell her about the Avengers coming to his office to try to talk him into joining their club too. So long as she didn’t try to kill him before he managed to tell her he’d turned them down. He’d wanted to tell her about Captain Freaking America coming to his office only to get cussed out and then running Bucky off from his coffee shop, but then he’d have to tell her why Steve Rogers had been in his office in the first place and he’d just run himself around in circles about the not telling her thing.

The waitress brought their milkshakes and Bucky thanked her with a flirty smile that had her blushing and hurrying away. Becca kicked his leg under the table and he yelped then kicked her back.

“Stop it!”

“I didn’t do anything!”

“No picking up chicks during lunch. You know the rules.”

“I’m not trying to pick her up. I’m off women right now, by the way.”

“What happened this time?”

He wasn’t bad with relationships with women, honest. He just had mild difficulties keeping one. “Nothin’. Saw some hot dude I’m pining over.”

“Yeah? You gonna ask him out?”

Bucky choked on his milkshake. Yeah, like he’d ever ask Steve Rogers out on a date. He’d probably get punched so hard he’d wind up in the late Jurassic period and be eaten by an Allosaurus. No thank you. He’d rather not be a dinosaur snack. Besides, Rogers was made out to be some paragon of virtue or some shit so he was probably super straight. And Bucky would never have a chance with him anyway. Men like Steve didn’t date men like Bucky. It was moot point to even think about it. Rogers was the team captain and Bucky was the little nerd with one friend that happened to be his little sister.

“No. I’m not asking anyone out. I have too much shit to do with work without worrying about a relationship on top of it. ‘sides, if I date someone that takes away time from my baby sister when I could be forcing her to read not trashy romance novels.”

“I’m twenty-six. I don’t need to have every minute of your attention anymore.”

“Shut up. You’ll make me feel old.” He grinned and kicked her under the table, laughing when she kicked him back.

“It ain’t quite time to move into a retirement village, Buck.”

“Eh.” He shrugged dismissively as their burgers and fries were brought over and he thanked the woman again. The next few minutes were spent in almost silence as they started to eat. He slid his book over and opened it back to his page to read while eating and knew Becca was rolling her eyes at him. He liked the book, sue him. She’d interrupted him anyway. She deserved to be ignored while he read about Raze and Slake trying to figure out how to work their way around Raze needing a female to be able to get off. Poor Raze.

He didn’t realize exactly how quiet it had gotten at their table until Becca kicked him. He kicked her back automatically and frowned when he looked up from his book and saw her blinking up at someone with stars in her eyes. Oh, no. He knew that look. He’d worn that look every time he saw someone deadly gorgeous and knew that whoever Becca was looking at, she wanted to bone. Her eyelashes fluttered again and she let out a quiet sigh. Shit. He knew that sigh. That was the wistful sigh caused by one Steven Grant Rogers. For the love of God Rogers better not have stolen his fucking diner from him too! He’d already cost him his coffee shop. That was a capital offence in Bucky’s book.

“Sergeant Barnes.”

God-fucking-damn it. It was never going to end was it? Bucky was continuously going to be embarrassed and his favorite places were going to be stolen by Captain Freaking America. He’d never be able to come to the diner again since he knew Rogers knew about it. He closed his book and flipped it so the back cover was face up hoping that Steve hadn’t seen the title of the book and decided to look it up.

“Captain Rogers.” Now there was a mouse in his fucking diner? What the hell?

“I haven’t seen you in here before.”

Bucky nodded, deciding that he didn’t need to speak as he looked up and met gorgeous blue eyes framed by impossibly long eyelashes. At least he didn’t think he’d need to until Becks kicked him again.

“Becca usually picks it up for us,” he mumbled, hopeful that his voice wouldn’t crack or squeak or squawk or sigh like a dope.

“Oh, is uh…she your girlfriend?”

Becca giggled and Bucky blinked. Why would Rogers care if he had a girlfriend? Why the hell did Rogers have that weird little look on his face? The fuck was that look anyway?

“Sister. I’m his sister. Becca.” She held her hand out and Rogers shook it carefully.

“It’s nice to meet you, Becca. Steve Rogers.”

“Oh, I know. I mean…everyone knows, but I mean…sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

Bucky was too busy looking back and forth between Steve and his sister and wondering what the hell was going on to pay attention to what they spoke about next. How the hell was Becca so chill? Why was Captain America in his diner? Why was he talking to his baby sister? Why did he have to steal this place too? Was he just randomly going to start showing up places now? Bucky had gone years without ever seeing the man in person, not even a glimpse of him at the tower, and all the sudden he’d been in two of Bucky’s three favorite places. If Rogers found out about the pizza place he ordered from Bucky would have to leave the state and find somewhere else to live. This was fucking insane. He had to leave now.

What excuse could he make? At work he was busy, but out having lunch with his sister? The polite thing to do would be to invite Rogers to join them, and if it was any of the other Avengers aside from Stark he would, but this was Steve Rogers. The man that had cost him not only the coffee shop and now the diner, but his Best Ass trophy one year. Shit was getting serious. Fuck that guy. Seriously. Fuck him. Hard. Like…a lot. Unf.

Bucky’s cell buzzed from his pocket and he hoped to God it was work for once. He pulled it from his pocket and saw a text from Tony with a picture of a sad looking Golden Retriever but not the one Clint had adopted, which what? and Bucky frowned wondering if Tony meant that Rogers was the sad puppy or if Bucky was the sad puppy. And was Stark stalking him again? Either way he could pretend it was a text from work and could make his escape. Thank God for Stark’s meddling for once. He’d have to figure out what Tony meant by it later.

“Buck?”

“Sorry, I gotta go. It’s work.” He grabbed his book and slid out of the booth, biting back a gasp when he accidentally brushed against Steve. “Sorry. I gotta…” he jerked his thumb over his shoulder while Becca stared at him like he was crazy. “I’ll pay you back later, Becks. Love you. Be good. Bye, Steve.”

He turned and fled to the relative safety of his apartment and only belatedly realized that he’d left poor Steve alone with his baby sister. She’d eat him alive. Shit.

***

Bucky was sitting on his couch playing on Tumblr and pretending to be working since he was still locked out of the system when his sister slammed into the apartment. He flipped the lid down on his laptop since that’s what he usually did when he was working at home and she came in. Everything he did was classified so she couldn’t see it. Ninety percent of what he knew could get him killed. He never wanted Becca to find out any of it. One slip and she’d be in danger.

“What the fuck?”

“I’m working.”

“No, you’re not. You never rush off like that for work. And you’re a lying asshole!”

“What did I do now?”

He jolted when his sister kicked his ankle. “Why didn’t you tell me you knew him?”

“‘Cause I don’t. Uh…he swung by my office the other day, but I was busy. I saw him once for like two seconds after that and then again today. We’ve never even spoken to each other properly. What’d he say?”

“Nothin’.”

Bucky looked at her face, searching for those little micro-expressions that gave her away when she was lying. That and the overly earnest look she always got when she was trying to project truthfulness. He narrowed his eyes at her and she cracked like she always did. She’d never been able to lie to him. Other people yeah, he’d taught her well, but she’d never be able to lie to him. He knew all her tells.

“Okay, fine. He only stayed for a little bit until they got done with his order, but it was all Bucky this and Bucky that and your service record was impeccable and yada yada yada.” The way her voice got louder and louder as she spoke should have clued him in that Steve had told on him, but he’d been oblivious because why was Steve Rogers bragging on him to begin with? and then she’d pinched his arm. “Bucky stopped some guy that’d broken in to the tower. Bucky stopped some dude in a rip off of Iron Man’s suit. Bucky stopped someone trying to steal shit off the supercomputer! You said you weren’t fighting again!”

“Ow!” He slapped her hand away and rubbed the tender skin on the back of his arm. “I’m not fightin’ again!” He pinched her back and she yelped and slapped at him.

“Then what the hell? because you so were. Apparently you rode that assclown like a fucking bull while you disabled his suit.” Maybe if he told her the only one he wanted to ride like a bull was Rogers she’d forget about being mad at him.

“The only person I wanna ride like a bull is Rogers, okay.” He bet having sex with Rogers was like a small earthquake with his bed at the epicenter.

“Well, yeah but…oh my god! He’s the dude you’re pining over!”

“I am not. God.”

“You are. Buck, I knew you had a crush on him, but shit.”

Or telling her would backfire completely and now she’d never leave him alone about it now that she thought he actually knew Rogers. So he could either sit with her and try to deny the fact that he was definitely pining over Rogers which was idiotic at best because there was no way in hell the man was interested in dudes or he could tell her the truth about what had happened. Ugh. Shitty choices all around.

“Leave it alone, Becca.”

“Tell me about the rodeo bull then. And the other two he told me about. And were those the only ones? Or are there more you didn’t tell me about?”

“Those are it.”

“And who else do you know? Have you met all of the Avengers?”

“Not Thor, but he’s gone right now.”

“What!”

“Shuddup. Grab me a beer and I’ll tell you everything.”

“Dude, you gotta introduce me to the Widow.”

“Hell no.” That would be a disaster and a half. He imagined Natasha taking his baby sister under her wing and shuddered. Not chance in hell. “I introduce you to anyone it’ll be Stark so you can keep him off my back.”

“Huh?”

“Nothin’.”

Becca walked into the kitchen and grabbed two beers from the fridge then came back and listened with varying degrees of shock and amusement as he told her everything that had happened since that fateful day he’d clotheslined the hot duchecanoe in the stairwell. Everything except for the fact that he was half worried that Rogers was stalking him.

It couldn’t be coincidence that the blonde was suddenly at the coffee shop and then the diner. Not after what’d been happening lately. He’d never seen the man in person at all until now. Years of working at the tower and now all the sudden he was inundated with weirdos and Rogers just happened to be at two of his three favorite places? Yeah, it was fucking suspicious, but Bucky didn’t exactly have enough proof. He wouldn’t be able to trail Rogers. Not without being noticed, but maybe…maybe Bucky himself could be seen all over the place and if he just happened to see Rogers out of the corner of his eye, he’d know for sure if it was a coincidence or not. Shit, he was going to have to leave his apartment more. Ugh.

Or, instead of being crazy, he could just talk to Stark and ask him if he knew why Rogers had stolen his favorite places. But that would mean Stark finding out that Bucky was interested in Steve, as if he didn’t know already, and holy fuck. That was it wasn’t it? Stark had realized he had a crush on Rogers and had told him where he could find Bucky so he could try to flirt with him to get him to join up.

Wait. That was crazier than the being seen around a lot thing wasn’t it? He’d never hear the end of it if he did ask Stark. So the leaving his apartment a lot thing was a go. And hey, maybe if he saw Rogers a lot he’d get over his flailing and running for cover thing and actually be able to act like an adult around him. He snorted to himself. Yeah right.

***

A week and a few days into his plan he’d seen Rogers all of three times.

Once in the lobby of the tower and Bucky had rushed into the elevator and hit the door close button before anyone else could get on with him. He knew Steve had noticed him and hoped that the blonde wouldn’t decide to visit him at his office again. He’d locked his door and refused to answer any of the knocks just in case.

The second was when he’d been forced to hand deliver a packet of actual papers to Romanov. Since he’d been going to see her he left long enough to sneak back to his coffee shop to grab her a weird something or other that was supposed to be coffee but had probably come out of a unicorn’s butt and had edible glitter sprinkled on top of rainbow swirled whipped cream along with a cup of his much needed Death Coffee and made sure he hadn’t been followed. He was relieved when Steve hadn’t been in the coffee shop. He’d made it there and back without spotting any tails or really hot blondes and had gone to deliver the papers, stepping out of the elevator and running into a brick wall. Make that brick shithouse, because holy hell he’d just crashed into Rogers. Thankfully his coffee and Natasha’s Unicorn Poop coffee hadn’t spilled but the paper had gone everywhere. He’d scooped them up, not bothering with correcting the order and then run away while muttering an apology.

The third time was when he’d made Becca go with him to Coney Island and had been very nearly convinced that Rogers was definitely stalking him. So maybe he was being crazy, but there was no way in hell Rogers just happened to be nostalgic for Coney Island the same day that Bucky had forced Becca to go with him to ride the Cyclone. They both hated the damn thing, always had, but Bucky had run out of ideas, it was a weekend, and he’d needed to do something. _Anything._ So, Coney Island. He and Becca had been standing in line for the rollercoaster when he’d seen a flash of navy blue walking through the crowd. He’d turned his head just far enough to get a good look to make sure those shoulders belonged to the right man and had groaned while internally grinning like a maniac while simultaneously panicking because what if he saw him and tried to talk to him again? when he was sure the guy wearing the crappy disguise, the same jacket he’d worn at the diner but topped off with a baseball cap, was actually Rogers. But he’d most likely been getting ahead of himself. Nostalgia was a thing.

So now Bucky was sat at his desk staring at his computer and playing with a small black unicorn statue that Becca had given him for Christmas one year as he contemplated what he’d been doing the past few days. He didn’t even necessarily like unicorns but she’d told him it was black like his heart with equally bloodshot eyes and even though it had the creepy red eyes he treasured it and kept it on his desk at work. He was being stupid, he knew he was, but he didn’t believe in coincidence. Not after everything he’d gone through. Which now included five accidental day savings instead of just the three.

Number four had just been a mugging he’d stopped. He’d kept a little old lady from getting her purse stolen by some teenage assholes that had seen the flash of metal that was his left arm and then ran. So it was good for that at least. The old lady had thanked him and he’d walked with her to finish her errands and had carried all of her stuff while learning her entire life story. It had been sweet and she’d given him a loaf of some kind of weird cheesy olive bread that had actually been pretty good.

Number five had been purely accidental. Like he’d accidentally blown the guy up, accidental. He’d woken up late, had to make due with just a single cup of the Brooklyn Bridge blend of his coffee because he’d run out of Cyclone and not noticed, and then rushed to work to find some asshole standing outside with what looked like an arsenal of tiny weapons that were both adorable and also confusing because what did they expect to do with all those tiny things? Defeat an army of Smurfs? They’d even had Bucky’s much coveted mini rocket launcher. He’d own one if it was the last thing he ever bought.

He’d waited a few minutes to see if he’d be able to sneak his way past them and also to see if an Avenger type person would show up. They didn’t notice him for all the chaos going on around them and he’d adjusted is backpack and then snuck his way into the building and headed across the lobby only to stop when he heard glass shattering and felt something hit his left arm with a quiet clang and then drop to the floor with a thunk. Whatever had hit him was smoldering and shooting sparks. He’d spun around and kicked it back toward the shattered door just to be on the safe side and had thrown his arm up over his face when it exploded on contact with the Tiny Weapons Douche which caused a chain reaction of explosions akin to a firework show that left the dude a smoldering pile of cloth and ouch. That had to have stung. And hopefully the guy wasn’t dead and was only like…just slightly crispy. He blinked at them a few times and almost sighed with relief when the dude groaned. Not dead then. Just extra crispy. He wondered what kind of body armor they had on that they’d only been damaged that much and not killed. They were even laying in a crater that used to be part of a sidewalk.

He’d actually stayed around to tell Stark or whoever showed up what had happened even though he was absolutely sure that it had all been caught on video. Barton had been the one to show for once and had given Bucky a high-five and then stared at the Tiny Weapons Douche in his crater until EMTs had come to pick him up.

“Ow.”

“Uh huh.”

“I bet he doesn’t try that shit again.”

“Nope.”

“You sure you don’t want a job? Or to you know, join a football team?”

Bucky had snorted and shook his head then gone to his office to start working since he was an hour late. This time he’d unplugged his office phone and popped the battery out of his cell so Stark couldn’t call him and annoy him again. He made it exactly one day before anyone came for him.

Natasha had appeared much like the first time, silently and slightly creepy, perching herself on the chair he’d left empty just in case she’d come back. She’d brought him a cup of his coffee and sipped on her own, what looked like another cup of Unicorn Poop coffee, while she picked up the last book she’d been reading. Well, he hadn’t given in to her the first time she’d shown up and he hadn’t given in that time either.

He sat the unicorn down, lining it up just right, and then looked back to his computer where a single line of text was mocking him. He’d been spending too much time driving himself crazy over his stupid self accidently saving the day again. He’d have to tell Becca before she found out some other way. Again. She’d chewed his ass up one side and down the other before unbinding him from his previous promise and making him give her a new one that would allow him to fight, but only if he didn’t have any other choice. She’d either be squeamish about him turning Regular Crispy into Extra Crispy or she’d laugh like Barton had.

He groaned and thunked his head on his desk. He didn’t want to do this. He didn’t want to be security or an avenging weirdo or anything else. Really, he didn’t. He was old and tired and jaded and didn’t need this kind of shit.

“Sergeant Barnes?” He flailed out of his chair at the voice and groaned again. Of course. Of course Rogers would show up now. “Are you okay?” Steve’s voice sounded beyond amused and Bucky started to crawl under his desk again. He didn’t need Steve showing up. He could barely focus as it was. He thunked his head against the filing cabinets that were built into his desk. He didn’t need this shit today, but at least he hadn’t cussed out Captain America again. Something that he had definitely not told his baby sister about. “Barnes?”

He crawled out from under his desk, yelping when strong hands lifted him up as if he weighed no more than a bag of flour. He bit back a whimper at the heat of those hands through his thin button up. Holy shit. He was going to die. Steve ‘I know you want to have my babies’ Rogers was in his office. Again. Bucky would definitely have Steve Rogers’ babies if he asked him to. He’d find a way to do it. The shit science could do these days? He was sure someone could help him figure it out. Until that happened he was willing to sacrifice the time and effort it took to try for their babies.

“You okay?”

Bucky nodded, not trusting his voice as he looked up and into the most gorgeous pair of blue eyes he’d ever seen framed by unfairly long and thick eyelashes. Seriously, what was up with his eyelashes? No one needed eyelashes like that. He bet they fucking brushed his cheeks when he blinked. Cheeks that were dusted with freckles. Steve had that perfect little line of freckles across the bridge of his nose and cheeks. Freaking adorable. They made him look boyish in a way. A little more human. So did the nose that had been broken a few times.

“I’m sorry if I startled you.”

“It’s okay.” He shrugged, hoping the way his voice cracked when he spoke was only in his head, and fell back into his chair when Captain Rogers finally let go of him. He must have realized he was still holding onto him. “Um…can I help you with something?” The mouse had yet to return. Yay, he was being an adult. Sort of. Maybe. He’d see how long it lasted.

“Just thought I’d come down and introduce myself. Properly I mean, instead of just randomly running into you.”

“Oh.”

“Tony keeps telling us all what you did.”

“But I didn’t do anything.”

“You took down four different people by yourself.”

Five if you counted saving the little old lady. And the blowing up of the one guy had been an accident. “Not at the same time.” He hadn’t done anything special. Hadn’t meant to be the one to handle it anyway. Any of it. The first was just because he happened to be in the stairwell. The second was because people could have gotten hurt. The third was because he was pissed the fuck off that he’d lost six hours of work.

“No, but the guy in the knockoff of Tony’s suit? That could have ended badly. Any of it could have, but you took care of it.”

“I didn’t mean to.”

Rogers smiled with a shrug. “Doesn’t matter. You were very brave, Sergeant. Saved a lot of people.”

The fuck was he getting at? That saved a lot of people line was a crock of shit; Bucky had saved like five people tops but he kind of wanted to believe it anyway because the dude he’d wanted to tackle and kiss since he’d seen him on the news a few years ago had told him so. Captain America wasn’t allowed to lie right? That was a thing, wasn’t it? He had to be all noble and earnest and never tell a lie. Like that one president from back the day. Was it Washington or Lincoln? He could never get it straight in his head.

“I don’t know that I saved a lot of people, but thank you, I guess.”

“You’re welcome, I guess.” Rogers smirked as he said it and Bucky was grateful that he was sitting down. He might have possibly swooned had he been standing. God that little smirk on those biteable lips was devastating. It was kind of annoying too. Bucky wanted to punch it off his face. Or kiss it off. Either way, so long as it disappeared he’d be fine.

“So, Stark sent you to try to talk me into joining his boyband?” See? He could adult if he had to.

“God no. We’re all terrible singers. We tried it once. Tony insisted. He said something about everyone using Auto-Tune now anyway, but I didn’t think that would be fair.”

Bucky laughed shaking his head. He couldn’t imagine there’d be anything the blonde would be bad at.

“But really, I think you’d be a good asset to the team. I read your service record. You’re extremely overqualified for what you’re doing. Before I read it I told Stark, we all did really, to leave you alone. If you wanted to work security you would have applied for it. I read it after you took out the guy in the suit, and then again after you brained the guy with the laptop. I really think you’d be good for us.”

He hadn’t even remembered about his service records after Becca told him Rogers had read them. They’d gotten distracted by the rest of their conversation. And how the shit did Captain Freaking America get his service record? Hell, he probably only had to ask for the damn thing. And now he wanted Bucky to join their little group of weirdos. He really didn’t want to. No one understood just how much he didn’t want to. He was tired and jaded. The world had lost its fucking sparkle, okay? Except for Romanov’s Unicorn Poop coffee thing.

“Will you join up?” He looked so fucking earnest, like he really wanted Bucky there. His smile may or may not have brought a little bit of that sparkle back. Fuck, he was so fine. Bucky really wasn’t sure if he’d be able to work with him without doing or saying something stupid. Not that he wanted to work with him. Them. He didn’t. He was old and tired and cynical. He didn’t have room for sparkles in his tired soul. He was sparkled out. Those stupid blue eyes were lit up and Bucky just barely kept from sighing wistfully. Rogers reached out and glided one long finger over the mane of the tiny black unicorn statue with another smile, this one a little crooked and too adorable to be fair. Bucky kind of wished that finger was trailing over his skin instead of his unicorn. That was it, he’d finally lost it. He was jealous of his unicorn statue.  “You really would be great.”

“Okay.” The fuck? Was that his voice that sounded so breathy? What the hell was that? That couldn’t possibly be his fucking voice. What the shit! And holy fuck he’d just said okay. What the hell?

“Great!” This new smile was blinding and Bucky blinked as Rogers grabbed his hand and pulled him up from his chair. “Come on. We should go tell everyone.” With that Bucky was dragged out of his office and through the tower.

On one hand Bucky was low-key freaking out because Captain America was holding his hand, God he felt like a third grader with a crush. On the other hand what the ever-loving-shit had he just done? Did he actually just fucking volunteer to join their weirdo superhero club? Oh, God. Rogers was like the freaking Pied Piper of Bucky. Bucky was a freaking rat following the super hot creepy piper guy that led all the rats to the river to drown, which was whatever because Bucky was pretty sure rats could swim. Rogers had a magic flute and was leading him to the river, no, _ocean_ of all fucked up situations. Ha, magic flute. No band camp jokes please. He was perfectly capable of making those all on his own.

They took an elevator that Bucky hadn’t even known was in the building and it opened into a large room that was bigger than Bucky’s entire apartment. A giant TV covered one wall and an orgy sized sofa sat in the middle of the room. Barton, Romanov, Dr. Banner, Wilson, and Stark were all sitting on it pretending to be engrossed in different things. Bucky hadn’t been born yesterday, okay? He knew a lack of subtlety when he saw it.

“You finally said yes,” Tony grinned maniacally as he looked up from a tablet in his hands and Bucky glared at the grinning moron.

“It was an accident.”

“How did you accidently say yes?”

Bucky’s eyes flicked toward Steve before he could stop himself and Tony giggled evilly while rubbing his hands together. He reminded Bucky of those old school movie villains. The ones from the old black and white movies that were so melodramatic it made you wonder how anyone had ever been so naïve as to be scared of them.

“I see.”

“There’s nothing to see. I take it back.” He turned to leave before Stark told everyone in the room that he was crushing on Steve ‘Perfect Ass’ Rogers and that was why he’d stupidly sighed like some delicate flowery girl in a chiffon dress from a teenage romance film and agreed to join them without meaning to. “I’m going back to my tiny, comfy, formerly drama free office where I can be the crotchety old fart of my dreams. Stay out of my office and keep off my lawn.”

Stark laughed hysterically and Bucky bit back a grin as he made his way back to the elevator.

“You’re not going to stay, Sergeant?”

Fuck. Why the fuck did Rogers’ voice have to sound like caramel in his ears? Ew. Gross. You’d never be able to get caramel out of your ears. Why did people even say that anyway? _His voice was smooth like caramel._ Pfft. But fuck, the man had a great voice. He had a great everything. It wasn’t fair.

“I thought you decided to join up.”

“Oh. Um…” A large hand came down on his shoulder and his knees nearly buckled. Rogers came around in front of him, dragging that hand along his shoulder blade and across his back to rest on his other shoulder, his thumb brushing against Bucky’s collarbone. God, he really hoped that whimper was just in his head.

“You should stay.”

“Okay.” Holy crap! That breathy voice that definitely was not his was back. He was turning into a delicate Southern Belle. Was he getting the vapors? Was that what was wrong with him? He needed a fainting couch and glass of sweet tea with whiskey in it stat!

Steve smiled with those stupid perfect lips and stupid pearly white perfect teeth and then led Bucky to what he was pretty sure was his doom. Becca was going to kill him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone wanna beta for me? I can pay you in Oreos? 
> 
> Also I have a tumblr under the same username as on here if anyone is interested. I don't do a whole lot with it except fast reblog some Sebastian Stan stuff once in a while, but it's there.


	6. What Did I Do To Deserve This?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky whoops some ass and then has a not in any way dramatic miniscule nervous breakdown. (He's not a drama queen. Really.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A super special thank you to maybemadmarie for the beta! You're awesome! :D And can be found [here](http://www.evanseb.tumblr.com) on tumblr.
> 
> *Any remaining errors are my own and most likely on purpose. <3

Bucky looked up from his lunch of a jar of Nutella at a knock on his office door and sighed jabbing the spoon into it when he saw Sam standing in the doorway. They’d probably sent him to drag Bucky to one of their training sessions. So far he’d manage to avoid them. Mostly because he was sure Sam and Natasha distracted Steve with other shit before he could manage to hunt Bucky down on his own. Somehow the entire team had gotten his cell phone number (Stark) and now sent him messages regarding training schedules, but also to invite him to team dinners or lunches. Whatever they wound up having whenever all of them were in the same room together. Bucky didn’t go. So far as he was concerned he wasn’t a part of the team. He was an alternate if anything. A last resort. Someone they’d only call out of desperation.

Besides, if they found out what he could really do they’d for sure never leave him alone and he liked pretending that they didn’t know he existed. Of course he’d liked it even better when they really didn’t know he existed. Now they all knew because he’d been in the right place at the right time or wrong place at the wrong time he was sure, and he’d gotten on their radar and what the hell had he done? He should have just let everyone else handle it, the people whose actual jobs it was to take care of that kind of thing, but he’d been there and he had been done with people’s shit and it had been an accident. Mostly. And he could say no. He’d said no to everyone that had come to him and asked. Except Rogers.

He’d said yes to Rogers because he’d asked so nicely and maybe had flirted with Bucky’s unicorn a little bit and made him turn into a drama queen but that didn’t mean he’d actually meant to join their ragtag group of Day Savers™. He most definitely was not one of the group. Hell, half the time he wondered whether he’d be a villain or not if he had the money to actually pull something off. The way the world was? Villainy sounded good some days. He was tired and cynical and mostly didn’t care sometimes so yeah, villainy had its merits for him. Most the time. He also knew he’d never be the bad guy. He might not always be the good guy, not like Rogers, but he definitely wasn’t the bad guy.

Besides, being the bad guy was too much work. All that plotting and planning and then accidently getting blown up by one of your own flying projectiles that had been kicked back at you by the dude you’d aimed it at. Fuck that shit. Bucky would rather do a well-aimed kick, a perfectly timed clothesline, or glare super scarily and flash his arm at some punks trying to steal an old lady’s purse than do that much planning. Planning was too much paperwork and he did plenty paperwork at his actual job. No way was he going to add to it by turning into a douche canoe. If only the Avengers knew that the only thing standing between Bucky and villainy was paperwork.

“Hey, Barnes.”

“Wilson. You here to force me to join you for lunch all Beauty and the Beast style? If I don’t eat with you I don’t eat at all?” Wilson rolled his eyes with a snort.

“No. We have training. Steve said you need to train with us today. Something about integrating you.”

“I don’t need to train.” There was no possible way he could train with Rogers, okay? The first time he’d get pinned by the blonde would cause an instant boner and he’d be kicked off the team.

“When was the last time you actually meant to save someone or kick someone’s ass? When was the last time you were on a team?”

“I have the feeling that Stark and Rogers are not the only ones that have seen my service records so I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you already know the answer to your possibly rhetorical question.” He shoved a spoon of Nutella in his mouth as punctuation and Wilson sighed.

“How the hell do you eat nothing but crap and still look like you do?”

“How do I look?” he asked through his mouthful of Nutella with an exaggerated eyebrow waggle. Wilson snorted.

“Aside from the crazed maniac thing right now, you’re just as cut as Steve and so far as we all know you weren’t given a serum to keep you this way.”

“If I had a serum I’d be even more badass. ‘sides, I go to the gym like twice a week.” Sometimes. Most weeks. Some weeks. A few weeks out of the year. Who was counting?

“Twice a week doesn’t account for this, dude.”

“Good genetics.”

“Uh huh.”

“Anyways, tell Captain Rogers I’m busy and can’t train with you today.”

“Dude, if I go back without you he’s just going to come after you himself and I don’t think you want to be left alone with him again.” Sam smirked knowingly and Bucky glared.

“He told you I flailed under my desk, didn’t he?”

“Yep. And ran away at the coffee shop and the diner. That and the little hearts in your eyes whenever you hear his name. You get all twitterpated.”

“I’m not twitterpated, Friend Owl.” He was so twitterpated.

“Pain in the pinfeathers, I call it!” Wilson scowled dramatically and Bucky laughed.

“We don’t speak of Bambi.” They both lowered their heads for a moment of silence because Bambi was fucking sad yo, and then Bucky stood and carried his Nutella with him as he walked over to Sam. “I’ll go but I’m not joining in. I’ll stand on the sidelines and eat my lunch and watch.” And he would definitely not be wondering what Rogers would look like spread out on a bed, naked except for some strategically placed smears of Nutella. Really he wouldn’t. He’d be watching to see how they worked as a team. Their strengths and weaknesses. He already knew his own weaknesses. Rogers was one of them. He’d have to work through it eventually, but today wasn’t the day to do it. Soon though. Maybe. One day.

He could always take it back though. Change his mind and tell them he couldn’t do it. That he couldn’t fight with them. He’d yet to tell Becca, so if he told them no she’d never have to find out that he’d volunteered because Rogers had batted his eyes at him and flirted with his unicorn statue. He’d asked looking all doe-eyed and sweet and ugh and Bucky had fallen for it like a dumbass. He was screwed.

“You seriously plan on eating an entire jar of Nutella for lunch?”

“Yep. No one can stop me.”

“That’s not even the little jar.”

“It’s not the big jar either. Did you know they sell six pound tubs of Nutella on Amazon?”

“Why the hell would anyone ever need that much Nutella?”

“I imagine it’s for food service, but I could definitely come up with some better uses for it.” Those strategically placed smears of Nutella were sounding better and better.

“Man, you’re nasty.” Wilson scowled wrinkling his nose in disgust and Bucky laughed.

“You thought it too.”

“Now all I can see is you smearing Nutella all over poor Steve.”

Bucky sighed wistfully. Me too, pal. Me too. “Let’s get this shit show over with. I gotta finish combing through that file today.”

***

Bucky followed Wilson to the training room and barely managed to hide a frown. The floor was covered with thick mats which was cheating because let’s face it, if you were going to get the shit beat out of you on a regular basis it wasn’t going to involve cushy pads on the ground. Those would have to go. The walls were padded halfway up too. Ugh! No. They’d all been avenging longer than Bucky had been working at the tower, but even still they didn’t need to fall on a fucking cushion. He stepped on the edge of the mats and scowled. It felt as fluffy and squishy as a down pillow but stiff enough you wouldn’t sink into it. Still, it wasn’t right.

The room was mostly empty aside from a few randomly placed pillars that he figured were more for obstacles or hiding behind than to support the ceiling. Girders were exposed in the ceiling and he figured those were for Barton to hide on or nest and feed his rescue baby birds. Whatever it was he did in his spare time.

All in all he wasn’t exactly impressed. They had room to move around yeah, but they couldn’t do anything intense with this much open space and like two obstacles. Looks could be deceiving though. Stark could have something up his red and gold sleeve. Or Bucky was going to have to chew some ass. He shook his head then sat on a bench that was near one of the walls and took a bite of his Nutella.

“You gonna train today?”

He shrugged his shoulders watching Sam as he strode further into the room, bouncing a little on the mat.

“You should.”

“Yeah. We’ll see.” He was pretty sure this was, if not the worst idea he’d ever had, then pretty fucking close to it.

He heard a commotion from the doorway and turned to see Natasha, Stark, and Barton pushing and shoving each other and laughing as they fought to get through the door first. He only blinked at them. How old were they? Twelve? He rolled his eyes at Wilson and he grinned.

“His first day and y’all are acting like a bunch of fourth graders.”

“Whose first day?”

Bucky rolled his eyes again at Barton’s question. He felt like a lump sitting there and holding his Nutella, but those fuckers had interrupted his lunch with their ridiculous plans for world domination. Yeah. Okay. It was training which was an integral part of what they did but even so, Bucky still wasn’t a hundred percent sure he even wanted to be there, much less under their combined gazes which made him feel like a bug pinned to a board.

“My son!” Stark clanged his way over and Bucky grimaced and held his Nutella out to the side to keep it from getting knocked from his hand when Stark gave him a hug.

“Don’t be fuckin’ weird.”

“I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about your arm.” Stark petted the metal and Bucky shrugged him off.

“Fucking weirdo. Get offa me.” He nudged him away with a well-placed knee and Stark winced even though he definitely hadn’t felt it the way he would have had he not been wearing his suit.

“You know, most people would get fired for kneeing their boss in the nuts.”

“You’re still not my boss, Stark.”

“No, but he is.” Tony pointed toward the door and Bucky tensed and tried to pretend that his body wasn’t trying to hyperventilate when he saw Steve walk into the room decked out in the sexy as hell stealth uniform with the shield strapped to his back. Holy hell it was so much sexier in person. Bucky may or may not have whimpered. “Fraternization is against company rules,” Stark whispered.

“Shut up,” Bucky hissed, kicking his leg with a wince and a crunch of his toes. He’d forgotten he wasn’t wearing his boots for once and Converse were not ass kicking shoes.

Steve looked over at the sound of the clang and Bucky’s yelp and his eyes brightened and lips parted in a blinding smile. “You came.”

“Not yet,” Stark murmured.

Bucky kicked him again and managed to give Steve a weak smile and pitiful excuse for a wave that only succeeded in waggling his Nutella covered spoon at the blonde. _Kill me now,_ Bucky thought. How much of a fucking dork did he look like right now? Shit. Be cool, Barnes. You can do it. Draw on that old Army training, buddy. Don’t flail. Don’t drool into your Nutella. Be normal. No! Don’t be normal. Pretend you don’t have a raging crush on the super soldier. Pretend he’s just dorky cute like Sam. Pretend that you’re a normal person for once and don’t squeak or sigh or faint. There would be no mice or Southern Belles, damn it.

“Uh…yeah. Sam said I hadta.”

“No! No, I said you should and that Steve said you needed to.”

Stark snorted, shaking his head and walked over to where Natasha and Barton had joined Sam. They all four gave Bucky devious grins and exaggerated eyebrow waggles and he flipped them off while pretending to scratch his nose. He knew Stark had already blabbed about him being a mess over Steve and now he was going to have to suffer through innumerable eyebrow waggles and jokes and God knew what else. But just as long as they didn’t blab to Steve he’d be okay. Maybe. Hopefully.

“You really should train. We might have a tough call and need you with us. We don’t need any accidents because we don’t know what to expect from each other.” Steve smiled as he said it, but Bucky knew a reprimand when he heard one.

He knew Steve was right, but still. He wasn’t quite ready to do this. If he fucked up then it could be bad. He needed time to get himself straightened out so he didn’t fuck shit up or do too much and make them all suspicious. He knew they already were a little bit from his accidental day savings before, but if he did too much too fast then they really would be, and they’d be wondering what exactly was going on with him and he honestly didn’t know or care to find out.

They’d dig deeper and when they couldn't find the answers they wanted they'd have to come to him and he didn’t have any to give them. His promise to Rebecca was only part of why he didn’t want to do this after all, and even she didn’t know the whole story of why he’d done what he did. He had the choice not to do any of this, and he’d chosen not to for so long now that he kept making the choice when he knew he should probably help if he could. He just wasn’t certain helping should be in the form of joining their boy scout troupe. He helped by parsing through intel and so far that had been enough. Why should that change?

“Sergeant?”

“Bucky. I’m retired. I’m not a sergeant anymore. Can I uh…just kind of hang out and watch a little bit? Finish my lunch?”

“You’re eating a jar of Nutella for lunch?” Steve asked with a raised brow. Bucky nodded.

“What’s wrong with it?”

“Nothing. Nothing wrong. Just…shouldn’t you eat something better for you?”

“That’s a losing argument, Cap. Come on. Let him watch. I’m sure he wants to see you…us…in action.” Bucky glared at Stark and the maniac grinned then flipped the faceplate of his helmet down.

Steve nodded after a moment and Bucky tuned out whatever he said next as he tried and mostly failed to pretend he wasn’t staring at the man’s ass as he turned to the rest of the team. Good lord. He wanted to give a medal to whoever designed the suit and its curvy seam right across Steve’s ass that made it look even more perfect that it already was.

He took a bite of his Nutella to give his mouth something to do besides hang open or whimper when Steve shouted out something and they all began to move. Apparently he’d been slightly wrong about the training room not being enough because they sure as hell managed to pummel each other enough anyway. A screen appeared near one window with a scoreboard that counted all their hits and misses. Natasha kept flinging herself at people, taking them down and pretending to electrocute them with a variety of fun looking toys. Sam went all kamikaze and dive bombed them while shooting at them with what looked like heavily modified Nerf guns. Tony mostly flew around chasing Sam and blasting everyone else with tiny bursts of blue. Barton immediately headed to one of the pillars and climbed up it losing himself in the girders and shooting what looked like way advance suction cup arrows at everyone. And Steve? Steve ‘fuck me sideways’ Rogers was a work of fucking art.

All of them were graceful even while looking like they were in a street fight, but Steve had some sort of ethereal grace that made him look like a gymnast ballerina had a baby with an MMA fighter. It took getting lightheaded to realize he wasn’t breathing while watching Steve. He shoved another spoon of Nutella in his mouth to keep himself from drooling and forced himself to breathe through his nose. Take deep breaths, Barnes. You can do it. You’ll be okay.

How the hell did a big guy like Steve do as many flips and jumps and shit as he did? Weren’t gymnasts little stocky guys? Steve doing gymnastics like that got Bucky to thinking about that crappy Bronze movie with the gymnast douche that Becca said looked like him but totally didn’t. And that got Bucky to thinking about that ridiculous sex scene with all its flips and twirls and lifts and shit. Which got Bucky giggling to himself and imagining him and Steve having sex like that and how fucking crazy would that shit look? Yeah, no.

He giggled again shaking his head and was halfway through his lunch when a renegade shield smacked the spoon out of his hand and then bounced off the walls a couple times and flew back to Steve which didn’t make physics sense at fucking all because he was so not even in the right spot for those angles to work.

Bucky’d already watched them fight enough to have their styles and patterns down. He didn’t even need to be here and had only planned to finish his lunch then go back to his office. Shit had just gotten personal. Again. For like the hundredth time since he’d accidentally gotten involved with all these assholes. His office, his coffee, his diner, his pizza place (probably), and now his Nutella. You didn’t touch a man’s chocolate okay? You especially didn’t knock a fucking spoon of it from his hand with a fancy fucking Frisbee.

“I’m so sorry.” The saccharine voice from across the room grated his nerves. Mostly, he was pretty sure, because Steve was being an asshole on purpose. Probably because Bucky hadn’t really been paying attention to them after the first few minutes, but still.

“Yeah, huh.” He sighed and sat his Nutella down on the bench next to where he’d been sitting and leaning against the wall and then stepped further toward the mat covered floor where his spoon now lay while shaking his limbs loose. He was definitely in the wrong clothes for this; tight jeans that gave him very little wiggle room and a short sleeved button up, but fuck it. He could take them. On second thought. He unbuttoned his shirt and shrugged it off then tossed it toward the bench. There, now it wouldn’t tear the first time he flexed. And he was pretty fit if he did say so himself, so maybe someone would get distracted. Though probably not since they were used to working and living around Captain Freaking America. No one was going to ogle Bucky with all those Beefcake Machine-d muscles in the room. He walked onto the mat, bouncing on his Converse-clad feet. “Let’s go.”

He figured Stark would use the suit to analyze his fight pattern so he only did the bare minimum. He didn’t want any of them to know what he could do right away. Seeing it was infinitely different from reading about it. Sam dove at him first only to wind up getting flung into the wall minus one wing. Barton shot at him with what turned out to be one of his little Taser arrows instead of the suction cup ones and fell out of the rafters with a twitch when Bucky caught it and flung it back at him. Natasha tried the Death By Thighs™ thing around his neck only to wind up slammed down on her back on the mat and maybe feeling a little bit woozy from getting her head smacked onto the floor.

Stark was next and Bucky scooped up his Nutella covered spoon from the floor and then flung himself at Stark’s stupid suit and jabbed the spoon into the neck of it, sending sparks flying while he was reminded of just how much he hated flailing around like a drunk at a western bar as he jerked wires out of the suit. Stark really should fix that to where it’s not so easy to do. Though Bucky figured he didn’t exactly think that someone would just fling themselves at him like that or get a chance to try it. He jumped away, taking his spoon with him, as Stark fell out of his suit and the suit collapsed.

He turned in time to catch the shield that Steve threw at him, sending a shock of not pain, but something deeply uncomfortable, reverberating up his left arm. He couldn’t bite back the silly grin at his inner fanboy low-key freaking out about it holding the shield and threw the shield back at him as hard as he could. Rogers caught it right before it hit him in the gut and got slammed into the wall for his efforts when it caused him to skid backward across the mat. Bucky grinned at the shocked look on Steve’s face and then flipped his spoon into his left hand from his right and threw it just to the left of the blonde’s face where it embedded in the wall.

“Holy shit.”

Bucky turned to see everyone else aside from Steve just now peeling themselves off the floor and wondered how long it had taken him. Surely it had been longer than the few seconds it had felt like.

“The fuck do you do at the gym?” Sam asked with a groan as he shrugged off his wing. Natasha was blinking a little too rapidly for his comfort and he walked over to her, ignoring Sam’s question because there wasn’t a good answer for it.

“You okay?” He cupped her face in his hands, tilting her chin up to get the light to hit her eyes. She winced, but both pupils were the same size, so there was that. “Dizzy?”

“Little bit.”

“Didn’t mean to knock you around that hard.”

“It’s okay. Think I deserved it for underestimating you. It won’t happen again.”

“You gotta teach me the Death By Thighs thing though.” She laughed as he dropped his hands then patted him on the shoulder.

“Sure. You can try it on Rogers.” He glared at her and she blinked innocently and then shuffled away with Barton.

“Seriously! What the hell do you do at the gym?” Sam asked.

“Dunno. A little cardio and some weight training.”

“Bullshit.”

“You’re enhanced,” Rogers stated. Bucky shook his head and turned toward Steve and Tony.

“Nope.” He wasn’t. All his blood work came back normal.

“Bullshit.” Stark spoke this time and Bucky sighed.

“I’m not. I can get drunk and everything.”

“Even with your arm taken into account and your training you shouldn’t have been able to do any of this. Not that easily. Not that quickly. I need your blood.”

“Nope.” He could see the manic glint in Stark’s eyes that meant random phone calls and trips to the lab and whatever else the manic mechanic drudged up.

“Is this why you didn’t want to join up? Because you knew you could win?” Steve was rubbing what was probably a bruise on his stomach as he spoke. Bucky kinda felt bad for it.

“One reason I didn’t want to join up was because I made my sister a promise after I got blown up.” He waved his right hand toward his left side where faded burn scars littered his chest and stomach and covered up some of the other wounds he’d gotten from the assholes that had captured him. “Any other reasons are my own.”

“Man, you’re cranky. Cranky McCrankerton.”

Bucky laughed at Stark pulling his shirt back on and buttoning it up slowly. “I want my tiny rocket launcher, Stark. You promised.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

“How long did it take exactly?” He didn’t really want to know but he figured he needed to. So he’d know to slow his ass down next time. Let them all have a shot even though he knew Rogers was the only one of them with any real chance of kicking his ass.

“Not long enough.”

“How long?”

“Twenty seconds give or take,” Sam murmured, rubbing his shoulder.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Shit.” He turned and fled to the relative safety of his office. Oh, shit! Oh, fuck! He’d fucked up. “So bad. Shit. Fuck.”

He was so busy wrapped up in his internal panic that he didn’t realize he’d forgotten his Nutella until halfway back to his office. But you know what? Fuck Nutella. Shit was bad for him anyway. And holy shit he had never thought he’d say that. He didn’t fuck around with his hazelnutty chocolaty goodness. Except in exigent circumstances apparently.

He closed and locked the door as soon as he got to his office and rushed to his desk. He was going to shut down his computer, grab his laptop, run to the coffee shop for a cup of Death Coffee and then go home and drown his sorrows in Irish coffee since he still had some Bailey’s and stress eat a bag of the coffee flavored M&Ms. So long as his sister hadn’t broken in and stolen them again. If she had, he was going to break down and cry in the middle of his kitchen. He might do it anyway.

He’d been showing off a little bit yeah, knew he shouldn’t have been, but he’d done it anyway and now his calm comfy office drone life was over. For real this time. Stark was probably already digging up everything he could about his life so far. Trying to figure out why he was the way he was now. All Bucky knew was that he hadn’t been like this before his hospital stay after getting blown up. He hadn’t questioned it, not really, because he was scared to find out why he was stronger and could move faster than before, why his scarring wasn't as bad as it could have been.  And he’d been good about controlling it. Not hitting too hard or running too fast. He’d had years of practice at being normal. Now it was all for nothing. But at least he could get drunk. Which he was gonna do. As soon as he managed to drag himself to his apartment.

***

It turned out he didn’t have enough Bailey’s left to get drunk on, so he had sent his baby sister a crying emoji laden text message begging her to come over for dinner and bring more booze. She’d called him immediately to see if he was joking or not and hadn’t teased him for once when she realized how upset he was. He’d promised to tell her everything if she brought liquor and even though they both had to work the next day, or she did at least because he was fairly certain he wouldn’t have a job there anymore, she’d promised to bring him pizza, a bottle of the strongest cheapest vodka she could get her hands on, and a couple pints of Ben and Jerry’s.

Less than thirty minutes later he heard a scratching at his door that sounded like Becca was actually using her key for once and then the door swung open. She had a pizza box with a paper bag sitting on top of it tucked under one arm, and a plastic bag from the bodega on the corner that most likely held the little pints of ice cream in her other hand while pulling her key from the knob. He looked closer and whimpered when he saw the Captain America limited edition label on one of the pints.  Well, supposed limited edition. They’d carried it for a couple years now. It was vanilla with strawberry swirls, weird blueberry flavored shaped helmet thingies, and tiny red white and blue chocolate shields. How much of Captain America was he going to have to deal with today!

“What’s wrong, Buck?” His baby sister rushed over to where he was draped pitifully over his couch and sat their booze and food on the coffee table, and then lifted his legs and sat down, letting them fall back on her lap. She hugged his legs to her tightly and he sighed.

How the hell was he going to tell her how terribly he’d fucked up? She was going to kill him so dead. So very dead. If she did it where they couldn’t prove she’d murdered him she’d get a huge payout from his life insurance policy. Maybe he should let her know in advance? That way she had time to watch a few more episodes of CSI and Forensic Files so she’d know what not to do. So long as she didn’t write anything down or watch the TV shows on her laptop or phone they wouldn’t be able to prove it was premeditated. Probably no one would miss him after she did away with him anyways. And no, he was not being overdramatic.

“Jammies, what happened?” Her fall back on the nickname she’d called him from the ages of two to ten made him whimper and she patted his knee.

“You know that thing we don’t talk about?”

“The thing where I pretend to help you move all of your furniture when you change apartments,” she asked quietly. He always carried his heavy furniture on his own because he could, or at least he took like ninety-nine percent of the weight and made it look like she was helping him carry it. He knew she didn’t know it all. Hell, he didn’t even know it all, but she knew enough.

“Yeah.”

“What about it?”

“People found out,” he murmured and dropped one of his throw pillows over his face.

“Fuck. Who? Was it the Avengers?”

“Kinda. It was an accident.”

“How?”

“Well…they’ve kinda been asking me to join up since the incidents.”

“Holy shit, Buck!” He lifted the pillow off of his face to see her shocked expression and nodded.

“I know. I said no. A lot. I don’t want to. Not really, but maybe I should? And then Steve wanted me to train with them because I’ve been skipping out on it and then I did. Or I went to watch really. And…”

“Wait! You said yes? What the hell were you thinking?” Welp, there was the death glare that preceded his murder.

“CSI. Forensic Files.”

“What?”

“Watch them before you off me. Don’t get caught.” He dropped the pillow back on his face and she pulled it back off and tossed it across the living room.

“I ain’t gonna kill you, but you’re gonna wish I did, James Buchanan!”

“Make it quick.”

“Ugh! Just tell me what happened.” She pinched his leg and he yelped then sighed.

“I wasn’t thinking. I mean, I was. But…I mean, Steve asked. And he flirted with my unicorn a little and it is physically impossible for me to say no to that man. I fucking tried. Or maybe I didn’t. I don’t know. He just looked so fucking earnest and I couldn’t…this voice, that was totally not mine by the way, did this weird wispy sighing thing and said yes and I don’t know how it fucking happened or where it came from and then he took my hand and dragged me to everyone else and I tried to say no then too, but then he did this touchy feely thing and argh!” He shoved both hands in his hair and pulled it completely un-dramatically; he was combing out tangles okay? He was not a drama queen.

“And then I dodged team lunches and dinners and training so then Sam came and said I needed to go and if he left without me, then Steve would come get me and I can’t be left alone with him because that Southern Belle comes out of my mouth and says things that are completely different from what I really want to say so...yeah. And I was just gonna watch and eat my lunch but then Captain Asshat knocked my spoon out of my hand with his freaking shield and I kind of showed off a little and took them all down and then that’s when they realized I’m not normal because I did it so quickly, but I didn’t mean to. And then I tried to play it off like I was normal, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t believe me, so I ran away. What did I do to deserve this?” He’d been a little promiscuous in his youth, but he hadn’t ever hurt anyone with it. Other than that he wasn’t sure why all this was happening. Maybe it was because he hadn’t been overly religious since their parents had died? He’d been good for the most part. As good as someone with his past could be, so what the hell?

“Jesus. What are you going to do?”

“Hide? I don’t know. Right now I’m going to get very drunk. And then at some point tomorrow I’m going to finish my work from today and after that I don’t know.”

“I hate to say it, but I don’t think running away is an option. I’d love for you to be able to run.” She sighed heavily and picked at a loose thread on the hem of his jeans leg. “I don’t think you’ll be able to run from this, Bucky.”

“They’re going to ask questions that I can’t answer, Rebecca.”

“I know.” They sat in silence for a few minutes before she shoved his legs off of her lap and grabbed the ice cream to put it in the freezer. “For now let’s just…pretend the world doesn’t exist, okay?” He nodded with a sad smile and watched her walk to the kitchen. She came back with a roll of paper towels and two cups of ice and he sat up and pulled the bottle of vodka out of the bag.

“Spirytus Delikatesowy? Really?”

“You sounded like you needed something strong.”

“Not strong enough to kill me!”

“That’s what the rest of the Bailey’s is for. We’re having half-assed White Russians. One, anyway.”

“Yeah, okay. What the hell? Not like I don’t want to get wasted anyway.”

He mixed their drinks as she opened the pizza box and they spent the rest of the day eating their pizza, drinking their Death Vodka, and crying into pints of patriotically flavored Ben and Jerry’s. Patriotically flavored because for some reason it didn’t feel right to giggle over Captain America flavored ice cream anymore. He was NOT being a drama queen. Again. For the first time in his life. Because he was most definitely not dramatic in any way, shape, or form. So there.

***

When Bucky woke the next morning he was hanging off the couch with his head on the coffee table, ass on the floor, and legs up on the sofa with his feet in the air. He groaned rolling over to fall the rest of the way to the floor and winced at the crick in his neck. How the fuck had he managed to get into that position to begin with? Did he pass the fuck out while sitting on the edge of the coffee table? Or…yeah. He’d been sitting on the coffee table with his legs and feet on the couch, whining at Becca because his simple life was over now, he’d picked up the bottle of vodka and took a sip, and then apparently passed right the fuck out. Go me, he thought miserably as he rolled over onto his stomach and began Army crawling across the floor to get to the bathroom. He wasn’t sure he should try to walk just yet. His head was still fucking swimming, but he needed to fuckin’ pee. And brush his teeth. And take a shower. And get some coffee. And then probably pass back out.

He heard quiet laughter and raised his head enough to see his sister standing in the doorway of his kitchen holding a black coffee mug with a metallic Captain America shield on it and looking more put together than she ought to after drinking as much as they had. Though he guessed they didn’t really drink as much as it felt like they did because of the almost lethal amounts of alcohol in the vodka. He raised a hand and flipped her off, then let himself collapse back onto the hardwood.

“Come on, Jammies.” He heard a clunk as she sat the cup down on the side table by the kitchen door and then coffee-warmed hands gripped his arms and pulled him up. He put his feet under himself when she got him to his knees and pushed himself the rest of the way up, only wobbling slightly.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now, go brush your teeth and take a shower. I ordered breakfast from the diner. Something greasy will help settle things.”

“Diner doesn’t deliver.”

“I’m gonna go pick it up.”

“’kay.”

She nudged him toward the bathroom where he took care of business and then managed the quickest shower of his life while brushing his teeth and leaning against the tiles to keep from falling on his face. When he climbed out, almost falling on his face in the process, he grabbed his towel and scrubbed his hair while he dripped water on the bathmat and saw a pair of boxers and sweatpants on the counter. Or well, near it. Becca must have just cracked open the door and tossed them in. He sighed and dried off enough to keep his wet skin from sticking to his clothes, then dressed and stumbled back to the kitchen for a much needed cup of coffee.

He’d just finished fixing his coffee and sat at the island when there was a knock on the door. He frowned thinking that Becca must have run to the diner and back and had her hands too full to open the door. Why? He whimpered into his boring white Stark Industries coffee mug as he stood and then stumbled to the door clutching his coffee like a lifeline. If he hadn’t been hungover and mostly still asleep he’d have realized she hadn’t been gone long enough to get to the diner and back.

“Why didn’t you just sit the shit down and then open the door, Rebecca? It’s not that hard,” he whined pitifully at her for making him have to get up as he pulled the door open. He blinked when his eyes caught up to the rest of him. Oh, holy hell he was not alive enough for this shit yet. He blinked again at the blonde Adonis standing at the door. Steve looked nervous, wary even, and Bucky shook his head and swung the door shut. “Nope.” He didn’t have time for gorgeous blondes that liked to smack his spoon out of his hand with giant Frisbees.

He stood there for a couple minutes, sipping his coffee and wondering if Steve was still waiting at the door or if he’d left yet. Why the hell was he there anyway? Bucky figured if he was going to drag him back to the tower so Stark and Dr. Banner and whoever else could experiment on him he’d have barged in already. Was he going to apologize for being a jerk and making Bucky lose half a jar of Nutella? Either way it was too fucking early for this shit. There was an almost timid knock on the door and he groaned then downed the rest of his coffee.

“Bucky?”

“No.”

“I just want to talk.”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No.” Huh. What a novel concept. He could say no to Steve. As long as he wasn’t looking at him, at least. Weird.

He heard a heavy sigh and shook his head walking back to the kitchen for another cup of coffee. Maybe Steve had given up. He was halfway through his second cup and still more than a little bit asleep when he heard the doorknob rattle.

“Use your damn key!”

“I don’t have a key?”

Bucky looked up and glared at the blonde that was now standing in his living room. “You’re not my sister.”

“I should hope not,” Becca said stepping out from behind Steve. She gave Bucky an apologetic grimace and he groaned. “That might be kinda weird. I mean…he’s blonde.”

“No,” Bucky grunted turning back to his coffee. Becca came around beside him and sat the containers from the diner in front of him then wrapped her arm around his shoulders.

“I’m sorry. He just looked so fucking pitiful and he asked if he could come in. Promised he just wanted to talk. I couldn’t say no.”

“It’s easier if you’re not looking at him.”

She laughed quietly then kissed his temple. “I bet.”

“That weird possession thing happened didn’t it? Words that weren’t yours came out, huh?”

“Yeah. It’s so fucking weird.” She looked as perplexed as he felt and he nodded.

He felt her pain. But now she at least knew what he went through when Steve was asking him for shit. Those stupid baby blues and his stupid voice and his stupid earnestness and those stupid muscles and his whole stupid...everything. Highly distracting, all that. It wasn’t fair that all he had to do was bat those illegal eyelashes and the Barnes siblings couldn’t tell him no. Bucky half wondered if Rogers had some kind of mind control that he’d gotten from the serum and hadn’t told anyone about. Why the hell else would all those squeaky mice and Southern Belles be around all the time? So weird. Bucky wanted Steve to get out before they showed back up.

“What’d you want to talk about? I’m not going back.” Huh. It was easier to talk to him when he wasn’t looking at him too. Definitely some kind of mind control. Probably. He heard Steve walk into the kitchen, but kept his eyes on his coffee mug. Just in case. He couldn’t help but peek at Steve from the corner of his eyes though and saw that stupid navy jacket and white t-shirt combo that was apparently his go to ‘blending in’ outfit. Ugh. It might help if that damn shirt wasn’t a medium on an extra-large body. No one was going to miss the way the thin white cotton clung to all those muscles. Bucky wanted to simultaneously spray him down with the sprayer nozzle from the sink and yell at him for buying his clothes three sizes too small. Was Steve still buying clothes for scrawny him? Bucky bet that’s why all his shirts were too small.

“I uh…wanted to apologize for yesterday. If I freaked you out over the enhanced thing? It…it doesn’t matter honestly. I was just surprised. No one’s gotten the jump on me like that since before.”

“When you were tiny you?”

“Yeah,” he said it with a low chuckle and Bucky’s lips twitched into a small smile he hoped Rogers didn’t see. “So, I just wanted to say I was sorry and ask if you’d come back.”

“Are you going to experiment on me?”

“What? No!” Steve sounded so shocked that Bucky jerked his head up to look at him. It was a mistake and he knew it, but he couldn’t help it.

“Stark said he wanted my blood.”

“Oh, hell no,” Becca snapped slamming her hand down on the island. “He is not going to do that to you.” Bucky had the feeling his sister would definitely be brushing up on CSI and Forensic Files now.

“No. He’s not.” The vehemence in Steve’s voice and his sister defending him so readily made him smile. “Natasha and Bruce already talked him down. For the most part. No one is going to make you do anything you don’t want, Bucky.” Bucky nodded looking into those stupid earnest baby blues. “We need you.” Steve might as well have stood outside Bucky’s window with a boombox. Did Rogers even know what a boombox was? He blinked, those stupidly long eyelashes sweeping over his cheeks, and Bucky sighed.

“Yeah, okay.”

“Bucky,” Becca yelled, tugging on a lock of his hair and he flicked the fingers of his left hand toward Steve. “Argh!”

You said it sister.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bambi is sad, yo. 
> 
> Also I don't recommend drinking the vodka Becca buys for Bucky. It's like 95-96% alcohol which makes it somewhere around 192 proof. Where as most vodkas range from 80 to 100 proof. So like anything over 2 or 3 shots ain't gonna end well. Be responsible! <3


	7. What Did I Do to Deserve This: Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's tired of your shit, Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the bestest beta ever. She can be found @whitewolfbucky (formerly evanseb) on Tumblr <3 
> 
> I can be found @lilyinthesnow on tumblr
> 
> Come flail about Sebastian Stan with us :D

“Look, I’m just saying _that_ should be your full-time gig, Bucky. I mean, avenging? We’ve all seen the footage of you taking those guys down by now. Why are you still here? You’re an Avenger now.”

Bucky rolled his eyes leaning against the wall of servers behind him and took the laptop from Gary. “Where else would I play Tetris on the supercomputer when I’m supposed to be working? Kind of hard to do that if I’m not here.” He started a new level after peeking around the corner to make sure no one else had come in. “Look, I’m all for avenging. As long as I don’t have to do it. I may have said yes, but I didn’t mean to. There’s just something about Rogers that makes me incapable of saying no to him when I’m looking at him.”

“Well, duh. I mean…Captain America.”

“Exactly!” It definitely wasn’t because Bucky had a hardcore crush on him. Not at all. Bucky…admired him like all decent people should. Admired his ethics and strength. His strength of character, _not_ his miles and miles of muscles. Doing what was right even when it went against everything everyone else said. Even when it made you everyone’s enemy. None of Bucky’s inability to say no to Rogers had anything to do with his muscles or his blue eyes or his outrageously long eyelashes or his pouty lips or his ridiculous shoulders.

Bucky was just doing what he could to help out. He’d found a way to serve his country that didn’t have the military breathing down his neck. Except for Steve, but he didn’t really think Steve counted as military anymore since he’d joined and then broke SHIELD when he’d found out they’d been total Hydra douchenozzles the whole time. So far as Bucky knew Steve wasn’t in the Army anymore so he was pretty sure there wouldn’t be a huge military presence in his life, not unless some kind of coordination had to happen to get something done. There might be issues if that happened, but Bucky would try to stay as far away from all that as possible.

“See, you get it Gary. No one else gets it.”

“I also think you’re full of shit, but yeah.”

“What?” Bucky looked away from Tetris to glare at Gary. “How am I full of shit?”

“Every single person in this office knows you have a raging hard on for Rogers, okay? We know. We accepted it a long time ago. It’s time to accept yourself, Bucky.”

“Fuck you, Gary. I do not have a raging hard on for Rogers.” Not right this second at least.

“Explain all the flailing and mouse-like squeaking that comes from your office whenever he pops in.”

“I do not do that!” He did do that. It was pitiful and pathetic, but he couldn’t help it. It wasn’t his fault he had a teeny, tiny, inconsequential, smidgeon of a crush on Steve. One exceptionally small sparkle of a crush is his otherwise dull existence.

“You do. It’s sad.”

Bucky groaned, thunking his head back against the servers. “I know. I try not to. It’s easier if I don’t have to look him in the eye.”

“I bet. When’s your first mission with them anyway?”

“I don’t know. My sister might have told them not to call me in unless absolutely necessary.”

“And they listened?”

“Dude, you didn’t see it. Hell hath no fury like Rebecca Barnes when she’s freaking out. She’s got just as much of a crush on Rogers as I do and she chewed his ass up one side and down the other. I’m surprised she didn’t make bullet points when she was telling him what I was and was not allowed to do. She had about three seconds to process after I said okay and then bam! Bucky can’t do this and he can’t do that and don’t let him do this even if he tries because he’s a dumbass. It was magical.”

“You’re letting your baby sister run your life now?”

“Gary, she has never _not_ run my life. Besides, all that was for her comfort anyway, she doesn’t want me doing this to begin with, but I guess I should if I can, right?”

“True.” Gary nodded for a moment then took the laptop from Bucky’s hands. “If you’re not going to play then gimme.”

Bucky nodded watching Gary start a new game because he had lost while he’d been jabbering at Gary about Steve. “I have stuff I gotta get done with today anyway. See you later.” He pushed himself off of the floor and walked out of the cold room, peeking around to make sure no one was watching even though everyone knew what they were doing.

He headed into his office, yelping when he bumped into Stark who was standing just inside. Why? Why him? He still hadn’t figured out what he’d done to deserve their attention. Maybe especially Stark’s. Honestly he was more afraid of Tony than he was Natasha. At least if Natasha as going to have killed him she’d have done it already and she didn’t want to strap him down to a table in the lab and experiment on him like Tony wanted to. Bucky still wasn’t sure that one day Stark wasn’t going to have Dr. Banner hulk out and pin him down just to be able to draw some blood and no telling what other kind of samples.

“What do you want now?” He stepped around Tony to get to his desk and frowned when he saw a box sitting on the desk. “What’s in the box, Stark?” It was the first time he’d seen Stark since his freakout in the training room. So far they hadn’t called him away on any missions with them. “Is this going to blow up in my face and knock me out so you can get Steve to drag me to your lab so you can experiment on me?”

“No!” Tony looked shocked that Bucky had even suggested it even though the first thing Stark had done after Bucky took them all down was say he needed some of Bucky’s blood. “No, it’s just…it’s just a thing. You did good the other day when you kicked our asses.”

“Okay…thank you.”

“Welcome. I have to go now.” Bucky nodded slowly as he watched Tony run away like his ass was on fire.

“So fucking weird.”

He stared at the box for a long time before walking around his desk to sit in his chair. He stared at the box even longer after he’d sat down, carefully listening for any ticking or other weird noises. He almost didn’t want to open it. There was no telling what was in the medium sized box. Especially if it came from Stark. Curiosity won out in the end and Bucky tore the box open to find a folded piece of paper sitting on top of a wadded up piece of what looked like brown newspaper that was covering up something else. He unfolded the paper, skimming it quickly for death threats or something similar then sat back to read the short note. He blanched reading over it again and again to make sure he was reading it right. If he was, Tony had just given him something completely priceless that he was definitely going to use to replace the replica Iron Man helmet that was resting on the palm of one of his old arms.

He tossed the note aside and pulled the paper out of the box with a grin and a stifled squeak when he saw the helmet sitting in the box. He picked it up reverently, the muted navy blue with its scratched A on the front and wings on the sides feeling heavier in his hands than what it should have. There was a small dent on one side that looked like it came from a bullet and Bucky winced even as he marveled over the helmet in his hands. Tony had fucking given him one of Steve’s old helmets. Holy fucking shit. He sat blinking at the thing for longer than he should have before sitting it carefully back in its box.

Not only was he now the absurdly proud owner of the most awesome piece of Captain America memorabilia ever, he was fixing to have a heart attack. He wanted to rush home and trade it out and put the Iron Man helmet replica on the mantle above his fake fireplace. But he kind of wanted to have the helmet encased in bulletproof glass and put it out where everyone (Rebecca) could see it. And probably have it bolted down to the floor so his sister wouldn’t try to take off with it. Would it be weird if he asked Steve to sign in? It would be weird wouldn’t it since they were supposed to start working together at some point?

“Shit.” He sighed sitting the box aside. Now he’d have to talk to Stark and tell him thank you. Or since Stark was being awkward, probably because he was apologizing, Bucky could send him a text. It wasn’t nearly a good enough thank you, but it was better than nothing. Yeah, a text was fine.

***

Bucky looked away from his computer screen and frowned at the flashing Avenger symbol on the screen of his cell phone. The hell? They hadn’t even gotten around to getting him any gear yet. Stark still hadn’t given him his new arm with his tiny rocket launcher. Why the hell were they calling him in? He tapped the symbol as he picked up his phone and he skimmed over what turned out to be an invitation to join them for lunch. He texted back a solid nope and went right back to his computer.

He should have known they wouldn’t let it go this time. Should have known they’d send someone after him and it wouldn’t be Sam or Dr. Banner. No, they’d sent Natasha. He was glad for that because if they’d sent Steve it wouldn’t have been possible to say no a second time. It was easy to tell the redhead no. What wasn’t easy was pretending that the glare she was leveling him with behind his computer monitor wasn’t scary as hell. He’d try though. She could stand there glaring at him for as long as she wanted to while he worked and tried his hardest to pretend she wasn’t there. He wouldn’t budge.

“Stark said if you don’t come to lunch you’re not going to get your new arm with its tiny rocket launcher.”

Fuck. “Yeah, okay. Fine.” She grinned at him and he frowned. “Is Rogers going to be there?” Bucky hoped he wasn’t.

“Steve will be there,” Natasha said with another evil grin. “Why?”

“No reason.” He was pretty sure she knew the exact fucking reason he had asked.

“Sure. Save your work before you lose it again and come on. We’re having junk food today.”

“Junk food?” Bucky hit save then locked his computer down and stood. “What junk food?”

“Stark decided that in honor of you kicking ass and it being the first lunch you’ve bothered to join us for, that we’re having Nutella themed food items.”

“There’s only so many cookies you can make with Nutella.” He knew that for sure. He’d tried just about every Nutella cookie recipe he could find. Well, he’d made Becca make them because she’d been the one that inherited their mother’s baking gene, but he’d bought the stuff for them and got to scrape the bowls and eat the cookies so there was that.

“There are only two types of cookies. The rest is a surprise.”

“Ugh. You guys are diabolical.”

Natasha laughed leading him out of his office and to the elevator Steve had dragged him to before. Bucky sighed leaning against the wall of the elevator and closed his eyes trying to dig up his long neglected sniper cool. He honestly hadn’t needed it for anything in a long time so had let it slip away, but he knew he needed it now. It had taken him months to get rid of it when he’d gotten home after being discharged, but now when he needed it he could barely find it. Maybe the dredges would be enough for now. Or he could at least pretend Steve wasn’t even in the room. That might work.

When the elevator stopped Natasha brushed her hand down his arm and gave him a gentle smile when he opened his eyes to look at her. “It’s just lunch. No one’s going to attack you or try to suck your blood. Too many windows for vampires.”

He snorted as the elevator doors opened into the sun brightened room. “Like there’s not some hellacious UV blocking shit on those windows. All of you could be vampires for all I know. How else would you survive half the shit you’ve been through?”

Her husky laugh made him grin as she led him into the room where the rest of her team was sitting at a large table that hadn’t been there when Steve had dragged him into what he thought was like a commons for the team. Probably the whole floor was for them to congregate on. To hang out when they didn’t want to be alone or in their own separate apartments.

Natasha rushed past him to sit and he wondered just how hungry she was until he realized that the only open seat was right next to Rogers whose smile rivaled the sun shining in through the windows when he caught Bucky’s eyes. Bucky couldn’t help but smile back even as his heart thundered in his ears. Probably Steve could hear how loud it was, how quick it was beating, and all just because of a single smile. He was so fucked.

“Hi, Bucky.”

“Hey,” Bucky murmured with a small wave. _Hey? Seriously, brain? That’s the best you could come up with? And Jesus, stop with the dorky wave already!_ He groaned quietly, dropping his hand and fighting a blush as he walked around the table to sit down so no one would think he was being weird. Again. He took a steadying breath then distracted himself from the feel of Steve’s body heat as he greeted everyone else that was sat at the table. Tony was grinning lasciviously, flicking his eyes between Bucky and Steve. Sam gave him his usual adorable smile. Barton waggled his fingers with a smirk. Dr. Banner gave him a distracted smile and half wave before turning back to a tablet that was sitting next to the empty plate in front of him.

Stark stood up as Steve handed Bucky a beer and he groaned again knowing what was coming. Why the hell did Stark feel the need to make a speech?

“After a minor freak-out and excellent avoidance skills, only the threat of Barnes not getting a tiny rocket launcher and luring him with a meal of Nutella based foods could bring us together.”

“I’m not sure how minor my freak-out was,” Bucky muttered then took a drink of his beer. At least they hadn’t seen him after he had gotten to his apartment.

“You haven’t seen Tony freaking out. Yours was minor in comparison,” Natasha told him with a smile.

“Ah.” He definitely did not want to see one of Stark’s infamous freak-outs. He’d heard enough horror stories just at work. Not to mention all the ones he’d seen in the papers before he had started working for SI. No thank you.

“Welcome to the team, kid. If you have any questions or need anything at all, I’m sure Cap will be willing and able to help you. He’s very capable, our Captain.” Bucky glared at Stark while fighting a blush when he saw Steve turn to him out of the corner of his eye with another one of those sunshine smiles. “He’d give you the too small shirt off of his back. Probably his jeans too if you were completely naked. But then he would be naked except for his boxer briefs. Not that any of us would be complaining. I don’t think any of us would complain about you being naked either.”

Bucky ducked his head as Stark kept rambling about him and Steve being naked, knowing his face was as pink as the paint on his toenails from when Becca had been to his apartment last and they’d painted each other’s nails while talking about cute boys and new movies that were fixing to come out. She’d borrowed a few of his not-trashy romance novels too. It was okay to read them if they were about demons and angels and vampires and stuff, okay?

Except now Bucky was imagining Steve modeling for one of the covers which almost always had some ridiculously built guy from the neck down on the cover all muscled up and with what Bucky was nearly positive was a photoshopped bulge behind the fly of their leather pants. Steve would have his shirt off and oiled up muscles on display and the skin tight black leather pants that just barely clung to his hips. They wouldn’t even have to photoshop the bulge bigger. Not that he’d looked or anything. He hadn’t even peeked. It was just…hard not to notice when he was sitting right next to you with his legs slightly spread under the table and you were ducking your head to hide your blush anyway and just happened to accidently glance over. A couple times. Thank fuck he was too nervous to get a boner.

“Do you want to say a few words? We’ll haze you if you don’t.” Bucky shook his head, blushing even more when everyone at the table, including a still slightly distracted Bruce, began to cheer and heckle him. Morons. Was he the only actual adult in the room? Was he going to be their den mother? Den father? He wasn’t old enough to have this many kids. Not to mention he’d been somewhere around negative ten when Stark and Dr. Banner were born. And like negative seventy-something when Steve had been born. Natasha was roughly his age he thought. Barton was probably closer to Stark’s age. So technically he was the youngest guy in the room, but even still he felt like he was way older than Steve.

“Come on Bucky,” Steve murmured in his ear, lips ghosting over the shell. “You should say something.” Bucky forced back a shudder then nodded and stood slowly.

Stark sat down and the room quieted as everyone waited for him to speak. “I uh…I hate making speeches. I’m not good at them, unlike some people in the room.” He glanced down at Steve to see him blushing faintly then turned back to stare down at the table. “I still don’t know what I’m doing here or why. You really don’t need me, but thank you? I guess. And I’m still going to be old and tired and grumpy, so get used to it.” He sat down, looking up at them and meeting their eyes long enough to give them his scary murder glare. Natasha and Tony were giggling and Barton was cooing over his beer.

“Aww. We have two grumpy old men now. It’s so cute,” he gushed.

“Years in the ice don’t fucking count and you’re older than I am anyway, so shut up Barton.”

Bucky blinked at his beer bottle. Did Steve just cuss? And tell someone to shut up? What happened to Steve? Was he in a bad mood? Had Bucky said something wrong? Was it possible he was just as tired of everyone’s shit as Bucky was? Bucky frowned. Nah, not possible. Rogers was supposed to be all sweet and virginal and shit. Bucky had probably misheard him or something. Never mind that his hearing was better than perfect.

“Language, Steve. Don’t want to scare off the new guy,” Stark said it with such a savage grin that Bucky looked between Stark and Rogers warily. Were they fixing to throw down? Steve raised a brow at Tony with a challenging smirk then let loose with a string of expletives that had Bucky blushing as he stared down into his beer bottle. Wow. He had seemed so sweet before when he’d come to Bucky’s office and later his apartment. So nice and polite and like if you said a bad swear word in front of him he might pass out. What the hell was going on?

Preconceived notions, yeah, but still. What the ever-loving fuck? Was this traumatizing? Was he traumatized now? The fuck? Where was his fainting couch? He was pretty sure he needed it and why had none of them thought to tell him that Steve was nothing like that bullshit Captain America persona he always used? He lifted his head and glared at Natasha. She could have told him at least. She’d spent the most time staring silently at him and probably knew every dirty little secret he had. She especially knew how hard he was crushing over Steve so why the fuck hadn’t she told him?

She grinned at him, looking like a tiny shark with lots of teeth, and he narrowed his eyes even more. She knew! She fucking knew exactly what she’d done. Oh…wait. He stopped glaring and sighed heavily with a nod, yeah, that’s why she didn’t tell him about Steve. She knew his hero worship/lust addled brain wouldn’t accept anything else. He had to have found out on his own what Rogers was really like. She nodded back at him with a gentle approving smile.

They spent a few minutes on silent conversation that Bucky didn’t even really understand how they were doing because they’d known each other for all of a week when all was said and done, but that was neat. At least they understood each other without having to air anything in front of the rest of her team. Without him being even more of an embarrassment to himself. Go them.

“Seriously? Are you really doing that right now?” Bucky looked up at Sam’s disbelieving voice and raised an eyebrow in question.

“Doing what? Huh?”

“How are you two having a silent conversation right now? You don’t even know each other well enough for that!” He mumbled something else after that, which sounded like ‘fucking spies’ and Bucky frowned.

“I was a sniper.”

“Special Forces! Same thing.”

“Not really,” Bucky and Natasha said at the same time. Sam threw his hands up in frustration while they laughed at him.

“All right, children.” Tony tapped a fork against his highball glass and they quit laughing, but still snickered with each other while Sam glared. “Just for Barnes we have a multitude of Nutella based dishes.” Bucky rolled his eyes even as his stomach reminded him that he hadn’t had anything to eat since the night before. Stark pointed to each of the several dishes on the table and started naming them off.

There was chili con carne, steaks with some kind of Nutella steak sauce, raspberry jam and Nutella grilled cheese made with Havarti, French fries that were drizzled with Nutella and that weird whipped marshmallow stuff his sister loved but he kind of hated. There was also something that looked like balls of fried rice that had been rolled in sugar and deep fried. Apparently they’d been stuffed with Nutella first and Tony called them arancini. Slices of thick cut pepper bacon with Nutella icing and finally there was coconut soup? that had Nutella in it too and was probably amazing.

For desert there was Nutella wontons that were drizzled with more Nutella and dusted with powdered sugar, Nutella stuffed French toast, Nutella stuffed sugar cookies which he absolutely loved and would fight to the death over, as well as chocolate, Nutella, and hazelnut cookies, and finally the thing Bucky was going to devour first: an ice cream sandwich made from a chocolate donut iced with Nutella icing that had been sliced in two like a bagel, smeared with Nutella and two scoops of coffee ice cream between the pieces.

“Welcome to the team, kid.” Tony lifted his glass and Bucky smiled at each of them in turn then took a sip of his beer. “Dig in.”

Bucky reached for the ice cream sandwich first and watched with amusement as everyone else scrambled for the food like they were starving. It reminded him of all those YouTube videos with the tiny savage kittens that were growling and snarling over their food bowls when their human tried to pet them. The videos that he may or may not have watched for hours on end because they were fucking adorable. This was a little bit more frightening though.

Everyone else was like regular kitten sized except for Steve cause yeah, but Natasha was the runt and clearly more well trained in the art of snatching food just as soon as someone reached for it than any of the others. He let their grumbling and groaning and moaning wash over him as he ate his donut. It was kind of nice actually, to see in their natural habitat when they weren’t being conniving assholes. Well, at least not conniving to get him to join up for whatever reason. He still wasn’t sure he fit in, but it was fun to watch them squabble like family.

He and Becca argued and fought all the time, but it was still lonely when they were the only ones each other had. Maybe one day these people could be his family too. Becca had close friends, he knew she did, but he hadn’t had anyone but Becca for so long. He and Steve’s team would most likely only wind up as friends, though. He didn’t think he’d be close enough to any of them to count them as family. He didn’t want to fuck up the dynamic they had with each other by getting in the middle of them.

***

When everyone had finished lunch and the team had run Bucky off from trying to clean up saying Stark had people for that, Stark had dragged Bucky to his lab where his new arm was waiting for him. He was finally going to get his tiny rocket launcher, and he may or may not have squealed in his best impression of a six-year old on a sugar high when Tony had attached the arm and shown him how to use the rocket launcher. They may or may not have also accidentally destroyed a work table and whatever projects Tony had been working on when Bucky had twitched his fingers a little too far and sent one of his tiny rockets flying into it.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. Not the first time,” Tony said as they watched one of his bots put out the fire.

Bucky nodded when Tony patted him on the shoulder then steered him to another part of the lab where a suit was laying out on a table. It looked like an updated version of the suit the hot douchebag that Bucky had clotheslined had been wearing. More badass, slightly less straps, more hidey holes for nifty shit, and the leather top left Bucky’s left arm exposed which was neat. The baggy pants would kind of hide how much work he’d put into his ass and thighs, but if he tightened the straps on his holsters enough you could tell how thick his thighs were so there was that. Not that anyone was going to be looking when Rogers was around and breathing the same air, but still. He wasn’t always going to be stuck up Steve’s ass. Such a shame, that.

“Try it on.”

“You know I’m only going to do this as a last resort right? I actually like the job I have now and I’m going to keep it.”

“Uh huh.”

Bucky narrowed his eyes at Stark and the maniac grinned. “Steve told us what your sister said. Her rules for you.”

“Yep.”

“How much leeway do you think we have?”

“None. Steve’s reporting directly to her I’m sure.”

Alarms began to blare, lights started flashing, and Bucky shook his head at Stark’s wicked grin. “No. Absolutely not.” They heard footsteps rushing toward them and Steve jogged into the room.

“Hey, Buck. You coming?”

Bucky turned away from Steve so he wouldn’t automatically say yes, and shook his head. “Nope.”

“Oh. Okay. I thought you’d want to test out your new gear. Use your tiny rocket launcher.”

Bucky could hear the gentle teasing in Steve’s voice, but the blonde was right. He wanted to use his new tiny rocket launcher. He did. He really really did. He could totally fuck someone’s shit up with it. And do it on purpose instead of accidently blowing up Stark’s evil lair. “Yeah, okay. Let’s go fuck shit up.” He looked to Steve as Tony whooped and they both rolled their eyes.

***

Two hours later they were smack dab in the middle of a bunch of rundown warehouses in the middle of freaking nowhere. Honestly, Bucky hadn’t paid a bit of attention to where they were going or what exactly he was supposed to be doing besides staying up top and watching everyone’s backs. Becca had been very precise when going over what he was and wasn’t allowed to do. All he knew was there was some Bad Guys© doing Very Bad Things™ and they were gonna stop them.

So far he’d done nothing but perch on an outlying building watching for stragglers of some weirdos wearing what looked like fluorescent orange hazmat suits and FRCs through his scope and picking them off. It was boring as shit, he’d only seen a couple so far, and was fairly certain he hadn’t missed any because how could he when they were in that horrible fabric? He had to dig deep to find that same stillness he’d had back in the Army. The same calm. The same quiet emptiness he’d perfected those years ago. He wanted to fidget and had had to stop himself from singing under his breath a few times already. He wanted to be down there with Steve and the rest of the team. He thought he wasn’t suited for that anymore, but it was hard staying up on the roof to watch when everyone else, including Barton, was down on the ground and fighting.

“There’s gotta be something I can do down there.”

“Your sister expressly forbade me from letting you on the ground just yet,” Steve murmured as he knocked some guy on his ass with the shield.

Bucky sighed heavily, “She’s not the boss of me,” and then shot some asshat who was attempting to sneak up on Steve. The blonde turned to look up at him and gave him a small salute.

“Argh! You just gave away my position, Rogers! Didn’t they teach you anything back in your day?”

“Don’t think you got much to worry about, Buck.” Rogers turned back to the bodies piled up around them and nudged one with his foot. “I think we’re good here.”

Bucky was so busy grumbling under his breath and glaring at Rogers that he almost missed a man dressed in black sneaking up on the rest of the team as they moved to crowd around Steve. Almost missed the blinking of a red light on a box covered in wires and plastic. Almost missed the dead man’s switch in the guy’s other hand.

“Run. Run like hell!” Stark grabbed Barton and flew off. Sam grabbed Natasha and followed after him. Steve’s dumb ass, instead of running away, headed toward the guy. “Get the fuck out of there Rogers!” Bucky jumped up and then launched himself over the edge of the roof, trying to drop easy even though he was falling from five stories up.

The dude holding the bomb must have known he was going to die either way and threw the box at Steve. Bucky, also being a dumbass, ran straight for Rogers. He was going to beat his ass. If they didn’t get blown up first. Bucky couldn’t shoot the guy because of the stupid switch in his hand; he couldn’t even use his tiny rocket launcher! And honestly he didn’t know why the dude didn’t just let go already. Unless he was waiting for Steve to get right on top of it. Shit.

Bucky watched in horror as Steve dropped his shield over the bomb and then planted himself on top of it, curled into a little ball that somehow, despite his massive size, fit perfectly on top of it. “You stupid fucking bastar…” Whatever else Bucky was going to say never made it past a strangled scream when the bomb went off and Steve and his shield got blown sky fucking high. Bucky got blown back into the building from the shockwaves and felt his shoulder crack; the one that was still flesh and bone instead of mostly metal, but he ignored it in favor of looking for what was left of Steve Rogers through the smoldering ruins of what used the be a couple warehouses. Smoke and dust filled the air making it hard to see anything, but he heard the weird hum of Steve’s shield falling through the air.

The shield clanged down in the crater where the bomb had once lain and Steve tumbled back down after it with a quiet groan. Good, he was still alive. Bucky was going to kick his fucking ass. After he made sure he wasn’t mostly dead. He ran over to where Steve was smoldering and Stark and Sam came back bringing Barton and Natasha with them and Bucky shoved them out of the way to get to Steve who was already pushing himself to his feet and picking up his shield.

Bucky was going to kill him. “Steven Grant Rogers! You stupid son of a bitch!” Bucky slid down the side of the crater as he yelled and Steve flinched.

“I’m okay.”

“That was the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever fucking seen! What the fuck were you thinking? You’re so fucking dumb! How are you still fucking alive?” Steve opened his mouth and Bucky held up a hand to shut him up. “Don’t! I know how you’re still alive. If you didn’t have that fucking serum your little twink ass woulda been in the grave a long fucking time ago.”

“What’s a twink?”

“Oh my God! That’s what you focus on? Jesus Christ, Steve. And you know what a fucking twink is, you asshole. You’ve been around long enough to learn all the words, Steve!”

“I probably could’ve done something different, but it worked.”

“Holy fuck!” Bucky definitely did not fucking screech and tangle his hands in his hair. He was not that dramatic. His voice was just jacked all to hell from breathing in all the smoke and he was combing the tangles out of his hair. “Do you see your shield? It’s still fucking smoldering!”

Steve looked down at the shield that was resting against his leg with tendrils of smoke coming off of it. “Huh.”

“You’re going to give me a goddamn heart attack! Why did I ever leave my office?”

“I thought you wanted to help us. If you want to go back to your office we’ll understand. I’m sorry, Buck.” He looked so fucking earnest as he reached forward and wiped some soot from Bucky’s cheek with a swipe of his thumb that Bucky’s ire immediately cooled. It may have also been from all the blood rushing from his head too.

“It’s okay.” Steve grinned dropping his hand from Bucky’s cheek then picked up his shield and walked off. It took Bucky a few minutes to wonder if Steve had played him with the golly gee bullshit everyone said he was really like when in reality he was just as tired of people’s shit as Bucky was. Or was Bucky just that fucking enamored that all Steve had to do was look pitiful? He was. He knew he was. Steve had batted those ridiculous eyelashes at him with those baby blue eyes and he’d caved in two seconds flat when he’d asked him to join up. Seriously who the fuck needed eyelashes like that? So unfair.

***

“You need that shoulder looked at.” Bucky lifted his gaze from the floor and dropped his hand from where he’d been worrying his shoulder.

“It’s fine.” Give him a couple days and whatever had cracked would be healed up anyway.

“Don’t do that. Rogers does it all the time. We don’t need another one that won’t go to Medical when they need to.”

“It’s fine, Natasha. I just got knocked around a little bit when Rogers got himself blown up.”

She nodded then jabbed his shoulder faster than she ought to have done or at least seemed faster because his shoulder really was fucking hurting and it was distracting as hell and he yelped at the throbbing pain that rushed through him. “Sure it’s fine.”

“You just want to experiment on me.”

“You don’t trust easy.”

“Do you?” He knew she didn’t. Knew that she knew he had a million and a half good reasons not to trust anyone. He’d seen too much shit working for the military and then being one of the top three Intelligence Nerds.

“I trust our team. You should too.”

“Ha!”

“We’re the good guys here, Barnes.”

“Sure. That’s why none of you would leave me alone. Why you all kept asking and asking and wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

“You didn’t agree to it because I bat my eyelashes at you. Nothing any of us said would have made a difference. None of us except Steve. I wonder why.”

Bucky glared at the redhead. “You know why. Everyone fucking knows why. Except hopefully him.”

“Why would that be so bad?”

“You’re fucking kidding me right? I’ve gotten the ‘Sorry, I’m straight’ talk before. It’s not as fun as people make it sound.” He shook his head then stood and walked away from her, cradling his arm against his chest. There wasn’t a position he could hold it at that didn’t hurt, but it hurt less this way so it would have to do.

He hoped Natasha didn’t tell Steve. That none of them did. He didn’t need that hanging over his head and fucking up the team’s dynamic. They worked well together, even if Bucky spent most of it perched somewhere above the real fight because his sister had made Steve promise he wouldn’t let Bucky on the ground yet. He kind of liked it even. Being a part of a team again. He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed that. Missed having a team he could rely on. Someone to watch his back while he watched theirs. He wasn’t sure he trusted them just yet though. Not about watching his back. He’d trust them all with that, but he didn’t trust them to not dig for the answers he didn’t want.

He knew his shoulder would heal whether it was wrapped or not so going to Medical was pointless. He’d just go home and sleep and putz around for a couple days and be good as new. He didn’t need Medical. He didn’t need them poking around or jabbing him with needles.

“You’re hurt.” Bucky closed his eyes tightly at the voice coming from beside him where he knew a doorway was. If he didn’t see Steve it would be so easy to tell him no to whatever it was he wanted now.

“I’m fine.”

“Fine doesn’t mean cradling your arm like that.”

“Yeah? How do you define the term ‘fine’?

“Not like that.”

Bucky could hear that stupid smirk in Steve’s voice. “I’m fine, Steve.”

“Sure.”

“Bye.” Bucky opened his eyes to see where he was going so he wouldn’t crash into Steve and wound up looking into those sky blue eyes. Fuck. How the hell did he move so quietly for such a big guy? “I’ll ice it when I get home.”

“May I?” Steve raised a hand toward Bucky’s shoulder and Bucky nodded, watching with a pained wince when Steve pulled the neck of his shirt out to see his shoulder. Bucky knew there was a fair amount of dark bruising but it wasn’t dislocated. Steve gently prodded it and Bucky bit back a hiss as the pain flared brighter. “I’m pretty sure it’s broken.”

“It’s fine.” Steve gave him that ‘Captain America is disappointed in you’ look and Bucky sighed. He didn’t want to tell Steve that even if it was broken it would be healed in less than two weeks. Three days for a hairline fracture and about ten for anything worse. Probably a compound fracture would take longer, but he’d yet to have one since getting out of the hospital. “Steve, it’s got to do with that thing I don’t want to talk about, okay? I’ll be fine.”

“If it heals wrong it’s going to be a bitch and a half. Let’s go to Medical and get an x-ray. At least make sure it’s going to heal right. Having something re-broken because you let it heal wrong isn’t as fun as it sounds.”

“Speaking from experience?”

“It’s happened a couple times.”

“Figures. I can’t go to Medical though. They’ll just poke and prod and then they’ll want me to go back to get it checked on, but when I go back and it’s completely healed and _been_ healed for a while they’ll ask questions and want to run more tests. I can’t do that, Steve.”

“Hey, calm down. It’s all right, Buck. Just breathe, huh?” Steve rested his hand on the center of Bucky’s chest, pressing hard enough to get his attention. “Shh, just try to breathe.” Bucky nodded, slapping his left hand over Steve’s and holding it in place as he sucked in a deep breath. “I’ll clear everyone out except for the x-ray tech and one of the PAs.”

“Physician’s assistants know more than doctors do half the time,” Bucky gasped.

Steve nodded then carefully turned them to head toward Medical, neither of them realizing they still had their hands pressed to the center of Bucky’s chest until they reached Medical and a team rushed toward them. Bucky grasped Steve’s even tighter to his chest instead of pushing him away, only relaxing when Steve sent everyone away except for the PA and x-ray technician. He didn’t let go of Steve’s hand or stop pressing it to his chest until he had to go to radiology for his x-ray.

Twenty minutes later Bucky was shirtless with his arm strapped to his chest, hand resting against his collarbone. Steve was still walking with him, just in case he panicked again, and keeping him out of the way of the pressing bodies in the hall so no one would bump into him. They’d given Bucky a prescription for hydrocodone which was just about useless, but he couldn’t exactly tell them that. Steve had some pain meds he was going to give him anyway. He wasn’t sure what kind of pain meds they were, but if they’d work on Steve then they’d definitely work on him. They’d decided he’d start with a fourth of one and then work his way up from there to see how much he needed to actually take. He’d be good as new in a few days. He just had to avoid his sister for a little bit so he wouldn’t have to tell her that he’d gotten broken trying to keep Steve from getting blown up.

***

His ‘only as a last resort’ thing wasn’t exactly panning out the way he thought it would be. Mostly, he figured out, because he’d been so fucking bored in his office. He hadn’t realized it at the time, but apparently a couple years of sitting behind a desk was all he could take. He still did his office job in between missions with Steve’s team, but it wasn’t as fulfilling as he thought it had been.

Still, sometimes it was better to be sitting in his office going over intel from various sources than it was chasing Steve around and making sure he didn’t get himself killed. Like now, when he was trying to get him to use a freaking parachute. And what was Rogers’ issue with not using the damned things anyways?

“Buck, it’s fine.”

“Use a goddamn parachute, Rogers!”

“Not the first time I’ve jumped without one, Barnes.” Steve gave him a challenging smirk then jumped out of their perfectly good jet while Bucky shoved his goggles over his eyes to keep his hair from whipping in them.

_Well, fuck you too Rogers._ Bucky shrugged at Romanov, ignoring her glare and the shake of her head, then flung himself after Steve. He tucked his arms close to his sides, hoping for as little wind resistance as possible so he’d catch up to the blonde dumbass and wound up crashing into him and wrapping his arms around his waist.

“What the hell are you doing!”

“Gonna beat your ass for being fucking stupid!” Bucky growled and smacked Steve’s shoulder. “What the fuck were you thinking!”

“You jumped too!”

“You practically dared me to jump!”

They had time for Steve to smack Bucky back before he shifted and used his shield to break the surface of the water to ease their dive.

***

He tossed his rifle and jumped out of the tree he’d been perched in and reached Steve in time for the blonde to peel himself off of the ground. Bucky was torn between irritation and amusement when he realized that the impression in the dirt that Steve had pushed himself out of was shaped almost exactly like his body. Like the old Wile E. Coyote cartoons where he fell off the cliff and made a coyote shaped hole in the ground. Holy shit had he hit his breaking point? Was he finding Steve being a dumb shit amusing now? Was he finding it a little endearing even? Steve smiled at him and he glared. No, it was not amusing or endearing. It was going to give him a fucking heart attack.

“What the fuck were you thinking?”

“It worked!”

“You can’t fucking do shit like that!” ‘Shit like that’ being launched at bad guys by Hulk across half a city block and winding up face down in what was now a partially destroyed community garden while Bucky held his shield because Steve’s stupid ass had thrown it to him before letting Hulk throw his ass like a fucking football.

“Buck, come on.” He reached up toward Bucky’s face like he usually did after a fight for whatever fucking reason. Usually it was to wipe away soot or blood or dirt, but Bucky slapped his hand away because he knew the second Steve touched him he’d melt and let him get away with being fuckin’ stupid. Again. For like the tenth time. That he’d been around for at least.

“No!”

“Bucky.”

“Abso-fucking-lutely not!” He shoved Steve’s shield into his chest then shook his head and stomped away from the blonde, muttering under his breath as he went to pick up his rifle. “What did I do to deserve this?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had a super shitty day today involving six hours worth of phone calls with my insurance company and getting run around in circles. Leave me a pretty comment (if you wanna) and make my day better. <3


	8. Wedding Bells Are Ringing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A town is a little too Stepford Wives. A fake wedding. Bucky tries not to lose his shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say thank you for the lovely comments last chapter. Things have been not so great, but they helped. I haven't replied because all I have right now is my mobile and trying to reply on it is a bitch and a half. I will reply as soon as I can hook my laptop up to proper internet.
> 
> Beta'd by @whitewolfbucky over on tumblr. <3  
> Any remaning mistakes are my own.

“A month into a new job is long enough to quit right? I mean, if it’s not working out, it’s not working out.” Not that Avenging wasn’t working out. It was working out too well actually, and Bucky was worried that he was getting too tempted to quit his office job and just Avenge full-time. He liked being an Intelligence Nerd. Maybe not as much as he did when he’d first started, but he still liked it. 

Even if he hadn’t actually gotten to do it much lately what with trying to keep Steve ‘I’m just as much of an asshole as you are’ Rogers alive. Steve probably didn’t actually need him to jump his shit after every fuckin’ mission when he inevitably did something completely idiotic and borderline suicidal, but Bucky kind of thought it kept up morale a little bit maybe. 

Either that or everyone else was content to watch Bucky lose his shit every time Steve got himself blown the fuck up or tossed across three city blocks by Hulk, or jumped out of planes without a parachute, or flung himself headfirst into a group of maniacs wielding giant fucking Taser Sticks of Death™ or a herd of giant rabbits right out of Night of the Lepus.

Even more terrifying than horse-sized man-eating rabbits was the group of possibly rabid children that had glommed onto them one day after they had decimated a fifty foot tall sentient stuffed teddy bear. Steve had literally kicked the stuffing out of it. From the inside. Because the fucking moron had let himself get eaten by the fucking thing. Not that kicking the stuffing out of it had done anything but cover them in mass amounts of Poly-Fil, but still. They wound up leading it to a relatively empty area where a building had recently been demolished, and then Tony and Steve hacked it into pieces and proceeded to set it on fire while giggling viciously.

Only afterward did they realize they’d been across the street from a preschool, not like any of them could see well what with all that fluff floating around. But instead of the kids being terrified by the violence of adult men (because Natasha was away on a fun mission assassinating an evil douchecanoe) cackling evilly over torching a child’s most beloved toy, the kids were more excited about the Avengers being near their preschool. Bucky was still traumatized by all of the kids and their teachers rushing toward them with their mouths foaming and their grubby hands covered in glitter glue, their eyes glowing red and tiny horns pushing up through their hair. Okay, they didn't really have horns or red glowing eyes, but he wouldn't have been surprised if they had.

By the time they managed to make their escape they all looked like they’d been up close and personal with Chastity and Sinnamon at the strip club from all the glitter on them. None more so than Steve, who unlike Bucky and the rest of the team, wasn’t awkward around children, which what? But whatever. Bucky may have been disturbed by the giant teddy bear, but he’d taken the trauma of being pawed at by hundreds of tiny demons out on Steve’s glitter-covered ass.

It had been a week and Bucky was still finding the herpes of the crafting world all over the fucking place. Like how even did it spread that much? He even found glitter on his junk and he knew for damn sure no one had touched his junk but himself in a really long time. There’d been a particularly handsy teacher at the preschool though so that might’ve been where it came from.

“Dude.”

He shoved his glitter-covered trauma back into its reinforced steel cage and glared at his sister. “It’s a serious question, Rebecca.”

“Meh.” She shrugged, looking down at her phone. She then giggled and slipped it under her leg.

“What is it?”

“Nothing,” she said with a sweet smile he knew not to trust. No Barnes had ever told the truth with that smile on their face.

“Bullshit. Gimme.” He snatched her phone before she could react and he unlocked it to find a picture of him in his Avenging gear that someone had added heart eyes to. He was covered in glitter so it had been from the preschool incident. In it he was staring at Steve, or more correctly Steve’s ass, which had a glittery handprint on it from one of the teachers. The enterprising soul who’d added the heart eyes had also photoshopped fake glitter the same color as the handprint on Steve’s ass onto Bucky’s hand.

“People ship you and Steve.”

Bucky snorted, tossing the phone at his sister. “I ship me and Steve. That’s not surprising.”

“What is surprising is that people think you’re good enough for Mr. Righteous.”

“He’s an asshole Becca. I’ve told you this a million times.” He had. Ever since he learned the truth he’d been telling her that Steve was just as much of a tired, grumpy old fart as he was, but she didn’t listen. She’d met Steve a couple times now, but Steve was always on his best behavior with her, and Bucky knew that was bullshit. Becca hadn’t seen Steve ‘Fight me’ Rogers trolling people yet. Hadn’t seen him cuss up a storm because he’d stubbed his toe on Thor’s hammer that had mysteriously appeared and then disappeared sans Thor. Hadn’t seen him outrageously flirt with Tony just to weird him out. Hadn’t seen him practically deep throat a corndog and then laugh because innocent bystanders ran into a wall and tripped over their own feet because they hadn’t been able to tear their eyes away from it. Not that Bucky knew anything about that last one. And he definitely hadn’t taken a cold shower or given himself a hairline fracture in his cheekbone after running into the wall after that thing he didn’t know anything about.

“You’re full of shit.”

“You’ll see! One day, if it’s the last thing I ever do, I’ll make you see how much of a fucking asshole Rogers really is.”

“You’re just moody because you don’t have a chance with him.”

“Not just that.” Bucky pouted and then sighed heavily while looking over at Mark II where Steve’s old helmet sat in the palm. The replica of Tony’s Iron Man helmet had been delegated to a spot on top of the mini-fridge/freezer where he kept the pints of Ben and Jerry’s he celebrated with and/or cried into after missions. It had been an important addition since joining up. “You never answered my question.”

“You’re not quitting.”

“You didn’t want me to do it in the first place.”

“I know,” she told him with a serious look. “You’re happier since you started though. I know how much your military career meant to you. I know how much you missed it even though you pretended you didn’t.”

“I didn’t miss it. Not as much as you seem to think. I didn’t want to do this. I had a minor breakdown over it if you don’t recall.”

“Because you’re a drama queen. I just want you to be careful.”

“I know, Becca.”

“Look, Buck. If you don’t want to do it just tell them. I’m sure Steve will understand. He’ll be all charming and sweet and probably baby you a little bit even. Or he’ll bat his eyelashes at you and you’ll cave just like you always do around him.”

“I don’t. Not anymore.” Most of the time. “He’s an asshole. I can say no to him if I wanna.” He could now. It was amazing. Well, about some things. Some stuff he still sighed and squeaked and Southern Belled at, but mostly he could just grunt out a no and walk the fuck away.

“Uh huh.”

“I like Avenging more than I like my office job. I wanna be on the ground helping. Like I did with the giant teddy bear. But Steve won’t let me on the ground at all: the only reason he let me with the bear was because bullets didn’t do shit. Neither did my tiny rocket launcher.” He twitched his fingers and the plates of his arm separated and a tiny rocket popped up. “I was useless.”

“Oh my God! Fine you big baby, I’ll tell Steve you can get more involved. Jeez.” She picked up her phone and started tapping away on the screen.

“Do you have his cell phone number? I don’t even have his number!” Not that he particularly wanted it because he knew he’d do some epic drunk pining and drunk text him telling him how perfect his ass was or something.

“How do you think he reports back to me?”

“I figured there was some kind of like…Captain America light signal or something.”

Becca leveled him with the most Natasha-like glare he’d ever seen from someone who was not Natasha. No way in hell was his baby sister ever meeting Black Widow. “Moron.” Her phone buzzed before she had a chance to sit it down and she looked at the screen, blinking for a few seconds, then looking back to Bucky.

“Steve said he’s got a job for you then. He and Tony want to talk to you in the morning.”

That was strangely fast. Call him paranoid, but something about that made him extremely wary. “Okay.”

***

“Abso-fuckin’-lutely not!” Not gonna happen. Not ever. Steve and Tony could kiss his ass. It wasn’t gonna happen.

“Buck. Bucky come on.” Steve did his stupid earnest face at him and he glared at the blonde.

“No.”

“Come on, kid. You wanted a more active role. This is it.”

“You want me and Steve to pretend to be married and go undercover because you think one tiny town in bumfuck is infested with Hydra because it’s too nice and neat not to be? What the hell are they doing? Playing at Stepford Wives?”

“What’s Stepford Wives?” Steve asked with a slight frown.

“A book and two movies. You can Google it later. Watch the one with Glenn Close and Christopher Walken,” Bucky murmured to him then looked back to Tony. “And no. First of all, this isn’t exactly incognito.” He waved toward his arm and then at Steve. “Second of all, no one, especially Hydra, is going to look at his shoulders and ass and not know who he is.” Stark grinned while Steve sputtered.

“That’s what disguises are for.”

“There ain’t no way to disguise those shoulders, dude.”

“You’d be surprised.”

Bucky definitely could not pretend to be married to Steve. It was hard enough working with him and pretending he wasn’t tripping all over himself the entire time. If he spent weeks pretending to be married to him and living with him in close quarters it would damage him permanently. He was sure of it. He would not make it out alive because he’d eventually start clinging to Steve like a baby koala only cuter, and then Steve would kill him to escape his tiny baby koala claws.

“Nope. I am noping right the fuck out of this situation.” He turned to walk out of Tony’s lab and absolutely did not melt as soon as Steve put his hand on his shoulder.

“Buck, please.”

“Why me?”

“Because Tony needs to be here. So do Clint and Natasha.”

“Why can’t Sam be your fake husband?” He wasn’t pouting or being pitiful okay? He was just looking at a scuff on the toe of his sneaker. Besides, it was a legitimate question. 

“Because unlike the rest of us, except you, Sam has an actual job that he does when he’s not running missions with us. I don’t think his groups need to suffer and have their meetings ruined because they have to get used to someone new.” Steve moved in front of Bucky and ducked down to catch his eyes. “Please, Bucky. Will you marry me?” Bucky’s stupid heart fluttered even though he knew Steve was just being a fucking punk. Steve started to drop to one knee and Bucky glared at him.

“You gonna put a ring on it?” Bucky lifted his left hand and pointed to his ring finger.

“If you’re saying yes.”

“I’m not. I can’t do that. Becca will freak the fuck out if I’m radio silent for months on end.”

“Hopefully it won’t take that long.” Steve straightened back up then pulled his phone out of his pocket and started tapping on the screen. When it buzzed seconds later, he grinned and showed the phone to Bucky. “Your sister said I could marry you and whisk you away on an extended honeymoon.”

Shit. Now he had to go. Becca would never let him live it down. No matter if he did it or not. But he honestly would rather face his fear of getting too close to Steve than his fear of Becca hounding him about being fake married to Steve constantly. Actually he wasn’t sure which one was worse. They were pretty much equal on his Freak-out Meter™.

“How long until we leave?”

Steve’s stupid smile was like the sun breaking through rain clouds. “A couple of  months. We’re still gathering intel. I thought you might want to help with that? And Tony’s going to figure something out to hide your arm. Some kind of synthetic skin or something.”

“Good. Two months will be great, because I’m still traumatized by all those Preschool Demons. It'll give me time to get past the trauma.” With that he walked out of the lab, ignoring Steve’s stupid (adorable) giggles, and headed straight to his office to start researching the little town in the middle of nowhere that Tony was nearly positive was Hydra. He wasn’t at all, in any way, shape, or form, hiding in his office to have a tiny nervous breakdown. How the fuck was he supposed to pretend to be married to Steve for who knew how long?

***

He spent the next two months hiding from the Avengers and refusing to go on missions with them while he dug up information on the small town. They’d survived before he accidentally joined them and they’d continue to survive if he didn’t go with them. Though if they actually needed him he’d have gone instead of staying back to find out everything he could about the town he was calling Stepford in honor of its creepiness.

It was creepily neat. Everything about it was wrapped up in a tiny bow. He went through all his contacts and still found out nothing about it. Yeah, it was odd. Nothing that perfect was ever real. Some families had been there since the beginning of the tiny town and others had only moved there recently. Still, all of them seemed to have some connection to the town. Maybe Stark had been right about it. Not that Bucky would ever tell him that. He’d be insufferable. Well, more than he already was, anyway.

He’d been spending all his time getting prepared to move into the town and find out what was really going on with it that he’d barely had time to freak out about having to pretend to be married to Rogers. That was until Stark sent him a packet containing a wedding band that looked like platinum, a copy of a marriage certificate saying that he and Steve, or rather James and Grant Stephens?-seriously? that’s the best they could come up with?-had gotten married a month prior, and a binder of information about their fake relationship that he had to memorize before they left. Apparently he and Steve had been together for years and wanted to settle down and start a family, so Bucky had left his job at a publishing house to be a stay at home dad while Steve continued to work, also at home, because he was a rather successful artist. He knew Steve was an artist, but how had they managed to tag his fake name on that many paintings and shows at art galleries?

But now he was freaking the fuck out because while the whole thing had been an abstract idea, it was now becoming real. Or as real as it could be under the circumstances, and Bucky was in no way prepared to live with Steve in a three bedroom cottage that was painted pastel yellow with white shutters on the windows and white trim and scrollwork appliques all over the place. It even had window boxes full of delicate flowers and flower beds full of tulips and roses.

It looked like a tiny romantic gingerbread house in the pictures. He couldn’t do it. He flipped to the next page of photos and saw a tiny herb garden in the backyard. The whole placed looked like those little cottages that people rented for Valentine’s Day or a week of antiquing. It was fucking adorable and how stereotypically gay did he and Steve need to act to pull off being the size they were and moving into a tiny cottage? Bucky felt his shoulders knocking into door jambs just from looking at the pictures.

There was a quiet knock on his office door and he blinked to adjust his eyes as he looked up from the papers. He blinked again at the sexy lumberjack standing in the doorway. Holy fuck. Holy fucking shit! He reached up to make sure he wasn’t drooling as he stared. 

“Um…hi?”

The sexy lumberjack smiled, eyes crinkling and longish hair falling over his eyes as he ducked his head with a faint blush. Holy shit. “Hey, Bucky.”

Holy shit! Steve,  _ sexy lumberjack Steve _ , had his hair dyed a darker blonde instead of his natural corn silk and had let his hair grow out long enough that he could almost tuck his bangs behind his ears. He hadn’t shaved since the last time Bucky had seen him, except to keep a heavy beard neatly trimmed. He was wearing a navy blue and black plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his forearms and a pair of faded blue jeans that may as well have been painted on for all that they hid. The black leather lug-soled boots he wore didn’t help Bucky keep his jaw off the floor. Or keep him from wishing he had beard burn in all kinds of fun places.

“You okay, Buck?” He lifted his head and Bucky nearly sighed when those blue eyes locked on his.

“Yeah,” the mouse that lived in his office squeaked. “I’m fine. Hi.” Steve smiled again and Bucky almost melted out of his chair. 

“Are you ready for this?”

“Not in the slightest.”

“Yeah. Neither am I. I don’t know why Natasha couldn’t do this. She’s better at undercover ops.”

“I can do the undercover bit. I don’t have any issues with that.”

“Then what is it?”

“I can’t be married to you.” Holy fuck, Barnes! You can’t just say that. He watched the light in Steve’s eyes dim and his shoulders slump. “I mean, it’s not you. Not like that. That sounded bad, okay. It’s just…”  _ I’m incredibly attracted to you and since I got to know you it has even worse than it was when all you were was an idea. Because you’re tired and cynical and done with everyone’s shit. And I freaking love it.  _ “I’ve never had to do this before? Not really. I mean, I did the fake boyfriend thing for a couple hours once. But not the fake married and living together thing. And the whole being a blissfully married couple wanting to adopt a baby thing is a little awkward to be honest.”

“Oh.” Steve gave him a small smile and straightened his shoulders. Was that relief? That looked like relief. Why didn’t Bucky feel relieved?

“Yeah.”

“So is it just you and me having to pretend to be married? Or the living together thing that’s bothering you?” Steve walked further into the office and closed the door. Bucky didn’t gulp when Steve locked the door, okay? He had a lump in his throat and why did Steve lock the door anyway?

“Um right …” Oh shit. What did he do? “It’s…”

“Yeah?” Steve walked even closer and Bucky’s heart thumped hard with every step, skipping a few beats before speeding up like crazy when Steve stopped next to him and leaned on the edge of his desk, crossing his arms over his chest and his legs at the ankle in a move that brought his thighs together and perfectly framed his dick. The mouse in Bucky’s office whimpered and then fainted right off Bucky’s unicorn and fell onto a tiny fainting couch. “Buck?”

“Um…the whole...well…I mean…you realize we’re gonna have to kiss in front of people and stuff right? Like…they’ll expect us to be all squishy with each other and stuff. Which, you know, newlyweds so…”

“Is that going to be a problem?”

Yes. No. Maybe. “Will it for you?”

“If I wasn’t willing to kiss you it might.”

“What?” What! What the hell was that supposed to mean? Did Steve like him? Bucky had thought he was straight this whole time. Was he bi? Gay? Curious? Bucky could deal with any of those, but he couldn’t deal with Rogers only kissing him because he had to. He could only blink when Rogers stood and leaned down over him. 

“It won’t be a problem for me.” He reached forward and cupped Bucky’s cheek in his hand like he had a few times before when wiping soot or blood from his face. Unlike those other times though, Steve grazed his thumb, feather light, over Bucky’s bottom lip and then tugged it down gently. Bucky gulped, his heart thudding painfully against his ribs, forcing his tongue to stay inside his mouth and not flick over the tip of Steve’s thumb. Forcing himself not to close his lips around that thumb and give Steve a preview of what he could do with his mouth. “May I?”

_ Sure pal, whatever you want. _ Bucky thought he said it in his head, but he might’ve said it out loud if the grin Steve gave him was any indication. Steve lowered his thumb, slid his hand down to grip Bucky’s chin and brushed their lips together lightly. Steve closed his eyes as his lips moved over Bucky’s, but Bucky kept his open, making sure that this was really happening and not some weird fever dream or wishful thinking. Christ those eyelashes should be fuckin’ illegal. His lips too, Bucky added when Steve changed the angle of the kiss making his beard scrape against Bucky’s skin as his tongue flicked out against his lips. Fuuuck. By the time Bucky remembered he was supposed to be kissing Steve back the blonde pulled back with a small grin, eyes fluttering open.

“You blush like that every time I kiss you people’ll get suspicious.”

“I’m not blushing. I don’t blush.” Since when was he blushing? He lifted a hand and poked at his cheek and felt how warm his face was. “Oh.”

“Guess I’ll have to kiss you as much as I can before we leave. See if you can get over it.”

Huh? He was going to die. “Okay.” The Southern Belle was back, but at least the mouse was still passed out on its tiny fainting couch. Steve gave him a quick peck on the lips then turned and walked to the door, unlocking it and then opening it slowly.

“Only have a couple days before we leave.”

Bucky nodded, blinking slowly. What the hell could he even say after all that?

“See you later, Buck.”

“Okay.”

Steve gave him a gentle smile then walked out of his office, closing the door behind him. Bucky waited until he was sure Steve was gone then slid out of his chair and straight under his desk with his fingers over his lips.

“Damn. Rogers has moves when he wants to. Not bad for an old man.”

Bucky jumped and flailed, hitting his head against the bottom of his desk when he heard Stark’s voice coming from his phone. “Jesus Christ! The fuck!”

“Well, I was going to ask you if you wanted to come up for lunch, but I uh…think you’ll probably be needing some alone time right now.”

“Shut up.” Bucky looked around under his desk until he found the phone cord and jerked it out of the wall. “Jesus.” He curled into a ball and whimpered. The fuck had just happened?

When he finally managed to bring himself to crawl out from under his desk he marched straight out of his office and to the common floor hoping that Tony was still there. He had to tell him he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t pretend to be married to Steve. No matter what the op was. His stupid heart thumped painfully just thinking about how easy it would be to fall in love with Steve’s fucking reckless ass. Especially if they were having to pretend to be in love to begin with. This was one job Bucky wasn’t sure he could do. Especially because he was pretty sure he was already in love with Steve.

“Stark!” He walked onto the common floor where everyone was surrounding the large table with a spread of takeout boxes covering it from end to end.

“Kid.”

“I need to talk to you. Now.”

Tony nodded, looking slightly worried, and then followed Bucky back out of the room and into the elevator. Bucky hit the button for his floor and then slammed his hand on the stop button between two floors after a few moments.

“I can’t do this.”

“It’s just an elevator?”

Bucky groaned tangling his hands in his hair. “That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it.”

“Look, it’s just for a little bit. If it doesn’t pan out after a couple weeks come home.”

“A couple weeks isn’t long enough to insinuate ourselves into that damn community. I can’t…I can’t do it, Tony. You know how much I…” He trailed off shaking his head. “Send Romanov.”

“I just thought it was a crush, Barnes. Hero worship. I didn’t realize.”

“Christ. It was. He’s fucking gorgeous, Tony. I always thought that, but after I got to know him? The real him? Not that stupid fucking mask he constantly wears. He’s just as tired of everyone’s shit as I am. I…you’d think me bitching at him constantly when he does stupid shit would’ve been a clue. And the fuck was that kiss about? Yeah, I know we’re gonna have to kiss if I do go, which I’m not gonna, but that?”

“He likes to go all in.” Tony shrugged. “Besides, Rogers always does stupid shit. We’ve just given up bitching him out about it because no matter how epically fucking stupid his non-plans are, they always fucking work. He’s more settled with you on the team, though.”

“Great. He’s more and I’m less. I don’t think I can pretend to live in domestic bliss without falling for my own con, okay.”

“Look, kid, I don’t know what to tell you about the love department, if you hadn’t noticed I’m a fucking mess, but I do know that Romanov, no matter how good she is, wouldn’t be able to do this as well as you could. She doesn’t know the intel and even she would need more than two days to study it. You’ve spent two months getting ready for this. You’re a better actor than you give yourself credit for. You can do this.”

“I’m done after this, Stark. If this ends as badly as I’m pretty sure it’s gonna, I’m done.”

“Yeah. Yeah. Okay. This ends as bad as you think, I’ll send you wherever you want to go with enough money and booze to last the rest of your life.”

Bucky nodded with a grim smile. “You aren’t so bad, Stark.”

“Fuck, don’t tell anyone.”

“Sure.” Bucky smirked then swept the older man into a tight hug, laughing and holding him tightly as he struggled to get away.

“No touchy!”

“Sure, Kuzco.” Bucky squeezed him until his back popped then turned him loose. Stark slapped his hand on the stop button to start the elevator back.

“Go home. Do what you need to do then come back in the morning. We’ll get your gear together.”

“No, I got another file to finish putting together. I’m going to do that and then I’m going to go throw up because that’ll mean I’m done with my cushy office job forever. After this it’s…Steve 24/7. And how the hell did you guys manage to get him all those fake gallery shows and the paintings and shit?”

Tony only blinked at him for a few moments then giggled. “Those are really him. His. Those are his paintings and gallery shows. Google his suburban dad name and see.”

“So he uses that super shitty fake name and what, doesn’t go to his own shows to make it more mysterious?”

“Pretty much.”

“Huh.” He turned to the side and squeezed himself into the front left corner of the elevator where no one would see him when it stopped. So Steve wouldn’t see him. He never realized how much of a coward he was until this very minute.

“Come eat something. You’re acting weird again and I’ve noticed that you do this when you haven’t eaten anything in a couple hours.”

“Fuck off, Stark. I’m not hungry.”

“Not for food at least,” Stark murmured as the doors slid open. “You’re hungry for…Rogers! Come get your husband out of the elevator! Make him eat something!” Tony grinned at Bucky. “Or maybe thirsty is more accurate.” He cackled evilly and walked out of the elevator while whistling something that sounded vaguely like For Whom the Bell Tolls by Metallica. Bucky was going to kill him. He jabbed every button in the elevator, hitting the button to close the doors but they stubbornly stayed open and none of the floors lit up like they should have.

“J!”

“Forgive me, Mr. Barnes. It seems my systems are temporarily offline.”

“If they were offline you couldn’t talk, you asshole!”

“Bucky, hey. Come eat.” Steve reached into the elevator and pulled Bucky out of it and into his arms even as Bucky struggled against him so he could stay to cuss out JARVIS for being a traitor. “Come on, doll.”

“What?” What fucking doll? The hell was Steve talking about?

“Come eat.” Steve gripped Bucky’s chin between this thumb and pointer finger then leaned in and kissed him. Bucky did absolutely nothing that could be described as eerily similar to every chick flick ever and fall into Steve as their lips melded together. He didn’t. He just didn’t want to bitch at the elevator anymore and he was kind of tired, so he was leaning into Steve to let him take his weight. “You’re blushing again,” Steve murmured, shifting his hand to cup Bucky’s cheek.

“I’m not blushing. You’re blushing.”

“Sure, Buck.” Steve kissed him again, practically clutching Bucky against him. He didn’t stop until he heard catcalling from the peanut gallery, then grinned at Bucky and let go of him. Bucky definitely did not almost fall on his face once Steve wasn’t holding him up anymore and he absolutely did not stumble after Steve to the table, wobbling and shaking like a drunken Norwegian moose.

Bucky sat next to Steve where they’d conveniently left a seat open for him and grabbed an open beer, not caring whose it was.

“The wedding is tonight,” Natasha murmured in his ear and he choked on the beer, wheezing and clutching his chest. Sam glared at him, wiping the spray of beer from his face.

“What wedding?”

“Yours and Steve’s. Becca’s coming. She’s your Maid of Honor. Tony’s bringing in a photographer.”

“For a fake wedding?”

“Might as well make it look real.”

“But the marriage license is already forged and I already got my ring.”

“You’re going to need pictures.”

“There’s this thing called Photoshop. Grab some pictures off Google and fix them.”

“If we can find wedding photos on Google so can anyone else. This has to be as airtight as possible.”

“Do I get a suit?”

“Yeah. Your hubby picked it out for you.”

“Steve? Old man Steve who sometimes still wears khakis even when we tell him not to?”

“Yeah. It’s nice actually. And it’s already fitted off of your measurements.”

“Oh, God.” He sat his beer bottle aside and buried his face in his hands. “Why me?”

“Clint and I have things to do. Bruce is a dork and has no chill for things like this. Tony’s Tony. Sam has a real job.”

“I have a real job!”

“Of course you do, Buck.” Steve patted his shoulder sympathetically and Bucky groaned realizing that Steve heard him complaining about his fucking khakis again. Steve placed a carton in front of him and Bucky looked in it to see some tiny spare ribs and a pair of chopsticks.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome, baby. I know how much you like them.”

Bucky ducked his head to hide his blush and Steve cackled loudly, drawing everyone’s attention to them. Stupid Steve.

***

Bucky was glaring at the suit hanging on the back of the door. Or more correctly the bag in which the suit was hung. He still hadn’t looked at the damn thing, afraid Steve had picked out some horrible old man suit, but mostly he hadn’t looked at it because in less than thirty minutes he was going to be James Stephens. Stupidest fucking name ever. How was no one supposed to realize who they were with stupidass names like that? Jeez. And he’d have to live with it for at least a couple months. Ugh.

There was a quiet knock on the door and he sighed. He knew it was his sister coming to see if he was ready. “Come in, Becca.”

She walked in, shutting the door quickly behind her and glared at him. “Why aren’t you dressed yet? You’ve only got fifteen minutes to make yourself presentable! This is a wedding damn it! The only one you may ever fucking get and if you don’t get on the ball I’m going to strangle you with my fucking purse!”

He glanced over at the horrible pink flower printed purse hanging off her shoulder and sighed at her. “Who brings an actual purse to a wedding? If anything you should have a clutch. Small, unassuming; it’s open bar so you don’t need cash. Just backup makeup. Lipstick, eyeliner, mascara, foundation, those little makeup removing wipes so you can do touch-ups.”

She rolled her eyes. “God, you’re so gay.”

“Whatever, give me your eyeliner and mascara. And it’s a fake wedding.”

Becca handed him her purse instead of digging them out he rolled his eyes then walked over to the little lighted vanity. “Have you even looked at your suit yet?”

“No. I’m sure it’s some disaster. Natasha said Steve picked it out and we’ve all seen how his mind works around fashion.”

“Still with the khakis?”

“Not so much lately, but yes. I think he wears them to drive me crazy.” He watched his sister in the mirror as he swiped on his mascara and saw her move to the bag where his suit was hanging. He saw a flash of silvery blue as she tugged the zipper down and he focused his gaze back on his eyes to put his liner on and make sure it wasn’t heavier on one eye than the other. “That’s all I’m doing.”

“No it’s not. There’s some lip gloss in there. That one kind you like that’s not sticky. It’s strawberry flavored.”

“I don’t need gloss.”

“Buck, your lips are chapped all to hell because you keep chewing on them. Besides, I think Steve’ll like it.” He glared at her and she dropped the bag from around his suit. “Oh, my God.”

“Is it horrible? I said it would be horrible.” He kept his eyes everywhere but near the suit and glided the wand from the lip gloss over his lips.

“No. It’s fucking gorgeous. Holy shit this is silk. That one kind with the little bumps and lines on it.”

“Dupioni.”

“Yeah.”

“The little bumps are called slubs.”

“Are you even sure you like women anymore?”

“No. And you can’t say shit like that. It’s offensive.”

“Not to you.”

“Only because it’s you.”

“Come look at your suit, damn it!”

He sighed figuring he’d fucked around as long as she was going to let him, then stood and walked over to the door to glare at his suit. “Oh.” His glare changed to a look of wonder as he stared at the shining silk. It was an icy blue grey, a shade or two lighter than his own eyes. “My god, this is gorgeous.” He reached up, skimming his fingers over the fabric. “Wow.”

“Steve did good, huh?”

“Y…” Jeez, he couldn’t even talk. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Yeah. It’s amazing. This had to be so fucking expensive. I mean, feel how soft this is. A lot of dupioni is rough, but this? Fucking amazing.” He lifted the hanger from the hook on the door and walked away from Becca without waiting for an answer or bothering to listen even if she’d given him one.

How much attention had Steve really paid him that he’d gotten a suit that almost matched Bucky’s eyes? That he’d spend that much attention to detail and get a tie and vest that did match his eyes? Why was Steve watching him so closely anyway? Not like Steve was actually interested in him.

He stepped behind the changing screen, hung up the suit, and stripped out of his jeans and t-shirt, still slightly weirded out by the sight of his left arm not being silver for once. Tony’s synthetic skin sleeve thingy was amazing and perfectly matched his other arm. Bucky almost cried the first time they’d tried it on him. And Tony, annoying pain in the ass Tony, had actually been human for once and patted Bucky on the shoulder and made some stupid fucking joke to take his mind off of it.

“Buck?”

“I’m fine.” He took a shuddering breath in and adjusted the waistband of his boxer briefs, then took the pants for his suit off the hanger and stepped into them. Holy fuck. They had not been made off of his measurements. At least not the measurements from his gear. Had Steve measured him while he was sleeping or something? They fit perfectly. Hugging his hips and thighs and ass. It was like he’d taken a good two inches off of Bucky’s uniform.

“Are you dying?”

“Shut up, Becca. Jeez. I’m having a moment here.” Or had been having one at least. He sighed and pulled on the white dress shirt next, forcing his fingers to quit trembling because he was being epically stupid and getting nervous for no damn reason because this wedding was a fucking sham. Even if it was the only wedding he might ever have, it was still fucking fake and meaningless. He growled at the tiny voice in his head that said, ‘yeah, but what if it’s not?’.

He pulled on the rest of his suit and tried not to fixate on how well it fit him and how beautiful it was. He’d never wear anything like this ever again. Might as well make the most of it. He put his shoes on and walked out from behind the changing screen, at which point Becca gasped, tears coming to her eyes and a hand flying over her mouth. “Yeah. I know.”

“You look beautiful, Jammies.”

“So do you, Becca. I didn’t say it earlier.”

“It’s okay. I want to hug you but I’ll mess up your suit.”

“Or get snot all over it.” She snorted and punched his shoulder.

“Asshole.”

“Yeah.”

There was another gentle knock on the door and Natasha poked her head in with a smile as she looked him over. “Are you ready?”

“Nope.”

“Good, come on.” She opened the door the rest of the way then walked in and took his hand. “Becca, go ahead and wait by the doors, I need to talk to him for a minute.” Becca nodded, then kissed his cheek and left.

“Are you okay?” Natasha asked quietly. Bucky shook his head, not speaking for fear he’d break down crying. “You look so sad. It’s not real, James, you know that.”

“It’s not that.”

“I know.” She gave him a small smile then pulled his head down to her shoulder, giggling quietly when he was folded over nearly in half. “This is going to be hard for you, but you can do it. Everything will work out in the end.”

“I can’t do this. I can’t. I thought…I don’t know what I thought, but I can’t. I love him, Tasha. And I can’t…this can’t…not when…he doesn’t…”

“Shh.” She shushed him gently and began carding her fingers through his hair. “It’s going to be okay, Bucky. After it’s over we’ll grab a couple bottles of the good stuff and hide out okay? You and me and Becca. We’ll eat ice cream and paint our nails. Watch a movie or something.” Bucky snorted against her shoulder and nodded with a heavy sigh as he pulled away from her. She kissed his cheek and gave him a reassuring smile.

“Sorry. I just…”

“Yeah.” She gave him another smile and walked him to the doors he was supposed to walk through when his stupid song started playing. He didn’t even know what fucking song it was but it better fucking not be White Wedding or that one from Game of Thrones that everyone kept tossing around. “Buck up, Buck.”

He rolled his eyes and pinched her arm. “Oh, ha. You’re so funny,” he murmured giving her a annoyed look. “How long have you been waiting to say that, Natasha?”

“A while,” she said with a chuckle. She squeezed his shoulder then slid through the doors, leaving him alone with Becca once more.

“Are you okay, Jammies?”

“I’m fine, Becks. Just nervous.”

“I would be too. Lucky me, all I have to do is stand there and look pretty. You gotta recite vows and shit. To Steve. The guy you been crushing on for years. Whom you work with on a regular basis. Whose babies you want to have.”

“Rebecca!”

“Sorry. I can’t help it. I know it’s fake, but oh my God you’re marrying Steve Rogers.” She squeed, jumping up and down and he sighed. At least she was taking his mind off of how much of a shit show this was going to be.

“Still don’t know why we gotta do this bullshit anyway. Why does no one believe in Photoshop anymore?”

Classical music started playing, Bucky wasn’t sure what it was, and Becca grinned, pecked him on the cheek then walked through the doors when they opened. They shut almost immediately, but not before she turned around to give him a thumbs up with wide eyes. What the hell was that for?

The music changed not long after, another classical piece that he had no idea what it was, but he imagined it sounding like Chopin’s Funeral March regardless. He took a steadying breath and walked through the doors as they opened. He looked to find his sister and frowned slightly when she kept waving toward Steve. He raised a brow and her waving hand flailed more. He rolled his eyes at her and finally looked toward Steve and holy fucking shit! What the fuck? He pressed a hand to his nervous stomach, trying to steady himself because he thought he might pass right the fuck out.

Sexy lumberjack Steve looked fucking gorgeous. He was wearing a suit the same shade of blue as his stealth suit, fitted to him perfectly; accentuating his broad shoulders and tiny waist. Clinging obscenely to his hips and thighs. It was made from dupioni silk, like Bucky’s, and as beautiful as Bucky thought his suit was, Steve’s was even more beautiful. For some reason that dark blue brought out the sky blue of Steve’s eyes and Bucky kind of found himself falling into them even from across the room. His eyes sparkled as he smiled, and Bucky felt himself drifting closer, his body on autopilot while his mind froze on how perfect Steve looked in that blue suit and white shirt and vest and the tie that matched the muted blue grey of his shield when it was painted for night ops. How the fuck could one man be that beautiful?

Bucky blinked back tears because he knew Becca and Stark would make fun of him for crying. Natasha too, but she’d comfort him first, probably. Clint and Sam and Bruce would give him commiserating half smiles. But Steve? Steve would give him one those stupidly endearing looks of confusion and then try to comfort him which would only make him cry more because his life was fucking unfair and he was fake marrying a man he wanted to marry for real, but Steve didn’t look at him like that. Didn’t think of him like that. No matter what he’d said about it not being an issue if he had to kiss Bucky. You could kiss people you didn’t feel anything for. People did it all the time.

Steve’s smile had softened into something Bucky couldn’t decipher by the time he reached the platform. Steve reached out when Bucky only stood there, waiting for Bucky to place his hand in his.  Bucky took a steadying breath, then slid his palm against Steve’s. Steve clutched his hand tightly and Bucky bit back a yelp when Steve tugged him up on the platform. Becca giggled but he barely heard it over the pounding of his heart. He was afraid Steve could hear it. Could feel how his pulse raced when the tips of his fingers glanced over Bucky’s wrist.

They turned into each other automatically, the way they fought together even though they’d only officially trained together once and only fought together on the ground once. It felt like something sliding home even though it shouldn’t have. Bucky couldn’t tear his eyes away from Steve’s, barely heard what their fake Justice of the Peace was saying as they recited their fake vows to each other, barely noticed when they exchanged their rings, but he damn sure noticed when Steve pulled him close and brushed their lips together in a gentle kiss. A kiss he then deepened enough for their tongues to slide together and let them both taste the strawberry gloss that Becca had brought him that tasted like fresh, sweet strawberries. Steve’s grip on him tightened with a surprised gasp and somehow Bucky’s hands wound up tangled in Steve’s hair. He hadn’t even been aware that he’d moved. It wasn’t their first kiss, wouldn’t be their last kiss, and maybe he was getting caught up in their fake marriage already, but if he was then so was Steve, because fake kissing didn’t feel like this. He was losing his shit, he decided. There was no way Steve felt anything for him. His heart clenched painfully even as he tightened his grip on Steve's hair and deepened their kiss. Even if he couldn't tell Steve how much he loved him, kissing him and pretending he was faking it for their wedding photos was something he  _ could _ do. Even if it fucking hurt.

A loud clearing of a throat broke them apart and Bucky blinked at the Fakey Justice, wondering just how many times the guy had cleared his throat before they’d heard him. The guy only smiled at him and pronounced them married, while Becca, Natasha, Sam, Clint, Bruce and Tony cheered overexcitedly. Awesome. Bucky’s heart was broken; he was still reeling from that kiss, and now he had to pretend he wasn’t falling to pieces as they posed for photos and drank champagne and ate a beautiful cake that tasted like dust in his mouth.

He could deal with this. He’d have to. He was a grown man and could push his feelings aside in order to do what needed to be done. It was for a mission. Nothing else mattered but that. And later, as a reward for going along with this farce, he, his sister, and Natasha were going to paint each other’s nails and get blindingly drunk while they whined about stupid boys and ate ice cream.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The drunken Norwegian moose thing is real. I read an article about drunken moose on the Aftenposten website forever ago. I think it was Aftenposten. One of the Norwegian newspapers anyway.


	9. A Lick and a Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A hangover, giant alligators, Jaws references, and man eating pandas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw Infinity War. I'm not okay.
> 
> Also thank you to whitewolfbucky and shout-out-into-the-void on tumblr for the beta-ing. <3

 

 

“I’m dying.”

Bucky groaned when he heard Becca whining from somewhere to his left.

“No, you’re not,” Natasha grumbled from his right and he frowned, trying to get his eyes to cooperate and open so he could see where they were. He thought they might be on a giant bed, but it could’ve been the floor in the training room for all he knew.

After the fakey wedding where he’d gotten a little, teeny, tiny bit maudlin and had forced himself to pretend to be unaffected while posing for pictures and slicing the three tiered wedding cake that had been decorated with red, white, and blue candy dots, he, Natasha, and Becca had escaped with various bottles of liquor and a punch bowl. He wasn’t sure where they’d wound up because he had started drinking before the elevator doors had closed on them and he definitely didn’t know where they were right now. All he knew, was that he was fairly certain something had died in his mouth, his brain felt like it had been squished through a sieve, and he was sprawled out on his back like a starfish with a bottle in his hand.

His eyes finally opened and he blinked blearily at the exposed girders in the ceiling. Training room floor then. At least it was comfortable.

“Jammies? You alive?”

“No.” He turned his head toward his sister with a wince when the room began to spin and saw Becca slumped over one of the weight benches and cradling the now empty punch bowl to her chest. She looked like he felt. He was pretty sure the punch bowl had been refilled a couple of times. Twice that he knew of and they hadn’t tried to mix the booze for taste. They’d just dumped in random bottles and hoped for the best. Worst. Whatever.

“Tasha?”

“I think I’m still drunk.”

“Awesome.” Bucky lifted the bottle in his hand to see what exactly he was holding and blinked at the hot pink holographic glitter nail polish on the fingers wrapped around the neck of the Gran Patrón Burdeos bottle. Looked like they’d gotten around to painting their nails at least. “Did we cry over boys?”

“Yes. And demolished a bodega’s worth of Ben and Jerry’s. Also, I feel I should warn you,” she trailed off and he immediately started to panic.

“What? Did we make out?” He hoped he hadn’t made out with Natasha. He definitely didn’t feel any sort of tingles when he looked at her. Not like he did with Steve.

“No.” He wanted to utter a ‘thank God’ but he knew better. She’d kill him. “You mixed Steve a drink you called A Lick and a Promise and took it to him at three in the morning. We tried to stop you, but probably not as hard as we should have.”

“The fuck is A Lick and a Promise? Things I said I wanted to do to him?”

“Yeah, but it’s a drink too apparently. Anyway, you came back drunker than when you left and your lips were all swollen so I’m pretty sure you got your licks in. Don’t know about the promise though.”

He whimpered, carefully rolling over onto his side and taking a drink from the bottle still clutched in his hand. “Drunk me made out with Steve?”

“Apparently so. At least, I hope it was Steve. If not, you'll have to explain to your husband why you made out with someone else on your wedding night.” Bucky could hear the laughter in Natasha’s voice.

“J,” Bucky whined pitifully. “Please tell me it was Steve.” Dear God don’t let it have been Tony. Or Sam. Or Bruce. Or Clint. Maybe Thor if he’d shown up at some point. Drunk making out with Thor might be fun, even if the little thumps his heart used to make when he saw him only happened for Steve now.

“I do not have access to Captain Rogers’s apartment; however I can assure you that he was alone when you brought him his drink.”

“Awesome. How long, exactly, was I in his apartment?”

“Twenty minutes, Sergeant.” Bucky took another swig out of the bottle. How could he have possibly made out with Steve for twenty minutes?

“Are you sure I didn’t make out with anyone else?”

“Yes, Sergeant Barnes.”

“Okay. Thank you.” He sat the bottle down then rolled back over to stare up at the ceiling. “I drunkenly made out with Steve and don’t even remember it.” He whimpered again.

“That sucks, but at least you got to make out with him at the altar.” He lifted one hand and flipped off Rebecca.

“Yeah, that was hot.” Natasha giggled as Bucky clutched his imaginary pearls and glared at her. “What? It was hot. You two look good together. Becca would probably think it was hot if you weren’t involved too.”

“Ugh.”

“I mean…if you weren’t my brother you’d probably be aesthetically appealing and Steve’s so fucking fine. So…maybe.”

“Oh, my God. Becca shut up.” She giggled then groaned. “Ha.”

Bucky needed to come up with a plan. As soon as he was over his hangover he was going to think of a way to avoid Steve for the rest of his life. He probably threw himself at him and declared his undying love or some shit and Steve was probably mortified. Bucky was mortified on Steve’s behalf as well as his own. Still, he’d find a way to avoid Steve. Even being stuck together for at least a few weeks, Bucky would figure it out. As soon as he took a shower and downed two of the painkillers he’d gotten from Steve.

Alarms began to blare before he could peel himself off of the floor and he groaned and slapped his hands over his ears.

“Looks like the honeymoon is going to have to wait,” Stark said when his face popped up overhead. “You’ve seen _Lake Placid_ , right kid?”

“Yuh.”

“Ok. Let’s just say there’s something similar going on in Louisiana that may or may not involve the dumping of toxic waste.”

“Wasn’t that an episode of Scooby Doo or something?”

“Dunno. Suit up. We need everyone on this.”

“Man…fuck Louisiana.”

***

Two hours later Bucky had yet to perfect his plan for avoiding his fake husband and was currently squished up against Sam as they poured over reports of an eighty-foot long alligator in a Louisiana swamp somewhere. Bucky didn’t know what the hell was going on, other than an inkling that Steve was going to let himself get eaten again. Seemed like most of his non-plans involved being eaten or nearly dying. One day Bucky was not going to save him or chew his ass for it if he managed to live. Then Steve would be sorry that he’d put Bucky through so much drama.

He peeked at the blonde from over the top of the tablet Sam was holding and saw Steve quickly looking away from him. Yeah, he knew that look. Steve was feeling awkward because Drunk Bucky had kissed him and had done and said God knows what else. He’d probably embarrassed himself and Steve immensely. He wanted to know what he’d said and done, but was too afraid and embarrassed to ask Steve.

“We’re almost there,” Natasha called from the cockpit. “Ten minutes. Get ready.”

Bucky watched Steve as the taller man  stood and adopted his usual Captain Fight Me stance, sliding into that stupid persona Bucky hated so much now that he knew the real Steve Rogers. “Buck, I want you as far away from this one as you can get.”

“What? That’s bullshit.”

“And Rebecca will kill me if I let her brother get eaten. Keep your distance, if you get a shot, take it, but I don’t want you up close on this one.”

“So you’re comfortable letting everyone else potentially get eaten except for me?”

“Of course not, Buck.”

“Then I don’t understand.”

Steve sighed heavily, shoulders slumping, and flicked his eyes to Stark then back to Bucky. He made his away across the jet and brushed his thumb over Bucky’s cheek. “Please, Buck. Stay back on this one.”

 _Damn it, Steve!_ “I’ll stay in the trees, but if you need me on the ground, whether you’ll admit it or not, I’m going to be on the ground.” Ha! He’d sort of managed to tell Steve no.

“Last resort, okay?” Bucky nodded and didn’t at all sigh wistfully or blush when Steve leaned down and brushed their lips together. “You’re still blushing.”

Okay…so maybe the look in Steve’s eyes when he’d caught Bucky looking wasn’t awkwardness. Maybe he liked Drunk Bucky. Found him amusing or something. Maybe Bucky was a better kisser when he was drunk.

“Shuddup, Steve.”

***

“Seriously! Fuck Louisiana,” Bucky screamed (it definitely was not a screech) as he ran away from the giant alligator that seemed immune to everything they’d thrown at it. He was going to have to make Stark give him better tiny rockets. He’d shot the damn alligator in the eye from his perch in a tree, thinking that he’d actually be able to kill the damned thing like that, but somehow it had only pissed the alligator off and it had come after him, weirdly seeming to know exactly where he was and knocking him right out of his tree. Now he was running and wading for his life while Hulk rode the alligator and Sam wove his way through the trees trying to catch up to them. Steve caught up first, hit the alligator in the head with his shield, and then wrapped an arm around Bucky and threw him at a thick wall of trees.

He managed to catch himself before hitting them face first, and scaled up the tallest tree, perching awkwardly as he pulled his rifle off of his back and tried to line up a shot. “I’d kill for an air tank right now.”

“Jaws?”

“Yep.”

“You’re going to need a bigger boat.” Steve took a desperate second to grin at Bucky as he said it and Bucky giggled.

“Bring it this way a little bit.” Steve led the pissed off gator closer to Bucky and he took a steadying breath.

“I got you a wedding present, kid!” Tony flew past him holding a tank of some kind in his hands and then chucked it in the alligator’s mouth. Hulk roared and then jumped away from the alligator.

“Duck, Steve!” Bucky grinned as the alligator bit down on the tank at the same moment that Steve ducked behind his shield. “Smile, you son of a bitch!” He shot the tank with a demented giggle when it exploded, sending alligator pieces flying and splattering against the surrounding trees. Its body collapsed with a thunderous sound and death throes and Bucky heard a muffled yelp. “Steve? Anyone got eyes on Rogers?” He jumped down from his tree, dodging flailing limbs and found Steve half buried under several tons of alligator. “Shit! Steve?”

Tony and Sam landed and Clint and Natasha appeared out of the tree line. All of them looking a little battered and bruised. They rushed over and Tony helped Bucky and Hulk lift enough of the alligator for Sam and Clint to pull Steve free. Natasha grabbed his shield and they let the gator drop. Bucky immediately dropped to his knees next to Steve, shoving Sam and Clint out of the way.

“Steve? You okay?” What if he’d killed Steve when he blew the stupid reptile up? Steve groaned, opened his eyes and smiled dopily at Bucky through the mud and the muck on his face. Thank fuck.

“Could use a drink.”

“Me too, buddy.” Bucky smiled back at his fakey husband.

“I think…I think I need some Gatorade.”

“Are you…did you…Jesus.” Bucky palmed Steve’s face, shoving his head back into the mud. “Fucking Gatorade.”

“Snap out of it, Buck.”

“Shuddup.” He bit his bottom lip to keep from laughing at Steve’s stupid puns and shook his head. “Moron.” He helped Steve sit up, holding onto him when the blonde wobbled with a pained grimace.

“Oh, snap! That hurts.”

Bucky immediately dropped him and stomped away from him before he did something stupid like punch him or kiss him or both. Steve cackled hysterically and Bucky flipped him off, then started marching through the muck to get to the jet.

“Don’t snap, Buck.”

“Jesus, Steve! Shut up.”

“Hey, what do you call an alligator with GPS? A navigator!” Steve giggled again and as bad as it sounded, Bucky kind of hoped Steve kept making all the shitty alligator puns because of a head injury. There wasn’t any other excuse that was good enough for that.

“So, do we just leave this here or what,” Clint asked. Bucky heard a thump and turned around to see Clint kicking the alligator. “I mean...no one’s going to be able to eat it.”

“Gross.”

“Fried alligator is actually really good,” Bucky murmured, walking back over and completely ignoring Steve and his stupid puns and stupid gorgeous muck-covered face. “You get a little bowl of ranch dressing and sprinkle a little seasoning salt on top of it and then dip the pieces in it. It’s great.”

“We’re gonna have to burn it,” Stark said, lifting off of the ground a little and looking around. “Here’s as good a place as any. We won’t have to move it. Nothing will burn that’s not supposed to. Probably.”

Bucky snorted then shook his head. “I’m going to the jet before Steve makes more puns. You gonna get samples first? Find out why it was the way it was?”

“Yeah, we should. Why don’t you take Rogers with you? He looks a little woozy.”

Bucky turned to look at Steve and saw him wobbling slightly - he probably actually had hit his head at some point while being squished under the gator - then sighed and held his hand out. “Come on.” Steve made his way over and Bucky wrapped his arm around Steve’s waist, letting him lean on him and began to walk them back to the jet.

“See ya later, alligator.” Steve laughed as he waved over his shoulder.

“Goddammit, Steve.”

***

“Are you all right, Buck?”

“Yeah. I’m fine, Steve.”

“I threw you kind of hard at the trees.”

Bucky shrugged, swiping at the mud and moss and alligator bits that were embedded in the plates of his arm. He was going to have to go to a fucking car wash to clean it out.

“I'm fine.”

“You're quiet.”

Bucky snorted and flicked a piece of alligator out of the open hatch. “I'm still hungover.”

“Did you three party that hard?”

Party? No. Whine about how stupidly he was in love with Steve? Yes. “Maybe.” And how the hell was he supposed to avoid Steve when he was stuck in the same room as him? He'd figure it out eventually, but until then he was stuck pretending he didn't know Drunk Bucky had made out with Steve and God knew what else. There were a million scenarios running through his head of what could have happened, none of them good. “I just want to go home and take a shower. Wash the swamp out of my hair.”

“And the alligator bits,” Steve murmured, picking something gross out of Bucky’s hair and flicking it away. “What was that tank that Tony threw anyway?”

“No clue. Probably something we’ll actually need at some point and not have because we blew an alligator up with it.”

“It was very Jaws.”

“Yeah,” Bucky grinned. “It was amazing.” Steve smiled back and Bucky couldn’t help the quiet sigh that left him. Why was Steve so fucking cute? Even covered in ick and swamp he was fuckin’ gorgeous.

“The tank was acetylene. I use it when I weld. And we’ve been here for ten minutes now and neither one of you noticed.” Tony stomped his way onto the jet, followed by Natasha, Sam, Bruce, and Clint, and Bucky jerked away from Steve, finally realizing how close they’d been standing together. Obviously Steve had been standing close to him because he’d been helping pick twigs and shit out of his hair, but he hadn’t noticed that there were only a couple inches between them until now. How had they gotten that close together without him realizing? It was like gravity or something drawing them together.

“Stark. You haven’t been there long enough to burn the alligator.” Was it just Bucky or did Steve’s voice sound kind of husky? Like he had a sore throat or something? Weird.

“No. Well, we set fire to it, but we got another call so there are first responders and fire crews out there watching it burn. How do you feel about pandas?”

Bucky and Steve shared a confused look then shrugged. “Pandas are cute,” Steve murmured.

***

“I take it back! Pandas are not fucking cute!”

Bucky let out a horrified giggle as Steve knocked out a giant mutant panda with his shield. They were going for non-lethal this time around because at one point these creepy man eating pandas had been adorable regular pandas and they needed all the pandas they could get. Bucky didn’t know what had happened or who had done what to the pandas, but Tony and Bruce would figure it out.

“Is there actually anything I can do here besides watch you beat up cute fluffy animals?” Even if said cute fluffy animals were like rabid or something and had blood dripping from their faces.

“Not really. I mean, you could come punch one if you wanted. Becca probably won’t be too mad about it. Unless you get bitten and turn into a radioactive panda.”

Creepy, but still cute. “I don’t want to be a radioactive panda, Steve.”

“Okay, then.”

“Besides, I’d be like some kind of human/panda hybrid and I’m not sure that would be okay. Would I be like a werewolf and shift into a panda? Or would I be a panda with human intelligence and the power to eat bamboo all day? Would I have even more pronounced dark circles around my eyes?”

Steve laughed and shook his head and then threw himself in the middle of a pack of pandas. Was it a pack? A herd? A flock? A murder? Bucky didn't know, but a murder of pandas might be a little on the nose for this one.

He heard Steve yelp and jumped down from his tree throwing himself in the middle of the pandas and punching his way to Steve, leaving a pile of knocked out pandas in his wake. When he reached him, Steve was knocking out the last panda and then slapping a hand over a bite on his arm.

“Stupid ass! Now you're going to be the radioactive panda!”

“I don't want to be a panda, Buck.”

“Well you shoulda thought of that before you jumped in like that!”

“It worked though!”

“And your dumbass is going to be a fucking Werepanda now!” Steve was going to give him a heart attack. Especially when he turned into a giant rage panda and started eating people. Bucky would have to punch him in the head to get him to stop. He’d finally have a good enough excuse to punch Steve for being stupid.

Steve honest to god whimpered and Bucky couldn't help the pout that came to his face. He pulled Steve into a hug, figuring he wasn't going to be able to actually avoid him like he wanted to. And maybe a hug was necessary right now. Besides, Steve didn’t seem too keen on talking about what had happened either, so as far as Bucky was concerned, as of this moment, nothing had ever happened. There had never been a drunken makeout session. “I'm still mad at you though.”

“I know.”

***

Bucky was sat next to Steve on an exam table, both of them clutching at each other tightly and watching as Tony and Bruce and two doctors went over Steve’s bloodwork to make sure he wasn’t going to turn into a rage panda any time soon.

Bucky had tried to just drop Steve off at medical and go take a shower, but Steve had refused to let go of his hand and since Bucky had pretty much done the same thing when he’d broken his shoulder he figured he owed it to Steve to sit and hold his hand until they found out his results.

Tony glanced up at them from the tablet they were all staring at and flicked his eyes between Bucky and Steve, then grinned and looked back down at the screen.

“Do you want the good news or bad news first?”

“What’s the bad news,” Steve asked nervously, squeezing Bucky’s hand even tighter. Good thing it was the left one. He’d probably already have broken fingers by now if it was the right.

“Well...you’re still a pain in the ass. The good news is that you’re not going to turn into a Werepanda.” Tony grinned at Steve and Bucky’s twin sighs of relief.

“I still want to keep an eye on things for a couple days. Make sure we’re not missing anything,” Bruce said, lifting his head and pushing his glasses back up his nose.

“Your honeymoon is going to have to wait for a little while longer,” Tony grinned as he said it and Bucky flipped him off with the hand not still holding Steve’s. “Let’s get out of here. Go clean up and I’ll have dinner brought in.”

“Sure. Thanks Tony.”

“Welcome.” Tony nodded with one last look between Steve and Bucky then hightailed it out of the room.

“He got hit by the feels,” Bucky murmured to Steve, making him laugh. “C’mon, let’s go take a shower.” He stood and pulled Steve off of the table, glancing up to notice a light blush under a streak of mud on Steve’s face. “What?” And then he registered what he’d said and every failed attempt to be an adult about his crush on Steve and hide from his problems rushed to the front of his mind, making him blush in turn. “Not together! I meant in like a general...platonic way...like...two dudes in a shower together. A locker room shower! Oh, Jesus. I gotta go.” He tugged his hand out of Steve’s grip, ignoring the impish grin on the stupid blonde’s face, and ran out of the room.

He was pretty damn certain he imagined Steve murmuring to Bruce about Bucky also being hit by the feels on his way out the door.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently a group of pandas is called a Cupboard. Who knew?
> 
> Also, fried alligator is really good. So long as it's not cooked too long. If you cook it too long it gets chewy like octopus does when it's cooked too long. Octopus is good too though
> 
> Oh! And part 1 of Steve's POV is up now if no one caught it. Its called Twitterpated.


	10. A Honeymoon and White Picket Fences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my amazing betas whitewolfbucky and shout-out-into-the-void over at Tumblr! <3
> 
> I know I've been super shitty at replying to comments, I have a backlog of like 90 to reply to. I'm going to. I swear. I appreciate them so much. <3

  
  


Bucky walked into Tony’s torture chamber and almost turned around to walk right back out when he saw that Steve was there too. He’d been avoiding Steve since he’d inadvertently suggested they take a shower together. Steve hadn’t looked like he was necessarily opposed to the idea, but still. Eep. There was a reason Bucky waited to shower until he got to his own apartment. He didn’t think he could handle Naked Sweaty Steve. Or handle Naked Wet Steve with soap suds sliding down all those miles of perfect muscles and pale skin. He would probably faint in the shower and brain himself on the tiles. His headstone would read ‘Here lies Bucky Barnes: Killed by Steve Rogers’ Wet Naked Ass’.

“Hey, kid.” Tony looked over and grinned.

“What do you want, Stark?”

“Need to go over some details about the mission.” Bucky nodded, walking over to Tony and Steve and snorted when he saw that Steve was holding a plushie panda that was wearing a copy of his Captain America uniform.

“Cute.”

“Tony had it made for me.” Bucky nodded.

“Did you ever figure out the rage panda thing, Stark?”

Steve grinned and Bucky didn’t bother biting back a groan because he already knew what was coming. “It was pandamonium.”

“Jesus, Steve.” Steve laughed, hugging his panda against his chest. “You don’t have the excuse of being squished by a giant alligator today. No more puns.”

“It was a panda-emic.”

“Steve!”

“It wasn’t just black and white.”

“Steven Grant Rogers! One more panda pun comes out of your mouth and I’m going to punch it.” Seriously. Who the hell would’ve thought that Steve was full of puns? Why the puns? Why, dammit!

“That would be unbearable.” Steve blinked innocently as he said it, still hugging his silly panda and Stark was choking from trying not to laugh.

Bucky groaned again. “Steve, I swear I’m gonna do it. Don’t make me break my hand on your face.” 

“That would be so embear-assing.”

“Damn it, Steve.” Bucky shook his head and then turned to Stark only to find him collapsed on the floor with his hands covering his face as he laughed silently. “Don’t pander to him!”

“Don’t panda to my shitty sense of humor, Tony.”

“I give up.” Bucky groaned and nudged Stark with the toe of his boot. “Call me when you can breathe and Captain Dorkface stops being a dweeb.” Stark gave him a thumbs up and Bucky shook his head sadly then walked out of the lab.

Seriously, what the hell was up with the puns? They were just…so…fucking…stupid. They were fucking stupid and cheesy and adorable and Bucky wanted to both smack Steve and kiss him for them.

***

Tony called him back to the lab all of ten minutes later with Steve having promised no more puns for the foreseeable future. Bucky wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or disappointed. He made his way back to the lab and heard Steve and Stark talking about a honeymoon. Did Stark and Pepper finally get married and not tell anyone? Who else would be going on a honeymoon? He'd been pretty fucking sure that Tony had been joking.

“You were fucking serious?

“Yep.” 

They grinned and Bucky almost did a one-eighty and marched himself right back out of the lab. Again. “I’m…not married?”

“The ring on your finger says different.”

“Oh, my God! It’s not even real!”

“We said you only had a couple days before you left,” Stark said with a grin.

“The other day Steve said that we had a couple days before we left to go to Stepford.”

“I never said Stepford. All I said was we only had a couple days until we left.”

“To get me used to you so I wouldn’t blush if you kissed me in front of people. Not that I blush.” He didn’t! He never blushed. Steve was lying.

“Uh huh.” Stark rolled his eyes then turned to Steve. “You never told him we were making you go on a honeymoon.”

“It didn’t come up.”

“How can that not come up? Why does no one believe in Photoshop anymore? Just find some pictures of an empty beach on Google and Photoshop some shirtless pictures of Steve on them.” The world was sorely lacking pictures of shirtless Steve.

“Bucky, come on. It’s just for a couple days. People have honeymoon pictures.”

“No. Nowhere in the job description was a fake honeymoon mentioned.”

“I never actually gave you a job description,” Tony said with another savage grin. “Trust me, kid. You need to do this.”

“I hate you,” Bucky glared at Stark as he said it, and the maniac grinned.

“I knew you’d see it my way.”

“Whatever. Where are we going?”

“Tenkiller.”

The fuck kind of place was that? “Well, that’s not foreboding at all.”

“It’s a state park in Oklahoma. I rented you a little cabin there for a few days. You can go cliff jumping. Pure Hell and Big Daddy are the highest ones. Little Hell is about a hundred yards away from Pure Hell. Actually, I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to jump from them, but when has that stopped either one of you?”

“Why would you tell him that,” Bucky half-yelled. “You know the first thing he’s gonna do is jump off of one and break his neck!”

“And you’ll be right there behind him to fish him out of the water.”

Bucky shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest. “No. If he jumps he’s on his own.”

***

“Damn it, Steve!” Bucky flung himself after his stupid fake husband and splashed into the water right next to him, gasping and then choking on the ice cold water. “I hate you,” he choked out as they surfaced.

Steve grinned, shoving at Bucky playfully. “No one told you to jump, Buck.”

“Shut your face.” He shoved Steve under the water by his head then treaded back toward the bluff, more than ready to get in the sun and out of the frigid water. Why? Why the hell did he feel the continuous need to jump after Steve? It was like there was some kind of rope that tied them together. Wherever Steve led, Bucky followed unerringly. No, he took that back. There were lots of errors.

Steve surfaced a few feet in front of him, laughing with his stupid baby blues sparkling, and then sent a wave of water crashing over him. Bucky spluttered then dove down, grabbing Steve’s foot and yanking him under the water.

The wound up fighting in the water for a good half hour before Bucky’s chattering teeth prompted Steve to relent and drag him toward the rocks, half drowning him in the process. Thank fuck the water was too cold for Bucky to get a boner. All those miles of muscles and wet skin rubbing against him like that was dangerous. Steve tossed him up on a ledge and Bucky shivered then leaned back against the sun-warmed rock.

“This is kind of nice, isn’t it Buck?”

Bucky nodded with a sigh. “Yeah. I guess so.” He reached in the pocket of his swim trunks for his cell phone, a new Stark phone that was completely waterproof courtesy of Tony, and pulled it out to snap a picture of Steve. Only because they needed honeymoon pictures. Not at all because of the way that the sunshine glinting off of the water and lighting up Steve’s eyes made his chest hurt. And definitely not because the water was clear enough to see that Steve was definitely shirtless. The dork was actually wearing the American flag printed board shorts that Tony had given him.

Steve grinned, probably using his secret mind reading powers to know what Bucky was thinking. “What next?”

Bucky sighed and snapped a couple more pictures of Steve as he climbed out of the lake. Jeez the guy looked so fuckable like that. “Well, we only jumped off of Big Daddy. You ready for Pure Hell?” Steve settled next to him and took the phone from his hand. Bucky winced, hoping Steve didn’t scroll through the gallery.

“Been there a while Buck,” he murmured. Yeah, Bucky knew all about that. “You have too, I think, in a way.” Jeez, why was Steve all morose now? They were supposed to be faking happy for pictures.

“Everyone has.”

“Some more than most.”

“What’s wrong, Steve?”

Steve only heaved out a sigh and leaned back against the rocks. “Nothin’.”

“Are you sure?” There was something going on with Steve. Bucky didn’t know what, he had a feeling Steve wouldn’t talk about it until he was ready and Bucky already knew that trying to force Steve Rogers into doing anything he didn’t want to was like pulling teeth. He couldn’t stand the sad look in Steve’s eyes though. He was going to do something completely stupid.

“I’m sure, Buck.”

“Well, if you want to talk let minnow.” He said it with the straightest face he could and bit back a grin when Steve sat back up and blinked at him.

“Did you…did you just pun me?”

“I did. I mean, it cod have been better, but…” he trailed off with a shrug and Steve snorted a laugh then shoved at his shoulder, almost pushing him back into the water.

“That’s crossing a line, Buck.”

“Do you have a betta fish pun? Have you haddock up to here with my carp?”

Steve finally did that full belly laugh Bucky had been looking for and he grinned at having completed a successful mission. Steve turned his upper body towards Bucky, reaching for him with the hand not holding the phone and Bucky tried to squirm away before Steve tossed his ass back in the cold water. Steve only grabbed him and pulled him close, smiling as he kissed him. Oh.  _ Oh _ . Bucky kissed him back for just a second then backed away as far as Steve would let him. He couldn’t. There weren’t witnesses to see them so they shouldn’t have been kissing anyway.

“Gonna give me beard burn.” That was a good excuse, right?

“Don’t be koi, Bucky.”

“Oh, God.” He finally let himself laugh over their stupid puns and was still laughing when Steve kissed him again. He barely registered the camera shutter sound coming from the phone. He definitely didn’t notice it at all after Steve did some little flicky thing with his tongue that had Bucky sighing and wrapping his arms around him. Who gave a shit about beard burn anyways? Bucky. Bucky did. He wanted beard burn everywhere.

When Bucky got his phone back after they had climbed up the bluff he shoved it in his pocket without bothering to look at the pictures. He was warm enough to get a boner and his swim trunks were thin enough that it would definitely be noticeable. He’d wait until he got to his bedroom of the cabin Tony had rented for them so he could have some privacy. He’d either cry or jack off and he wasn’t completely sure it wouldn’t be both at the same time. Shit wasn’t fair.

He and Steve climbed onto the ATV that had been waiting for them at the cabin and Bucky held on to Steve’s shoulder as he started it up and began driving them back to their tiny log cabin. 

***

Bucky picked up his bag from where he and Steve had dropped their bags just inside the door before turning around and leaving again so he could carry it into his room to dig for clothes for his shower and walked through the small house, opening each door. He found a hall closet, a bathroom, and one bedroom. One. With one bed that was definitely not big enough for two grown men, much less grown men of Steve and Bucky’s build. Was that a full? Jeez it was tiny. How the hell were he and Steve supposed to share a bed? Especially one that small? He was not going to share a bed with Steve. That was too dangerous.

“Steve!”

He heard Steve running and nearly rolled his eyes when he heard the weird humming of the shield. “What is it, Buck?”

“My hero,” he murmured turning toward Steve. “There’s only one bedroom. And only the  _ one _ bed.”

“Oh!” Steve dropped the shield with a clang, a blush darkening his cheeks as he looked back and forth between Bucky and the bed. “Oh. Um…I guess we’ll uh…have to share?”

Absolutely not. No bed sharing. Bucky had read too many romance novels that started out like this. He knew what would happen. He’d get a boner and things would be awkward and Steve would be polite and promise it was something that just happened sometimes, but Bucky would never live it down. He’d die of mortification. “I’ll take the couch.”

“Have you seen the couch? It’s smaller than the bed. It’s barely a loveseat. You’ll be hanging off of it from both ends.”

“We ain’t both gonna fit on the bed Steve.”

“Sure we will.” With that Steve lifted Bucky into his arms; he didn’t squeal or drop his bag okay? And the stupid blonde carried Bucky over to the bed and flung them down on top of it. The frame let loose a squeal of its own but held as Steve maneuvered them around until they were curled up together. Their heads were on the pillows, their feet were hanging off of the end of the bed, and there was about an inch of mattress left uncovered. “See? We fit.”

“Barely.”

“Still fit.”

“Yeah.” Bucky sighed, closing his eyes so he couldn’t see Steve’s; he didn’t want to know what the blonde was thinking right now. “I need a shower.”

“Yeah. Me too.” Steve brushed his lips over Bucky’s forehead then let go of him and rolled off of the bed with a sigh. “Let’s go take a shower.” Bucky’s eyes snapped open and he glared at the devious grin on Steve’s face.

“Shuddup.”

***

“There’s a market over in Gore called Soda Steve’s. We should go.” 

Steve laughed shaking his head. “No.”

“But…food. They have pictures of their food Steve. Look at it.” Bucky pouted trying to look as pitiful as possible as Steve looked at the screen on his phone. When Steve sighed he knew he had won. “Yay! Let’s go.”

***

“Hey, we should go fishing. Have you ever been fishing? I haven’t. I want to try fishing.”

“No, Buck.”

“Steve.” He pouted again, hoping he looked adorable and Steve sighed.

***

“Holy shit, this is boring.” Bucky flicked his fishing pole, almost hitting Steve with it, and watched his light up bobber jerk and wobble in the water.

“We’ve been here five minutes. And this was your idea anyway.”

“The thing about ideas, Steven, is that not all of them are good ones. You should know that.” Bucky grinned at Steve’s offended splutter.

***

“There’s a fire pit. Do we need a fire? I think we need a fire. We can make s’mores. Let’s go to the store and get stuff for s’mores. Find sticks.”

“What do we need sticks for?”

“To impale marshmallows with and torch them over the fire. And to you know, build the fire.”

Steve sighed and Bucky wondered if he realized that he was doing everything in his power to not go to bed with him. To sleep. Like actually sleeping. There would be nothing untoward happening. Sleeping only. Mostly, Bucky was sure, because he planned on either staying awake until Steve passed out or until he managed to annoy Steve into letting him sleep on the couch.

“Are you sure we need s’mores? It’s getting pretty late.”

“Absolutely.” Bucky didn’t need to look at his phone to know that it was past midnight. Sleep was for the weak.

***

Bucky woke when he felt himself being lifted from the ground and grumbled, swatting at whoever was carrying him. He heard quiet laughter and shushed them. The fuck were they laughing for? He fell back asleep before his next thought.

***

He woke with a quiet sigh, sweating from where another body was plastered against his, their arms wrapped around him, and a large palm resting on his stomach. It had been a long time since he’d woken up being spooned by anyone, especially when that someone was obviously happy to be there, if the dick jabbing him in the ass was any indication. If he’d been more awake he might have been a little bit leery of it. Damn. He rocked back against it before he could stop himself and the hand on his stomach twitched in a spasm, fingers digging in a little, pulling him closer against the hard body behind him. He didn't have the faintest idea how he’d wound up in a bed or who he was with. 

It took him longer than he’d ever care to admit to realize who he’d been unintentionally grinding on. It wasn’t until he heard a sleepy mumble and felt a beard scraping over the back of his neck that he realized he was in fucking bed with Steve ‘you need four fingers and half a bottle of lube’ Rogers. Holy shit! He was instantly awake and tried to fling himself out of bed only for Steve to wrap himself even further around him, clutching at him like a freaking baby koala. Or some kind of giant monkey because Steve draped one leg over Bucky’s, pulling him even closer with another mumble. Shit. Were pandas clingy? Was this a Rage Panda™ thing?

Bucky was pretty sure he’d probably read this before in one of his romance novels. Minus the panda thing, obviously. At least he wasn’t the one with the awkward boner. This time. But that meant  _ he _ would be giving Steve the ‘it happens to everyone’ speech. This reversal of imaginary roles was so fucking weird. He shifted, trying to figure out a way to worm out of Steve’s grip. Steve only squeezed him tighter and somehow Bucky wound up with Steve’s dick right where he wanted it. Didn’t want it. Damn it. There needed to be fewer clothes between them. More clothes. Something. Bucky really needed to get away from Steve before he was tempted to roll over and rub off on him. He was already hard enough to pound nails. He didn’t need any more temptation, especially because Steve was asleep and not at all aware that his morning wood was jabbing Bucky in the ass.

He reached back and pinched Steve’s hip, hoping he’d let go. Instead, Steve whimpered, his cock twitched, and Bucky sighed. He pinched harder and Steve gasped. “Steve, wake up!” He swatted Steve’s hip as he snapped and the blonde jerked away from him, rolling off of the bed with a crash as he knocked over the nightstand.

“Ow. What the hell?” Steve sat up, rubbing his head as if anything was able to hurt that thick skull of his.

“I need to piss and you were snuggling me to death.”

“Oh. Sorry.” Steve gave him a shy smile and Bucky smiled back and decided not to mention that he now knew Steve’s dick on a first name basis. He thought Holy Fuck was a good name, because holy fuck that thing was huge. He wanted it. Was kind of scared of it, but Bucky was nothing if not adventurous and well…yeah. Dude had a bigger dick than he did? He wanted to sit on it. Mostly he wanted to sit on it because it was Steve’s, but still.

“S’ok.” He would never admit to running away, but he definitely ran away before Steve could notice his own hard on.

***

Two days later they were back in New York at the tower. Bucky was spending time with Becca while getting the last few details of the mission ironed out. He and Steve would leave for Stepford the following morning, getting there in the afternoon where they’d pick up a car that Tony had kitted out for them and would have waiting at the airport parking lot along with a moving truck that held the rest of their gear. After that James and Grant would arrive at their perfect little cottage and pretend they’d been driving for two days to reach their new home. Some of it was already set up; Tony had sent people in to get a head start on putting the house together while Bucky and Steve had been on their weirdo honeymoon.

The second night Bucky had managed to actually sleep on the couch but only because he threatened Steve with what he was pretty sure was a rabid raccoon that he had found on their porch. Steve didn’t want to become a Rage Trash Panda so had let Bucky get away with sleeping on the couch. It had sucked. Waking up curled in a ball with Steve spooning him was definitely preferable to waking up with a crick in his neck and no feeling in his legs.

“So?”

“What?” Bucky looked up from where he’d been staring into space, day dreaming about sleeping with Steve and saw Becca waggling her eyebrows at him like a dork. “What?”

“How’d the honeymoon go?”

“The one we didn’t need to go on? Fine. We went cliff diving and swimming and fishing and made s’mores.”  _ I woke up with a massive boner poking me in the butt. _ “It was nice.”

“Did you tell him?”

“Tell him what?” She gave him that look she’d learned from Natasha and he rolled his eyes. He knew his baby sister better than that. “There’s nothing to tell him.”

“Except for how much you love him and want to bone him.”

“Anyone’s getting boned around here it’s gonna be me, and no.”

“Why not! That was your chance, Bucky.”

“He doesn’t see me like that. Besides he’s…Steve. And I’m me and it wouldn’t work.” Not to mention Steve was probably just experimenting anyways.

“You don’t know that,” she persisted. “You didn’t see the way he looked at you at your wedding.”

“Fake wedding,” he pointed out for the millionth time. “And since it was fake none of that shit meant anything. It was for pictures, Becca. You’re…normal. You wouldn’t understand. It’s for the mission that’s all.” He said it with a note of finality and Becca rolled her eyes at him, but sighed.

“I’m gonna say one more thing and then I’ll shut up about it,  _ if _ you promise to listen to me and think about it.”

“What?”

“I don’t think it was just for pictures, Jammies.”

What did she know about it? She barely knew Steve. Definitely didn’t understand that he, and Bucky to a lesser extent, had been faking it for the stupid wedding and stupid pictures everyone insisted they needed to have. Hell,  _ he _ barely knew Steve. Yeah, they worked together and spent a lot of time together because of it, but that didn’t mean he knew him. Steve didn’t offer much about himself and Bucky didn’t ask. If Steve wanted him to know something, he would have told him by now. 

“You don’t know anything, Becca.”

“I’m not ten anymore. I know more than you think I do.”

He nodded, but chose to remain silent. He knew it wouldn’t do any good to protest anymore. She would believe what she wanted to believe and he would just have to deal with it. Or do like he usually did and pretend whatever issue he was having didn’t exist. That was probably what was best right now.

***

Bucky unlocked the door to what would be his and Steve’s house for the foreseeable future and sighed as he dropped his bag to the side. Steve was right behind him, both of them having already clocked the neighbors in the house to the left of them peeking out of their curtains. Bucky was sure they’d be over soon to introduce themselves.

“Should we unload everything now or wait?”

“Might as well do it now and be done with it.”

“Yeah. It’s hot though.”

“Tony stocked the fridge. I’ll make some lemonade.”

“Lemonade, really?”

“What? It’s a hot day. Besides, lemonade is a classic.”

“You just want to make lemonade because it’s yellow like the house.” Steve grinned and Bucky rolled his eyes. “Jeez.” Steve laughed and Bucky turned to walk back out of the house and to the moving truck that Steve had backed into the driveway. How did he not realize that Steve was such a dork until now? Well, the past few days anyway, what with all those terrible puns. Thank fuck Steve seemed to be over them now. Bucky didn’t know what he’d do if Steve started making them again.

Ten minutes into Bucky carrying their stuff into the house Steve came outside with a glass of lemonade, looking extremely proud of himself, and Bucky couldn’t help an adoring smile. Jeez, he was such a fucking dork. He carried the box past Steve into the house and then came back out accepting the glass with a murmured thank you.

“Neighbors are watching again.”

“I know. I give them two more trips to the truck and back before they get up the nerve to come say hi.”

“You remember who they are,” Steve asked with his voice just above a whisper.

Bucky nodded. “Everything that was in the file.” He took a drink of the lemonade and sighed. It was perfect. Just enough sweet, just enough sour for it to be the way he liked it. He took another drink then handed the cup back to Steve. “Gotta get back to work.”

“I’ll help.” Steve sat the glass on the porch rail where it wouldn’t be knocked over then followed Bucky back to the truck. 

Just as Bucky predicted, their neighbors came out by their second trip, and he made one more to the truck for the giant flat screen TV they didn’t need while Steve walked across the yard to meet them. Bucky made it to the porch before Steve called him over to meet them.

“Hey, Jamie?”

“Yeah?”

“Come here, Sugar. Come meet the neighbors.”

Bucky sat the TV down with a groan and tried to hide his blush by wiping the sweat from his face with his shirt, also hoping to distract their new neighbors with his abs so they wouldn’t look too closely at his face when he lowered his shirt. He’d never get used to Steve’s weird little terms of endearment.

“Baby, they don’t wanna meet me when I’m all sweaty and gross.”

“Yes we do!”

“John! Oh, my God! You can’t just say that. His husband’s right here.”

“Please. You were thinking it too.”

Bucky couldn’t help but grin as he walked over to Steve where he’d been standing by the white picket fence, oh God, talking to their neighbors on the other side. “Hey, guys.”

“Jamie, this is Carlos and John Reyes.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” Bucky shook their hands with a smile while mentally reciting the information from their file. Carlos and John Reyes, married Valentine’s Day 2012. No kids, though they’d been making noises about looking into adoption. Which was something they could use to bond over since he and Steve were supposed to be wanting to adopt their own tiny heathens. 

John and Carlos had two cats, Coco and Tiffany. John was an interior designer. Carlos took care of house and home while also running a small internet business where he sold his own handcrafted jewelry. The jewelry was kind of nice too, if you liked gaudy statement pieces. Bucky preferred his jewelry simple, understated. The platinum band on his finger was plenty enough for him. 

There wasn’t anything sketchy going on with them that he could tell so far, but he’d barely scratched the surface where they were concerned. After he and Steve got everything moved in and he got some sleep he’d start digging around more. Tony had made the third bedroom their ‘secret lair’ that housed a bank of computers that Bucky was going to have to teach himself how to use. Hopefully Stark had set up everything so that technologically challenged people such as himself could use them. He still barely knew more than filing his reports, searching through files, and how the turn the damn things on. He’d figure it out eventually.

“We were just telling your hubby here how nice it was to have you in the neighborhood. Old Mrs. Beelzebub was so awful. She came over one day and pulled all the pansies out of my flower boxes. Said we should be ashamed of ourselves living in sin like we were,” John said with a quiet growl and a foot stomp. Bucky tried not to laugh at the name they’d given the old woman whose real name was Evelyn Henderson.

“John and I spent too much time living in shame when we were younger. No one is going to make us ashamed of who or what we are. Not anymore.”

“Damn straight.”

“Wow,” Bucky murmured. “She sounds like a righteous bitch.” He had felt bad for kicking the old lady out of her house for this, but now he kind of thought it was okay. It wasn’t like she was on the street. She’d been set up with a new house in a new town and that was that, but jeez she sounded awful.

“Jamie!” Steve’s scandalized voice broke him from his thoughts and Carlos spoke before he could open his mouth to apologize.

“No, no. She was. She was absolutely horrible.”

Bucky gave Steve a wicked smirk. “See, sweetheart? It’s okay. Besides, if she’d done that to us you’d have given her a twenty minute lecture on why it’s not okay to spew hate and vitriol at people. Or tear up their flowers. I know how much you love our window boxes.”

Steve spluttered for a second and Bucky grinned at him. He gave Bucky a slight glare even as he agreed with him. “Yeah, okay. You’re right, doll.”

“I’m always right. And don’t you forget it.” Steve flat out fucking giggled and Bucky would’ve glared at him if that stupid giggle didn’t make him smile every time he heard it. He wished Steve would laugh like that more often. Even if it was at his expense.

“You two are so adorable.”

“Thank you,” Bucky murmured. “It was nice meeting you. I still got some more stuff to unload so…” He trailed off with a shrug and they nodded and invited him and Steve to dinner in a few nights once they had time to settle in. They wanted to give Bucky and Steve the skinny on all the neighbors. Bucky laughed, agreeing with them, because what better way to learn all kinds of sordid things about their other neighbors and the town than idle gossip, then waved goodbye and fought another blush when Steve grabbed his hand and walked with him back toward the house where Bucky had left the TV sitting on the porch.

“Are we gonna have a gay off?”

“A gay off?”

“Yeah, to see who’s gayer. Them or us? I mean, I don’t think I can be that flamboyant. You maybe, but not me.”

Steve swatted Bucky on the back of the head then picked up the TV and carried it inside.

“Rude!”

“Hey, I’m just saying, you’re always in that gaudy suit with its bright colors. You never know.”

“Which one of us is the drama queen?” Steve asked as he sat the TV down on its stand.

“’Scuse you! I am not a drama queen!” He wasn’t flailing his arms. He was stretching them. He’d been carrying a lot of heavy boxes around. Shut up.

“You can’t do shit like that, oh my God! What the fuck were you thinking? You coulda fucking died!” Steve flailed his arms around exaggeratedly, then curled his fingers in his mussed hair and pulled it. “You were on fire! You’re still on fire!”

“That’s…not even at all like me.” Jeez, did he really do that that often? Couldn’t have. Although Steve did so some truly ridiculous bullshit. Maybe Bucky did do it that much. It did not make him a drama queen though. Steve fucking giggled again and Bucky whacked him on the arm. “Shut your face, Stephens.” 

That was still the stupidest name ever. Grant and James Stephens. It was like the whitest white guy names they could have found. Why hadn’t Steve come up with a better name for his art? Which was absolutely gorgeous by the way. And why hadn’t anyone told Bucky about it until now? He’d looked up some of Steve’s paintings after seeing the few that had been included in their relationship file and had seen a more recent painting that was just various shades of blues slashed across a background of white. It had seemed familiar to him somehow, like he had known what Steve had been trying to paint, but he hadn’t been able to figure it out beyond the fact that he thought it was beautiful.

“Gonna make me, Stephens?”

“Don’t tempt me.” That was the last thing he needed. It had been hard enough during their fake honeymoon for him not to throw himself at Steve. Especially after they’d play fought in the water and Steve had agreed to Bucky’s every whim while he was being an annoying pain in the ass. He didn’t need another reason to fight himself on it. He was so far gone on Steve it was stupid. He definitely did not need to spar with Steve. Not if he wanted to be able to hide how he felt about him.

Even if the blonde was a huge pain in the ass that was going to kill him with his stupidity one day. Bucky half wondered if Steve had been this reckless before he had joined up or if it was a recent development. Tony had said that they’d gotten tired of bitching at Steve for being stupid, but that hadn’t let him know if it had been worse or better than it was now.

“Come on; let’s go finish bringing our stuff in. We need to go through the boxes and see what we actually need and what of it is crazy shit Stark put in to make us want to strangle him.” Bucky nodded and Steve swung his arm over his shoulders, leading him out of the house. 

At least one of the boxes was probably filled with nothing but assorted condoms and lube. If that was the case, Bucky was betting that half of the lube would be flavored. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tenkiller State Park is a real place. The water is cold as fuck. Especially when it's 115F outside with 100% humidity. Pure Hell, Big Daddy, and Little Hell are real cliffs/bluffs. I used to go every day during the summer. Pure Hell and Big Daddy are blocked off and you can no longer jump off of them and are 120 feet and around 100 feet respectively.


	11. I'm Not Jealous, You're Jealous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky really hoped John and Carlos didn’t turn out to be Hydra douchecanoes. He actually really liked them. Tammy, on the other hand, he really fucking hoped was Hydra. He wanted to take that bitch down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **I know I say this a lot, but I really, _really_ mean it. I'm so fucking sorry I haven't been replying to comments. I see them. I LOVE them. Y'all have no idea how much they really mean to me. I get overwhelmed and procrastinate until I feel like it's too late to reply, but I really do mean too. I love y'all!  <3**
> 
>  
> 
> **From here on out I'm replying to them as they come in!**
> 
>  
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> **and thank you to shout-out-into-the-void over on tumblr for the beta!**

 

 

Bucky didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed that one of the boxes he and Steve had unpacked hadn’t contained various condoms and lubes. On one hand it would’ve probably been almost a lifetime’s supply and yay! who didn’t need lube and condoms? Oh, wait. Bucky. Bucky didn’t need them because the one dude he wanted to get fucked by pretty much didn’t know he existed. On the other hand; a box of lube and condoms as big as Bucky had been imagining would be embarrassing as hell; even if he would hide them away in his closet for potential later use. Hey, a man could dream.

In the end the boxes had held little more than things one would receive as wedding gifts. A KitchenAid stand mixer and the food processor that matched and were the same blue as Steve’s extremely patriotic Daytime Suit™. A coffee maker, thank God, that Bucky was pretty sure Stark had made because it brewed an entire pot of coffee in less time than it took a Keurig to make one cup and it actually tasted like coffee and not skunky smelling dirt and floor sweepings. Stark had also managed to get the coffee grounds to make Bucky’s Death Coffee from the coffee shop he’d almost been forced to abandon because of Steve. There were copper pots and pans, as if either of them knew how to cook, copper measuring cups and cooking utensils that matched. And all kinds of nifty looking kitchen gadgets that he hadn’t a clue as to what they were or how to use them. Except the fancy electric can opener. He definitely knew how to use that one.

After that it was monogrammed towels that matched the décor in the bathroom. Linens and all that mess. Who needed actual matching linens? Bucky had never cared if all his towels matched. Or if his sheets and pillow cases matched his comforter and blanket. Who cared if it matched? And he was perfectly comfortable sleeping on Captain America sheets while snuggled under a pink unicorn blanket that Becca had gotten him as a joke, but he secretly loved because it was so comfy and cozy. He may or may not have brought it with him.

By the time he and Steve had gotten everything unpacked and put in its proper place, Bucky was too tired to familiarize himself with the computer room, definitely too tired to attempt to cook any of the food in the fridge or pantry. And he didn’t know how to cook any of it anyway because for some reason there was a lack of boxes of mac and cheese and frozen pizzas in their kitchen. _How the hell were he and Steve supposed to survive?_ So he and Steve were forced to Google nearby food places that delivered even if they might be Hydra run food places. Still, they were both starved and didn’t want to chance setting their new kitchen on fire so Possibly Hydra Pizza it was.

It wasn’t until after they’d eaten three pizzas between them that Bucky realized he was going to have to sleep with his fake husband. Again. In the same bed. Because while he hadn’t realized it while they’d been unpacking everything, he had realized while standing in the shower, that the second bedroom didn’t have a damned bed. He’d forgotten it was supposed to be Steve’s art studio. The couch wasn’t comfortable, though it was plenty big to sleep on, but he knew Steve wouldn’t let him sleep on it. He’d barely let him sit on it before his shower because _someone_ had picked out a white and yellow gingham checked sofa because it matched their tiny cottage. Oh, and his shoulders did too totally touch both sides of the doors. But no, Steve was being a drama queen about their furniture and now Bucky was stuck sharing a bed with him. Again.

Joke’s on you, Steve. Bucky had slipped into their king sized bed and immediately made a wall of pillows between him and Steve’s side of the bed. No snuggles for you, asshole. Bucky wasn’t going to take any chances this time. He wasn’t gonna wake up with a monster cock poking him in the ass and Steve wrapped around him like a giant, yet super cuddly, octopus.  Not this time.

***

Bucky woke up, sweating from another body plastered against his and sighed miserably. Fucking Cuddly Steve. He knew it was left over Radioactive Panda© slobber from the bite he’d gotten. He sighed again and opened his eyes to find his head resting on Steve’s chest. Guess he was the one that was plastered to Steve instead of the other way around. What the fuck? What happened to his wall of pillows? They were supposed to keep him separated from Steve! Did Steve move them? He bet Steve moved them. He wouldn’t have done it. That still didn’t stop him from snuggling closer though. Just for a second. A few seconds. Less than a minute, really. It was so weird, but Steve’s super muscly chest was actually kind of comfy.

“Are you awake, Jamie?”

“No. What happened to my wall of pillows?”

“You flung them off the bed in your sleep and laid on top of me.”

What? That didn’t at all sound like something he’d do. He’d put up his pillow wall for a reason. “I musta got cold.”

“That explain the death grip you have on me right now?”

What death grip? He was snuggling, apparently, but he wasn’t at all clutching himself around Steve like a baby koala. That would be weird. Steve wiggled, moving Bucky with him and then laughed. Oh, that death grip. The hell? He’d been cuddled to Steve all night and hadn’t even gotten to enjoy it. Fuck his life. “Dunno what you’re talking about, Grant.”

“Yeah? You gonna let me go? I need to pee.”

Bucky groaned as he started detaching himself, apparently he had both arms wrapped around Steve, head laying on his chest, and one leg thrown over his. He rolled over, you know, just in case Steve had noticed the erection pressing into his hip and buried his head under his remaining pillow because Sleeping Bucky was a traitorous bitch that threw all of Waking Bucky’s pillows to the floor.

“Want me to make coffee?”

“I’ll do it. You dunno how I like it.”

“Eight scoops of coffee in the filter. Six spoons of sugar and nine spoons of creamer in your mug.”

That…was exactly right. What the fuck? “How’d you know?”

“Stark.” Steve rolled out of the bed and hightailed it out of their bedroom. Huh. That was odd. It made sense that Stark would know how Bucky took his coffee. It didn’t make sense for Steve to have rushed out of the room like that. He was a big fat liar is what he was. Stark didn’t tell him that. Which meant he had noticed it on his own. Buy why be shifty about that? Bucky knew how Steve took his coffee too. Mostly black with barely enough sugar to sweeten it and only enough cream to give it a slightly lighter tint. What even was the point of that, by the way? Why bother with sugar and creamer if you weren’t even going to add proper amounts?

He yawned, stretching as far as he could, then sat up and scrubbed at his face. He wasn’t at all ready for this. Still, it was probably better than assholes barging into his office every little bit begging him to be stupid with them. Except now the only asshole that would be crashing his work was Steve. There probably wasn’t much to do right now anyway. Except pick up the pillow wall that Sleeping Bucky had thrown to the floor in an effort to plaster himself to the man of his dreams.

***

After coffee and breakfast, which was scrambled eggs that were only slightly burned, he stumbled into his office carrying a mug of coffee with him while Steve went into his art studio to decorate or set up easels or whatever it was that he did. He closed the door hoping Steve would take the hint and not bother him for anything unless it was life or death and then moved to the huge bank of computer monitors. There were two laser keyboards mounted on a shelf surrounded by the monitors and pointed at the desk, two towers, and a dozen twenty-four inch monitors. What the hell did Stark expect him to do with all of this? Yeah, he used his computer at work and his laptop at home, but this was way more advanced than his other setup. He’d just now gotten used to all of Starks fancy hologram crap. Now this? Ugh. He basically only knew how to go through his files, scan them into the computer, and then type up his reports. This was…not that. He was an Intelligence Nerd. Not a Tech Nerd.

He turned the towers on, smiling a little bit when the keyboards lit up, lasers shining at the desk and then balked when the monitors came on one by one. It looked like some kind of Matrix shit scrolling up the screens before it changed to what looked like a regular desktop. A desktop with a wallpaper that was a close up of Steve’s ass in the stealth suit. He didn’t mind particularly, but it would be too distracting and he’d be mortified if Steve ever saw it. He immediately opened the browser and looked for a picture of fuzzy kittens and changed the wallpaper, but not without making sure the picture of Steve’s butt was saved to the computer. For science. Or some shit like that. Though he figured it really didn’t matter because he was living with Steve for the foreseeable future and that meant he could sneak a peek at Steve’s butt whenever he wanted. It didn’t mean he should though and he needed to put a lid on shit too. It was bad enough they’d been forced together for this. He didn’t need to do anything that would make it awkward. Easier said than done though. Not when he was so awkward already.

There was a shortcut to a video file in the middle of one of the monitors and he clicked on it. When it opened he realized it was a tutorial for the computers and some of the programs on them. He paused it, debating on whether to watch it and know what he was doing or just delete it and hope for the best. But seeing as he hadn’t actually found anything of use in the two months he’d had to prep for this, he figured he might watch the tutorial so he’d know what he was doing. And maybe it would help him find something on the town besides what he’d found before which looked like it had been copied from a high school student’s history paper. He pushed play and leaned back in his chair, resting his coffee mug on his chest.

***

Two hours later Bucky had finished his tutorial and started up a search, letting Mini JARVIS help. J 0.5 was a slightly slower, smaller version of JARVIS and while he couldn’t run the house like he ran the tower, he did and could do what Bucky wanted him to on the computer system Stark had set up. It soon became clear, as much as Bucky hated to admit it, that the only way he was going to learn any more about the town and its occupants, was to actually immerse himself in it. He and Steve were going to have to make friends with people. Ugh.

He walked out of his office with a pout and went in search of his fake husband. They needed to talk about this meeting new people thing. Steve would have to lead on that because Bucky was not a people person. At all. Ever. He was old and tired and grumpy and didn’t want to deal with new people. His eyes lit up and he grinned when he realized he could now do something he’d always wanted. He could sit his happy ass on their front porch and yell at the neighbor kids all he wanted. It was going to be amazing! He giggled, already picturing himself sitting in a rocking chair with a glass of lemonade on his tiny table and holding a cane.

“What’s got you smiling like that, Buck?”

“I’m gonna yell at the neighbor kids and tell them to keep off my lawn.”

Steve laughed, eyes lighting up and flashing white teeth. “That’s amazing. You should do that, but not right now. We’re supposed to be making friends.”

“You can make friends. I’m going to be the weird grouchy recluse that still somehow managed to bag a husband.”

“So you’re going to be yourself?”

“Yes, yes I am. It’s going to be so great.” He grinned then walked into the kitchen for another cup of coffee. When he got there though the pot was empty and the machine had been turned off and tucked away to the back of the counter. “What the fuck? What the ever-loving fuck! Grant!” This shit was not gonna happen. No one fucked with his coffee and lived. And Steve had already done it once at the coffee shop. That shit was not gonna happen in his house!

“What, Jamie?” Steve walked into the kitchen looking a little bit wary and Bucky only grunted and gestured toward the coffee maker. “Oh! I put it in a thermos for you. It’s still hot. I just wasn’t sure when you’d come out and I don’t like to leave the machine on.” Bucky watched as Steve moved to grab a thermos off of the kitchen table. “Here.”

“Oh, thanks. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I know not to get between you and your coffee.”

“Okay.” Bucky took the thermos from him carefully then turned back to the counter to sit his mug down. “I uh…I was thinking earlier, we should go get some groceries we actually know what to do with?” He needed boxes of macaroni and cheese and frozen pizzas. They’d just make salads or something with the veggies in the fridge and then put the rest of it in the freezer so it wouldn’t go to waste.

“I found something earlier actually.” Steve went into the living room and came back with a book as Bucky stirred the creamer and sugar into his mug. “Natasha knows neither one of us knows how to cook.”

“A cookbook? What the hell are we supposed to do with that? Use it to start a fire?”

“No.” He opened the cover and read the short inscription. “Learn how to cook, you’re grown men. Try not to burn the house down.”

“So we’re using it to start sanctioned fires?”

“Apparently so. There’s some recipes with Nutella in here,” Steve murmured while flipping through pages.

“We don’t have any Nutella.”

“We can get some at the store.”

***

After three days of continuously setting off the fire alarm while attempting to cook, Bucky set fire to the cookbook and tossed it into the sink to watch it burn with a gleeful laugh. Steve said it was an evil laugh, but what did he know? He had thought the cookbook was a good idea. That they could learn to cook together and it would be nice to know how to do stuff on their own without having to resort to freezer pizzas. Or takeout. Or just eating salads and putting everything else in the freezer.

The smoke alarm blared and Bucky pulled out his tiny pink and purple pocket knife Becca had given him years before and jumped up, stabbing it into the smoke detector. It cut off with a lingering whine and a few sparks and he sighed as he turned back to the small fire in the stainless steel sink. This…this was bliss.

Steve reached over the flames and opened the small window above the sink to let the smoke flow out of their kitchen. “Shoulda done this outside.”

“I…may have overreacted a little bit. Not about setting the book on fire, but definitely about doing it in the sink without opening the windows first.”

Steve nodded with a hum. “I’m gonna order Chinese for dinner. What do you want?”

“Sticky rice and pot stickers. Oh, and that weird soup with the mushrooms and crunchy bits.”

“Okay.” Bucky kept his eyes on the curling pages of the book as they burned and listened to Steve order just about half of the menu that was stuck to the front of their fridge with a magnet. There was already a pizza place menu and a Thai menu up there too. When Steve hung up he moved back to Bucky and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“You get to tell Natasha you burned the book.”

“Don’t matter. She knows there’s no possible way in hell that either one of us will ever be able to learn how to cook.”

***

“There’s a couple’s cooking course at the community center.”

Bucky looked up from the TV to stare incredulously at his fake husband. “Fuck no.”

“Couples gossip. Besides we still have to have dinner with the neighbors. We can’t go over there without taking something.”

“I’m fairly certain we’re the ones supposed to be hosting a dinner, but whatever. We’ll do dinner with them and take a bottle of wine or something, but I am not taking a cooking class.” Bucky glared when Steve did that stupid earnest pouty thing. “Absolutely not, Grant.” Steve reached for him, aiming to brush his thumb over his cheek, he just knew that’s what Steve was going to do, and Bucky knocked his hand aside carefully. “No.”

“Come on, Buck. It’ll be fine.” Steve managed to dodge Bucky’s hand the next time he reached for him and Bucky sighed when Steve stroked his thumb over Bucky’s cheek, gliding it gently over his skin before dragging the digit over his bottom lip.

“Goddammit, Steve.”

***

“Fucking pie? We’re baking a fucking pie?”

“Is there a problem, James?”

Bucky looked up at the instructor, not having noticed her approaching their table and he elbowed Steve none too gently. Asshole should have warned him.

“Yeah, my husband dragged my ass here for cooking lessons when he knows I’m even more hopeless in the kitchen than he is.”

“That’s the point of the classes, James. To learn.” Tiffani gave him a reassuring smile.

Bucky stared down at the ingredients on the table with a grimace. “If you say so, lady.”

“Now, what kind pie do you want to make?”

“Apple.” Bucky practically shouted it so he could answer before Steve. She looked taken aback for a moment before looking to Steve and chuckling quietly. Bucky peeked over at his stupid fake husband and saw him glaring. Ha, fuck you Steve! Bucky knew Steve wanted to make any kind of pie but apple, but because Bucky was a pain in the ass, apple fucking pie. “I know how much you like old fashioned stuff, Grant. I thought apple pie would be sweet. A little ode to the good ol’ days.” He bit his bottom lip to keep from giggling as Steve’s eyebrows did the Glower of Disapproval™. Steve was gonna kill him. It was going to be so amazing.

***

“So, I mean…it’s only black in a couple places. We can probably knock the burned pieces off.”

Steve shrugged his shoulders, still pouting over the fact that they’d had to make an apple pie, but Bucky knew they should probably be a little bit proud that they’d only made the top crust a little too thin in spots instead of across the whole thing. So yeah, it was only a little bit burned, but it was salvageable. Probably. Maybe they should just chunk it out?

And anyway they’d actually learned quite a bit about the rest of the couples. Or Steve had, and Bucky had listened while keeping an air of disgruntled spouse being forced out in public. He’d listened in on their conversations while slicing the apples with a knife that was a hell of a lot less sharp than the one he usually carried and trying not to act like he had knife skills. They didn’t necessarily translate to slicing apples, but still.

Anyway, Gina and Robert Collins, both nurses at the local hospital, had been married for ten years and had two kids that Steve fawned over appropriately when shown pictures. Bucky had just grunted and then Steve told them that he and Bucky were after their own but didn’t know where to start, didn’t know which adoption agencies you could trust and whatnot. Bucky didn’t trust them, didn’t trust anyone really, but some nurses were shifty anyway and he definitely saw the way their eyes sparkled when Steve had mentioned adoption agencies. They would probably get a hefty commission from one if he and Steve seemed desperate enough for their pretend baby. Either that or they were stealing babies which was really not o-fucking-kay. He’d have to look into them more when he and Steve got home.

Tosh and Glen Miller were newly married, as in they’d only been married a week after only dating for a month, but it was TRUE LOVE. Bucky could just hear the all caps when they said it and giggled and looked oh so fucking happy. They were annoyingly happy. Like…possibly there were drugs involved happy. No one was _that_ happy without some kind of chemical assistance.

The other couple in their class was Lindsey and Alison Cooper. They’d been married for three years, had two kids already and another on the way. Steve brought up the baby thing again and they fawned over Steve and Bucky wanting a family. Apparently rugged looking dudes being cute about babies were a turn on or something. Weird.

All that mess; learning about people and their instructor and burning a pie, and the only concrete anything he and Steve had gotten out of anyone was that Stepford was the most perfect little town ever. Which made it all the more suspicious, but whatever. They’d figure it out eventually.

“It’s not the worst I’ve ever seen. You two did well for your first time.”

“It was all Grant. He just loves apple pie.” He gave her his most charming smile and Steve elbowed him this time while doing his best Buy My War Bonds® smile. “I figure we’ll just knock the pieces of burned crust off and eat it anyway. The rest should taste okay, yeah?”

“Probably.” She said it with a sort of grimace and Bucky laughed.

“Yeah. Me too. I guess we’ll see you later?”

“Sure. If you come back next week we’re making lasagna.”

“Okay, cool.” Bucky picked up their pie with one hand, grabbed Steve’s hand with the other, and dragged him out of the room.

***

As soon as the front door was shut and locked behind them Bucky sat the pie on the small table next to it and ran for their bedroom with Steve right on his heels. He managed to close the door but not get it locked before Steve shoved it open and tackled him onto the bed.

“You’re such a fucking asshole!”

“You’re the one that wanted to take cooking classes, you jerk!”

Steve jabbed his ribs, his one fucking ticklish spot, making him curl up to protect them. He jabbed for them again and Bucky laughed swatting his hands away.

“Apple pie? Do you know how many fucking apple pie jokes I’ve had to hear since I came out of the ice?”

“I can’t imagine it would be that many. I mean…wholesome all American boy like you.” Bucky giggled trying to squirm away from Steve when he straddled him. Steve pinned him down and _uh oh_. That was…so not good? It was good, don’t get him wrong, but if Steve didn’t turn him loose there was going to be another Romance Novel Edition of awkward happening and having to deal with it every morning was bad enough without it happening during the day too. He got his arms free and shoved Steve off of him then grabbed the edge of the blanket and rolled round until he was completely covered by it. At least Steve wouldn’t be able to get to him like this. Maybe.

He did not all squeal when Steve picked him up, blanket and all, and started walking with him. He squirmed trying to work his way out of the blanket, having done too good of a job to get loose easily, and yelped when he was dumped unceremoniously in what he was pretty sure was the bathtub. His suspicions were confirmed moments later when he heard the water turn on and Steve cackling like a madman.

By the time he managed to free himself from the Comforter of Doom he and the giant blanket were completely soaked in freezing cold water. He glared when he found Steve still watching him from the doorway with a huge grin as he reached over to turn the water off. At least he didn’t have to worry about awkward erections since his balls had moved a lot further north than where they usually lived.

“I’ll get you back for this.”

Steve only giggled again then walked out of the bathroom with a swagger. The asshole.

***

“There’s a coffee shop around the block from the community center. Want to go?”

Steve hummed and Bucky stepped further into the spare room Steve was using as his art studio. Half-finished canvases were leaned against one wall; blank canvases were stacked against another. The third wall was nothing but shelf upon shelf of clear shoebox sized tubs of art supplies. Some were acrylics, some were oils, some were watercolors and there was a lonely box of pastels. The brushes and was that a putty knife? that Steve wasn’t using were bristle end up in paint splattered mason jars. Jugs of walnut oil and turpentine were sat on the floor underneath the bottom shelf.

Bucky walked over to Steve careful to stay out of his light and glanced over the canvas he was scraping paint on. Was that a blade from a box knife? Blues, silvers, reds, and greens were streaked across a black canvas. It looked like a more gothic version of aurora borealis. It looked peaceful in an odd way. The way the paint was being scraped on screamed violence; sharp, controlled. The painting itself, what there was of it, Bucky thought might be an endless cosmos. Shapeless forms rolling across a dark sky, far from any place where there was any life, any light. It was so much darker than anything he’d seen of Steve’s from the gallery photos. What the hell was going on in Steve’s poor head?

Bucky waited until Steve had pulled the blade back from his canvas before speaking again. “Steve?”

The blonde jumped, almost dropping the blade, and spun toward Bucky. “What the fuck?”

“Um…” Bucky glanced at the canvas, suddenly feeling guilty for seeing it before it was finished, then looked back to Steve. “There’s a coffee shop I wanna try near the community center. I wanted to know if you wanted to go with me.”

“Is this where you get me back for dumping you in the bathtub?”

“No, because I am above such petty nonsense.” He totally wasn’t above it and it was definitely where he was going to get Steve back for trying to drown him in the bathtub. He'd already changed Steve's ringtone to _Cold as Ice_ by Foreigner.

“Uh huh.” Yeah, Bucky didn’t blame Steve for not believing him.

“If you’re busy it’s fine, I just wanted to see if they had anything good.”

“No, I should…I should probably take a break anyway.” Steve looked to the painting, eyes flicking over the shapeless forms, fingers twitching like they wanted nothing more than to touch the wet paint. “Let me clean up.”

“Okay.” Bucky nodded and walked out of the studio, stopping in the doorway to turn and watch Steve for a moment. Steve slumped on the stool he’d been sitting on, blade dropping to the floor, paint streaked hands resting palm up on his knees. He looked physically exhausted now where only moments ago he’d looked, not excited, but not nearly so tired. What the hell was going on?

Bucky wanted to rush over to him and give him a hug, promise him that whatever was going on would be okay, instead he turned away from what he was sure was supposed to be a private moment and walked into the living room to sit on the couch and stare at the TV where he’d put Doctor Who on for background noise while he had cleaned his guns. He hadn’t gotten much cleaning done. Especially whenever Jack showed up. He had a soft spot for Jack Harkness okay, sue him. He’d wanted to watch Torchwood again, but didn’t feel like crying over Ianto and Jack (again) and having to explain to Steve why he’d been crying.

“You ready, Buck?”

“Yeah.” Bucky looked up to see that Steve had washed off the worst of the paint and changed his clothes from the baggy thread-worn jeans and powder blue paint splattered shirt to one of his ridiculously tight white t-shirts and a pair of snug dark wash jeans. Why? Why the hell did Steve continuously wear shirts that were three sizes too small? It was like his t-shirts were the reverse of the Grinch’s heart growing however many times. Steve was a filthy fuckin’ tease. “Coffee.” What? Steve might as well have not had a shirt on, like anyone would be able to think with him around.

***

Bucky dragged Steve into the coffee shop and immediately zeroed in on the menu behind the counter. Most of it was typical coffee shop stuff, but they had boozy coffees too. He knew better though. If he got drunk around Steve he’d wind up missing twenty minutes again like he had on their wedding night. Maybe after they finished up their so far boring as shit mission he’d come back for booze coffee.

As it was he wanted to get something weird so when the super perky girl behind the counter asked for his order he got the largest dark chocolate raspberry Frappuccino they would make him with four shots of espresso. “And he’ll take an Iced Americano,” he said with only the quietest of giggles as he jerked his thumb toward Steve. He then dropped a twenty down on the counter and took off toward the back of the shop so Steve would have to be polite and wait for their coffees instead of chasing him down to dump said coffee on his head.

He sat with his back to the wall in the far corner so he could keep his eyes on the exits out of habit. But mostly so he could see the affronted rage on Steve’s face as he walked over carrying not only their two cups of coffee but a giant chocolate muffin. He laughed quietly as Steve sat down and pushed the Iced Americano toward him, keeping his Frappuccino for himself.

“I can’t begin to tell you how old that joke is.”

“Oh, I know. Stark told me. It’s fucking hilarious.” Bucky picked up the Americano and took a drink with a grimace. Blech. Still, he wouldn’t give Steve the satisfaction of whining for his dark chocolate raspberry madness. He might however whine for what he now saw was a chocolate chocolate chip muffin which only lacked being a cupcake by not having any icing. Seriously, muffins were just naked cupcakes. Ask anyone.

He looked over when the door opened and saw John and Carlos walk in. They still hadn’t managed to get dinner with them pinned down, but when Carlos looked over and saw them he waved excitedly and pointed them out to his husband. John nodded with a wave of his own and Bucky knew he and Steve were fixing to be roped into joining them for dinner finally.

“Neighbors are here,” Bucky murmured looking back to Steve. Steve nodded tearing the muffin in half and then handed one of those halves to Bucky. Sweet. “Thank you, baby.” Steve’s eyes shot to his in shock and then he seemed to remember they had parts to play. Like Bucky was going to be stupid enough to call him baby on a regular basis. How mortifying would that be to accidentally call him baby when they were talking about a mission or something? Eek.

“You’re welcome, sugar.”

Goddammit, Rogers. Bucky blushed as if on cue. He still didn’t know why that stupid term of endearment made him blush. Doll and sugar, and ugh. _Why?_ That wasn’t the worst of it though. Bucky knew it was coming. The one term of endearment that both embarrassed and turned him on. He didn’t know why.

John and Carlos walked over to their table to say high and Steve’s, stupid perfect Steve, invited them to join him and Bucky. And then there it was. His most feared term of endearment. “Baby doll, come sit by me so John and Carlos can sit together.” He almost whimpered, trying so hard not to blush but knew he’d failed when the three men surrounding him laughed.

“You’re still in the honeymoon phase, huh,” Carlos asked. Bucky nodded and took a sip of his nasty Americano.

“I uh…didn’t really…”

“Jamie is a bit shy and he’s still not used to being called anything sweet.”

“How long have you been together?”

“Just shy of five years. Only been married six weeks.”

***

Bucky mostly kept quiet while Steve talked to their neighbors, not so subtly switching their coffees around at one point and sharing a smile with Carlos when Steve took a sip and kept right on talking like he hadn’t noticed Bucky had switched the Americano for the Frappuccino. Bucky hadn’t at all gotten distracted from their conversation until he noticed Steve licking the chocolate from the naked cupcake off of his thumb. Every thought that didn’t involve Steve licking chocolate off of body parts flew out the window. Who the hell knew muffins could be sexy?

After that he’d gotten teased by John and Carlos, he and Steve had agreed to have dinner with them that night, and then they’d managed their escape by claiming that Steve had to get back to the house for a conference call with someone that wanted to hire him for a portrait. Since Bucky was technically his housewife and didn’t have a job.

On the way home they had swung by the liquor store and grabbed a bottle of twelve dollar wine that Steve had frowned at until Bucky had grabbed another bottle of it and a bottle of more expensive wine. Bucky made him taste test when they got home and Steve learned that just because it was more expensive didn’t mean it tasted better. Bucky knew his good cheap wines from his bad expensive wines. If John and Carlos didn’t like it they could suck it.

Dinner had been uneventful in that Bucky didn’t see anything that screamed Hydra about either John or Carlos, except maybe the horrible plaid and floral printed curtains in their living room. No one would ever willingly choose plaid with flowers. At least no one should. So probably they were Hydra since one or the both of them were evil enough to mix the two prints. Other than that they seemed fine. Hysterically funny, charming, oozing confidence. They just flat out didn’t give a shit and it was honestly refreshing. Though Bucky was pretty sure some of it was put on for his and Steve’s benefit. Either way it had been kind of fun.

And it had been where he and Steve learned about Tammy, the neighbor on the other side of Steve and Bucky’s cottage. She had been gone to visit her husband who worked out of town a lot, but now she was back. Apparently no one knew what her husband did or even what his name was. She never talked about him except to say he was gone for work a lot and Carlos and John had only ever seen him twice and he and Tammy had lived there for years now. Bucky and Steve had shared a look, both of them acknowledging that it was very fishy.

And it turned out that Tammy needed to back the fuck off of Steve. The very next morning when Steve had gone out for his run because he liked to torture Bucky with visions of him in those damn shorts and Under Armor shirts every single fucking day, Tammy had practically run out of her house to meet him on the sidewalk. Which Bucky totally hadn’t seen from where he hadn’t been creeping at the living room window, so he hadn’t found out about it until Steve had come back from his run all sweaty and gross. (It wasn’t as gross as it should’ve been.)

The next day it happened again. Bucky had seen her in her skimpy workout clothes, throwing herself at Steve and the big lug was polite enough to stop and talk to her, either not paying attention to her bad flirting or actually not noticing it. Well Bucky saw it and that was too much. The minute she put her hand on Steve’s arm Bucky was filling up a sports bottle with ice water and after yanking his shirt off and throwing it in the general direction of the living room he walked out of the house and rushed over to Steve and the floozy.

“Hey sweetheart, you forgot your water again.” He or may not have played it up a little bit as he handed Steve the bottle and patted him on the chest with his left hand, making sure his wedding ring flashed as he looked at Tammy. “He’s so forgetful.” He laughed at his stupid joke, like Steve ever forgot anything. “I’m James, Grant’s husband. And you are?” He knew exactly who that fucking floozy was. Had read everything he could find on her. Unfortunately she wasn’t mixed up in anything illegal from what he could tell so he couldn’t have her arrested. Not that he’d be so petty as to have her arrested for flirting with his husband. Fake husband. Whatever.

“Oh, I didn’t realize he was married. He didn’t say anything about it yesterday.” Well that was a fuckin’ lie and Bucky knew it. Steve was too damn polite to forget to mention his husband.

“You must’ve misheard him then. Grant talks about me so much it’s embarrassing.” Bucky hadn’t a clue as to what was going on. He couldn’t be jealous of some blonde bimbo because she’d thrown herself at Steve right? Probably it was like…secondhand embarrassment for her or something. He had given her a sharp smile that promised pain if she didn’t back off and then turned his back to her and wrapped himself around Steve. “Go get your run in, baby. I’ll have breakfast waitin’ for ya.” And then Bucky had kissed him with every suppressed emotion he’d been burying since their fake wedding and walked back to the house.

And now, a week later, he was staring out the window, glaring toward her house. She still hadn’t let up on her flirting. Bucky knew she was mostly doing it to piss him off, but God was it working.

“What are you staring at?”

Bucky didn’t at all jump when Steve spoke. He heard a quiet chuckle and then a mug of coffee was being held up by his shoulder. He took it with a murmured thank you and closed his eyes as he breathed in the scent of his coffee and then took a sip. Who cared what time of day it was, Bucky lived on coffee and junk food.

“Yard needs mowed,” Bucky said after a moment so he wouldn’t have to tell Steve he was glaring at Tammy’s house. “Didn’t have to worry about stuff like this in the city, huh?”

“No, we didn’t.”

“Do you know how to mow a yard?”

“No. You?”

“Nuh uh. We can hire someone probably.”

“There’s a mower in the shed in the backyard.”

“There is?”

“Yeah. Stark said. I can probably figure it out. It can’t be that hard.”

Turned out that mowing a yard was hard. Not in that they couldn’t figure out the mower or that it was actually difficult to push it. No, it was hard because it was hot outside and Steve had whipped his shirt off like five minutes into walking the push mower across the yard and all those sweaty glistening muscles were calling Bucky’s name. Steve was even getting a little bit of a tan instead of burning like he usually did when they were in the sun for long periods of time. Which, how? Because as far as Bucky knew Stark had yet to develop SPF 10,000 to keep Steve’s pale and pasty skin from burning. Bucky figured the tan and any pink spots of a burn would be gone the next day, but he didn’t care.

Steve was outside in the sun, sweat shining on his skin and Bucky was hiding in the kitchen window behind the curtain being a creeper and watching all those muscles gleam as Steve pushed the mower. His shoulders and biceps bunched, pectorals heaved, abs clenched, and Christ his back was unf. Bucky wanted to drag his tongue over every single inch of him. Wanted to taste the sun and salt on Steve’s skin. Wanted to just push him down in the freshly shorn grass and ride him off into the sunset. Instead he watched for just a few minutes longer, long enough to feel guilty about his erection and then ran to take a cold shower.

When he got out he could still hear the mower and peeked out windows until he found that Steve was now mowing the front yard. Steve was still sweaty and glowing and perfect and Bucky was being a creeper again so he went into the kitchen to make Steve a glass of ice water. He wasn’t the only creeper, apparently, because as he carried the glass out onto the porch he saw Carlos, John, and Tammy, all watching from their own porches. _I know fellow citizens. I know_. He grinned at them, faking laughter at Tammy’s definitely fake blush and Carlos and John’s lewd winks then walked out into the yard to give Steve his glass and possibly ogle him for another moment before going into his office and digging around some more. He did actually need to work at some point even if he hadn’t found anything so far.

There was something fishy about Tammy, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. It definitely wasn’t just jealousy about how she acted around Steve. Twirling her bleach blonde hair around a finger, popping her bubble gum, pushing her breasts out like Steve ever looked at them, and giggling at his lame dad jokes. Steve saved all the good jokes for him, so fuck you Tammy. Bucky didn’t kiss his ass and hope for his attention. He didn’t even have to work for Steve’s attention because he gave it to him willingly. So ha! And when Steve saw him coming he lifted his hands from the mower, shutting it off, and smiled happily. Seriously, fuck you Tammy.

“Hey, doll.”

“Hi, baby.” Yeah, he was going to lay it on thick if there were witnesses. It was for work. Really it was. He grinned stepping into Steve’s bubble, biting back a sigh at the heat and the scent of salt, and sweat, and grass coming off of Steve’s skin. “I brought you some water. You looked thirsty.” He bit his bottom lip to hide a grin as Steve’s eyes glinted mischievously.

“I am.” He said it with a low growl in his voice and Bucky pretended he hadn’t shuddered as Steve took the glass of ice water and took a drink and then poured the rest of the glass over his head sending water streaming down his face, neck and chest. Oh, the sexy asshole. It shouldn’t have been as hot as it was. Who dumped ice water on themselves? It really wasn’t hot, though. It was ridiculous. _Yeah, ridiculously hot._

“Showing off for the neighbors,” Bucky shook his head sadly and then yelped with a dopey laugh when Steve dropped the glass in the freshly shorn grass and grabbed his hips, pulling him close enough to be plastered against him.

“This is showing off for the neighbors,” Steve murmured then slanted his mouth over Bucky’s. He shuddered as Steve swept his tongue into his mouth, the cold from the ice water contrasting strangely nice with the heat of Steve’s lips. He sighed into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Steve, hands sliding over the sweat slicked skin of his back. It should’ve been gross. It was gross. Steve was all sweaty and he’d just gotten out of the shower and now his shirt and pajama pants were soaking up Steve’s sweat. It really wasn’t nearly as gross as it should’ve been. Steve finally turned him loose and he did his Drunken Norwegian Moose routine, swaying and stumbling back from him. “Thanks for the water, baby doll.”

“Uh huh.” He grinned stupidly, not at all faking it this time, and didn’t at all sigh wistfully when Steve bent down to pick up the glass. He didn’t! It was a tired sigh. It wasn’t wistful or longing or anything else like that. He _didn’t_ do that.

“Go in, Jamie. You look a little hot,” Steve said as he handed him the glass and turned back to the mower.

“You look hot.” He did. It was embarrassing how hot Steve looked mowing the damn yard.

Steve laughed and Bucky rushed back to the porch when he heard the mower start back. John and Carlos were waiting on him there and Tammy had apparently gone back in with a huff. Yeah, he knew how gorgeous Steve was, inside and out, but damn he was a married man and that floozy needed to back the fuck off his husband. He wasn’t jealous. He really wasn’t. She just needed to realize that she didn’t have a chance in hell and stop throwing herself at Steve.

“You think she’s really married even,” John asked, his voice not quite a whisper. “Her husband’s always gone for work. She has pizza delivered every Tuesday. Pizza guy always goes in for a bit.”

“And her cable goes out a lot. And her pool is always meticulously cleaned.”

“And the guy that mows her yard always goes in for a drink.”

“Dunno, but she ain’t gettin’ Grant.”

“Oh, honey, we know. He’s so in love with you it makes me want to spit.”

“You think so,” Bucky asked before he could stop himself. Steve was just playing a part. That’s all it was. He was supposed to fool everyone into thinking he was desperately in love with his husband. That was the fucking point of all this mess. Partially the point anyway.

“I know so, James. All those little furtive glances and sweet smiles when you’re not looking. The happy smiles when you are. Showing off for you every chance he gets even though you’re already married.” Carlos smiled and patted Bucky on the shoulder.

“That is a man in love,” John added. “He loves you just as much as you love him.”

_If only._

“Yeah. Wanna come in and listen to me whine about how perfect he is over beer?”

“We’d love to, but uh…” John subtly nodded toward Steve and Bucky looked over to see him giving him a heated glance. Oh, if only that look was real. “I think you got plans after your hubby gets done mowing the yard.”

“Wouldn’t want to let that go to waste, huh?”

“You two should come over for brunch tomorrow. We’ll drink mimosas and bitch about Tammy.”

Bucky laughed, finally tearing his eyes away from Steve. “Sounds like a plan.” He really hoped John and Carlos didn’t turn out to be Hydra douchecanoes. He actually really liked them. Tammy, on the other hand, he really fucking hoped was Hydra. He wanted to take that bitch down.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Also, I'm gonna do something special for y'all when/if this hits 20k views. Just for shits and giggles I thought I'd do like a little interview type thingy with the characters and I figured I'd let y'all ask the questions. So anyways, I'll have more on that later on and if you'll follow me on tumblr @lilyinthesnow you'll see it there. I'd put a link but for some reason AO3 is not allowing me to.**
> 
> **I'll also do a post here on AO3 for the Q &A as well so don't worry if you don't have a tumblr. <3**


	12. The Thunder Rolls and the Lightning Strikes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I used a Garth Brooks song for the title. Keeping strictly to the line from the song, like literally, it fits. Don't read into it if you've ever heard that song because this so far removed from that it's not funny. Also, while the Garth Brooks version is good (for being country that I may or may not have listened to in my tiny youth) listen to [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36Vs_JoIvjA) cover of The Thunder Rolls by All That Remains.
> 
> This has been beta'd by the ever amazing [SergeantFreezerburn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SergeantFreezerburn/pseuds/SergeantFreezerburn) All remaining errors are my own.
> 
> Read this it's awesome! It's a Zombie Apocalypse Stucky AU [The Crisis](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15010373/chapters/34792823)

 

 

Bucky’s eyes snapped open at the sound of heavy wind, rain, and thunder. Blinding flashes of lightning lit up their bedroom, even through the blackout curtains. Where the hell did the storm come from? He rolled over, pulling away from where he and Steve were tangled together - the pillow walls had somehow kept winding up on the floor overnight, so he’d given up on them - and buried his head under his pillow. It didn’t help much, but it was better than nothing. Wasn’t as good as laying his head on Steve’s chest and snuggling either, but he’d always hated thunderstorms.

Steve shifted, spooning up against him, and burying his head under Bucky’s pillow with him. “S’jus a storm, Buck. Go back to sleep.”

“Don’t know if I can.”

“Scared of storms?” He didn’t ask it like he was making fun of him for it, just curious and a little worried.

Christ, Steve was such a fucking sweetheart. It was so unfair. “No, just don’t like ‘em.”

“The noise, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“S’ok, Buck.” Steve wrapped his arms around him tightly, cuddling as close as possible, and pressed his forehead to the back of his neck. “I gotcha,” he murmured, brushing his lips against Bucky’s skin lightly. Bucky shivered and hoped Steve thought it was because of the storm. “You’re all right, doll.”

Bucky closed his eyes, forcing himself to release the tension in his body and relax in Steve’s hold. He’d worry about shit later. It was just a storm and it was just Steve holding him until it passed.

He was almost back asleep when a rhythmic pounding made his eyes snap back open. The hell? When he realized it was someone at the door, he grabbed his Glock from between the mattress and box spring and his Gerber LHR from its sheath that was duct taped to the back of the headboard. Steve had yet to stir, apparently having an easier time falling asleep than Bucky did, and Bucky nudged him with his elbow.

“Steve? There’s someone at the door.”

The blonde opened his eyes with a quiet groan, then rolled off of the bed and reached under it for his shield. “Time is it?”

“Almost daylight. Who’s gonna be out in a storm like this?”

“No one with good intentions.”

Bucky nodded, and they slowly made their way to the front door where the knocking had started again. Steve stepped to the side so he could open it with his shield up in front of him and Bucky stood behind him with his gun aimed over Steve’s shoulder. They were probably being paranoid, but normal people didn’t go out in storms like this. If it was a neighbor, there was no way they were going to get out of this though. Shit. Bucky lowered the Glock and put the safety back on, then tucked it in his waistband. The LHR got sat on the side table and he pushed Steve’s shield down, then took it from him and put it behind the door where one of them could still get to it if they needed it.

Bucky raised a hand to the switch for 1500 watt porch light - unnecessarily bright but good for temporarily blinding people - and Steve nodded, then unlocked the door as quietly as possible. Bucky flipped the light on,Steve swung the door open, and they both gasped at the figure standing on their porch. Steve probably had different reasons than Bucky did, but holy shit the rugged looking dude was fine. Not Sexy Lumberjack Steve fine, but fine enough that if Bucky hadn’t been head over heels in love with Steve he would have climbed him like a tree. So long as he wasn’t a bad guy anyway.

Fine As Hell had short blonde hair that looked like it had been cut by someone who had gotten a little happy with a pair of hair clippers, and an eye patch over one eye like a sexy pirate. His remaining eye was super blue almost like Steve’s, and he was wearing a jean jacket over a hoodie, jeans that were baggy but still hugged him in all the right places, and black leather boots with lug soles. Bucky looked him over from head to toe once again before meeting his eye.

He grinned at Bucky and Bucky did not almost swoon. He didn’t! It was super early in the morning and he was tired. Why the hell did he have to be blonde and blue eyed, huh? And seriously stacked from what Bucky could tell. Dude almost put Steve to shame. “Can I help you?”

“Hey, Thor.” Steve spoke from behind him and Bucky almost jumped. He’d forgotten he was there for a moment.

“What?” How was that Thor? Last time Bucky had seen pictures of the thunder god he’d had long hair and both eyes. What the hell had happened since he’d been gone? That couldn’t be Thor.

“Hello.”

“Wha?”

Steve gently moved Bucky aside and now that Bucky was alert enough to pay attention instead of just being able to stare, he realized that the dude walking inside was suspiciously dry for having been standing in the middle of a storm. So yeah…Thor. Holy shit, he’d been ogling Thor! Not that he hadn’t before, just not in front of Steve. Not that he and Steve had anything going on, he just wished they did. And how the hell was he supposed to know it was Thor when he’d never seen him in person before?

Steve stepped aside to let Thor further inside, and Bucky could only stare. How was this fair? Why the hell did he have to be surrounded by the two hottest dudes on the planet and not get to climb either one of them? Well, he only really wanted to climb Steve, but Thor was still hot as fuck and maybe even a little bit more so than before, since now he was all pirate-y.

“You got a haircut.” Steve grinned and gave Thor a tight hug.

“You copied my beard.” Steve rolled his eyes with a smile as he turned Thor loose and Bucky couldn’t help but give a soft smile of his own. Jeez, Steve was so fuckin’ adorable. His beard looked better than Thor’s, too. Or maybe he was just biased. Either way he was standing in his pajamas surrounded by hot blondes and it was kind of awesome. A lot awesome really, but still so damned disappointing because neither of them was gonna strip him down and have their way with him. And he should probably better say something because he couldn’t let his thoughts devolve any more than that, he was only wearing his pajama pants and the fabric wasn’t thick or heavy enough to hide that kind of issue.

“Um…”

“Oh!” Steve’s eyes widened like he’d forgotten Bucky was there and really he couldn’t blame him for that, because _Thor_. “Thor, this is Bucky. Bucky, meet Thor.”

“Hi.” Bucky reached forward to shake Thor’s hand and yelped at a tiny bit of static electricity that zapped his fingers.

“Oh. Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay. So uh…what brings you here?”

“Stark told me about your marriage. I thought it best to give my congratulations in person and apologize for being unable to attend your wedding.”

“Oh! Um…me and Steve, we’re uh…”

Shit-starter Steve opened his big fat mouth and Bucky glared at him, only to be given the biggest shit eating grin he’d ever seen. “Thank you, Thor. I know if you’d been able to be here you would have been.”

“Still. I thought I’d bring you a gift.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” Bucky told him before Steve could say anything else. “It wasn’t a big deal, really.” _It was fake. Really fucking fake!_

“Weddings are rarely no big deal, Bucky.” Thor gave him a long look he couldn’t decipher and suddenly he felt like a bug pinned to a board. Did Thor know how he felt about Steve? It was possible, since he’d talked to Tony. Hell he’d probably talked to everyone else too. “Even ones that take place out of necessity can turn into something more.”

There wasn’t any turning. There would be no turns and what the hell? Suddenly he was getting relationship advice from a freaking Norse god? Like he even needed relationship advice. There wasn’t even a relationship to need advice for. Steve didn’t like him like that. Bucky had no hope of ever getting together with Steve Rogers. What was his life?

“Uh…sure. Just um…you want some coffee or something? I’m gonna make coffee.” He spun around on his heels and pretended he wasn’t running away as he walked - at a completely normal pace speed thank you very freakin’ much - into the kitchen to use the best coffee machine ever. He had a feeling it was going to be a full pot of Death Coffee kind of day. Even if drinking more than two cups gave him heart palpitations from the level of caffeine he’d consumed. Worth it.

It wasn’t until he’d poured three cups of coffee that he realized he didn’t know if Sexy Pirate Thor even drank coffee. He’d loaded his up with creamer and sugar, put the barest hint of both in Steve’s, but left Thor’s black. He’d just been turning to take them into the living room when Steve and Thor walked into the kitchen. Thor was now carrying a large cardboard box that was haphazardly tied with red, white, and blue ribbon. Bucky would bet his left arm that Stark had picked out the ribbon.

He sat their coffees on the small kitchen table and frowned in confusion when Thor handed him the box. Shouldn’t he have handed it to Steve since he was his friend? Let Steve open it? “Oh, no. I uh…you should give this to Steve.” Bucky tried to hand it to him, but Steve only shook his head and picked up his coffee mug. One that Bucky had brought from his own apartment and Steve had promptly stolen. It was black with a holographic sticker of Steve’s shield on it. Steve had said he was keeping it because it was obviously meant for him since his shield was on it. Bucky figured Steve was actually keeping it because it held twenty-four ounces of coffee instead of ten. Bucky had wound up drinking out of their boring white mugs because Steve always stole his.

“You should open it, Buck. It’s for both of us anyway. I’ll see it after you do.”

Bucky nodded with a heavy sigh, then sat the box on the table, watching from the corner of his eye as Thor shucked off his hoodie, leaving him in a too tight purple t-shirt, and then picked up the mug of black coffee and took a sip. His eyes widened as he looked down at the mug and Bucky bit back a grin when Thor smiled and took a longer drink. Welcome to Death Coffee, Sexy Pirate Thor.

“You gonna open it, Buck?” Steve grinned at him and Bucky sighed again as he untied the ribbon. The flaps on the box popped up and he yelped when a burst of condoms and lube packets exploded out of the box like confetti, covering the table and floor. It was raining condoms and lube. What the ever-loving shit was that! He was pretty sure it was supposed to be raining men and not condoms. But there were the condoms and lube he’d been so certain Stark would throw at them. Only Tony could be behind that level of bullshit.

Steve and Thor were giggling and Bucky wasn’t at all blushing as he scooped the little foil packets off of the table to dump them back into the box. Thor was just as much of a shithead as Steve apparently. There was a packet of cherry flavored lube floating in his coffee mug. Ugh. By the time he’d gotten it all picked up the blondes had quit giggling aside from the occasional snort of amusement.

“Thank you, Thor. Though, _for some reason_ , I suspect that Tony had something to do with this.”

That set the blondes off on another round of giggling and Bucky sighed, then carried the box out of the kitchen to hide in the very back of his and Steve’s closet, buried under a pile of shoes neither one of them wore. Steve only wore two of the several pair that he owned: a pair of sneakers for when he was going on his morning jogs and a pair of boots for everyday wear. Bucky wore boots himself. The pair that matched his eyes, his black patent pair, and a pink holographic pair. So for some reason the fact that there was about twenty pairs of shoes in the closet that never got touched amused Bucky to no end, and they’d definitely hide the box of lube and condoms that would never get used. At least not by him and Steve like they were meant to. He really wanted to go through them with Steve and maybe try to seduce him over one of those condoms with the little bumps and ridges on them and one of the many packets of lube though.

He tucked his gun away and then walked back to get his coffee so he could go back to bed and escape the two dorks in the kitchen, where another present waited on the table. This one was actually wrapped neatly, albeit in Avengers wrapping paper and oh, hey, it was the updated one with him on it. He grinned and flicked his wrapping paper self in the mask (he didn’t want his face shown everywhere and never worked without it anyway), then turned the box and showed himself to Steve. “I’m on wrapping paper! That’s so cool.”

“Yeah, it is, Buck.” Steve’s eyes glittered and Bucky thought he’d seen a flash of something, even if he couldn’t tell what it was, before he looked back to the box. “Open it.”

“If more condoms fly out I’m going to smack both of you around.”

“They won’t,” Thor told him with a grin. It didn’t make him feel any better, but he carefully unwrapped it and then lifted the lid. What he saw made him grin. Until he realized the implications of what it was and he frowned down at the six pound tub of Nutella. Fucking Sam! Why the hell were they pushing him and Steve together? All this shit was fake. Did none of them realize that? What he and Steve were doing here was for the mission. Nothing more. They weren’t going to suddenly declare their undying love and fall into bed, okay? That shit didn’t happen in real life and as much as Bucky enjoyed them, he wasn’t going to take relationship cues from a romance novel.

“What is it, Buck?”

“Nutella.” He lifted the tub to show Steve then dropped it back in the box and carried it with him to hide it beside the condoms and lube. That tub of Nutella was not for eating. It was for illicit activities that only Sam knew he’d thought about. It was a not-so-subtle hint that he needed to talk to Steve, but did none of them realize that what he felt for the blonde was fucking unrequited? Steve didn’t want him. He was just very convincing for the mission. He had to be. No one would buy it otherwise and they couldn’t afford to fuck this up so Bucky was just going to have to suffer through it and after this was all over he’d say his goodbyes and he’d never see any of them again. It was fine. It was perfect. It was…it was the stupidest fucking plan he’d ever had, but it would have to do.

He walked back into the kitchen with a weak smile and saw Steve folding up the wrapping paper he had refused to tear up when opening the box. Bucky figured it was left over from Steve’s Depression days where you saved anything you could to have it for later because you never knew when or if you’d ever be able to get it ever again.

“Thank you, Thor. I uh…that was nice. I guess Sam told you I like Nutella.”

“He did. I bought myself some as well. It’s amazing and you’re welcome.”

“Yeah it is.” _It would be even better if you were licking it off of Steve,_ Shoulder Devil Sam whispered in his ear and he twitched with an annoyed sigh. Stupid Shoulder Devil Sam. Reminding him of past ideas like that. He couldn’t deal with shit right this moment. “I’m uh…kind of tired still. I’m gonna go back to sleep for a little bit. You two have fun.” He grabbed his coffee mug off of the table and carried it with him as he fled the kitchen.

***

He didn’t go back to sleep. He was too wired from the adrenaline caused by the storm and Thor’s sudden appearance looking like a sexy pirate. And maybe a little bit from his coffee. He lay on the bed hugging his pillow to his chest as he stared at the ceiling and tried to tune out the sounds of Steve and Thor doing whatever it was they usually did in a kitchen. Steve was probably fixing to burn more pancakes and eggs for breakfast. Maybe Thor knew how to cook? Though Bucky couldn’t quite imagine him standing in the kitchen and wearing an apron that said Kiss Me I’m Irish like the one that had shown up in their mail and that Steve now wore every time he tried to cook something.

He heard a crash outside the house and rolled off the bed, crawled to the window, and then raised up just enough to peek out of the hideous white curtains with their tiny yellow flowers that Steve had picked out to drive him crazy. He saw that part of their fence was down, probably from the storm, and The Floozy was dragging a heavy black garbage bag to her garbage can that was tucked away beside her house. He saw a smear of what was either some really manky garbage juice or possibly blood streaking the ground as she dragged the bag. His heart raced and an excited grin stretched his lips before he could stop it. Maybe it was blood and he could finally get rid of her. He paused with a grimace when he realized that meant she’d possible killed someone or something and felt terror mix with anticipation. Jeez, he wasn’t that mean was he? As soon as she went back inside he would be sneaking over to see what the fuck was in the bag. As much as he hated to admit it, even to himself, he hoped it wasn’t a body. She hefted it into the trash can and then closed and locked the lid, grimacing at a smear of maybe blood dripping down her leg.

Bucky watched her walk back around her house then stepped into his boots and snuck out the backdoor. He crept walked through the backyard like he owned the place, which he kinda did, because it would be highly suspicious if anyone saw him sneaking through his own yard. That was the easiest way to get caught. If you didn’t want to get busted, you had to act like you knew what you were doing, even if you didn’t. When he got to the edge of the yard he peeked around the downed side of the fence to make sure she wasn’t standing at any of the windows and then quietly made his way over to the garbage can.

He took a steadying breath as he unlocked it, then held his breath as he opened the can and peeked down at the bag. Flies were already buzzing around and damn, when was the last time she cleaned the fucking garbage can? He reached down with his left hand and tore open the bag enough to see inside it and frowned at the magazines on the top. Shit, he was going to have to dig in it. But later. He’d sneak back out after dark and go through it. Gross. Who the hell needed that many magazines anyway? There had to be forty of the damn things. He let out the breath he’d been holding and grimaced as he scented the air for blood. There was definitely blood under the rest of the nasty smell, but it didn’t smell human. Don’t ask him how he knew that. He pulled the edges of the tear back together so The Floozy hopefully wouldn’t notice someone had been in her trash then closed it and took a closer look at the smear of yuck on the concrete path. It didn’t smell like human blood, but it definitely wasn’t just garbage juice. He shook his head and then went back to the cottage after checking to make sure no one was looking.

He snuck back into the bedroom and started a shower. He felt so gross after digging in the trash. It wasn’t the first time he’d done it. Probably wouldn’t even be the last, but it seemed worse this time. Probably because it belonged to the hussy that was trying to steal his husband. Fake husband. Steve. She was trying to steal Steve and it was not at all okay. Even if he and Steve weren’t really together, she needed to just…not. They were pretend married and she needed to acknowledge sanctity of their pretend marriage and the pretend vows they’d made to each other and leave Steve alone.

***

When he got out of the shower he dressed in a pair of skinny jeans and a ratty blue t-shirt that might have actually been Steve’s but, oh well, it was comfy, and took his coffee cup with him to the kitchen, not at all looking at Steve and Thor from the corner of his eye as he moved past the living room. He didn’t need to see them curled up together on the couch or whatever it was they did when they hung out together. Okay, so they weren’t cuddling, but they were each sitting on one end of the couch, both of them turned to face the other as they chatted. Something about Loki stabbing Thor and trying to stab some dude with a strange name. Wasn’t surprising honestly. Bucky hadn’t been stateside for the whole aliens flying through a wormhole above Stark Tower thing, but he’d heard plenty and seen plenty of footage of it. Loki did look particularly stabby. And apparently Thor was king now? But he’d moved them all to Norway for whatever reason. Which, yeah okay. Norway made sense. Vikings and all that. They probably fit in perfectly. But Bucky didn’t know any of that because he hadn’t been accidently eavesdropping while he refilled his coffee. It wasn’t his fault his hearing was so good.

***

Thor was actually pretty cool to hang out with. He wasn’t nearly as stuck up as Bucky thought he might have been. Didn’t do the whole thy and thou and thine and art and all that shit. He sounded like a normal dude with an accent that was kind of British but not really? It was whatever. He was cool and when Carlos had gone to the cottage to seriously borrow a cup of sugar and seen Thor, he’d stood there for a long moment, unable to speak. Bucky gave him a commiserating salute with the sugar from where he’d stood in the kitchen. Oh, he knew, Carlos. He knew. Thor had given Carlos an amused smile and Steve had failed majorly at introducing him.

“This is my…brother. Th-”

“Theo,” Bucky had told Carlos as he walked backed into the living room. “Theo, this is our neighbor Carlos.”

Thor had gone along with it naturally and Bucky had given him a thankful smile then lead Carlos out of the house and patted his hand until he’d regained the ability to speak.

“Bitch, why didn’t you tell me he had a hot brother!” Carlos slapped his hand away then took the sugar and stomped back to his house while muttering under his breath about hot blondes and it not being fair and why couldn’t they just like join a swingers club or something because it just wasn’t fair that James had a super-hot husband and a super-hot brother-in-law and Carlos only had John.

***

That night Bucky had snuck back over to The Floozy’s and gone through her trash again, flipping through dozens of magazines but not finding anything. Under the magazines had only been kitchen garbage and no bodies. He figured she only had the magazines because her husband was gone so much and she was a bored housewife. Except that was too easy. He’d have to start going through her trash and maybe commit a little B&E. Just to make sure she wasn’t Hydra. Not because he wanted to plant evidence or anything. He wasn’t that crazy jealous. Yet.

Still, he needed to break into Carlos and John’s house too, now that he knew their patterns. He and Steve needed to plant the undetectable bugs Tony had made for them. He could just plant some at Tammy’s house and hope he caught something on them. He was also going to tap their phones and plug in the USB drives Tony had uploaded a virus to so they could spy on their computers. And he and Steve still had to check out the adoption agencies that had been mentioned to them and the adoption lawyers too. Just to make sure they were legitimate businesses and not involved with the illegal acquisition of babies because that shit didn’t fly. In other words, Bucky and Steve needed to stop fucking around and do more work.

***

The next morning Bucky went out to get the morning paper off of the porch and waved when he saw John stepping outside to let Tiffany and Coco out. John waved back and Bucky smiled when the cats wrapped themselves around his feet. John got a weird look on his face, staring over Bucky’s shoulder, and Bucky turned to see Thor step out onto the porch wearing nothing but low slung pajama pants. Guh. How was he even keeping those up? He hated his life. Living in a house with two extremely hot dudes and not being able to do anything with either one of them was so not fucking fair.

“James, Grant wants to know if you want pancakes or waffles for brunch?”

Thank God for pancake mix and waffle irons. “Waffles. Blueberry.” Thor nodded and stepped back into the house. As soon as the door was closed John rushed over, almost tripping over his cats and falling down the steps on his way.

“Who the hell is that? Oh my God. What?”

“Grant’s older brother Theo. I thought for sure Carlos would’ve told you yesterday.”

John looked so stunned that Bucky almost laughed. “That bitch!” He turned around and stomped back to his house yelling for Carlos.

“Come over for dinner tonight. Theo will still be here. You can ogle him then.”

Bucky saw John give him a thumbs up and heard muttering in Spanish and bit back another laugh when he realized that John was calling Carlos a fucking asshole.

Bucky walked back into the house, finally allowing himself to laugh and pulled the plastic bag off of the paper as he walked into the kitchen. “Carlos and John are coming over for dinner tonight, Steve. They wanna meet Thor.

“Is that a good idea?”

“Not all ideas are good ones, Steven.” He smirked as he sat at the table and flicked open the newspaper. He was pretty sure he was close to cracking some kind of cypher that kept popping up in the classifieds and sports section. He dragged the tip of his finger across the page as he skimmed over it, only half-paying attention to the sounds of Steve and Thor cooking and making coffee. “Besides, he’s practically undercover here already. He’s got the whole eye patch thing now. Like a sexy pirate.” A sexy, sexy pirate. He heard choking and then laughter and looked up to see Steve coughing while Thor was laughing and patting him on the back. “What?”

“Sexy pirate huh? You sure you don’t want to be married to _him_ for this,” Steve asked sounding kind of huffy once he’d finally stopped coughing. What was his deal? Surely even he could appreciate Thor’s hotness.

“What’s wrong, Steve?”

“Nothin’. Read your paper, James.”

Well, that was just rude. What the fuck? Bucky looked to Thor for an explanation and the god only shook his head and carried a cup of coffee over, sitting it beside the paper on the table. Thor gave him a small smile then walked back over to the counter where Steve was pulling more waffles from the iron. The hell?

“Steve?”

“Read your paper. See if you’ve got your code figured out. If you’d ask JARVIS to look at them he’d have it done in no time.” Steve sounded pissier than he did two seconds ago and Bucky shook his head. He was not going to deal with pissy people this early in the morning. If anyone was gonna be pissy it was him because he hadn’t gotten to drink his coffee yet.

“Don’t make me any waffles. I’ll be in my office. Thanks for the coffee, Thor. Don’t forget about John and Carlos coming over for dinner.” He folded up the paper and tucked it under his arm then stood and grabbed the coffee mug and left Steve to be pissy with Thor. What the hell was his problem any-fuckin’-way? All he’d said was that Thor looked like a sexy pirate now. It wasn’t that big of a deal. Bucky thought lots of people were sexy. Not as sexy as Steve, but still.

He swung the door of his office shut and pretended he didn’t hear the crash coming from the kitchen. Steve probably dropped a plate or something. He sat at his desk, glancing up at the bank of computer monitors to see if Tony had emailed him anything overnight and, not seeing any new messages for once, went back to his paper.

Three hours later he was scowling at the shredded and crumpled remains of his newspapers. Fucking love letters. What kind of moron put love letters in a cypher in a fucking newspaper? The letters, once he’d figured out the code, were just stupid sappy things with no hidden meaning. After he’d figured it out he’d even scanned them and sent them to J, who confirmed it was just fluff filled notes to someone named Anna from some nerd named Eldon. Bucky hoped she found her hidden letters. What a fucking waste.

This whole thing was a waste of fucking time. It was just a stupid town in bumfuck with nothing nefarious going on. Except Tammy. That bitch was nefarious and every time Bucky saw her he just knew she was plotting to steal Steve away from him. Well, joke’s on you Tammy. Steve was fucking weird and didn’t even seem to notice her, even when she was flirting. Hell she wasn’t even subtle the day before when she’d accidentally on purpose fell into Steve and managed to grope him for a full twenty seconds before Steve had gotten her back on her feet. Fucking Tammy.

He wanted to strangle Steve and Thor. Maybe even himself. Definitely Stark though for sending them here for no fucking reason other than to torture Bucky by making him live in close quarters with Steve for this long.

He opened his email and pulled up the last message he’d gotten from Tony and hit reply. _There’s nothing here. I quit. You fucking owe me._

Not even thirty seconds after he hit send he got an email in reply. All it held was an attachment that turned out to be a picture of a pitiful looking Golden Retriever - which reminded Bucky he needed to ask Stark about that text he’d sent so long ago - that had been photoshopped into a picture with Grumpy Cat. Bucky was going to assume, however incorrectly, that he was supposed to be Grumpy Cat and Steve was supposed to be the pitiful dog. It might’ve made some sort of sense. Maybe. Probably not. He always thought Steve was more like an angry Chihuahua, at least when he’d been tiny from the stories that Steve had told him. A hundred pounds of pissed off in a three pound body. Except now Steve was big enough to pull it off.

***

An hour later there was a knock on his office door and it cracked open before he could call whoever it was in. He spun around in his chair to see which blonde it was and glared at Steve when he poked his head in.

“Tammy just left if you still want to break in and plant your bugs and Tony’s virus.”

Bucky nodded then turned away from him. “I’ll be ready to go in ten. I want to make sure she didn’t forget anything.”

“Did you check out her security system?”

“No cameras. Just a basic alarm system. It’ll take me two seconds to bypass it. I know what I’m doing.”

“Okay, Buck. Be careful, yeah?”

“Always am. When I’m not trying to keep you alive.” Steve snorted and Bucky couldn’t help the weak smile as he watched Steve’s reflection on the monitors. He sighed when Steve left then went into the bedroom to change his clothes and put on the face thingy Tony had given him. He couldn’t remember what the damn thing was called, but he’d seen Natasha use one before, and it would let him have any face he wanted. It was fuckin creepy, but kinda cool. He flipped through Google images until he found a face that looked nothing like his own and then pocketed Tony’s bugs and the USB drive and left the house.

Three minutes later he’d broken in and bypassed The Floozy’s security system and was strolling through her house sticking bugs in every room and even in the attic just to be on the safe side. After that he booted up her laptop and frowned when it requested a password. She lived by her fucking self and didn’t work. Why would she need a password? Fucking weird. He plugged in Tony’s USB and the screen on the laptop blipped, did the Matrix bullshit, and then opened to her desktop. There were a few shortcuts for games, Skype, and a shortcut to a bookmark.

Bucky double clicked it and raised his brows when he saw that it was for a dating site. He grimaced even as he opened the messages on it and tried not to gag at how vile some of the asshats were that had sent her messages as he read them. It wasn’t until the fifth and sixth messages that he realized there was a pattern. Shit. He grinned, hoping that he was right and she was Hydra or at least into very illegal activities he could have her arrested for. Tony’s shit would copy the messages so he closed the website and waited until the loading screen for the virus said it was done. He pulled the USB from the laptop then made one more loop through the living room and stopped at the coffee table where there was a huge stack of magazines.

Seriously, who needed that many magazines? He picked up the one on the top of the pile, careful not to disturb the rest of the stack and flipped through it, groaning when he saw stupid articles about ‘How to Keep Your Man Interested’ and ‘How to Have the Best Orgasm of Your Life’ and recipes for chocolate cake. Seriously. All in the same fucking magazine. Maybe they figured if the first two articles didn’t work out for you the chocolate cake might? He scrunched his nose and sat that magazine aside to pick up another one that had more of the same with the addition of an article about a woman whose husband had left her for a man. Her brother even. Ouch. And they had kids. What a douche. He coulda at least divorced her first if he wasn’t happy. Jeez. Maybe he’d been scared or something though. Lots of people had issues with their sexuality. When he realized he’d lost God knew how much time reading the article about the lady and her gay ex-husband because it read like a romance novel and he was a sucker for those, he sat the magazines back on the stack and then left the floozy’s house. He’d learned all he could until Tony’s virus transferred everything to his computers.

***

When he got back to the cottage he went straight to the bedroom to change back into his pajamas because he wasn’t going anywhere else and societal norms could suck his dick. If he wanted to stay in his pajamas all day he could. Besides, Steve and Thor were still in their jammies too. But Steve was at least wearing a t-shirt. It was like six sizes too small, but he was at least trying. He didn’t have everything hanging out there for the world to see. Well, he did, but still. If Steve could wear a shirt so could Thor.

How hard was it to put a shirt on, Thor! Not that Bucky was necessarily complaining, well, he was, but not really. He was just distracting was all. What with those abs and his arms and that V thing and not a single fucking body hair. It made Bucky curious is all. Did he wax? Did he do his own electrolysis since he could control lightning and shit? How far down, exactly, did that hairlessness go? Was he completely shaved and/or waxed? Or did he have that neatly trimmed thing going on?

“Bucky!” He blinked looking over to his fake husband. For some reason he didn’t think that was the first time Steve had said his name. Steve was glaring at him, eyes narrowed and brows doing that ‘disappointed in you’ thing.

“Jeez, you ain’t gotta yell, Steve.”

“I said your name six times, but you were too busy ogling Thor to notice.” He sounded pissy again and Bucky groaned.

“Dude.”

“What did you find?”

“A stack of magazines like the ones in the trash. Stuff geared toward ladies. And she had a dating site thingy on her computer. Got a bunch of messages from dudes. There was a pattern to them though, so I planted Tony’s virus. I should know something soon.”

“Are you going to have JARVIS go over the files for you this time?” Wow, what was Steve’s deal? He was being so snippy. Bucky wondered when the last time Steve got laid was. Maybe that was his problem? Cause it for sure hadn’t been while they’d been at the cottage. Wasn’t no one getting laid at the cottage. ‘Cept maybe Thor cause Bucky was pretty sure Carlos and John were gonna invite him over at some point.

“No. Because I can do it my fucking self. I’m a big boy like that.”

“Buck.”

“No.”

“I’m just saying it’s faster if he helps.”

“And I’m telling you no. Weeding through intel is literally my job, Steve. I comb through it extremely carefully and then pass it on to the people that need it. By doing it myself I trust that the information is correct and it keeps your asses safe. Let me do my damned job without you fussing! Jeez, Steve. I was three people away from you okay? I have the highest clearance out of all the Intelligence Nerds. There are literally three people between me and the Avengers.”

“Were three people.”

“What?”

Steve sighed and shook his head as he leaned forward and sat his cup on the coffee table. “Were three people, Bucky. You’re an Avenger now. Not just a Nerd and that means we trust each other. We trust each other with our lives. If we can’t trust each other then we’re no good as a team.”

“Listen to you being all team leader-y and shit.” Bucky said it with a condescendingly sweet tone of voice and Steve glared at him. He rolled his eyes then walked into the kitchen to find his thermos that Steve saved his coffee in sitting in front of the microwave with a sticky note attached to it. He grabbed it and took a sip, smiling slightly at the perfect cream and sugar ratio then peeled the sticky note off. It had a drawing of their microwave with the door hanging open and plate of waffles sitting in it. Stupid Steve. Sweet, stupid, Steve.

***

Bucky dressed in his sneaking around clothes before Carlos and John came over for dinner. They had ordered out instead of he and Steve and Thor attempting to cook something and had arranged for it to be delivered down the block so he could pretend to have been out picking it up while bugging John and Carlos’ house. Thor had told him he’d have no problem keeping John and Carlos’ attention long enough for him to sneak over there.

“No, shit. What with all those muscles and the sexy pirate thing and your pretty blue eye and…”

And Bucky had trailed off after that because Steve had started glaring at him for whatever reason and started being tacky with him again. Whatever his issue was, he needed to fucking cool it.

As soon as Carlos and John rang the doorbell Bucky snuck out the back and broke into their house after disabling their security system. He planted all his bugs, uploaded Stark’s virus, petted Coco and Tiffany, snuck back into the cottage to change his clothes and sneak back out, and still met the delivery guy on time.

When he walked in carrying the bags he saw Carlos and John sandwiching Thor between them on the couch with Steve sitting in one of the arm chairs looking on in amusement. Bucky wouldn’t mind sandwiching himself between Thor and Steve. Just once. For science. He wanted to see if it really was possible for him to have a heart attack from being surrounded by so much sexy goodness.

“Hey guys.”

Steve jumped up to help him with the bags, as if he needed help, and Carlos and John waved, still immersed in their conversation with Thor. They unloaded the bags on the kitchen table, sorting through everything as they sat it out and Steve flat out giggled after a minute.

“What’s so funny?”

“Theo told them he was an electrician.”

Bucky snorted and it turned to a giggle of his own when Steve laughed again. “Oh, my God. That’s perfect.”

“I know, right?”

“Wow.”

“Uh huh.”

“What’s so funny in here,” John asked, now standing in the doorway.

Bucky smiled and shook his head. “Grant being Grant.” He gave his fake husband a quick kiss then moved to grab the plates from the cupboard. John grabbed the silverware, already knowing where it was from the last time he and Carlos had been over. Steve grabbed the glasses and bottles of wine. Thor and Carlos joined them and Bucky decided that there were too many people in the kitchen to move and wrapped himself around Steve to keep from having to stab someone with a corkscrew.

Halfway through dinner which had turned out to be a good idea after they all got a couple bottles of wine into them, Bucky’s cell rang from where he’d left it in the living room. It was Becca’s ringtone and he immediately began to worry. She knew not to call right now. It was too dangerous. He scrambled from the table after excusing himself and rushed to pick up the phone.

“Becca? Honey, what’s wrong?”

“Jammies! Hi! I’m so sorry. I butt dialed you, but it’s Tasha’s fault. She got me drunk ‘cause I was worryin’. Did you tell Steve you love him yet?”

Bucky sighed. “I tell him every day, Becks.” He did, too. If they were around the neighbors. Like now. Especially if those neighbors were nosy and could possibly hear his conversation.

“No, but like…I mean do you tell him you mean it.”

“Of course I do. I do mean it. I love him with all my heart.” It fucking sucked too, knowing that Steve would never feel the same. He just had to be convincing enough for the neighbors to believe but not so convincing that Steve started believing it. “Wouldn’t have married the loser if I hadn’t.”

“Love you too Jamie,” Steve called from the kitchen.

“I know,” Becca mumbled into the phone.

“Take a couple aspirin and drink a couple glasses of water and then go to bed, Sweetpea. You’re going to be hungover if you don’t.”

“I know.”

“Love you, Becks. Be good.”

“Love you too, Jammies.”

He hung up and stuck his phone in his pocket after putting it on silent and walked back into the kitchen to see Steve smiling dopily at him. He rolled his eyes affectionately then kissed him as he sat back at the table. Fake affectionately. For the thing. Not because he felt affectionate toward Steve.

“Is she okay,” Steve asked quietly. Bucky nodded.

“Butt dialed me while drinking with Tasha.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah. I know how they drink. They’re both going to be hungover tomorrow. And possibly missing time.”

Not that Bucky knew anything about missing time while drunk. He especially didn’t know anything about missing twenty minutes alone inside Steve’s apartment with him and leaving with his lips swollen from what he hoped was kissing because that was the least embarrassing thing he could think of. He didn’t know what he’d do if he’d drunkenly given Steve head. Though he was extremely doubtful that something like that had happened. Steve wouldn’t have let him go that far because stupid Steve wasn’t really into him and just pretending to be for the mission and actually had manners and morals and wouldn’t have let him do that while drunk anyways. He wasn’t into dudes. Probably he was curious at most. Which whatever, Bucky could do curious, but not with Steve. Not like he’d thought he could once. He cared too much to be Steve’s mistake. It would break his fucking heart if he wound up being Steve’s mistake.

***

After dinner, after John and Carlos went home, Bucky ran to go hide in his office and see if Stark’s virus had found anything on the floozy’s computer. Mostly to hide in his office. He needed to decompress after that much social interaction. Steve would know why he was hiding away. Knew how anti-social Bucky really was. He’d explain it to Thor if the god asked what was up.

He brought up the files that had appeared as a shortcut on his desktop and sighed heavily, wishing he’d thought to make a cup of coffee before he hid himself away. It was going to be a long night. Maybe he should move the coffee maker into his office? Except that meant Steve would be coming into his office for coffee and this was his safe space kind of. He could relax in his office surrounded by these stupid computers and nifty laser keyboards. He could do what he did best here and didn’t have to worry about hiding how he really felt from his fake husband. It was easier in his office.

Well, shit. He needed coffee for this. If he was going to have to read through those nasty vile messages to try and figure them out then he needed coffee. He spun his chair around, getting ready to go back out into the world when there was a quiet knock on the door.

“Yeah?”

It opened and Bucky bit back a smile at the sight of Steve holding a cup of coffee and a small plate that had a piece of leftover pie from dessert on it. “Thought you’d need this.” He carried it over and sat it on the desk, reaching past Bucky to do it, caging him between his arms and letting the scent of his cologne fill his nose. He took a deep breath, as subtly as he could and sighed quietly.

“Yeah. Yeah I do. Thanks baby.” They both tensed and Steve pulled back slowly, staring down at Bucky. There was a light in his eyes that Bucky wasn’t sure about, wasn’t quite sure what it meant, and he stammered for a moment before finally using those things called words. “It slipped out. I didn’t…I mean…fuck.” The light in Steve’s eyes dimmed and Bucky wanted to tell him whatever he wanted to hear to get it back, but couldn’t.

“No. Yeah…yeah of course. The neighbors have been here and all. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” He turned and left Bucky’s office quickly, closing the door behind him.

Bucky whimpered, spun his chair back around, and thunked his head on his desk. He’d never been so mortified in his life. This was worse than when he’d been called the wrong name by his last boyfriend while he had his fingers up the guy’s ass. So fucking embarrassing. He picked up his embarrassment coffee and took a drink and began reading through the floozy’s messages from her dating site. So gross.

***

In the end he figured out that while Floozy Tammy from next door was definitely cheating on her husband with multiple dudes she, unfortunately, wasn’t Hydra. Fortunately? Fortunately wasn’t Hydra. He still wanted rid of her though so there had to be something on her that would get her away from his Steve. From Steve. ‘cause she was a floozy who was probably carrying some kind of Super STD that even Steve could catch just from standing too close to her. Her little STDs probably had capes. Besides, he still didn’t have much on her husband, just emails back and forth between the both of them. After checking over everything Tony’s virus had brought up he’d handed it over to J 0.5 to let him check it over. He hadn’t found anything either so it was sent to Tony and JARVIS to let them check it out too. Hopefully they’d come up with something.

He hadn’t found anything dark or shady in Carlos and John’s pasts either. So far at least. He was sure to find something eventually. Everyone had a dark side. Didn’t matter who they were. Even Steve had one. Bucky just wasn’t sure what it was yet. No one was all puppies and rainbows. Unless Steve’s was his snarky attitude and being a snippy bitch one too many times when Thor and Bucky were talking to each other. It got to the point where Thor had just rolled his eyes every time Steve said something pissy and Bucky had laughed and started calling Thor _Sexy Pirate Thor_ every time he wanted to get his attention. He could tell it was driving Steve up the walls, but so what? Steve was driving him and Thor up the walls what with his being a jerk and all.

“James?”

Bucky looked over at Thor with a grin. He could just feel Steve puffing himself up with righteous indignation again. Or jealousy. Or whatever the hell was going on with him. “Yes, Sexy Pirate Thor?”

“Nothing. I just wanted to hear you say it.” Thor winked and Bucky grinned at him and winked back, blowing him a little kiss for shits and giggles.

“James!”

“What?” Bucky turned to Steve with a glare. He was so done with Steve’s shit. He’d been a pissy bitch practically since Thor had shown up and he needed to stop.

“Would you please stop? Jesus.”

“What the hell is your problem, Steve?”

“You! God, you’ve been flirting with him since he fucking got here and…”

“Excuse me?” Oh, hell no. Steve was not going to tell him he couldn’t flirt with Thor. And he hadn’t even really been flirting anyway, but even if he had, Steve wasn’t about to tell him what he could and couldn’t do. No way in hell.

Bucky growled and Thor walked over to stand between him and Steve. “I am going to…go visit with Carlos and John. They asked if I could look at some wiring or their satellite or something. I am definitely not leaving so that you two can talk. Bye.” He turned and fled and Bucky glared after him, ignoring Steve’s own glare that was aimed at him.

Oh, sure. Flirt and get him in trouble with Steve and then run away. Thanks Thor. Stupid sexy pirate guy.

“Buck!”

“What, Steve. Oh, my God! You wanna bitch at me some more for flirting with Thor when you’ve been a complete ass to him since he got here? Fuck that. He’s been nothing but kind since the moment he walked in that door and you’ve been treating him _and me_ like shit. Are you jealous because you don’t have my complete attention since he’s here? Or is it because I have his attention and you don’t?”

Steve blinked at him for a long moment as if wondering exactly how stupid Bucky was and then his face flushed and he glared with that stupid pout that Bucky adored when it wasn’t directed at him. “Is that really what you think? You really think that of me? Thor has been my friend longer than you have, Buck. I don’t give a damn if I don’t have his undivided attention. I know where he and I stand. He’s been my teammate longer than you have been, too.”

“Oh, fuck you! I didn’t even fucking want to be a goddamn Avenger, Steve! I never fuckin’ wanted this, Jesus.”

“Then why’d you say yes?”

Bucky raised his brows and sat his beer aside before he was tempted to throw the bottle at Steve’s head. Was he fuckin’ serious right now? Wow. “How many times did I tell you assholes no? Huh? How many times did I fuckin ask you to leave me alone? But I fucking said yes because you all acted like you needed me. Because _you_ asked me. And I like doing it. Or did. Until now when I can’t even talk to Sexy Pirate Thor without you being a prick because you don’t have all the attention!”

Christ he was driving Bucky fuckin’ crazy. Jealous of the attention being pulled away from him. Or whatever his problem actually fucking was because Bucky couldn’t believe that Steve was jealous of Thor because Bucky had said he was sexy. A couple times. A few times. A lot. Whatever. The dude was fine and so was Steve. Should he have told Steve he was sexy? Had he hurt Steve’s feelings because he hadn’t? Well, shit. Now he was gonna have to tell him wasn’t he? To make him feel better. Were they going to have to have an actual adult conversation now? Fuck that shit. Steve was being an asshole so he could too.

“Oh my God.” Steve threw his hands up and Bucky let out a humorless laugh.

“Jesus Steve, I’m allowed to fuckin’ look. Me and you ain’t real, pal. This is all fuckin’ fake and I’m bi and I’m allowed to fuckin’ look at sexy pirate lookin’ dudes. And…and if I wanted to fuck him and he wanted to, I’d fuckin’ do it and you couldn’t do a damn thing about it so get off your fuckin’ high horse!”

“You really think that’s my problem? Christ, Buck. I’m gay, I know what he fuckin’ looks like!”

And Bucky’s brain just melted a little bit right there. What? Steve was what? There was no way in hell Steve had just told him he was gay. Did he mean like…old timey gay? Like gay as in happy? Because Bucky couldn’t handle anything else right now. Not without his brain melting the rest of the way because Steve being gay was fuckin’ amazing and holy shit Bucky might have a chance with him after all. But then the way Steve had been acting? Finding out Steve was gay, if he’d actually heard him right, was awesome. But then realizing that Steve was gay and just not into him made him die a little bit inside and no amount of ‘yay, Steve’s gay!’ was gonna fix it. Surely he’d heard wrong.

“Do what now?” He better make sure. Maybe Steve said something else?

“I said, I’m gay, Buck.”

“Like…happy gay?”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Queer gay. Jesus.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” God this was depressing. He thought it had been bad being in love with a straight guy. Being in love with a gay guy that didn’t even know he existed was worse.

“It never came up.”

“Christ, I thought you were straight this whole fucking time. You were pretending to be into dudes. Pretending-” He was not going to finish that thought. He already knew Steve was pretending to be into him. He didn’t need it confirmed it would kill him. “You said this shit was about trust. If we don’t trust each other we can’t be a team and you couldn’t trust me with that? Fuck you, you goddamn asshole!”

“Buck,”

“No! Don’t fuckin’ talk to me right now.” Christ, his heart was fuckin’ breaking. He blinked back tears as he shoved his way past Steve to walk into the kitchen. He was not going to cry for him. Absolutely fucking refused. Not again. He’d cried on their stupid fucking fake wedding day and that was all he was going to give this whole fucking mess. He was done crying over Steve fucking Rogers.

“Jamie…”

“Don’t call me Jamie.”

“Buck, I’m-”

“Leave me the fuck alone, Steve. Go paint or something. Get away from me before I do something stupid.” _Like kiss you and tell you I love you. Even if I kind of hate you right now._ He turned away from Steve and moved to the coffee maker, pulling it out from underneath the cupboard and then grabbed the canister of his Death Coffee and a bottle of whiskey, intent on ignoring Steve until he gave up and left. Steve was stubborn though and only left when Bucky told him to get the fuck out of the kitchen because he didn’t want to see him right now. Bucky fixed his coffee and then sat and stewed in the kitchen until Thor came home from Carlos and John’s.

“Did you talk?” Bucky shrugged, still staring down into his coffee mug. “What’s wrong, James?”

“Steve’s gay and he didn’t tell me. This whole time.”

“Yes, I know.” Bucky jerked his head up and stared at Thor.

“What?”

“I’ve always known,” Thor said with a weird glint in his eye. Something Bucky couldn’t quite figure out. “The whole team has known.”

Those sorry bitches! Bucky was gonna chew their asses when he got home. When this whole mess was over. He was going to beat their asses too and then make Stark write him a really big check and then he was gonna take Becca and disappear where no one would ever be able to find them. Not ever.

“I’m going to go check on Steve.” Thor gave Bucky another weird look then walked out of the kitchen.

“Wait! How the hell do you know? What goes on during Avengers meetings when I’m not there?” Was he in a relationship with Steve? Was that Steve’s problem? Were he and Thor together? Or had they been in one before and that was why Steve was being a dick? He wasn’t jealous because he wasn’t the center of Bucky’s attention anymore. He was jealous because Bucky had Thor’s attention. Holy fuckin’ shit. Wow, he was so fuckin’ depressed now. No wonder Steve didn’t know he existed. He’d been boning Sexy Pirate Thor.

Bucky slept on the couch that night; let Thor share the bed with Steve. He figured they’d appreciate the gesture even if it broke his heart to do it, though they’d both given him weird looks when he’d grabbed his unicorn blanket and pillow from his and Steve’s bed and then booted Thor off the couch. Maybe they felt weird about Bucky being there while they did whatever because he and Steve were fake married, but he didn’t want to get in their way. And if he maybe broke his promise to himself and cried before he fell asleep, well no one would know but him.

***

Bucky was sitting on the porch in his old man rocking chair drinking his morning Death Coffee and looked over his shoulder when he heard the door open and sighed with relief when it was Thor instead of Steve. Steve was still on Bucky’s feces manifest for how he’d been acting. For not telling Bucky something important like him being gay when they were supposed to be friends and partners and teammates. He’d spouted his bullshit about trust and then hadn’t trusted Bucky enough to tell him. When Bucky woke this morning, curled up on the couch and with his shoulder aching from the awkward angle he had slept with it in, he’d seen Steve watching him from the corner of his eye. It was fuckin’ annoying so Bucky had made his coffee and then rushed outside where he wouldn’t be subjected to the snarky comments, Frowny Eyebrows of Injustice™, and the Pout of Displeasure©.

“Hey, Theo.”

“I wanted to talk to you while your husband is in the shower.”

“Dude, he’s not…” How many times did he have to tell Thor that?

“Isn’t he?” Thor gave him a knowing look, as if the dude knew anything at all, and then shook his head. “Both of you are so stubborn.”

“I am not stubborn.” He wasn’t!

“And in denial. You don’t see the way he looks at you. Even when you’re watching him.”

“What are you talking about?”

Thor sighed heavily. “The way he’s been acting? He’s jealous, James. I have been around a lot longer than either of you and I know jealousy when I see it. It just started recently, did it not?”

“When you showed up.”

“When exactly?”

“After I called you a sexy pirate. But it’s just ‘cause it’s just been me and him here. He’s used to being the center of attention and now there’s competition. Or he’s got a thing for you and thinks you and I are seriously flirting instead of just playing.”

Thor groaned and smacked Bucky on the back of the head. “You’re a damned moron. He’s in l—”

“Oh, James! Who’s this? I can’t believe you had company and didn’t tell me.”

Bucky whimpered when he heard the floozy next door and looked over to see her flouncing up their sidewalk. Fucking Tammy. He and Thor stood as she got close and Bucky steadied himself. He wasn’t going to plant false evidence to get her away from Steve. He wasn’t going to quietly assassinate her in her sleep. He was going to be polite, introduce her to Thor and then escape as quickly as possible before Steve got out of his shower and she threw herself all over him. Bitch needed to back off his man. He meant, like…if he was actually married to Steve that’s what he’d be thinking. Because Steve wasn’t his and never would be.

“Hi, Tammy.” He forced a polite smile as she giggled vapidly. “This is Grant’s brother Theo. Theo, this is Tammy. Her husband’s gone a lot so you won’t meet him before you leave probably, but you might meet the pizza guy or the pool boy. Maybe even the cable guy.”

Her smile fell for just a moment then returned full force and she giggled again, explaining quickly that pizza was her favorite and that she couldn’t stand it if her swimming pool had the least amount of dirt in it. Bucky was betting her favorite pizza was fuckin’ sausage. He let her fawn over Thor for as long as he could stand which wasn’t long, let’s be honest, and then dragged Thor back into the house with a muttered goodbye as he closed the door on Tammy when she started to follow them inside. He locked it for extra measure and walked into the kitchen to refill his coffee.

“What was that?”

“What was what? She’s a floozy. She’s been throwing herself at Steve since we moved in.”

“If there was nothing between you then it wouldn’t matter if she did.”

“Okay, look. Here’s the thing. Me and Steve? Whatever this _is,_ is all fake. I don’t know why none of you guys understand that. It’s not real. He doesn’t love me and I…it’s not fucking real. We’re pretending and I’m being very thorough. _If_ we were actually married then I’d do this. Maybe. That’s the point.”

“But you love him.”

Bucky shushed him and tuned his hearing to Steve to make sure he was still in the shower and couldn’t hear their conversation. “It doesn’t matter, Thor. He doesn’t…it’s not…it doesn’t matter. It can’t happen.”

“Why not?”

Bucky shook his head and walked back into the living room with Thor following after, carrying his own cup of coffee. “You’re not stupid, Thor. Please just let it go. This is hard enough without you trying to encourage it. Okay?” Steve didn’t love him and never would. It would kill Bucky to tell Steve he was in love with him and then be rebuffed.

“I am sorry, James. I only meant to help.” Jeez, he almost looked as earnest as Steve did when he was pulling his innocent angel bullshit.

“I know.” Bucky gave him a weak smile and yelped when Thor pulled him into a bear hug. “Thank you.”

“What happened?” Bucky flailed, pulling away from Thor like they’d been doing something wrong, and saw Steve standing in the doorway of their bedroom only wearing a pair of tight blue jeans and a wet towel draped over his shoulders. Sweet baby Jesus these guys needed to learn to wear clothes. He was going to have a heart attack if they didn’t. There were too many muscles that he couldn’t touch. Or lick. Or bite. Or cover in Nutella.

“Nothing. I’m being mopey and Thor was trying to cheer me up.”

Steve rushed to him and grabbed him, pulling him into a tight hug and tucking Bucky’s head under his chin. “Why were you moping? What happened? Did someone do something? Did someone say something? I’ll take care of it. I promise. Is it me? I’m sorry I’ve been a jerk.”

“Nothing happened Steve,” he told him quickly, trying to get away from him before he did something stupid like nuzzle against his neck or kiss him or something. It was bad enough he’d had to give in and sleep cuddled up with him, except for his night on the couch. He couldn’t hug and snuggle him while he was awake too. Not when it wasn’t for keeping their cover. Not when Thor was there.

Jeez, Steve smelled so good. Like…like Bucky’s wild honeysuckle Bath and Body Works. Oh, God. No, no, no. Steve couldn’t start using his shower gel. Steve was supposed to use his weird pine tree and freedom stuff that actually smelled kind of good. Not Bucky’s wild honeysuckle. “You used my shower gel.” He wiggled around until he could press his nose against Steve’s throat and breathe him in. Jesus that was so unfair.

“Um…for shampoo yeah. We’re out. Smells good.”

“Mmm. You do.” Bucky’s eyes widened when he realized what he’d said and he pulled away quickly. “It does. The shower gel. It’s good. My favorite. I uh…I’m going to go see if Tony found anything yet.” He rushed out of the living room, absolutely refusing to breathe in through his nose on the way. He could still smell it even in his office. It was stuck in his nose and all he could do was imagine Steve, naked and wet in the shower, covering himself in the shower gel. It so wasn’t fucking fair. Not in the least.

He didn’t bother checking in with Stark. He could do it later. He’d just needed to get away from Steve before he dragged him into their bedroom and confessed everything and then kissed him stupid.

***

Bucky didn’t miss the almost immediate change in Steve’s attitude when Thor had to leave to go keep Loki from becoming the new king of Norway. Apparently Loki was kind of a good guy now, but mostly he was on Thor’s side so Bucky didn’t think that would last very long because siblings fought and he wasn’t sure he wanted to see a showdown between the two gods. And why had no one arrested Loki anyway? Still, Loki was Thor’s problem unless he tried to take over the world again and then he was an Avengers problem, but until then, Thor was on his own.

Thor had given him a tight hug before leaving and then had given Steve one as well, lingering a bit and whispering something in Steve’s ear before taking off inside a storm he’d conjured. And that left Bucky on his own with his stupidly attractive, stupidly sweet, pain in the ass fake husband. Again. He missed someone being a buffer between them even if Steve had been bitchy most the time. He and Steve might actually have to talk now, though. Bucky shuddered and shook his head. No way. Absolutely not. If Thor couldn’t get them to talk nothing would.

Steve was driving him crazy. He wanted them to go places and do things and meet people. He wanted them to go out to restaurants for dinner and romantic dates because that’s what couples did when they were in love. It was like Steve forgot they weren’t really together and Bucky wasn’t sure he knew how to deal with that. Steve had taken to calling him doll and sugar and baby doll and sweetheart and baby and doll face whenever other people weren’t around. Bucky called him Steve or Grant whenever they were alone. He couldn’t let himself fall into the habit of calling Steve baby. He’d slipped again and called him baby and Steve’s eyes had lit up again and Bucky had pretended he hadn’t noticed. Steve was driving him crazy making him wish for something he could never have. He was being sweet and kind of clingy and bringing Bucky flowers and treats from the bakery and the coffee shop and Bucky loved it, he really did, but God it fuckin’ killed him to pretend it was only for show.

And that was why he was at Carlos and John’s house hiding from his fake husband and complaining about how much he loved him over a bottle of Mezcal which may or may not contain a scorpion for extra badass points and a bottle of Sierra something or other tequila that Carlos said he was only allowed to take one shot of because it was 150 proof and he was already drinking the Mezcal. Sure he coulda actually talked to Steve, but that would’ve meant you know…talking. So instead he was drinking. What’s the worst that could happen?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On a slightly depressing note I feel that I should warn you all that I will be taking a hiatus from AO3 and tumblr until further notice. I'm having some difficult issues in my personal life that honestly fucking suck and I don't have the energy for very much right now. So, sadly, this will be the last update for a little while. I'm sorry.
> 
> I'm going to finish the final chapter of Snickerdoodle (tonight hopefully) if any of you are reading that smutty cracky goodness and will post it when I can. Other than that I'm afraid I won't be online often (if at all) until I can get my situation straightened out. Also I have like 3 doctors appointments this month on top of the other shit going on so yeah...not a good time to be had.
> 
> Anyways, stay subscribed so you'll know when I come back, because I will. <3
> 
> **Also if you wanna do the silly questions thing I mentioned in the notes from the last chapter go ahead and put your questions in comments or in a message over on my tumblr which is the same name as on here, and I'll go ahead and do them when I get the energy. No questions that the characters themselves won't know the answers to though. :D I don't wanna spoil anything just in case.**


	13. Drunken Love Confessions Don't Count

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's pretty sure he got drunk and told Steve he loved him. Why else would Steve be so sketchy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back bitches! <3 And bringing you fluff, drunken Bucky, slight groping, and some minor angst. 
> 
> Beta'd by the super awesome, super funny, SergeantFreezer burn here on AO3.
> 
> P.S. Thank you for all the well wishes I got. Things are better. :) I appreciate them so much and will reply as soon as I get a chance. (I'm working on the house right now, tearing out floors and putting new water lines and putting down new floor and slogging through mud because it's been raining here on and off for a week and my yard is one cold, giant, mud puddle/swampy thing.)

 

 

Bucky woke with a blinding headache and the sinking feeling that he had done something he really, _really_ shouldn’t have. His brain hurt too much to try to figure out what it was, and if he’d learned one thing from the last time he had been as drunk as he’d apparently gotten last night, it was that he’s probably better off not knowing anyway. Because it was most likely the most embarrassing thing ever and he’d be mortified if he remembered whatever it was he was certain to have done. Say what you will about hangovers, but Bucky wouldn’t be complaining about this particular alcohol assisted amnesia any time soon.

He rolled over to see what time it was and found his fake husband gone from their bed. It wasn’t unusual because Steve was fucking weird and liked to run in the mornings while wearing those tight t-shirts and sometimes weird baggy sweatpants or shorts that showed off his junk. The hangover wasn’t even surprising. Bucky sort of remembered that he’d had like four shots at Carlos and John’s. He didn’t remember shit after the second shot of Sierra…oh yeah. That’s why he didn’t remember. He’d already drunk most of a bottle of Mezcal and Carlos had warned him not to take more than one shot of the Sierra. Oops. He must have drunk way more than he thought because he’d been pining over his stupid fake husband. Probably it was from pining anyways. He sighed, then sat up and saw a bottle of water and a whole one of Steve’s super-soldier pain pills, because everyone sort of already knew about him even though Bucky was still trying to hide shit from them. They were content to pretend to be oblivious though so that was nice.

“Thank you, fake husband.”

“You’re welcome.” Bucky jumped with a wince as he turned to the bedroom door. Sexy Lumberjack Steve was standing in the door holding a tray with a mug of coffee and plate of toast sitting on it. “Figured you’d want this.” Bucky nodded, feeling starved even though he felt like his stomach might be too queasy for food. “Take your pill first.”

“Okay.” Bucky swallowed the pain pill together with the entire bottle of water.

“We need to talk.”

“Those four words always lead to a break up. Are we getting divorced?” Steve snorted and Bucky flashed him a weak smile as he accepted the tray he was handed.

“Not yet. Soon, I think. Tony got some new intel. Carlos and John _might_ have something to do with it.”

“Steve, we haven’t found anything about Carlos and John that even remotely suggests shifty, except for that god-awful pattern on their curtains. No self-respecting interior designer is going to mix plaids and florals, okay?” If anyone was going to be an evil douchebag, it was going to be the fucking floozy from next door anyway.

“Do you remember anything about last night?”

“Bitch, please. You’re lucky I remember my own name right now. I had like an entire bottle of Mezcal and I’m pretty sure I ate the scorpion and I had shots of that Sierra what’s it stuff. What did I do?” He must’ve done something. There was no way drunk Bucky would pass off the opportunity of ruining sober Bucky’s life even just a little bit.

“I went over to get you because John came over to get me. You couldn’t even stand up on your own. You fell off your chair.”

“Sounds like drunk me,” he murmured, then took a drink of his Death Coffee. Seriously, why was Steve being all evasive? What the fuck was going on? Steve was acting really weird all of a sudden and Bucky wanted to know why. Had he said something last night? Holy shit had he told Steve he was in love with him? Jesus, what if he had? Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. He was gonna die. No, no he was not. He was going to pretend he didn’t realize he could have done something so epically stupid. There was no way in hell he’d pulled a Steve Rogers and done something that dramatic. He had not confessed his love while wasted. Nope. Never happened. He wasn’t going to think about it. He was going to talk with Steve for a little bit and then go take a shower and pretend he’d never gotten the idea that he may have possibly drunkenly told Steve how he felt. Besides, even if he had confessed while drunk, drunken love confessions don’t count anyway. Right?

“What’s going on, Steve?” Was it something to do with what Bucky was hoping hadn’t happened? Or was it something to do with Carlos and John? “What was the new intel you said that Tony got?”

Steve sighed, then sat down on the bed next to Bucky. “Carlos and John aren’t who they appear to be. They’re aliases. Good ones. Almost perfect and if you hadn’t given in and sent all your information to JARVIS Tony wouldn’t have found it. Their aliases go back to their births and all that, like ours, but John and Carlos Reyes have only existed for four years. This John and Carlos I should say.”

“Motherfucker!” He handed the tray to his fake husband, then stood and paced around the bedroom. Four years. How the hell had he missed that? It should’ve been so easy to fucking catch. What the fuck? How had he not seen it? “Goddamn it!” He slammed his coffee mug on the dresser, watched it shatter, and Steve rushed to set the tray aside and grab his hands.

“Buck, stop. Tony said there was no way you could‘ve found it. That whoever set them up was better than any of us. Better than he is, maybe.”

“I really fucking liked them, Steve.”

“I know you liked ‘em. I did too. I’m sorry.” Steve gave him a long pitiful look, then sighed. “It’s why you’re not supposed to get close to them. Just in case something like this happens. Natasha said it was the first rule of doing this.”

“She told me the first rule was not falling for my pretend husband.” She hadn’t, but it seemed like something she would’ve said had he not already been desperately in love with Steve.

“Yeah? How’s that working out for you?” Steve gave him a smarmy grin and he rolled his eyes even while his brain railed at him to say it was too late. Besides, he may have already drunkenly confessed his love so, yeah. He didn’t want to do it while sober too.

“I think I’m safe.”

Steve pouted a second before sitting him back on the bed. “Eat your toast and take a shower. We’ll talk after, okay? I’ll keep the coffee hot for you, sweetheart.”

Bucky nodded, hoped he didn’t look as pitiful as he felt, and then accepted the quick kiss on the cheek that Steve gave him before he stood and walked out of their bedroom. How could he have missed that? Had he been that blinded by his seething jealousy and rage toward Floozy Tammy that he’d completely dismissed signs from Carlos and John that should have been way fucking obvious? He had kept looking at Tammy, searching for links to Hydra or something else shady because he hated her so damned much that he’d missed something that should’ve been obvious. He didn’t understand how he hadn’t figured it out. How had he not figured out that they’d only been John and Carlos for the past four years? What the fucking fuck? He took a vicious bite of his toast, chewing angrily as he went over everything he knew about those fucking douchenuggets that lived next door.

He finished off his toast, then went for a shower, thankful that Steve’s pain pills kicked in fast. His hangover was already going away. He had the feeling, though, that he would have a raging migraine by the end of the day.

***

When he got out of the shower he dressed in a pair of horrible fuchsia, black, and grey plaid pajama pants and the fluffiest sweater he owned that just happened to be a fuchsia to black ombre that matched his pants, pulled his hair back in a loose bun, and then quickly picked up his shattered mug and the tea tray and carried it with him as he left the bedroom. He walked into the kitchen and saw Steve sitting at the table with John and Carlos, coffee cups sitting in front of them. Shit.

“Oh. Um…hello.”

“Rough morning?” Carlos asked with a grin. Bucky nodded, then sat the tea tray by the sink and moved to get a cup of coffee. Hangover/Super Pain Pill brain was not a good combination for company.

“They came over to see if you were okay.” If Bucky hadn’t spent so much time around Steve he would have missed the slight frustration in his voice. Yeah, he was frustrated too, pal.

“Oh! Yeah. Everything’s fine. I’m a moody bitch when I have a hangover though. Fair warning.” He wasn’t really; he was just hoping they’d go home. He wasn’t in the mood for company. Wasn’t in the mood for their company especially. “Grant’s such a mother hen and I’ve been pissy with him this morning.” He looked to Steve and gave him a weak smile as he stirred his coffee, then walked to the table and sat down, leaning over to kiss Steve’s cheek. “I’m sorry, baby.”

“I guess you two are edging past the honeymoon stage and getting into the ‘What the fuck did we do?’ stage.”

Bucky snorted. He’d been in _that_ stage his whole life. “It was different when we were just dating. And when we first got married it was great. It’s still great most of the time; it’s just…little things we never noticed until now I guess.” That sounded reasonable right? Like something that would really happen in a relationship?

“The first year of marriage is the hardest. No matter how long you’ve been together. But we can see how much you two love each other and you’ll make it through.”

_If only._

“Honestly we’re surprised you’re even awake this early. Thought you’d be out for the count most of the day.”

“I haven’t seen anyone drink that hard since college,” John added.

Bucky hadn’t gone to college, he’d gone military, and so he could only guess at what they meant. Probably it was like what he’d seen in movies before. He figured they were right about it though. What with his probable epic pining and possible drunken love confessions. He wouldn’t put it past himself to have accidentally told Steve how much he loved him.

“Yeah, I tend to wake up early no matter what.” He had no clue what time it was and all four of them drinking coffee didn’t tell him a damned thing since they all drank coffee all day long.

***

When Carlos and John finally left Bucky wanted nothing more than to follow after them and try to find anything else that he had missed. Instead Steve held his hand to keep him from going after them. “What do we do, Steve?”

“Look over everything again. No matter how trivial it seems. Every tiny little detail. Tony’s doing the same. When they leave on Friday night for their date we’ll go over and see what we can find. All we know right now is that they got set up with new identities and moved out here. It could be for any number of reasons, Buck. It doesn’t automatically make them Hydra.”

Bucky nodded and finished off his mug of coffee, then went to refill his cup. Steve may be right, but shit was definitely still shifty. He refilled Steve’s cup since he was already up, then leaned down and gave Steve a quick kiss on his way out of the kitchen and frowned to himself. What the hell was that? He didn’t do that. Not unless there were witnesses and there weren’t any damned witnesses. The hell, brain? He shrugged it off as he went into his office. There were more pressing matters than why he had kissed Steve. He had to try to find what he’d missed.

“We still need to talk Buck,” Steve said following him inside his cluttered sanctuary.

“About what?”

“Last night. You were…extremely drunk.”

“I don’t really think we need to talk about it do we? I mean…I was very, very drunk. I may have said or done some things I wouldn’t normally do while sober, but most people do that. I mean…so long as I didn’t grope you or anything like that, I’m okay with whatever happened. I’m sorry if I did something weird.” That was a lie. Not the sorry bit, he was sorry, but he was definitely not okay with any of whatever might have happened.

“No, you didn’t. Um…I mean nothing terrible anyway. Are you sure you don’t remember anything?”

Bucky sighed, looking up at his fake husband from the stack of sticky notes he’d left himself on his desk and never looked at again. Bucky remembered going to John and Carlos’ house because he needed to escape Steve’s borderline clingy mushy stuff. It had broken his fucking heart to have Steve pretending like that when no one was there. So instead of being a big boy and using his words to ask Steve to stop he’d run away. He remembered drinking. A lot. But he didn’t remember any particulars. Not really. There were some hazy bits where he thought he remembered Steve carrying him home, but he wasn’t sure if he was actually remembering it or just thinking he did because Steve had already told him he’d brought him back. He sort of remembered Steve putting him in bed and kissing him goodnight, but other than that it was a blank.

“You put me in bed and left the room. Did you sleep on the couch?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because you were wasted and clinging to me more than you usually do when you’re sleepy. It wouldn’t have been right for me to let you do that while you were drunk.”

“You didn’t want to snuggle me because I couldn’t give proper consent?”

“Um…yes? I mean, yes.” Steve had that weird look in his eyes again, he was being shifty as fuck and hiding something and Bucky wanted to know what it was. Kind of. Maybe. Just as long as it didn’t involve him being fucking weird while he was drunk.

“I can’t imagine you not letting me snuggle you while I was drunk. Did I grab your junk or something?” _Jeez brain, you can’t just ask that! Holy shit!_ Steve flushed crimson and Bucky groaned, burying his face in his hands. “Oh my God. I did, didn’t I?”

“No! You didn’t, Buck. Not my junk anyway.”

“Please don’t tell me I grabbed your ass.” He was going to die. He was going to spontaneously combust and take Steve and the cottage out with him. Why him? What had he ever done to deserve this? Why was Steve so… _Steve_?

“You didn’t grab my ass. You uh…groped my chest while making little noises and mumbled something about it being okay because that’s what husbands were allowed to do.”

“Do what now? No wait! Don’t tell me. Please, for the love of God, don’t tell me what I did. I am so sorry, Steve.” Where was Thor and the magical lightning and hammer when he needed it? Thor could just strike him down and be done with it and he would never ever _ever_ have to live with the fact that he’d groped Steve’s chest. Jesus, that was beyond mortifying. He might have done a little cuddling and maybe some slight groping in his sleep, but he’d been asleep for it. This was…not that. He probably had told Steve he was in love with him and that was why Steve was being weird. That made everything so much worse.

“It’s not the first time I’ve been groped by a drunk person.” Steve shrugged and it took Bucky’s still slightly hungover brain a moment to catch on to the stupid smirk on stupid Steve’s stupidly sexy face. Bucky buried his face in hands with a groan.

“You’re an asshole.”

Steve giggled. Flat out fucking giggled like a prepubescent child.

“Besides, Buck, you’ve never seen me drunk. There’s no telling what I get up to.”

Bucky only lifted his head enough to peek over his fingers. “You can get drunk?”

“Thor usually brings me a few bottles of Asgardian moonshine when he shows up. It’s strong enough to get me drunk.”

“Something else you never told me,” he grumbled sitting in his office chair and spinning toward his computers to wake them up. Granted, Steve not telling him he could actually get drunk if he had strong enough booze was nowhere near the same vein of not telling him he was gay. He was still pissed off about that by the way. Fuckin’ Steve.

“I said I was sorry about that.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does when it hurts you. I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s fine, Steve. Go be shifty somewhere else. I gotta work and so do you. Call those adoption agencies those people in the cooking class told us about. Make us appointments. That adoption lawyer too. We need to handle that shit. Need to see if they’re stealing babies.”

“Buck, that’s not what we’re here-”

“If you finish that sentence I’ll strangle you.” Bucky slowly spun back to his idiot fake husband with a glare. “If that is what’s happening, it ain’t right. You can’t just steal people’s babies, Steve.”

“Okay, Buck. We’ll find out what we can and then let the FBI handle it.”

“Fine. Go on.” He waved Steve away so he could hide away in his office and pretend he wasn’t still dying of embarrassment over groping Steve while drunk. He did actually plan on going through all of his files and the entirety of the information Tony’s virus had found. And he planned on uploading all the sound files that the bugs had recorded in to J 0.5 and then sending those to Tony as well. He just wanted to mope a little bit first.

“I’ll make some calls, sugar.”

Bucky nodded, already typing away on one of his two keyboards and waited until he heard Steve back in the living room before whimpering and thunking his head on the desk a couple times. Just to see if it knocked anything loose about what had happened the night before. Maybe Steve had just been being a little shit when he had said Bucky had groped him. Hopefully. Though he didn’t figure Steve would make shit up. Not like that. He _was_ kind of an ass sometimes though.

Bucky was halfway through sending all his files to Stark when he got a flash of himself whining at Carlos and John about Steve. The hell? He shook his head but it only made the memory come faster. Why? Was he fixing to have a front row seat to his own embarrassment that he was hoping he never remembered? And why the hell was he all the sudden remembering everything that had happened before and after getting blackout drunk?

***

“You ever love someone so much you kinda want to punch them in the face because they’re so perfect? Grant’s like that. He’s irritating and amazing and so fuckin’ gorgeous. I hate him.” Bucky pouted down at his empty shot glass and Carlos refilled it with a laugh. He and Carlos had had this conversation more than a few times.

“You got it so bad for him,” John murmured.

“And he’s got no idea. Not really. I mean…he does. We’re married and all but I feel like he’s got no idea how much I love him. Like us being married ain’t enough. I need to do something more. You ever feel like that?”

“Yeah I have. I went crazy and made John a million rings and necklaces before I figured out other ways to show him how much I care about him. It will drive you crazy if you keep trying to think of ways to show him how you feel. Grand gestures and all that. You don’t need those with your husband because he already knows.”

“But I wanna.” He did too. When he wasn’t sober. Mildly Buzzed him thought that grand gestures were a really good idea. Mildly Buzzed him also didn’t really mind that Steve was being all lovey and sappy and doting and shit. It was nice. None of his exes had been like that before. Course they weren’t doing it to fake a relationship either. His relationship was a lie and he still got treated better than in his previous relationships. Stupid, amazing, Steve.

“You know all his favorite things, James. Do one big thing. Except I’m not sure how you’re going to top marrying him where romantic gestures are concerned.”

Bucky pouted and looked around Carlos’ kitchen. He wasn’t sure what he was looking for until he saw a tequila bottle with a tiny sombrero on the lid. Maybe it was the lid? It was cute and he wanted to wear it for a tiny hat. “Hey, what’s that?” He stood, only wobbling slightly from his five shots of tequila and walked over to grab the bottle with the tiny hat. “I wanna try this!”

After that it was more whining about Steve while having taken his one and only shot Carlos said he was allowed of the Sierra. And maybe sneaking a few more when they weren’t looking. And then John had disappeared while Bucky was pouting about not being able to have Steve’s babies and Carlos had reminded him that he and Steve were looking to adopt babies anyway and it had been okay after that.

The door opened and Bucky swayed right off of his chair when he saw his husband standing in the door with John coming up behind him. When had John gone? Ha, he rhymed. “Baby! Oh, my God. I missed you so much!” Steve lifted him from the floor and Bucky wrapped himself around him like those fish thingies with all the arms that he was too drunk to remember what they were called right now. “I love you. You got no idea. They do though.” Bucky pointed to the four people standing in the kitchen and wondered when John and Carlos’ twins had shown up. “I told ‘em…I told ‘em I been in love with you forever but you didn’t know! And then…and then I told ‘em I wanna have your babies but Carlos said I can’t ‘cause I’m not a lady. S’why we gotta ‘dopt one. And I got sad, but I’m not sad now, baby.”

“You’re not?”

“No. ‘Cause you came and got me and I knew you would. You’re always gonna come after me. Even if I do stupid shit. Same way I’m gonna come after you. Know how I know?”

“How do you know, sugar?”

“‘Cause you love me. An’ ‘cause you got jealous when I…when I called your brother a sexy pirate.”

“Uh huh.” Bucky blinked up at his husband from where he’d apparently wiggled out of his arms and was now wrapped around his legs. The hell? “Can you walk, Jamie? Or do you need me to carry you?”

“You better carry him, Grant. I thought he was just drinking the Mezcal, but he snuck a few shots of the Sierra too and it’s a hell of a lot stronger.”

Steve picked him up and he giggled when the room spun. “Wow, you’re so strong. Do you know that when you run your tits bounce? And your junk. Your junk does too.” He groped his husband’s arms and chest, because that was something husbands were allowed to do, while making little ‘boing’ noises and he heard John and Carlos laughing as Steve carried him out of their house.

Bucky groaned, blinking wildly up at his husband as he carried him back to their stupidly adorable cottage that he secretly loved when he wasn’t being all badass. “Fuck, you’re so pretty.” He reached up and trailed a finger over that line of freckles across Steve’s cheeks and the bridge of his nose. “You’re just as done as I am, Grumpy.” He giggled then sighed. “Fuckin’ love you, baby.” He tipped his chin up and brushed his lips over Steve’s. “So gorgeous. Fuckin’…fuckin’ sexy lumberjack.” He blinked up at Steve again then grinned and poked his cheek. “Pink. I wanna make you pink all over. Want you ta make _me_ pink all over. Beard burn.”

Steve stumbled a few steps, almost dropping him, and he yelped as he clung on tighter. “Don’ drop me!”

“I won’t, doll face. I’ll never drop you.”

“M’kay.”

The next thing he knew he was sat on the couch and his husband was walking out of the living room. “Baby!”

“I’m just going in the kitchen, stay there.”

Bucky stumbled to a stop from where he was already halfway to the kitchen and pouted with indecision before he finally sat on the floor. Technically he was doing what Steve said. He bit his bottom lip as he waited for his husband to come back, then frowned when he felt something pokey with his tongue. “Bleh.” He scraped at it until it came loose from his tooth and pulled it out of his mouth with a frown when he saw the stabby stingy thing from the scorpion that had been in the tequila.

“Baby! I ate a bug! Scorpion! I ate a scorpion.”

“Just now,” Steve asked as he walked back into the living room.

“Nooo! It was in the tequila!”

“Sounds interesting.” He handed Bucky a cup of water, then picked him back up and sat him on the couch again. “I need you to focus for a minute, Buck.”

“Okay.”

“What did they give you?”

“Booze. Lots.”

“You’re sure?”

Bucky nodded wildly, making his head spin worse than it already was. “Carlos and John have the good shit. Almos’ as good as Tony’s booze. I like Tony. He’s a meddlin’ asshole.”

“He only meddles with people he likes.”

“Who do you meddle, Sexy Lumberjack Steve?” Steve was blushing again and Bucky giggled. “You’re pink again.” Bucky poked his cheek with his free hand and Steve sighed.

“I meddle people I like, Bucky.”

“Do you like me, Steve?”

Steve sighed again, God he was sigh-y. Like a princess or Juliet on her balcony or something. “Fuck it,” Steve muttered. “You’re not going to remember this tomorrow anyway. Yeah, I do like you, Buck. More than I should.”

“You do?” Bucky bounced closer to him, waiting impatiently for an answer.

“I really do, Buck.”

“Then meddle me, damn it!” He giggled again fumbling for a kiss but Steve nudged him back on the couch and took his cup from him.

“Be still.”

“But I wanna meddle you! I love you.”

“Shh. You’re drunk, sugar. Drink this so we can get you in bed.”

Bucky reached for the glass as Steve held it out and fell off the couch in a pile of helpless giggles. Steve sat him up, held the glass to his lips, making him take careful sips until it was all gone, then picked him up and carried him into the bedroom.  “Now we’re talkin’.” Steve sat him on the bed, then pulled his boots and jeans off and nudged him back onto the pillows and pulled the blanket over him. “Gimme a kiss, baby.” Steve sighed, then leaned down and gave him a gentle kiss.

“Go to sleep, baby doll.”

“D’aww. So fuckin’ old and cute.” Bucky reached up and patted his cheek with a sappy smile.

“Goodnight, Bucky.”

“G’night, Steeb. Love you.”

***

Bucky whimpered, letting his head drop to his desk. Why him? Why’d he have to go and do that? No wonder Steve was being shifty as hell. Bucky had all but shoved his hand down his pants. And told him he loved him like a million times. Hopefully Steve had taken it all with a grain of salt, but he knew that was unlikely since Steve was being weird. Obviously uncomfortable what with how Bucky had embarrassed himself like that. Embarrassed Steve in front of John and Carlos. Groping him and making boing noises. Jesus. It was bad enough when Steve had told him, it was even worse now that he remembered it. It was a wonder Steve was even talking to him at all. Though probably it was only for the mission. No one in their right mind would put up with shit like that. From anyone. Steve sure as hell didn’t need to.

As soon as they were done, as soon as they figured everything out, Bucky was gone. He’d have Stark make good on his offer to set him up and he’d pack up himself and Becca and no one would ever see them again. They’d go off grid if they had to. No one would ever be able to find them that way. He and Becca could become crazy cat ladies that lived in a creepy house in the forest and everyone would swear it was haunted and that he and Becca were witches that summoned demons and cavorted with Satan on Halloween. And when they got old they’d venture out into the world and everyone would be like ‘there’s those creepy Barnes siblings. I heard they turn people into bugs and then eat them’ and Bucky and Becca would cackle and point wands they’d made out of tree limbs at them while screaming gibberish just to make the imaginary townsfolk piss themselves. And then they’d go home to their ninety-seven free range cats and giggle over it until the next year when they would do it again.

Or they could be werewolves maybe. Werewolves were cool. Maybe they’d howl at the full moon and hunt together and stuff. And maybe he was being a little dramatic, not drama queen standards because he was absolutely not a drama queen, but even so he didn’t think any of it was too far-fetched.

But how did he deal with Steve in the meantime? Steve had said he liked Bucky more than he should. But did that mean he was in love with him too? Or did he like him as more than a friend and less than a lover? Like maybe Bucky was good enough to kiss and snuggle and dote on sometimes, but not good enough to be in a real relationship with. And wasn’t that a bitch and a half? Still, did Bucky just pretend he had never remembered what happened? Maybe Steve just thought he was talking out of his ass because he was drunk. Or maybe Steve thought that even though he was drunk he was still playing his part because he’d been with Carlos and John who were Hopefully Not Hydra. But shit, what the fuck was he supposed to do?

He whimpered again because whimpering pathetically seemed like the best course of action right that moment and refused to lift his head from his desk, probably leaving multiple pages of keysmash from his head resting on his laser keyboard. Who cared about keysmash when he was having a crisis?

He wanted to call Natasha or Becca and whine at them but he knew all they would tell him was that he needed to stop being stubborn and tell Steve he was in love with him when he wasn’t drunk, but that meant actually facing emotions head on and he didn’t like to do that. He liked to be grumpy and reclusive. Especially when he knew that emoting at people was likely to blow up in his face. Besides, grumpy was an emotion. Wasn’t it?

***

He eventually managed to lift his head and get to work after deleting a few pages of alksdjf;lkas, but only because God knows how much later Steve brought him food from the ramen bar and he had to pretend to be normal and not like he’d realized he’d made the biggest idiot out of himself. Steve had gotten him tonkotsu spicy ramen and crispy chicken with a little side salad and salmon avocado. He knew Steve had gotten the tonkotsu black (which was gross because nori) with takoyaki and mini tacos that were made with braised pork and kimchi. It was the same thing they always got from the ramen bar. Sometimes, when they dined in instead of having it delivered, they got BlockPops for dessert. He always got the triple berry white chocolate and Steve always got the green tea pistachio. They wound up sharing them halfway through most the time anyways though.

When Bucky had eaten and then done all he could do until he heard back from Tony, he opened YouTube and fell into a spiral of kitten and puppy videos that somehow turned into videos about giraffes and then those turned into videos of hamsters and then he watched those epically stupid PSAs Steve had done forever ago and he didn’t know if he’d ever allow himself to be seen with Steve after those. Secondhand embarrassment was a thing and he’d been embarrassed enough lately. After the Cap videos he’d turned to music videos from his emo stage as a teenager and had stolen all his ma’s _The Cure_ CDs and cassette tapes. And if he maybe bopped around his office while singing _Friday I’m In Love_ into his soda bottle microphone, well, no one would know but him. And somehow _The Cure_ turned into _Depeche Mode_ and they turned into _Dire Straits_ and maybe _Total Eclipse of the Heart_ by _Bonnie Tyler_ was in there somewhere. Bucky definitely did not get weepy when _More Than Words_ by _Extreme_ started. After that the spiral continued until he fell asleep in his office chair while _Lynyrd Skynyrd_ sang _Simple Man._

***

“Bucky? Come on, sugar. Come to bed. It’s late.” Bucky groaned as he felt himself being lifted out of his office chair. Stupid Steve shoulda just let him sleep in his office. Didn’t mean he wasn’t going to wrap himself around him though.

“Salt.”

“What?”

“Not sugar. I’m salty.”

“That too. You’re sweet and salty. Like that trail mix you think I don’t know you keep stashed in your desk.”

“Shuddup, Steve.”

“Sure thing, baby doll.” Steve put him on the bed and Bucky immediately curled around his pillow. He was too tired to care if he was still in his clothes. Too tired to care if he was supposed to be avoiding Steve so he didn’t do something stupid like confess his love for him again and when Steve slid into bed next to him, he cuddled close and fell back to sleep before his next thought.

***

He still hadn’t heard anything from Tony the next day and wondered if he had missed that much shit or if Tony was being extremely thorough and that was what was causing the delay. He knew Stark would get in touch with them when or if he found something so the only thing Bucky could do was wait. Unfortunately that meant dealing with Steve. And Steve wanted to talk. Probably he felt guilty or something. Bucky sighed, then drained his coffee mug before going back for another cup. He needed something to keep his hands busy for whatever it was Steve wanted to talk to him about.

“You ready to talk, Buck?”

“Not really.”

“I’m tired of dancing around each other.”

Who was dancing? No one was dancing. Bucky didn’t dance. Not even at their fake wedding.

“We gotta get everything out in the open now. We can’t keep doing this. We can’t keep going along with our heads up our asses because we don’t want to do this. We’ve been fucking around for the most part and acting like this was a vacation instead of a job. A mission.” He sighed after speaking and Bucky knew Steve had hit his limit. Shit.

“What is there to talk about?” He really, really, didn’t want to talk. About anything. Ever. But he especially didn’t want to talk about drunkenly confessing his love for Steve. And grabbing Steve’s pecs and calling them tits. Which…you know…they kind of were a little bit maybe?

“You being enhanced for one.”

Oh! They were going to have that conversation. Ugh. No.

“We’ve been working together for months now. If…I realize how frightening it must be, but surely you’ve known us long enough to trust us now. To trust me.”

“Not quite sure you get that trust thing, Steve. You’ve had how long now to tell me that you’re gay? How many months, huh?” He was glad he’d been holding the coffee mug with both hands when the handle turned to dust in his left hand. Apparently his brain was going to do the ‘let's get into a fight so we don’t have to talk thing’. He could work with that. “Damn it.”

“I don’t see how it’s a that big of a deal, Buck. So I didn’t tell you, it doesn’t mean-”

“What it means, Steven, is that you didn’t trust me with it for whatever fucking reason. Is it because you’re not out? What’d you think I was gonna do? Go blab to every paper or trash mag that I could? You really think I’d turn on you like that?”

“No.”

“Then what? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s not important.”

Bucky stared at him for a long minute before sighing heavily and getting up to go pick out a new coffee mug. Oh, look. Another boring white one. “How’s it not important, Steve?”

“Can we talk about it later? There are more important things to go over.”

“Evasion? You? No!” Bucky feigned shock as he poured his Death Coffee from one mug to the other. “Look, you talk about whatever your little heart wants to talk about. I’ll listen, but I am not going to listen to you tell me a load of fucking bullshit. I’m done, Steve. This,” he waved a hand encompassing them and the entire shitty situation. “After this is over, I’m gone. I’m done. I mean it. Tony already promised to set me up if this ended as badly as I thought it would and it’s fucking going to, just to prove me right even though I wish it wouldn’t.”

“What?” Steve actually looked shocked but Bucky wasn’t sure if he was faking it or not. He was probably faking it though.

“Don’t act like you give a damn. I’ll be gone and then you can go on pretending you’re not a dick.”

“I don’t understand why you’re so upset about me not telling you.”

Bucky didn’t have a habit of breaking things when he was pissed off at other people. The two coffee cups he’d already broken was all on him being pissed off at his own failures and frustration. This coffee cup he was tempted to break now was over being pissed off at Steve and he wouldn’t do that. Why _was_ he so upset with Steve for not telling him? They weren’t together. Would never be together. So it didn’t really matter. Except that it did. He hadn’t thought he’d ever have a chance with Steve because he had thought he was straight all this time. Curious maybe, but still straight. And then finding out that Steve was gay and just hadn’t told him made it so much fucking worse than being in love with a straight guy. At least then he knew he’d never have a chance and it didn’t matter or hurt near as much, but after finding out he’d been wrong? It was fucking devastating to find out that he just wasn’t good enough for Steve. Not that he’d ever really thought he could’ve been, but now he knew he wasn’t. There probably wasn’t anyone that was good enough for Captain Righteous.

“I can’t do this.” Bucky sat his coffee down, pushed past Steve, and went to his office, locking the door behind him. He had an email to send. Steve could get Natasha to come and they could finish up. John and Carlos were fishy as all hell and he’d missed it because he’d been too busy “pretending” to be in love with Steve and running around with his head up his ass to see it. He was fucking compromised and had to get out before shit got worse. There was no telling what else he had missed and so emailed Stark the copies of everything had gotten since sending the last of it. That was officially everything that he and Steve had gotten since arriving in Stepford. Next he emailed a real letter of resignation and a request for Natasha to come finish things up.

Not even ten minutes later an office phone he hadn’t even realized he even had began to ring. He frowned looking around the paper strewn desk and found it buried under a stack of newspapers. He knew it was Stark and didn’t want to talk to him at all so he unplugged the cord and tossed the phone across the room and then shut down and unplugged his computers.

He spent the rest of the day avoiding Steve completely. He ignored the knocks on his office door, Steve begging him to talk, ignored the smell of food wafting in from underneath it when Steve brought him food that he didn’t eat even though he was starving, and he ignored Steve when he murmured a goodnight on his way past his office to their bedroom. Steve’s bedroom now. Bucky had already texted Becca asking if she’d overnight his old Army cot for his office. The couch was supremely uncomfortable because of his arm, not to mention that Steve might strangle him if he accidentally messed up the pastel yellow and white gingham sofa by potentially sleeping on it long-term, and the Army cot was actually about as comfortable as his and Steve’s bed. He’d set it up in his office and stay there until Natasha showed up to replace him. Hopefully it wouldn’t take that long.

***

Bucky awoke to Steve lifting him out of his office chair and he flailed trying to get away from him. “Put me down!”

“No.” Steve held him tighter and carried him out of his office and through the house to the kitchen where he sat him down at the table. A mug of coffee was waiting for him, along with a plate stacked with pancakes sitting next to another plate covered with scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast. “Eat. I could hear your stomach growling from the bedroom.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Yes you are baby doll.”

Bucky tensed with a glare when Steve skimmed his knuckles over his cheek like he’d done a million times before. He might have been mad enough at Steve to ignore him for a full day and move out of their bedroom permanently, but he apparently wasn’t mad enough that Steve’s stupid touchy feely crap didn’t make him incapable of telling him no. He grumbled at this soon to be ex fake husband, then picked up his coffee and took a drink. Nevermind that Steve was trying to feed him breakfast foods in the middle of the night.

“We need to talk, Buck.”

“About? No, you know what? I don’t want to talk. I don’t care what it’s about. I’m still mad at you.”

“We gotta talk about John and Carlos.”

“I don’t give a damn about John and Carlos, right now!” Bucky shoved himself back from the table, his chair screeching across the tiles, making him and Steve both wince.

“Then what do you care about right now?”

“Not them and not you!” Bucky stood up and stormed out of the kitchen. Pretended he didn’t see the hurt in Steve’s eyes. He’d feel bad about it later after he calmed down, but he was not in the mood to deal with Steve. He was still pissed off and he knew he was probably overreacting, but hell. He’d had his heart shattered and was trying to hide it. How the fuck else was he supposed to act?

And yeah, they were running around in circles, but he didn’t know what to fucking do. Everything was so messed up and he was so twisted up inside he couldn’t think straight. He would eventually go apologize to Steve, but honestly he didn’t want to. He was still pissed off at Steve for lying to him by not telling him anything. If it was life or death he could understand not being told everything, but as it was he just wanted to give Steve a black eye. And then maybe kiss it better, but that was neither here nor there. They did need to talk. Sooner rather than later so they could get to work on the things they actually needed to be paying attention to, but it was so damned hard to bottle all that crap back up.

***

It was an hour or so later before he finally managed to get his head straightened out, even though his heart thumped traitorously as he walked out of his office. The cottage was completely silent. Eerily so. No TV, no radio. No sound but the gentle hum of the central heat and air and the refrigerator.

He knew Steve hadn’t gone back to bed because he hadn’t heard him and Steve always told him goodnight, even when they were being pissy with each other. He tiptoed down the hall to sneak into the kitchen, half expecting his thermos of coffee to be on the table and a sticky note stuck to the microwave letting him know his food was waiting on him. Instead he saw that his chair was still where he’d left it when he’d pushed away from the table. His plates were still on the table, gone cold and congealed. His coffee had that half separated look from sitting there for so long. And when he finally tore his eyes away from the table, Steve was sitting just where he’d left him. Christ.

“Steve?” The blonde lifted his head and Bucky bit back a wince at the dejected look in his red rimmed and blood shot eyes. “Were you crying?” Steve huffed and shook his head.

“What do you care?”

Bucky winced and twisted his fingers in his shirt. “I didn’t mean that, Steve. I do care. Too fuckin’ much. I’m sorry I snapped at you. Shit’s just…” He didn’t have words to encompass how much of a mess they were in because they’d been running around with their heads up their asses. Because _he_ didn’t want to talk. Didn’t want to deal with his own shit. Because he’d rather bury his head in the sand than deal with the fact that he was in love with someone that wouldn’t love him back.

“Yeah.” Steve took a shuddering breath in and then let it out on a sigh. “We need to talk.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I just…really don’t want to.”

“I know. It’s all gone balls up and we lost touch of what we were supposed to be doing.”

“Yeah.” Bucky grabbed his chair and picked it up to carry it closer to the table. He put it down, then sat and grabbed his cold coffee, stirring it with his finger.

“I’ll heat it up for you.” Steve started to stand and Bucky shook his head.

“Don’t you dare. I was an ass, Steve. I’m sorry I said that I didn’t care. I do.”

“About them? Or me?” Steve watched him with wary eyes as he picked up his fork and took a bite of his congealed scrambled eggs. “God, Buck, let me heat that up for you,” he said with a wince.

“Nope, it’s part of my penance.”

“Bucky.”

“No. And about you mostly. You’re my friend, Steve. My partner in all of this. I’m sorry I was an asshole.”

“I’m sorry I was too. About the not telling you thing. I just…no one knows except the team. I should have told you before this started, but I didn’t…want to…”

“Didn’t want to tell me?”

“No, not that. I wanted to tell you, but…can we table this part of it for now? Please. I promise I’ll tell you, I just need a little bit to think about what I need to say.”

“Okay, Steve.”

“Will we be okay, Buck?”

Bucky’s automatic thought was yes. He wanted to tell Steve that they would be fine. That they’d go back to the awkward silly friendship they’d developed over the past little while they’d been in Stepford. That they’d go back to eating breakfast together almost every morning, dancing around each other and each other’s bullshit, flirting with each other for the neighbors, and cuddling platonically in bed after the day was done. He wanted to tell Steve that his drunken confession had just been him pretending for Carlos and John. That he’d gotten carried away with him because of all the alcohol he had drank. That drunken love confessions don’t count so don’t read too much into it. He wanted to tell Steve that he would be okay with whatever Steve’s reasoning was for not telling him he was gay. He wanted to pretend none of any of this had ever happened and he was still working in his office as an Intelligence Nerd and had never garnered any of the Avengers’ attention. He couldn’t do any of that. Didn’t think it would be fair to give Steve, or himself, false hope. Instead, he gave his fake-soon-to-be-ex-husband a weak smile and a small shrug.

“I dunno.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...all that happened. D:
> 
> I hadta cut this chapter into at least two pieces. I had close to 17k so I split it otherwise it was way too busy a chapter.


	14. You Wouldn't Notice a Horse Standing in the Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking happens. And some other stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note the new tags, ratings change, and chapter count.
> 
> Beta'd by the always amazing SergeantFreezerburn. <3

 

An annoyingly patriotic bugle horn woke Bucky from his nap and he groaned, reaching out a hand to grab the phone from the nightstand to shut the noise up before he remembered he was curled up in a sunbeam like a cat.

“Get your phone,” he grumbled as he rolled away from the noise as if it would help. Christ that was the worst ringtone ever. Why? “Steve! Get your stupid phone!” It continued to blare and he whimpered rolling back over and reaching for Steve’s stupid phone where it was sitting on the coffee table where he’d left it after their midnight breakfast. Steve had locked himself in his studio and Bucky had curled up on the floor in front of their fireplace since it was too far to his office and his cot hadn’t arrived yet. He pouted when the phone was just out of reach and he had to shift over a couple inches to grab it to see who was calling when they were both in shitty moods. He should’ve known it was Stark by the ringtone. Steve was a dork, but even he wasn’t annoying enough to use the stupid bugle horn as a ringtone. He jabbed the phone harder than strictly necessary so he could swipe the stupid glowing phone to answer it.

“What?”

“Oh…you’re answering each other’s phones. That’s…a thing you do. Now.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. He wasn’t in the mood for Stark’s shit. “You woke me up. I don’t know where he is, so what do you want?”

“You didn’t tell him?”

“Tell him what?”

“That you love him.”

“Of course not. Why would I?”

“Thor said you two were talking about things before he left. I assumed you would have told him by now, but if you had you’d be in a better mood.”

“Did you even get my last email?”

“Nooo.” Bucky rolled his eyes as he heard Stark fiddling with something. “Oh, kid. I-” 

The pity in Tony’s voice grated on his nerves. “Save it. I told you before we left that this was a bad idea. I’m done, okay. I really need to leave now. I want a divorce and I want what you promised me.”

“Will you at least tell him how you feel?” He wasn’t about to tell Tony that he’d already done that while drunk.

“No. He doesn’t need to know.” And if Steve hadn’t figured it out himself by now, he was the most oblivious asshole to ever exist because Bucky knew he’d been doing a piss poor job of hiding his feelings from Steve. He had to have been. There was no way in hell Steve didn’t know he loved him. Especially since Drunk Bucky had confessed like a dumb fuck and left Sober Bucky to deal with the aftermath on his own.

“Kid.”

“Don’t, I don’t want to hear it. Is Natasha coming or not?”

“She could. If she and Barton weren’t off on a super-secret spy mission of their own right now.”

“Oh.”

“Look, how about you just take a couple days. Come back to the city. Tell the neighbors you had some things to finish up with your job. Make something up. Whatever. Just get away from him for a couple days.”

“I can’t. If Natasha can’t come then I have to stay here and finish this.”

“Kid, I’m two seconds away from flying out there myself.”

“Shit, no, don’t do that.” Everything would go right to hell if Stark showed up. Dude didn’t have a subtle bone in his entire body, much less the ability to blend in.

“Then get out of there for a couple days. If you don’t want to come home for a couple days go to Vegas or something.”

That…didn’t sound like an entirely terrible idea. He could get a hotel room and pout without Steve either stuck up his butt or ignoring him entirely. Maybe a couple days away would be good for the both of them. It would be a nice little break to take the time to breathe and not worry about things so much. Steve could handle things on his own for a day or two and Bucky could be as pitiful as he wanted to be with no witnesses. He wouldn’t have to worry about Steve’s possible expectations, wouldn’t have to worry about anything but watching TV and maybe gambling a little bit with Stark’s money. 

“Vegas could be fun.” He was starting to forget what fun felt like. Had he ever known? He’d always been kind of grumpy, and felt like he was older than Steve most days, but he knew some old people gambled a lot so he’d probably fit in. He could be like one of those little old ladies on TV or in movies where they were sat at a slot machine chain smoking with an oxygen cannula up their nose. Except he was pretty sure if he tried that he’d blow himself up, what with the way his life was going right now and all. So maybe he’d just stay in his hotel room. For everyone’s safety.

“Great, I’ll get you a ticket and a hotel room. You get to tell your hubby that you’re running away.”

“Fake hubby.”

“Wouldn’t be fake if you’d talk to him.”

Bucky huffed. He freakin’ wished. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you people that this is fake. He doesn’t love me and I don’t…it’s fake Stark! I’ll tell him you called.”

“I’ll email you your flight ans hotel information.”

“Get bent.”

“Love you too kid,” Stark told him with a laugh and then made a sound of disgust. “Ugh, feels.”

Bucky grinned at that and hung up, then put Steve’s phone back on the coffee table and rolled back over so he was directly in his patch of sunlight again. He fully intended to go back to sleep. He’d tell Steve that Stark had called later. He had time. Whatever it was must not have been very important if the maniac had been more interested in his and Steve’s nonexistent love life. Or at least his nonexistent love life because as far as he knew Steve was sneaking off six times a day to bang Floozy Tammy. No, shit. Not anymore. Ha! Fuck you Floozy Tammy. But what if Steve was banging John and Carlos? Fuck!

“Grant!” He scrambled up from the floor and ran to the bedroom only to find it empty. He checked the studio next and saw Steve asleep on the floor in front of an easel that held what he thought was a finished painting. Different shades of icy blues had been streaked across it. Some looked scratched in and others brushed on gently. Toward the bottom of the canvas the blues leached into dark greys with a few splatters of blood red. Bucky stepped further into the studio and looked down at Steve to see him with a towel wrapped around his finger and the razorblade he used to scrape paint onto the canvas had dropped on the floor under the easel. How many times had Steve accidently cut himself while painting with that stupid razorblade? Couldn’t he use some kind of putty knife or something to get the same effect? Stupid, perfect Steve.

“Steve? Hey, come on.” Bucky knew touching Steve to wake him up when he wasn’t expecting anyone to be touching him was a bad idea so he nudged Steve’s foot with his own so he’d have time to jump away from him before he got kicked in the shin or something. “Wake up, Steve!” He kicked Steve’s foot and yelped, hopping around and rubbing at his shin when he didn’t jump back fast enough and got nailed by Steve’s giant super powered foot.

Steve sat up and scrubbed at his eyes, jabbed himself in the eye with the towel on his finger and scowled at it like he wondered how it had gotten there. “Cut,” he grumbled as he unwound the towel. Bucky saw that the cut was already healed up, figured Steve was fine, and so opened his stupid, traitorous mouth.

“Hey, you’d tell me if you were boning John and Carlos right?”

Steve blinked up at him in confusion and then something that looked like scandal. “Excuse me?”

“Well, now I know you’re not banging Floozy Tammy, but I thought maybe since…you know…that you’d be banging John or Carlos.”

“The hell are you talking about, Buck?”

“Stark called your phone and I answered it because it woke me up and you slept through it and he keeps asking me about my nonexistent love life and he never hounds you about yours that I know of, but then I thought maybe you might have been sneaking off to bang the neighbors.”

“You seriously woke me up to ask me if I have been fucking John and Carlos?”

“Um…” He knew, okay? He knew he wasn’t exactly thinking straight and his stupid little jealous shoulder devil had made him think of Steve banging other dudes and then…yeah. He knew it was stupid. “Yes?”

“Christ.” Steve rolled his eyes, crossed himself with a quiet murmur and a look on his face eerily resembling his Captain Fight Me face, and then stood up and put his hands on Bucky’s shoulders. “When exactly would I have had the time?”

Bucky shrugged. “I don’t know. I just…wondered is all.”

“You’re not the only one with a nonexistent love life, Buck.”

“Oh. That’s…good.” Oh, dear God someone shut him up. “I mean it’s not good. Unless you don’t want a love life? Then it’s fine? Jeez. I’m gonna go now.” He backed away so Steve’s hands fell from his shoulders, then turned to leave the studio before he made even more of an ass of himself.

“What did Tony actually want?”

“No idea. You should call him.”

Bucky rushed to the bedroom and closed the door so he could go hide in the shower before Steve decided he wanted to talk again. They didn’t exactly have a great track record where important conversations were concerned. One or the other of them kept fucking things up. Mostly him, he thought. But Steve was just as much of a jackass as he was though, so there was that. Either way, Bucky was going away for a couple days and they could talk when he got back.

Unfortunately, after getting out of the shower and being mortified to find Steve sitting on the bed waiting for him while he was dressed only in a towel, he found that life had a way of fucking him over sometimes.

***

Bucky really didn’t want to know whatever it was that put that look on Steve’s face. He really, truly did not want to know. Whatever it was had to be bad. Steve’s eyes were glazed over as if in shock, his skin was pale aside from a rosy spot on each cheek, his bottom lip was pinched between his teeth, and Bucky wasn’t sure he was even breathing.

“What’s wrong?”

Steve finally blinked and cleared his throat, then crossed his legs and leaned forward, propping his elbow on his raised knee, curling in on himself. “I uh…” He cleared his throat again, then looked toward the bedroom window where the sheers were pulled closed.

Bucky rolled his eyes at the blonde, then walked into their closet and grabbed a pair of his baggier jeans and one of Steve’s lumberjack uniform shirts before retreating back to the en suite to dress. Steve was still acting weird when he got back into the room so he sighed and resisted the urge to whack Steve over the back of the head to get him to spit out whatever was wrong.

“Did you call Tony? Did he say what he wanted?”

Steve finally came back around with a jolt and a nod. “He said you wanted to quit and wanted Natasha to come out and finish up.” Oh. Shit. His freaking cot hadn’t even shown up yet and he wondered if Becca had even sent it or if Tony had caught his message to her since he’d sent it from his computer. She had replied though. Or at least it had seemed like the message was from her. Still, he didn’t want to talk to Steve about asking Tony if he could leave yet.

“Can we talk about that later? I may have been extremely upset with you and acted rashly because of it.”

“I guess.” Steve shrugged, looking just as dejected as he had the night before. 

“Did Tony say anything else?”

Steve sighed heavily with a short, jerky nod. “John used to work at the same hospital you were in after you got hurt.”

Queue the record scratch noise. “What?” That couldn’t be right. It was a tad bit too coincidental. With something like this there couldn’t be any coincidences. Not one that big and why the fuck hadn’t Tony told him instead of hounding him to talk to Steve about how he felt and then begging him to take a couple days off. What the fuck was going on with Stark? “How?”

“He was a doctor there. Mark Sanchez. He and Carlos were really married. Carlos’ real name is Enrique.”

“Steve, that was a military hospital.”

“I know. Do you remember your doctors’ names?”

“I was pretty out of it for a little while in case you were wondering.” He shook his head trying to think back but ran into a brick wall. He still hadn’t had coffee and he definitely needed some right now. “I need coffee.” 

“It’s in the pot. I made it while you were in the shower.

“Thanks.” 

He rushed to the kitchen and fixed himself a cup of coffee,  then walked into the living room and fell onto the couch. If they were going to have a long conversation, which he thought they might, they’d do it where they would be comfortable. He pretended his heart didn’t thump in time to Steve’s quiet footsteps as he followed him. What the hell was going on?

“We gotta talk about you being enhanced. I think they might have something to do with it. When you get hurt…it’s something that should put you out for weeks, not days. I think…when did you realize you were different?”

Bucky shook his head at the look on Steve’s face. The almost pity and something Bucky didn’t have a name for. He was going to have to talk about it finally, wasn’t he? Instead of just ignoring it and pretending it was just a nifty side effect of losing his arm. He groaned out a loud ‘fuck’, then sighed heavily. “I knew I was different after the hospital. Faster, stronger. Kinda found out the hard way when I broke Becca’s car.”

“You broke a car?”

“I may have stolen it one day when I was being pissy right out of the hospital and I accidently jerked the whole steering wheel out of the car and broke the steering column and then crashed into a street lamp. I flipped the fuck out, jumped out of the car, and ran home. I didn’t tell her what happened. Just told her it had gotten stolen from me. So she reported it, but the only fingerprints in the car were mine and hers and with the steering wheel ripped out like that she knew I’d done it. Insurance paid for the car because we were too scared to tell anyone. Didn’t know what would happen if we did. But…I knew. I hid it because I knew people would ask questions and I didn’t have any answers. I still don’t have any answers. I don’t want any answers.” Especially right now. He didn’t want to know if John and Carlos were involved in whatever the hell conspiracy Steve and Tony were thinking of. He didn’t want to know if they were somehow involved with what happened to him.

“I think you’re going to get them whether you want them or not, Buck. And was that before you got your new arm or after?”

“Before. Can we not do this right now? Can this wait?” He really didn’t want to have this conversation.

Steve gave him a weak smile and he sighed heavily, knowing what Steve was going to say. “I know you, Bucky. I know you don’t want to talk, but if we don’t talk about it now, we won’t. You’ll run from it.”

“The fuck do you know?”

“I know you’re not a damn coward, but right now you’re acting like one.”

Bingo. But because Bucky was nothing if not a snarky pain in the ass, and definitely not a drama queen, “Oh, fuck you, Rogers.”

“You can fling yourself at assholes with knockoffs of Tony’s suits, mutant man-eating pandas, and giant alligators bigger than a fucking Megalodon, but you can’t deal with this?”

“Fuck Louisiana and fuck you too, buddy.” Seriously, fuck Louisiana. He’d never be able to look at an alligator again without having nightmares about being in a shitty Syfy movie. That mission had been a shitshow from the first minute until the last. Not to mention Steve’s terrible puns.

“I wish.” Steve’s mutter was barely as loud as a whisper, but Bucky still heard it and nearly had a heart attack. Surely he was saying he wished about the giant alligators. Because there was no way in hell Steve was wishing for anything else. Bucky’s inner Southern Belle flicked open her fan and sighed as she waved air at her face to cool down before she fainted.

“What?” And apparently she could still speak because that wispy voice was back.

“I said I wish you’d watch your damn language.”

And then she left. “Bullshit. I’ve lived with you for two and a half months now. You cuss way worse than I do.”

“I do fucking not.”

“You just did, pal!” 

“Oh, fu…”

“Ha!” Bucky pointed an accusing finger at him and Steve did his ‘Captain America disapproves of what you just did’ glare.

“Shut up.”

“Very mature, Steven.”

“Yeah, you’re the pinnacle of maturity, Buck. We should all follow your stellar example.”

“You should,” Bucky sniffed. “I’m very mature.”

“What kind of mature person eats an entire jar of Nutella for lunch?”

“One that gets to make his own decisions because he has a job and pays his own bills and can buy his own fucking groceries, that’s what kind.”

Steve huffed out a wry laugh and shook his head with a hand over his eyes. “We’re so far off track right now, Buck.”

Had they ever been on the right track? Bucky imagined the guy from Family Feud waving his note cards at a screen that only had two answers available. Survey says? Hell no. “Look, Rogers, all I know is that I was different after I got out of the hospital.”

“It had to have happened when you were in the Army.”

“The only thing that happened in the army was me busting my ass for ten years doing shit that definitely could have gotten me killed but didn’t, only to then getting blown up.” He vividly remembered every single moment of that part of his life.

“What about after that?”

“In the hospital for three weeks? What would anyone do in the hospital, Steve?”

“Buck, I saw your records. You should have been in the hospital for a lot longer than three weeks. You’ve never been sick since then have you?”

He actually had to sit and think about it for a moment before he could answer. He’d never gotten sick that often to begin with. The last he could remember was that he’d gotten the flu in the hospital. It had been the worst flu he’d ever had with severe aches and pains adding to what he’d already had because of his injuries and he hadn’t gotten sick since. “I got sick in the hospital. The doctors said it was because my immune system was jacked up because I was hurt.”

“When did it start?”

Bucky shrugged. “A few days after I got there. I was in so much pain already I didn’t pay attention.”

“Someone gave you a version of the serum.”

“Bullshit. Everyone knows all of the stuff on it was lost.”

“And Zola had tried to replicate it. Who’s to say someone else didn’t try?” Steve stood and paced back and forth in front of the couch. “You’d have been screaming, Buck. The worst pain you’d ever felt.”

“I’d just gotten blown up. It  _ was _ the worst pain I’d ever felt. And how can I still get drunk if I’d gotten the serum? I mean not even mass amounts of alcohol either. It’s not like I was drinking gallons of the stuff.”

“I don’t know, Buck.”

Bucky groaned, falling back against the couch cushions and closing his eyes. If he did have some wonky version of the serum it would explain so much. Explain why he was stronger. Why he barely worked out and still kept up his muscle mass. How much he needed to eat. How he could get by with eating so much junkfood when he rarely went to the gym. But they’d probably want to experiment on him now. Just to be sure. And then they’d find out all kinds of things he really didn’t want to know. Like how much more could he do if he pushed himself? How long would he live? Would they freeze him just to see if he could survive it like Steve did? He didn’t want them to experiment on him.

“Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you going to experiment on me now?” He really didn’t want to be experimented on.

“Probably all Tony will need to do is some blood work. It won’t go further than that if you don’t want it to. I won’t let him treat you like a lab rat. I know how badly it sucks. He wouldn’t mean to do it, but you know how he gets.”

Bucky nodded, then downed the rest of his coffee and fiddled with the handle on the cup. “I don’t want him to.”

Bucky still didn’t want to know exactly what had happened. He’d rather live in denial than know exactly who had doped him up during his time in the hospital. He was finally going to have to deal with it though, wasn’t he? He had to know. He wanted to ask why him. Who were they that they got to make that choice for him? Which of his doctors had given it to him? Which one had decided to play God and given him something he’d never asked for? Was it John? It was extremely coincidental that John just happened to have been working at the hospital the same time Bucky had been there and now he was here. Did John remember him? Were their covers blown? Shit. He needed a fucking vacation. He needed to stay home with Steve and plan how they were going to talk to John and Carlos.

Steve finally stopped pacing and Bucky peeked an eye open to look at him. Steve stood in front of him for a minute before sitting on the coffee table and taking the mug from him. He sat it on the table next to his hip, then took Bucky’s hands in his own. “I won’t let him, Buck. I know it’s frightening. I can’t imagine how much exactly, but you don’t have to be scared. Not of Tony. Not of me.”

“I’m not scared of you, Steve.” He had to make sure Steve knew that. It wasn’t fear that made Bucky run. Not like Steve meant anyways. Steve was just...God he was so fuckin’ pretty. Stupidly pretty. Fucking stubborn and pigheaded. Reckless and amazing. Brave and protective of his people and funny. Even if he was a complete and utter dork. Or maybe in spite of it. He was talented and kind and…so much better than Bucky could ever hope to be. Even if he could be an asshole sometimes. And Bucky loved him so damned much. But right now he needed a couple days away from him to think. To breathe. Even with the new information on John and Carlos, not that he could do anything with it yet, he still needed a couple days to himself. They’d been here for weeks now. If John and Carlos were going to do something they’d have already done it. He and Steve couldn’t really do anything without proof anyway. Steve could stay and help Stark.

“We’ll figure it out, doll.”

“Yeah.” Bucky gave him a weak smile then sighed. “When I get back.”

“Where are you going?”

“Stark told me to go away for a couple days. I’m going to assume it was because he didn’t want me to find out about them right now when I’m stressed as all hell, but I’m still going to take a couple days. There’s nothing we can do right now but wait and I need to wait somewhere else.”

“What…did…is it me?” Jesus, that fucking martyr. It kind of was Steve but it was himself too and he couldn’t get his head straight when he was completely surrounded by the blonde. “Because I didn’t tell you?”

“It’s lots of things, Steve. I just need a couple days to myself. Shit has gone sideways and I need to straighten myself out so I can deal with all of this. It’s not just you. It’s me and John and Carlos and Tony. I said before this ever happened I couldn’t do it. You all knew that and it had been going okay, I guess, but now? It’s all kinds of fucked up and I need a break.”

“Okay. I’m sorry, Buck.”

“I know. I am too. Just…I gotta go.”

“I can help you. If you’d talk to me. We can get through this without you running away from it.”

Bucky knew that, but he also knew if he talked to Steve about any more of it right now, he’d tell him he loved him again and so far Steve had been polite enough not to mention it. He’d like to keep it that way. Though maybe they should just have that conversation and be done with it. Probably it would make everything easier, but then he’d have to deal with everything being super awkward until they finished up in Stepford. John and Carlos weren’t the only people they had to deal with, he was sure.

“Baby?”

“I’ll only be gone for a couple days. You can survive that long without me. Probably. So long as there aren’t any giant animals for you to get eaten by.”

Steve gave him a sad smile, then nodded with a heavy sigh. “Yeah.” He finally let go of Bucky’s hands, then stood and walked out of the living room. “You should pack then.”

“Yeah.”

***

Bucky walked into his hotel room, tossed his bag on the bed, then walked right back out. Steve wasn’t around for him to make an ass out of himself in front of again so he was going to get drunk, sleep it off, and then gamble for a bit before heading home. First things first he was going to hit up a liquor store. It had to be cheaper than the bar at the hotel and definitely cheaper than the tiny fridge full of tiny liquor bottles. Then he had a date with what was left of his lube.

***

Bucky pouted at the three empty bottles on his bed. Why wasn’t it working? He used to be able to get drunk. He got drunk at John and Carlos’ house the other night. So why the fuck couldn’t he get drunk now? Three fifths of Patron should have had him passed out face down in a puddle of his own drool. Oh, God. He was going to be sober for the rest of his life. He couldn’t do that. Maybe it was just a bad batch? He should go get more and see.

An hour later he was crying into his pillow, refusing to acknowledge the sound of seven glass liquor bottles and his new Captain America crazy straw clanking together on the bed from the force of his sobs. He just wanted to get drunk and forget the past week had even happened and now he couldn’t even do that! Fuck his life. He knew it was Steve’s fault. Somehow. And if it wasn’t Steve’s fault then it was most definitely Stark’s fault for stalking him into joining their stupid boyband and slumming it in Stepford with all the other stupid perfect soccer families. He shoulda just let them handle the hot douchecanoe in the stairwell, and the tiny weapons douche, and the douche with the computer, and the Iron Vampire hybrid douche. Then he coulda stayed in his office and he’d never have known that stupid Steve was such a stupidly perfect asshole that he’d fall in love with like two seconds after meeting.

“Argh!” Stupid Steve. Wait. Steve could get drunk. Thor gave Steve fancy Asgardian booze in fancy gold bottles that let him get drunk. Score! He flailed out a hand to grab his phone and dialed Steve’s number from memory because it was easier to do that than it was to scroll for the US flag icon in his contacts. He sniffled as it rang but didn’t pull his face out of his pillow.

“Jamie?” Shit, John and Carlos must be around.

“I need you to come out here. I can’t…remember that stuff you said Theo brings you. The moonshine stuff.”

“Yeah, of course I do.”

“I think I need some now?”

“What do you mean?”

He jerked his head up to glare at the wall. “I can’t get drunk. I been trying like all day!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes! Jeez.” He sobbed, burying his face back in his pillow.

“Oh, sugar. Don’t cry. It’s okay. I’ll be there as soon as I can, all right?”

“Please. Miss your stupid face.” Oops. He hadn’t meant for that to slip out.

“I miss your stupid face too, baby doll.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, sweetheart. I do. I’ll be there soon.”

He hung up after another shuddering sob and didn’t even wonder how Steve was going to get more booze from Thor or how he was going to get there anyway.

Two pitiful hours later he knocked some of the liquor bottles off of the bed with a flail when someone knocked on the door. Was it Steve already? He rushed to the door to look through the peephole and saw Steve with a bag slung over his shoulder. Thank God, the booze was there. He opened the door, yanked Steve into the room to kiss him in thanks, and then slammed and locked the door.

“How’d you get here so fast?” He pawed at Steve’s bag until the blonde let go of it with a huffing laugh. He immediately dug through it, grabbed one of the two golden bottles, and then shoved the bag at Steve.

“Thor brought me. I didn’t think I could smuggle potentially illegal booze through the airport.”

“Eh, you coulda just shaved and pulled the Captain America card.” He moved back to the bed, knocked the remaining bottles off of it, grabbed his crazy straw even though Steve was there to see him use it, and uncapped the bottle.

“You drank that much and you’re still sober?”

“I told you on the phone!” Bucky grumbled under his breath about blondes and then shoved one end of the straw in the bottle and took the other in his mouth.

“You should have alcohol poisoning from that. Or be dead. The hell?”

“Duh. Get drinking, Stevie. I ain’t doing this alone.”

“Stevie, huh?” He took the other bottle of liquor out of his bag and crawled onto the bed to sit next to Bucky. “Are you sure this is a good idea, baby?”

“Yep.” Bucky stopped drinking long enough to clank their bottles together, then stuck the straw back in his mouth. Damn the consequences of getting blackout drunk with the hottest dude on the planet that he might be kind of, sort of, desperately in love with. Not like Steve didn’t already know any-freakin’-way.

***

“Fuckin’ Thor. Jesus Christ, what is in that stuff?” Bucky whimpered as he rolled over onto his side to reach for what he hoped was a trash bin and not some weird as hell vase or urn or something.

“Aged for a thousand years. Barrels. Viking ship. Blah, blah,” Steve said with a whimper of his own as he patted Bucky’s shoulder.

“Bluh.” Bucky gagged but managed to keep everything down. Was the room spinning or was he? Was it the bed? Never again. He meant it this time. “Well, at least I know I can still get drunk.”

“True.”

Bucky slowly sat up after making sure he wasn’t going to throw up and blinked at the hotel room. Jesus, how drunk did they actually get? They were in the wrong fuckin’ room. How the hell did they wind up in the wrong room? When did they even leave his room? Last thing he was aware of was ordering room service. “Steve?”

“Yeah, Buck?”

“This isn’t the right room.”

“Huh?”

Bucky looked down at Steve where he was laying on his stomach with his arms wrapped around his pillow. He chose to pretend Steve wasn’t shirtless even though his stomach did a weird little fluttery thing when he saw a line of freckles stretching over his shoulders. Bucky adored them. “We’re in the wrong hotel room.”

“No we’re not.”

“Are so.”

Steve finally rolled over and cracked first one eye and then the other and looked around the hotel room. “Oh. How’d that happen?”

“No idea. I’m gonna guess our stuff is in the other room.” He carefully slid off of the bed to go in search of their things and then immediately decided that lying back down and taking a nap was a better course of action. “Oh, God.” He groaned, sat back down on the bed, and then laid down, turning on his side to face Steve. “Why?”

“You called. Asked me to bring Thor’s magic moonshine.”

“Didn’t mean you hadta do it.”

Steve stared at him for a long moment before closing his eyes and pushing his face into his pillow. “I’d do anything you asked me for, Buck. No matter what.”

Bucky smiled softly then scooted forward just far enough to kiss Steve’s shoulder. “I know you would. I would for you too.”

***

When he woke again Steve was gone from the bed with his side gone cold. It didn’t surprise Bucky that Steve was up and about before him. He always had been. But where the hell was he? He didn’t hear the shower running or anything else. Had Steve gone home already? Or maybe he’d gone to find out why they’d woken up in the wrong hotel room? Bucky figured Steve would let him know at some point either way. Besides, a shower, brushing his teeth, and finding coffee took precedence.

It was kind of nice not knowing what they’d gotten up to after they had started drinking. He didn’t even care that he didn’t know. It meant that he didn’t know if he’d done anything stupid this time. They definitely hadn’t had sex so that was a plus. He highly doubted he’d put his jeans back on after if they had. No, if they had he’d probably be limping something fierce.

When he got out of the shower in the giant bathroom of the freaking suite they’d wound up in he found Steve sitting on the couch in the living room area with their bags surrounding him. His hair was wet so he’d taken a shower at some point.

“Our bags were here,” Steve said with a murmur. “I went to the other room and we didn’t leave anything behind so at least drunk us managed to get all our stuff.”

“How did we wind up here?”

“All I found out was that we requested the suite around four this morning. No idea why.”

“Huh.” Okay. It wasn’t the weirdest thing that had happened while he was blindingly drunk.

“I ordered room service. Figured you’d want something greasy so I got you one of those weird hamburgers with the bacon and eggs on it and a double order of fries. There’s coffee coming too.”

“Thank you.” Christ, he didn’t deserve Steve. Even if Steve only cared about him as a friend, as a partner in this mess they’d found themselves in, Bucky still didn’t deserve him. Didn’t deserve the way Steve doted on him. Even if it wasn’t real. Even if it was just for their stupid mission. 

There was a knock on the door and Steve stood then rushed to open it before Bucky could even turn toward the sound. Bucky shrugged internally, then stepped out of the way when a guy dressed in a black suit and white dress shirt pushed a cart loaded with covered dishes and two carafes of coffee into the room. After the guy finished setting up their little table, Steve tipped him and closed the door after him as he left, then walked to Bucky and took his hand, leading him to the small table.

“Eat something, Buck. You still look a little pale.” Was it Bucky or did Steve look sad this morning? Afternoon. Whatever. 

“So do you.” 

Steve gave him a weak smile, something pensive in his eyes as they sat down. Steve poured their coffees, adding ridiculous amounts of creamer and sugar to Bucky’s like always, then took the lids off of their plates and set them aside. On Bucky’s side of the table aside from the burger and fries was a croissant he hoped was filled with Nutella, a chocolate chocolate chip muffin, and chocolate chip pancakes with Nutella. 

He really, really, didn’t deserve this. He’d fucked up a lot, he thought, since this thing between them had started, the number one thing was probably not telling Steve how he felt about him while sober. Steve had told him before that he cared about him more than he should, but did that mean he loved him too or that he cared for him as a close friend, a brother even. He wished Steve loved him the way he loved Steve. He was tired of hiding, even with how badly he was managing it, and kind of just wanted to yell at him about it. Maybe even dramatically even though he was anything but a drama queen.  He wouldn’t do something that dramatic. He might think about standing on a rooftop and yelling it to the sky, but he’d never actually do it. He might whisper it in Steve’s ear and then run like hell, but he wouldn’t yell it.

Steve grinned at Bucky like the sun shone out of his ass and Bucky frowned at him. Why was Steve smiling like that? Oh fuck! Oh shit, oh Jesus. Had he said all of that out loud? Christ. Why him? Why did he have to be such a dumbass? This was worse than when he’d actually confessed while drunk. This time he was sober for it. Damned brain, anyway. Why the hell did he have to think so much and why did his filter not work around Steve? What else had Steve heard him say that he wasn’t supposed to? Bucky started to stand so he could run the fuck away but Steve reached out and gripped his hands, keeping him there.

“I love you too, Buck. I always have.”

Do what, now? No fucking way Steve was telling him what he wanted to hear. That was it, wasn’t it? Steve was just being thorough and apparently that meant being a douche again and just telling him what he wanted to hear. Or thinking that Bucky hadn’t meant it and was just being thorough himself. “You what?” His Southern Belle was back, waving her fan more intently than she ever had before and reaching for a glass of lemon tea and whiskey as he blinked up at Steve.

Steve let go of one hand then reached up and cupped Bucky’s cheek, thumb brushing over his bottom lip. “I love you, you dumbass.”

“Um…as a friend?” He couldn’t believe it was anything else. Wouldn’t believe it. Not from Steve. 

“You are adorably awkward, Bucky Barnes, and completely oblivious.”

“What?”

Steve mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like ‘save me from innocents’ and then took a steadying breath. “It’s shit and I didn’t tell you before and I should have. I shouldn’t have hidden it away from you and this has all gone fucking crazy and I love you. I’ve been in love with you.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I’m gay. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner that I’m in love with you.” It was barely more than a whisper, but to Bucky it felt like a shout in the quiet of their hotel room. “I’ve been in love with you since the first time I saw you, I think. I’m still closeted, I mean…to the general public, but the team knows. And now you know. But…if you want…I mean, after this is over…we can be us for real.”

Bucky’s first thought was why wait until it was over and then he pinched himself surreptitiously, using his left hand so he could be extra sure that he was actually awake and not having some kind of panic/hangover induced hallucination. Surely he couldn’t have heard all of that right. Maybe he was still asleep and his drunken mind was playing tricks on him. Probably he could still be sleeping, he had drank quite a bit. “What?”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Buck!” 

“What! What did I do?”

Steve growled and grumbled under his breath and Bucky glared. What the fuck was going on? Steve finally rolled his eyes, dropping his hands to the table. “Ok. I’m going to say this slowly so it might eke through whatever is going on in that thick skull of yours.”

“Uh huh.”

“I’m gay.”

“Yeah, I know that part. Douchebag.”

“Just making sure. You’re being kind of dense right now. So, take away the mission. It doesn’t exist.” Steve swiped his hand through the air, like they swiped at Stark’s holograms to close them. Bucky could get that.

“All right.”

“It’s just you and me. Steve and Bucky.” Bucky nodded again. 

“Okay.” 

Steve stood then moved around the table and crouched down beside Bucky’s chair then reached up, this time with both hands, and cupped Bucky’s face. “Are you listening?”

“Yeah.” He didn’t know how he couldn’t be. Not with Steve all up in his Corn Flakes like that. Seriously, jeez.

“I’m in love with you.”

Bucky was pretty sure his brain was on the fritz and he’d heard wrong. It was like those ghost hunter shows where they had those spirit box thingies that always said stuff like pizza and die and all kinds of weird shit in the background of the dead noise the recorders picked up. Where they always heard stuff like names or places or full on sentences and all Bucky could hear was noise that vaguely sounded like the ghost hunter people mumbling into a half-working microphone.

F _ uck me sideways _ , Bucky thought when what Steve said finally wiggled its way through the mess in his brain. Steve was what? Bucky blinked up at Steve. Perfect, gorgeous, grumpy old man, Sexy Lumberjack Steve. He couldn’t be. They didn’t…he wasn’t…Bucky wasn’t good enough for him.

“But.”

“Shut your face, Buck.” Steve kissed him, mashing their lips together hard enough to bruise, but it got Bucky to shut up and when Steve did that little flicky thing with his tongue that Bucky liked so much he sighed and the kiss turned almost gentle. It reminded Bucky of their kiss at their fake wedding. When neither of them had heard Tony’s fake Justice for long minutes because they’d been too busy sucking face.  _ Oh! That was why that had happened.  _ Bucky put his hands on Steve’s shoulders pushing him back slowly. God he was so fuckin’ stupid.

“Um…how…shit.” He couldn’t think. Not with Steve gazing at him like that. Half like Bucky was something small and fluffy that he wanted to cuddle, half like he couldn’t wait to get him out of his clothes and into bed. That stupidly endearing look that made him want to punch Steve and then kiss him showed up next and Bucky decided that kissing it off Steve’s face was probably the better course of action. He launched himself at Steve, knocking him to the floor they laughed into the kiss even as his chair flew across the room. “Why didn’t you ever say anything you fuckin’ jerk!”

“You were always so nervous. I thought you might have been scared because you always run away and I kind of wanted to wait until this was over.”

“Because I didn’t want you to know that I like you. I thought…I was afraid that you’d find out and it was easier to run away and hide than be in the same room with you.” Bucky said it between quick kisses and nibbling and sucking on Steve’s bottom lip like he’d always wanted.

“I knew you had a crush on me the second time I went into your office. Why didn’t you want me to know?” Steve grasped his hips and Bucky belatedly realized he’d been grinding on his fake husband. Oops. Although Steve probably didn’t mind if the bulge straining at his zipper was any indication.

“Because as far as I knew you were straight. You never said anything that hinted at anything else. And that conversation is not as fun as one may be led to believe and then it was worse because I found out you were gay and still…argh!”

Steve mumbled something that Bucky couldn’t understand, then lifted him off of him and sat him off to the side. Bucky shuddered, just now realizing how much he liked being manhandled by Steve. “I thought I’d been fairly obvious, but…you are so fucking oblivious.”

“Not my fault.”

Steve sat up, shifting them around until he picked Bucky up and had him straddling his thighs with his hands resting on Steve’s shoulders. Some part of Bucky really, really definitely liked Steve manhandling him like that and wanted to explore it in great detail. But not right now. He had an argument to win. 

“It is your fault,” Steve said with an almost growl. “I thought I’d made myself clear. I wanted you from the first minute I saw you. When I watched the video of you taking down the guy in the stairwell.”

Bucky might be slightly okay now, in that he and Steve loved each other yay! But he was still a little…fuzzy on it. His Southern Belle was no help because she’d already passed the fuck out on her fainting couch. Was he overwhelmed or was he just in a daze because months of pining could have been avoided if he’d actually opened his eyes? And Steve had said he wanted  _ him _ . Had wanted him from the first moment he’d seen him. Something had gone extremely right,  _ maybe _ , for that to be the case. He was still very pissed off at Steve for basically lying to him the entire time, at least by omission, and he was not going to let it go so easily. Steve was going to have to work for it.

“That is such bullshit, Steven Grant Rogers! It is not my fault. How was I supposed to know you really had feelings for me when we’re supposed to be pretending for the thing? I thought you were being extremely thorough since you’d said you hadn’t done this before. That was a lie wasn’t it? You have done this before.”

“Not technically. I mean…I haven’t done this before.” Steve gestured between the both of them and Buck frowned. “With another guy. I ran an op with Natasha once where we had to pretend to be a couple. Nothing this long term though.”

“So you’re just confused? You fell for your own con?” Bucky pushed himself off of Steve then stood up to pace. The hell was going on? Why was everything so hard?

Steve hopped up and grabbed his shoulders to hold him still. “Baby, did you not listen to a word I said? I’ve been in love with you since the first time I saw you! Why’s that so hard to believe?”

“Cause I’ve spent the last weeks telling myself that you didn’t mean it. That it was only for show.”

“Sugar,” Steve pouted at him a bit then sighed. “All the stuff I’ve been doing lately. Bringing you flowers and those gross little pastries and the coffees you love so much and taking you out on dates.”

“I thought…”

“I wouldn’t have done them when no one was around if it was only for show.”

“Oh.” And apparently his office mouse had followed them to the cottage and then the hotel and was just now making an appearance. There were probably thousands of tiny office mice babies under the cottage or in the walls since they'd been there. Bucky didn't think he had been in the hotel room long enough for office mice babies yet. “But… you had plenty of time to tell me. ”

“Jesus, Buck. I fucking love you, but you are so goddamn oblivious.”

“How am I oblivious?”

Steve stared unblinking at him long enough that he began to wonder if Steve's super serum would still let him have strokes or aneurysms. Seriously was he having a stroke of some sort?

“Baby doll. Sweetheart. My poor, sweet summer child. You wouldn't notice a horse standing in the room if you were watching Torchwood and eating ice cream. Or reading one of your demon romance novels you think I don't know you read. You have a stash of them under the bed at home.”

Bucky frowned at him, crossing his arms defensively. “I would too notice.” He peeked around Steve to look around the suite to see if his fake husband/possible boyfriend had brought in a horse. Just in case. 

“No, you wouldn't. I fuckin’ threw myself at you continuously and you never noticed. I mean... when I mowed the yard and whipped my shirt off. Learning to cook together. All the fuckin’ dates and flowers and I bring you your favorite coffee and pastries from the coffee shop every morning.” Was Steve reiterating? That sounded like reiterating. Bucky was screwed. Steve would never let him live this down. Neither would anyone else.

“I thought it was just for the thing. Or maybe ‘cause of Thor.”

Steve pinched the bridge of his nose and blew out a gusty sigh. “You do realize that nothing about this calls for me to act like that without witnesses around to see it, right?”

“I just thought you were being very thorough.”

“Oh my God.” Steve threw his hands up and then let them drop. “That right there is exactly how you are oblivious, baby. I tried making you jealous, let Tammy fall all over me that day. Thought you'd do something then, but all you did was glare at Tammy and grumble about how much of a floozy you think she is. You didn't even factor me into it. You cannot plant evidence by the way.”

“But!”

“No.”

“Damn it. Are you sure?” He pouted and Steve rolled his eyes.

“I’m sure, sugar.”

There had to be a way around it. Next time Floozy Tammy flirted with Steve, Bucky was going to climb Steve like a tree while flipping her off behind his back. He was probably allowed to do that now. He really, really, wanted to scratch her eyes out though. His inner twink, the twink he’d been in high school, really wanted to claw her eyes and pull her hair every time she looked at Steve. He resisted though because he was a mature responsible adult and it wasn’t right to hit a lady. Unless that lady was Hydra or some other evil douchecanoe and hit him first. Then it was fair game.

“Hey, Buck?”

“Yeah?”

“Anyone ever tell you you’re sexy when you’re plotting against people?”

The noise Bucky made was absolutely not a giggle as he wrapped his arms around Steve tightly. He didn’t giggle. It was a manly laugh. A chuckle even. But definitely not a giggle. “Anyone ever tell you you’re sexy as fuck when you do the Captain America Disapproves face right before you punch someone?”

Steve let out a not giggle of his own, then kissed him deep and slow, like they had all the time in the world. Maybe they did now. Their stomachs growled, making them laugh into the kiss and Steve let Bucky go long enough to go pick up his chair and put it back at the table. He kissed Bucky again as he sat him down, then sat in his own seat.

“Eat up, doll face.”

“You got something special planned?”

“Maybe,” he smirked. Had Bucky ever mentioned how much he loved that stupid smirk?  He had a love hate thing with it honestly, but it was unfairly hot. Still, as much as Bucky loved everything about Steve, he didn’t want to automatically forgive him for being a dumbass just because they’d finally told each other how they felt. He didn’t even know what they were aside from in love with each other.

“Are we…we’re together now, right? For real this time?” Bucky hated the way Steve’s eyes shuttered and his shoulders slumped. Were they not going to be? Was this all for nothing? They loved each other and couldn’t be together because Steve wasn’t out?

“If you want.”

“Why wouldn’t I want? Do we still have to wait until this is over?” Steve perked up at that.

“No. I’m stupid. Forget I ever said that.”

“Okay. You’re still a dumbass though.” Steve really was. All this bullshit, from both of them admittedly, could’ve been avoided if they’d done something crazy like open their fucking mouths and talk to each other. Jesus, they were so dumb.

“We are,” Steve said with a grin. “I love you, Buck.”

“I love you, too. And don’t expect me to start being all squishy and lovey dovey and all that bullshit.” Steve grinned, definitely knowing him better than that, and took a drink of his coffee, probably trying to hide a laugh behind his mug. Bucky wasn’t saying he was going to be a total fucking sap now, but he wasn’t not saying it either. There were probably super sweet things he could do for Steve but that didn’t mean he was going to do them. (It totally did.)

“I wouldn’t dream of it, Buck.”

***

They kept trading dopey looks and happy smiles in between bites of food and drinks of coffee until Bucky slid his foot up Steve’s leg with a wicked smile. Steve choked on his coffee when Bucky pressed his toes to his inner thigh and Bucky smiled innocently.

“What’s wrong, baby?”

“I think you know. Don’t start something you aren’t ready to finish.”

“Who says I’m not ready? You can make up being a dick to me with orgasms. One for every time you did something stupid. Although that might actually kill me. Can you die from too many orgasms?”

“Ass.” Steve reached down and grabbed Bucky’s foot, pressing down hard on his instep and Bucky groaned.

“I was serious about that last one.”

Steve huffed, letting go of his foot, then pushed himself back from the table and stood. “Wanna find out?”

“Maybe. You got lube? Because we ain’t doing shit unless you got some. I’ve had your dick jabbing me in the ass almost every morning for the past two and a half months and we need like a gallon of lube to get that thing inside me.”

“You didn’t bring yours?”

Bucky absolutely did not blush at the look on Steve’s face. “I uh…may have used the last of it. I had the time to play as much as I wanted to for once and I may have been a little over enthusiastic.”

Steve laughed at that. “I brought some from the box in the closet before Thor brought me out. I used the last of mine after you left.” He laughed, then took Bucky’s hand and pulled him up from the table. “Do you know how hard it is to be quiet in the shower?”

“When we hope the other can’t hear a vibrator even though we know they can? Yeah.” He did. It was embarrassing as shit.

Steve took his hand and started to lead him toward the bedroom part of the suite but he dragged him to a stop. “Are you sure about this?”

“If you are. We can wait if you want to,” Steve murmured with a gentle kiss.

“Abso-fuckin-lutely not. I’ve been waiting since you walked into my office and kissed the shit out of me.” 

“Christ.” Steve smiled wide enough that his eyes crinkled, then pulled Bucky against him, one hand rested on his waist and the other slid down to Bucky’s ass, tugging him even tighter against him and grinding their dicks together.

“ _ Oh. _ ”

“Uh huh.” Steve laughed and kissed Bucky again, a quick peck on the lips, then dropped his head, lips grazing over his jaw and down his neck. Bucky shuddered at the feel of Steve’s beard scraping over the sensitive skin of his neck.  _ Fucking finally!  _ He wanted beard burn everywhere.

“You are amazing, Buck. You’re so gorgeous. Especially when you’re annoyed. Like when you took out that dick in the vampire version of Tony’s suit. And that kid in the computer room. It’s been so fucking hard working with you. The thing with the alligator? The reason I got squished was because I was too busy watching you. You got no idea how much your eyes light up when you’re shooting something or blowing something up.” Steve dragged him into the bedroom and Bucky seriously contemplated letting Steve make up all the bullshit with orgasms even though he’d been mostly joking earlier. It wasn’t an entirely terrible idea. Attempt to make it up to him at least. Steve had some serious groveling to do what with the whole kissing and cuddling and spoiling him and all of that shit while letting Bucky think it was just for the mission. What a douchebag. A sexy, sexy douchebag. “Love watching you fight. It’s so fucking hot.”

“You got a competency kink?” Who’d have thought?

“Think it’s just you.”

“Oh. Okay.” Bucky didn’t at all squeal when Steve lifted him up and tossed him onto the bed, watching him bounce before climbing onto it with him and straddling his hips. “Why didn’t you ever say anything though? Why go through all this bullshit?” Bucky tried to push Steve off of him to see what Steve would do and groaned when he only grabbed his hands and pinned them to the bed, settling more weight against him. He may or may not have whimpered as he writhed under him, trying to get away. Or closer. Probably closer. Definitely closer.

“Thought I’d show you instead.”

“You didn’t do shit, you dick!” Seriously? This fuckin’ guy. The hell had he ever done?

“Got you to chase me around.”

“Don’t even get me started on all that bullshit, because you’re epically fucking stupid and I was just trying to keep your dumbass alive!” Bucky’s left arm whirred quietly, just loud enough for the two of them to hear under the sleeve Bucky had been wearing since a couple days before their fake wedding. The plates locked together as he shoved his hips up into Steve’s and they both groaned. 

“You think I check everyone else over after a mission?”

“Um…yeah. Team Captain and all.”

“Not like I check on you, Buck.”

Now that he knew Steve loved him, even if he was still working on believing it and still pissed off about it, all the little touches and stuff made sense. Like how Steve always cupped his cheek or wiped soot off of him. Or picked alligator bits out of his hair. How he always wanted him out of the way so he wouldn’t get hurt. That wasn’t all Rebecca. Couldn’t be.

“Yeah, okay. Makes sense now.”

“Mhm.” Steve busied himself brushing feather light kisses down Bucky’s neck again, his beard scraping deliciously against his skin. When he reached the collar of his shirt, he hooked his tongue under the fabric, pulling it out some. “Wanna see you, Buck.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Bucky started to shift so he could peel his shirt off, but Steve beat him to it and just ripped it down the front. Why was that so fucking hot! He reached for Steve, aiming to pull him back down on top of him, but Steve grabbed his wrists again and pinned them to the bed, squeezing tight just long enough for Bucky to realize that he definitely had a thing for Steve holding him down.

“Keep ‘em there.”

He could totally do that. Yep. Definitely something he could do, he thought desperately as Steve moved down the bed, brushing kisses down his neck and then biting down on his clavicle, following with a gentle swipe of his tongue. Holy shit that was good. “Dude.”

“Huh?”

“Nothin’. Not complainin’.” Steve grinned at him, that stupid smile that lit up the room and Bucky couldn’t help but smile dopily back. “You sure about this though?” He reached up and petted his hand over Steve’s hair, smoothing his bangs back from his face.

Steve’s grin turned wicked, that evil smirk that Bucky knew led to absolutely no good whatsoever, and he groaned dropping his head and hand back to the bed. “Been wantin’ to rail you for months.”

Bucky choked on a giggle, slapping Steve away gently and then rolled over on his side. “Oh my God, you utter dork. I can’t believe you just said that to me. Jesus, Steve.”

Steve rolled him back over, sitting on his legs to hold him down. “Ya know, I didn’t hear a no.”

“Wasn’t a no, dorkface. If you’re gonna rail me, you better get started before I change my mind and decide to use my vibrator instead.” Bucky said it with a wicked grin of his own and then laughed at the affronted look on Steve’s face.

Which was why, fifteen minutes later, his hands were tied to the headboard with his rainbow and unicorn printed scarf, Steve had emptied half of the badly hidden box of condoms and lube from their closet at home onto the bed from his bag, and Bucky had two of Steve’s fingers flicking against his prostate and his vibrator held to the tip of his cock while Steve scraped his beard over his inner thighs. It was so fucking good. It so wasn’t fair. He wanted to tangle his hands in Steve’s hair. Wanted to grasp onto his shoulders and have enough leverage to fuck down onto his fingers, but no. Steve had to freaking tie him down in retribution for laughing at him. Which, yeah okay, he could totally tear his scarf and escape if he really wanted to, but that was his favorite scarf and he kind of really liked being tied down and pinned to the bed by Steve straddling his legs. Even if his body couldn’t decide whether to squirm closer or further away.

“Steve, baby. C’mon.” Instead of turning him loose, Steve switched the vibrator to its highest setting and dragged it down his dick, over his balls, and then pushed it up right behind them. He cried out, the thrumming vibrations and Steve’s fingers nearly tipping him over the edge. “Shit! I’m sorry. I’m sorry, baby. Didn’t mean it. Stop, stop, stop!” The vibrator immediately shut off and he breathed a sigh of relief as Steve stilled his fingers, barely pressing on his prostate as he held them still.

“Now, was that so hard,” Steve asked with a sweet smile Bucky didn’t believe for a second as he untied him. He  _ really _ wanted to be a smartass, but he was pretty sure his brain was melting a little and he knew that Steve would only turn the damn vibrator back on. He couldn’t decide if he wanted that or not. Well, he did, he just wanted to come on Steve’s dick more. Steve slid his fingers out a bit, away from that gland that felt like millions of nerve endings being stroked at one time and Bucky couldn’t help but whimper.

“No.” He didn’t know if he was saying no to it being that hard or because Steve had moved his fingers. Steve smiled, then tossed the vibrator off to the side and added another finger, making him moan at the stretch. He knew he needed it, but damn he just wanted Steve to hurry up. He’d been wanting this for months now and Steve still had his fuckin’ clothes on. “You still got clothes on, Steve. You ain’t gonna fuck me if you still got clothes on.”

“How are you still talkin’?”

“Persistence. Now strip. You can make me lose the ability to speak later.” Steve laughed, then crawled off of the bed, wiping his hand on his jeans even though he’d just have to get more lube on his hand later. Bucky squirmed and flailed one hand out to reach for his phone. He was not going to miss the opportunity to get a picture of Steve completely naked. Flatly refused. Probably Steve would make him delete it, but maybe he wouldn’t since their phones could only be unlocked with their fingerprints and Bucky just now realized that both he and Steve could unlock each others phones and wasn't that weird and Stark had made them hack proof.

Steve laughed as he stripped down and Bucky nearly swallowed his tongue even though he’d seen Steve shirtless a hell of a lot since they’d started living together. He had to bite his lip when Steve started unbuttoning his jeans to keep from gasping or moaning and Steve winked at him as he pushed the denim down slowly. Holy fuck Steve hadn’t been wearing anything under the heavy fabric.

“Gonna kill me.” Was it possible to die after finally getting to see the dick you’d been thirsting over forever? If it was Bucky was gonna die. Steve’s dick was even bigger than it had felt like when it had been pressed up against his ass and so damned pretty.

“You did say you wanted to see if it was possible to die by orgasm.”

“Yeah, but sex first though.” He whimpered reaching for Steve after snapping a picture of his boyfriend standing in all his naked glory. He took another one when Steve crawled back onto the bed looking debauched. He wanted to post it online. Show off his sexy fake husband/not so fake boyfriend and brag about getting to choke on that monster cock. He knew Steve would kill him if he did so he cropped the first photo to just under Steve’s belly button, accidently catching the smears of precome on his skin from where his dick had slapped against his stomach and texted it to Natasha. He figured she’d appreciate it.

“Was that necessary?”

“Photographic proof that perfection exists? Absolutely.” He smirked as he said it and Steve laughed, then took the phone from him. It took Bucky a minute to realize that Steve was filming instead of taking pictures and he moaned wantonly, squirming again when Steve ducked down and took his cock in his mouth, sucking so hard his cheeks sunk in and Bucky nearly came just from that. He’d been on the edge for too long as it was. “Stevie, inside me, please.” Steve hummed around him, then tossed the phone aside and moved to slide between his thighs.

“Pick a condom?”

Bucky flung his hand out and closed his fingers around the first one he touched, then gave it to Steve. He didn’t care what it was. Didn’t care if it tingled or played music or made his ass smell like artificial bananas so long as Steve put the damned thing on and fucked him. He reached for one of the packets of lube next and tore it open, reaching between them as Steve rolled the condom on and drizzled it over Steve’s dick as soon as he let go of himself. Buck wrapped his fingers around the dick that had jabbed him in the ass so many times and stroked him a few times to spread the lube around before Steve pulled his hand away and nudged his thighs a little further apart.

He whined at Steve in between kisses, begging him to hurry up which only made him slow down, shifting restlessly underneath him until he felt the blunt head of Steve’s cock pressing against his hole. He gasped at the insistent pressure, the too slow stretch and burn and holy shit Steve hadn’t used enough fingers, but oh fuck it was so good. He whimpered as Steve panted against his lips and tried not to start clawing at Steve to get him to hurry up. Steve looked like he was seconds away from coming just from being inside him and God what a gorgeous sight it was. Seriously, so fucking gorgeous.

“You okay, doll?”

Bucky nodded with another whine and Steve chuckled, causing little shocks of pleasure to dance through him. Steve kissed him breathlessly as he started to move. Pulling out slowly and then pushing back in just as slowly to drive Bucky crazy. He reached for Steve to pull him down on top of him and Steve grabbed his arms and pinned his hands to the mattress over his head with a quiet growl and nip to his bottom lip.

“Steve, wanna touch you.”

“Just wait.” Steve fucked into him a few times, letting him get used to the feel of him and then let go of Bucky’s wrists, slid his hands down to grip his hips and then Bucky’s vision whited out when Steve slammed into his prostate and he was lost to the feeling of Steve over him and inside him and holding him down no matter how much he squirmed or tried to move. When Steve finally said he could move, Bucky wrapped his arms around him as tightly as he could and barely managed to do more than hold on for the ride and pant into Steve’s mouth, too breathless to manage a proper kiss. He finally buried his face against Steve’s neck, licking the salt and sweat from his skin then bit down and yelped when Steve thrust into him hard enough that he heard the bed frame creak.

“Oh, God.”

Steve reared back onto his knees and pulled Bucky’s legs up over his shoulders, almost bending him in half and he yelped again, clawing at Steve’s arms and the sheets and whatever part of the bed he could reach which meant the headboard that snapped and crumbled under his hands. Oops. Not that he particularly cared, not with Steve making good on his promise to rail him and not when Steve was slamming into his prostate every time he moved and thrusting so deep it was like he was trying to choke him on his cock from the wrong direction. When Steve’s fingers wrapped around his cock, stroking him in time with his thrusts, he came with a shout, fingers digging into the mattress hard enough to tear holes into it and Steve grunted. Bucky felt him grow impossibly harder and then Steve was coming as he fucked into him a few more times before dropping Bucky’s legs and collapsing on top of him in a sweaty sticky mess.

“Worth it,” Bucky murmured after regaining the ability to speak. Steve laughed, pulling out of him and then went to dispose of the condom and came back with a damp washrag and wiped him down.

“I love you. Even if you are a complete nerd that rambles the entire time we have sex.”

“What?”

“You have no filter when you’re getting fucked, sweetheart. Not that you have much of one to begin with but still.”

“Oh God. I’m so sorry.” Bucky covered his face with his hands and Steve pulled them back down.

“Nuh uh,” Steve grinned. “I like hearing you and it was strawberry, not banana.”

It took Bucky a second to realize what Steve was talking about and he giggled like a maniac. “Jeez, I love you. Fuckin’ dork.”

Steve rolled back on top of him, burying his face against his neck, and Bucky sighed wrapping his arms around him tightly.

***

Bucky woke when the bed shifted and he opened his eyes to see Steve holding his phone. “What is it, Stevie?”

“Gotta delete these, Buck. We can’t risk it.” Bucky sat up when Steve showed him the tiles for the video and pictures.

“Baby, you’re seriously up in the middle of the night worrying about those?”

“Sorry, I know there’s almost zero chance anyone could find them aside from Tony and I don’t want to think about that too hard, but I think we should get rid of them.”

Bucky totally got that. “Okay. Whatever makes you comfortable, baby.”

“Just like that?”

“Um…yeah? Should I argue and tell you that no one will ever find them and you’re being paranoid? That’s stupid. If you don’t want them on there then delete them. It’s the little trash can in the corner,” he added with a smirk. Steve rolled his eyes then swatted at him.

“You don’t want to save them?”

“Unless you’re breaking up with me and asking me for a divorce I’m pretty sure I’m going to have plenty of material for the spank bank without damning photographic evidence.” Steve laughed and Bucky grinned reaching over to select the photos and video and Steve tapped the tiny trash bin to delete them from Bucky’s phone. “See? All good.”

“You’re amazing.”

“And you’re a dork, Sexy Lumberjack Steve.”

“I call you Future Husband in my head,” Steve blurted out with a slight blush. “I have since I read your service records.”

“You really got a thing for me being badass, huh?”

“Yeah. You got that murder strut when you walk and your thighs are like unf and I want you to practice the Death by Thighs thing on me. Like…a lot.”

Bucky cackled at his adorkable boyfriend, then gave him a gentle kiss. “Whenever you want, sweetheart. Can I lick strategically placed smears of Nutella off of your naked body when we get home?”

“Only if you let me lick my emergency moonshine off of your abs.”

“Done deal.” Bucky kissed him again to seal the deal, then laid back down and pulled Steve with him. “We gotta get up early so we can check out and go home. We gotta go deal with those asshats.”

“Can we stay one more day? Tony’s paying for it.” God, Steve sounded pitiful.

“We should go home and get done with shit as soon as possible so we can go back to New York. We been gone too long. Besides it’s not like anything is going to change between us. Not any more than it already has.” He didn’t think anyway. “We’ll be fine, Steve. Try to get some sleep, huh?”

“Okay. Goodnight, Buck.”

“Goodnight, sweetheart.”

***

Bucky walked into the cottage and unclipped his backpack and tossed it aside, smiling at the empty golden liquor bottles clanking together inside it. He didn’t think he’d be drinking any time soon, but he definitely had a fondness for Thor’s Asgardian booze since it was sort of indirectly responsible for getting him and Steve together finally. He wouldn’t tell Steve unless he had no choice but he may or may not have been overly sentimental and saved a shard of the headboard that they had decimated completely during rounds two and three before they’d left the hotel, too. He was two kisses away from writing his and Steve’s names in a heart on his three-ring binder in multi-colored Sharpie. Jeez.

Steve wrapped his arms around him and walked him further into the cottage, then kicked the door closed before dropping his own bag to the floor and picking him up to carry him to the couch. Steve sat with Bucky on his lap and he snuggled in close, content to be cuddled like the night he’d had a nightmare that Steve had turned into a man-eating Werepanda. Only this time there weren’t any bad dreams. Just minor exhaustion from getting fucked within an inch of his life and Steve radiating smugness after the headboard had shattered completely and the bed frame had broken. If Bucky hadn’t been so embarrassed when security had knocked on their door to make sure Bucky’s screams were of the ‘I’m getting my brains fucked out by my boyfriend’ variety and not the ‘I’m being brutally murdered’ variety he’d have thought it was funny. He muffled a yawn against Steve’s shoulder. Steve giggled, seeming to know what he was thinking and Bucky rolled his eyes with another yawn.

“Ass.”

“You love my ass.”

“I do. I bet you had a perfect ass when you were Tiny You, too.” Steve hummed noncommittally and Bucky lifted his head to glare at him for the non-answer. “Please tell me you had tiny perfect handfuls. Don’t ruin my fantasy of Tiny Twinky You getting fucked against a wall.”

“You liked me small?”

“Of course I did. Still do. If you were to shrink down I’d still love you, Steve. I’m not shallow. Or that shallow. You were gorgeous even before the serum. I’d have boned you if I wouldn’t have been afraid I’d snap you in half.”

“So romantic.”

“You want romance go on a date.”

“Are you free this evening?”

“I’ll have to check my very busy schedule. I might have something already planned with this guy I know.”

Steve snorted. “Yeah?”

“Mmm. He’s big and blonde and kind of a dumbass sometimes and I have to keep him from doing stupid shit like jumping out of planes with no parachute or getting eaten by teddy bears or getting squished by giant alligators or jumping on bombs with nothing but a fancy Frisbee.”

“Sounds like you gotta keep him on a tight leash.”

“Nah. I just yell at him and jump after him even though I tell myself I’m not gonna.”

“I’m sure he only does it to drive you crazy and make you chase after him a little bit.”

“Probably. He’s a huge pain in the ass, but I love him a lot and he loves me back just as much.”

Steve smiled at him then gripped his chin between his thumb and pointer and tilted his head up for a kiss. “I do love you just as much, Buck.”

“I know.” Bucky was never going to get tired of Steve’s kisses now that he knew they were real. He still wanted Steve to reenact the office kiss from before they’d left. He wondered if his Southern Belle and office mouse had followed them back home from the hotel or if both of them had been horribly scandalized and decided to abandon ship. Twenty minutes and a defiled couch later he knew his answer.

Fifteen minutes and a shower after that, his and Steve’s bubble of sap was popped by a knock on the door and John and Carlos’ voices calling out for them. They shared a quiet grimace as they dressed and Steve took his hand as he led him to the front door.

“We’re gonna be okay, doll. No matter what happens,” Steve whispered.

Bucky wished he felt as sure as Steve sounded but decided if he was going to put his faith in Steve then now was a perfect time to practice. He nodded and kissed his boyfriend. “Let’s do this.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, all that happened. XD Freakin' finally, right?
> 
> Also they used make musical condoms though I didn't look it up to see if they still do. They were for gag gifts though, not for actual use. Lol


End file.
